Dark Lord threatens Bala double

BALA Rinas inexorably march on to a maiden Kenna title, but the Dark Lord threatens their double hopes.

FC Testiculadew come out of the Covid Cup semi final first leg with a four-point advantage over the league treasurer‘s eleven.

Deciphering how the Dark Lord’s team is playing so well proves difficult. Anthony Martial hasn’t made an appearance for five weeks and is set to miss at least another two.

Clean sheets from Eric Dier and Gabriel headline a workmanlike week from the FC Testiculadew side.

Bala put in a similar performance, in the Kenna equivalent of a no score draw. The only individuals of note Hugo Lloris and Joao Cancelo with seven points apiece.

Nevertheless, the treasurer will be very pleased with the 100-point cushion between him and 2018 champions Pikey Scum in the league.

He will also be delighted at having picked up Cancelo for £0.5m in the September auction, a terrific piece of pot-luck business every title-winning Kenna manager will appreciate.

Covid Cup semi final first leg

Bala Rinas 26 – 30 FC Testicladew
Hairy Fadjeetas 17 – 8 Craft Beer Wankers

Kenna League week 31

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 31 - 5 May 2021
Kenna week 31 – 5 May 2021
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Milnered

James Milner has been fined in Switzerland for breaking Covid restrictions with a Kenna League manager and nine sex workers.

Local police raided a party last night in the Basle flat of the Hairy Fadjeetas manager, who claims he was following rules by being in a private location with up to nine people, and the English midfielder turned up uninvited.

‘I’ve been single since the start of the pandemic, it’s been lonely, and Swiss Covid restrictions allow up to 10 people inside each other,’ said the Fadges boss.

Milner’s presence at the flat is thought to have been caused by the Kenna post-auction autofill, whereby any gaps in a manager’s starting eleven are automatically allocated the highest-valued unsold players.

The veteran English midfielder is frequently overlooked by Kenna managers at the start of the season because everyone thinks he’s past it.

With 43 points (13 starts, 13 sub appearances, two assists) Milner is currently outperforming a host of midfielders for whom Kenna managers paid multi-million pound sums at the September auction.

This inauspicious list includes Donny van de Beek, for whom the Fadges boss paid £16m (or 16 per cent of his total budget).

The Dutchman was released at the February transfer window having scored a paltry 22 points.

Hairy Fadjeetas are 15th in the table, but have a chance to win the manager’s first ever piece of silverware in 10 seasons with a Covid Cup semi final against Craft Beer Wankers, known to insiders as the Duke of Sussex Derby.

The first leg takes place this weekend.

The Fadges boss said: ‘Winning the Covid Cup would be an honour, but since I live in Switzerland the £75 prize money won’t even begin to cover the cost of this Covid fine. Or the hookers.’

Kenna League week 30

Kenna week 29 - 27 April 2021
Kenna week 29 – 27 April 2021

Covid Cup semi final first leg fixtures this weekend

Bala Rinas v The Dark Lord
Fadges v Craft Beer Wankers

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‘Bramble Six’ breakaway league collapses

Bramble Super League proposals withdrawn after huge global backlash.

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THE football world exploded on Sunday evening when six clubs in the Kenna League announced they were forming a breakaway Bramble Super League.

The so-called ‘Bramble Six’ tried to create a midweek competition where tactical Brambling is acceptable, but unbridled global outrage forced them to shelve the plan.

The splinter group were led by the manager of FC Testiculadew, known in the Kenna as ‘the Tactical Brambler’ for his shocking exploitation of the auction forfeit process in 2012.

Upon announcing the BS League, the Tactical Brambler told media ‘legacy managers’ were holding back football with their traditional views of fair play.

Known habitual ‘Bramblers’ at Kenna auctions are among the other breakaway managers. They include:

Reaction to the BS League announcement was unequivocal.

UEFA president Aleksander Ceferin said: ‘Gentelmen [sic], you made a huge mistake. There is time to change your mind.’

FIFA president Gianni Infantino said: ‘There is a lot to throw away for maybe a short-term financial gain for some. Either you are in or you are out.’

Alan Shearer said: ‘This league is plain simple and wrong [because it doesn’t include Newcastle].’

The Kenna chairman claimed the Bramble Six plans were simply a red herring, devised by the Tactical Brambler to gain concessions and be made guest organiser of of the Euro 2021 auction.

‘You think these people care about the fans? You think they care what you, or the media says about them?’ read a statement from Kenna HQ.

‘They’ve all come out and apologised now, but they never wanted to create the BS League from the start. They want more power over the structures already in place, and they’re trying to flex their muscles to get it.’

