The Kenna League chairman has called Professor Thomas Chamberlain from the Lyle Centre to help find 12 months of missing posts from the Kenna blog. Chamberlain sends Dr Nikki Alexander and Jack Hodgson to Kenna HQ. They are with the chairman in his executive office.
NIKKI: I can see this body’s been here for quite some time. Let me get my big camera with the circle light on the end.
CHAIRMAN: That’s not why I asked you here. The last 12 months of Kenna blog content has gone missing.
NIKKI: But there’s a dead body in the corner of your office. It looks to have been decomposing for nearly a decade. There are blow flies here so long they’ve chalked out some football pitches and are on the second four-year cycle of their own World Cup. Who is it?
CHAIRMAN: That’s just the spirit of the Kenna. It died at the 2012 Euros auction when the Dark Lord unmasked himself as the tactical Brambler.
JACK: Let’s take a closer look at your desk.
CHAIRMAN: What’s that you’re holding?
JACK: It shines UV light to find evidence. It’s a called a jizzlamp.
CHAIRMAN: I’d rather you didn’t….
Jack switches on the device
NIKKI: Good God!
JACK: The jizzlamp doesn’t lie.
CHAIRMAN: Ignore those stains. They’re nothing to do with the missing Kenna posts. They’re to do with a website that’s unrelated.
JACK: Unrelated how? Like a stepmom?
NIKKI: Or a MILF?
CHAIRMAN: That website material is nothing to do with this.
JACK: I need to get Clarissa on the blower.
CHAIRMAN: Well, it certainly wasn’t that sort of content.
JACK: Hi, I’m going to send you some data from the Kenna HQ porn laptop.
CLARISSA (on speakerphone): Interesting.
CHAIRMAN: Why are you calling it the porn laptop?
JACK: Because the jizzlamp doesn’t lie.
CLARISSA: I’ve run the data you sent. There are about 50 posts. Most of them appear to have been about someone called the Dark Lord.
NIKKI: The tactical Brambler.
JACK: Nikki, this really isn’t the episode to develop a love interest.
NIKKI: Don’t worry about me. I’m still seeing that Yank.
CHAIRMAN: Alexi Lalas?
ALEXA: Playing The La’s, There She Goes
JACK: Heroine. Here, in your desk drawer.
CHAIRMAN: It’s morphine. It belonged to my father. Mixed with beer, wine, gin and tonic, cognac, tobacco, diazepam and a changing family dynamic it’s actually quite useful for the early stages of bereavement.
CLARISSA: I found something here about football chants.
CHAIRMAN: Oh yes, I published some chants based on Newcastle United and the potential takeover by….of course!
CHAIRMAN: The Saudis. Don’t you see?
NIKKI: See what? A dead body in the corner of your office and a desk that looks like a painter’s radio?