Covid Cup – quarter final first leg

Bala Rinas 27 (53) – 19 (31) Thieving Magpies
Cowley Casuals 15 (37) – 27 (51) The Dark Lord
Fadges 8 (27) – 17 (21) Lokomotiv Leeds
TNS 13 (36) – 27 (49) Craft Beer Wankers

Semi final fixtures (4 May first leg, 11 May second leg)

Bala Rinas v The Dark Lord
Fadges v Craft Beer Wankers

Kenna League week 29

Kenna week 29 - 20 April 2021
Kenna week 29 – 20 April 2021
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Kenna pays tribute to Duke of Inappropriate Content

THE world’s leading fantasy football league has joined those paying respects to Prince Philip, hailing him as ‘The Duke of Inappropriate Content’.

Like Graeme Hick’s Sydney test innings in 1995, the senior royal sadly passed away just short of a ton.

‘As a Worcestershireman I still can’t believe Atherton declared after Hick kept the match alive for so long,’ said the Kenna chairman at a press conference to five journalists in a beer garden at opening time on Monday.

‘We’d bowled them out 116 in their own backyard and taken commanding position in the test. Hick was just doing his job. It would have been his maiden Ashes century.

‘Why haven’t you bought Jaegerbomb chasers with that round?’

The Kenna will pay its respects to Prince Philip by firing 41 rounds into any manager caught tactical Brambling at the next auction.

Covid Cup – quarter final first leg

Bala Rinas 26 – 12 Thieving Magpies
Cowley Casuals 22 – 24 The Dark Lord
Fadges 19 – 4 Lokomotiv Leeds
TNS 23 – 22 Craft Beer Wankers

Kenna League week 28

Kenna League week 28 - 13 April 2021
Kenna League week 28 – 13 April 2021
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Cock block

THE Suez Canal was blocked for several days by a draft Kenna update about rumours of James Rodriguez’s gender reassignment.

So inappropriate it could be seen from space, the post attempted to make ironic observations about society’s attitudes to diversity, but only led to huge delays in maritime shipping.

‘It was obvious there was nothing in the Rodriguez rumours and they were ripe for the kind of biting satire for which the Kenna has come to be known,’ began the chairman brightly.

‘We started a list of potential headlines, but at some point we wrote down ‘J Rod-less’ and we began to suspect our insightful metaphor could be taken out of context.

‘We’re football administrators but we’re not completely out-of-touch blazers. We know a fantasy league won twice in the past by a side called Sporting Lesbian is not in the best place to make wry comment on gender and sexual orientation,’ he said, as two men with an excavator made a futile attempt to dig the chairman out of the hole he’d created.

Pressure from international shipping concerns eventually led to the Kenna abandoning the draft post.

Maritime routes reopened and the Craft Beer Wankers manager returned from his snap visit to the Red Sea.

Kenna HQ is now left with nothing to include in the latest league and cup updates.

‘There’s not much happening at in the world at the moment,’ said the chairman.

‘After all it’s not like the Pikey Scum manager’s brother in law has been arrested for grand theft auto and possession, or Frank Lampard’s sex tape has been published online.’

Covid Cup – group stage results

Covid Cup - 19 March 2021
Covid Cup – 19 March 2021

Kenna League week 27

Kenna week 27 – 6 April 2021

Kenna League week 26

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 26 - 23 March 2021
Kenna week 26 – 23 March 2021

Kenna League week 25

Kenna League week 25 - 19 March 2021
Kenna League week 25 – 19 March 2021
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Remains found in search for missing Kenna title defence

DYNAMO Charlton have given up hope of winning a second consecutive Kenna League title after police found remains in a Kent woodland.

Police chief Desdemona Johnson said it will take time for formal identification and added this was “every Kenna manager’s worst nightmare.”

The Dynamo manager reported his championship defence as missing last week, but many claim it was gone the moment he signed Sebastian Haller at the pre-season auction in September last year.

Dynamo dropped to 10th place in the league this week, but there is a glimmer of silverware as they sit second in the Covid Cup group A with a game to play.

However, their final group-stage tie is against Bala Rinas who presently sit 200 points above Dynamo at the top of the Kenna League table.

A man with a ginger beard has been arrested.

Covid Cup

Top two teams qualify

Covid Cup - 9 March 2021
Covid Cup – 9 March 2021

Kenna League week 24

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 24 – 9 March 2021
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Sean Dyche’s Kenna lookalikes

KENNA League managers have all been assigned lookalikes after a gang turned up at Kenna HQ and assaulted the chairman with soggy marine life.

The incident happened following a press conference in which Sean Dyche – although it could have been Mick Hucknall – said any footballing body who does not fully embrace lookalikes should be ‘slapped with a wet fish’.

The Kenna chairman admitted while there were already pockets of managers identified as lookalikes, adopting this as policy across the league was long overdue.

‘We’ve long recognised the Judean Peoples’ Front manager as our very own Anders Breivik, and the vice chairman is regularly reminding everyone I look like Jamie O’Hara, but to date there has been no concerted effort to find lookalikes for every Kenna manager,’ said Jamie O….the chairman.

‘Now every manager, for better or for worse, has a lookalike on their team profile page.

‘We understand some managers may be unhappy with their lookalike choice, and there is a process to challenge it.’

Any manager who wishes to appeal to get their own or another manager’s lookalike changed must present a better alternative to Kenna HQ for consideration.

‘We’re looking forward to hearing the appeals,’ said the chairman.

Sportsmen
The Chairman – Jamie O’Hara
The Barry Town manager – Thomas Tuchel
The Walthamstow Reds manager – Ted ‘The Count’ Hankey
The Lokomotiv Leeds manager – Gael Clichy

Politicians
The Piss Poor manager – Vladimir Putin

TV and radio
The Hairy Fadjeetas manager – Tony Livesey
The Bunch of Kuntz manager – Dale Winton
The Pikey Scum manager – ‘Dave Hedgehog’
The Dynamo Charlton manager – ‘Gareth Keenan’

Children’s characters
The Clotted Cream First manager – Bungle
The Thame Network Solutions manager – Badger
The Thieving Magpies manager – Skeletor
The Treasurer – Bitzer

Film
The Daggers’n’Redbridge manager – ‘Don Logan’
The Test Team (please ignore) manager – Stanley Tucci
The Dark Lord – ‘Hugo Drax’
The Craft Beer Wankers manager – ‘Abduwali Abdukhadir Muse’

Murderers
The Judean Peoples’ Front manager – Anders Breivik
The Vice Chairman – Vincent Tabak
The Cowley Casuals manager – Stuart Hazell

Covid Cup results and standings

Top two teams qualify.

Covid Cup 2 March 2021
Covid Cup 2 March 2021

Kenna League week 23

Kenna week 23 - 2 March 2021
Kenna week 23 – 2 March 2021

Kenna League week 22

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 22 - 24 February 2021
Kenna week 22 – 24 February 2021
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The chairman said:

“I think the phrase rhymes with clucking may God.”

Covid Cup results

Bala 29 – 14 Dark Lord
Dynamo 39 – 36 Reds
Scum 27 – 44 Pies
Casuals 34 – 18 Kuntz
Chairman 36 – 32 Cream
TT 13 – 18 Fadges
PP 26 – 21 TNS
Barry 35 – 47 Lokomotiv

Kenna League week 21

Full scores available in The Rub.

Kenna week 21 - 18 February 2021
Kenna week 21 – 18 February 2021
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Black Country ‘f-yow-ry’

FOUR football managers from Wolverhampton have filed a class action lawsuit against the Kenna League for alleged discrimination at last week’s transfer window.

Running the window auction on video conferencing for the first time in the history of the Kenna, the chairman kept mistaking which Black Country manager was bidding for players because ‘they all sound the same to me’.

‘Usually we’re in the pub and I can tell who’s who because of where they’re sitting and where the low sort-of-growly noise is coming from. Last Friday it was a wall of tiles on the screen,’ said the chairman this week.

The Wulfrunian managers were outraged, and have not accepted the chairman’s explanation, instead choosing to pursue legal action.

The Wolverhampton-born manager of Walthamstow Reds detailed exactly why they were taking this issue so seriously: ‘Yam yam yam. Yam yam yam. Yam yam just laayzy stereotoiping.

‘Yam yam yam. Yam yam yam. Yam yam hyowman roights infringement.’

The Thieving Magpies manager, another plaintiff, was clearly furious: ‘Yam yam yam. Yam yam yam. Yam yam don’t all sound the soime. It’s a disgroice.’

The Cowley Casuals boss told the Express and Star: ‘Yam yam yam. Yam yam yam. Yam yam soigned Benrahma not Royan Bertrand.’

The fourth Black Country manager to file the class action suit, the Bunch of Kuntz gaffer, is in his debut season in the Kenna. He added a touch of metaphor to his comment on the situation: ‘Yam yam yam. Yam yam yam. Yam yam Ebangks-Blaayke in Roileys on Broad Street.’

Covid Cup draw

Group A – Bala Rinas, The Dark Lord, Dynamo Charlton, Reds, Vice chairman

Group B – Pikey Scum, Pies, Casuals, Bunch of Kuntz, Daggers

Group C – Chairman’s XI, Clotted Cream, Test Team, Fadges, The Pirate

Group D – Piss Poor, TNS, Barry Town, Lokomotiv, Breivik

This weekend

Bala v Dark Lord
Dynamo v Reds
Scum v Pies
Casuals v Kuntz
Chairman v Cream
TT v Fadges
PP v TNS
Barry v Lokomotiv

Kenna League week 20

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 20 - 11 February 2021
Kenna week 20 – 11 February 2021
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Five things to watch out for at tomorrow’s Kenna transfer window

THE Kenna League’s first fully remote transfer window starts tomorrow at 6pm.

This is the only window of the season – the Kenna usually has two – and presents the sole chance for managers to set up their teams for the campaign finale.

Here are five things Kenna managers will have a keen eye on tomorrow.

The Bala Rinas manager

The Bala Rinas manager has come a long way since signing Carlos Edwards in the upstairs bar of the Black Horse on Rathbone Place 14 years ago.

Not only did he become league treasurer, this season he’s flying at the top of the table, but his previous best is three third place finishes between 2014 and 2016, and he is unaccustomed to entering a transfer window at this altitude.

Will his fledging membership of the mile high club come to a premature end even before the stewardess opens the flaps on her drinks trolley?

Bala Rinas released ballast Saed Kolasinac and Oliver Norwood earlier this week, and Trent Alexander-Arnold ends his loan spell.

The manager needs to sign a midfielder and two defenders, a big ask with just £2.5m in the bank.

Tomas Soucek (87 points), Kurt Zouma (80), Jan Bednarek (78), and Thiago Silva (71) will be top of the Bala Rinas’ shopping list, but the manager could be in for a long evening.

Edison Cavani

Chiselled from marble and deadlier from close range than a Covid-contaminated queue outside Greggs, Cavani is a world-class striker.

Despite only making seven starts in 20 game weeks, the neo-classical goal threat has already racked up 56 points and is now a regular starter.

Rodrigo, McGoldrick, Welbeck and Benteke are the highest-scoring alternatives from the available forwards. The Uruguayan will come at a premium.

The Test Team (please ignore) manager – the window’s richest club with £34.5m at his disposal – may decide to wildcard Chris Wood to make way.

The other most affluent managers are all Bramble tied too. Could we see the likes of Victor Lindelof, Ivan Cavaleiro, David De Gea, or Obi Wan-Bissaka released on wildcards?

‘Lingardinho’

August 2018. That’s the last time Jesse Lingard was signed by a Kenna manager.

Since then his stock as a midfielder has fallen almost as low as Adam Johnson’s.

But then he moved south this week and scored two goals in one game.

Could he be a replacement for Mason Greenwood at Test Team (please ignore)? Or Dele Alli at Barry Town? Or Bill Cosby at Walthamstow Reds?

The Dark Lord’s wildcard

No stranger to controversy or a title challenge, the FC Testiculadew manager is set for another window of smoke and mirrors to cut the gap on league leaders Bala Rinas.

Releasing only his loan player Matheus Pereira, foremost in his thoughts will be Ross Barkley or Pascal Gross to fill the gap in midfield.

It’s hard to predict where FCT can improve a team of steady points accumulators, but every Kenna manager knows (and every Kenna administrator dreads) ‘the Tactical Brambler‘ will spend the next 24 hours deep in scheme.

The Pirate’s Bramble

Second from bottom in the league, the Craft Beer Wankers boss is the lowest-ranked manager not to have his team recruited completely by autofill.

Having released Glenn Murray, Felipe Anderson and Muswell Hill murderer Dennis Nilsen, the Pirate has just £1.5m to sign three players.

The question in every manager’s mind is: even knowing he can only spend point five on each player, will the Pirate drink enough of his home brew to Bramble on the likes of Cavani or Zouma? Or even buy a crocked Raul Jiminez?

Like a 100-year-old Second World War veteran admitted to hospital with Coronavirus, you know the writing’s on the wall.

Player releases and remaining budgets

ManagerLoan playerReleasesBramble tiesWar chest (£m)
PaulGreenwoodEgan, Dubravka34.5
MackayAlli, VVD, Batshit27
JackJack O’Connell, Gary Cahill25
DudleyD Sanchez, Basham, Neves, Bill Cosby, Martinelli18.5
WillMcBurnieOtamendi17
ChairmanRyan, J Rod17
AlexHallerDiangana15
AidenRodrigo LeedsDonny VDB15
StuBarkleyBryan, Ake, Barnes, JiminezBarkley, Grealish14
BreivikBaleOzil14
Vice chairmanRobson-Kanu14
SilverThiagoDean Henderson, Mustafi, Austin, Dwight Gayle14
Rob14
SadlerJoelintonGomez, Long, Havertz, Vinagre, Mitrovic, Rice13
OliGrossCaballero, Cyrus Christie9.5
Dark LordPereira West Brom7
John NorrisFred7
PhilVertonghen, Trezeguet3
LewisTrentNorwood, Kolasinac2.5
AbdiGlenn Murray, Denis Nilsen, Felipe Anderson1.5

Kenna League week 19

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 19 - 2 February 2021
Kenna week 19 – 2 February 2021
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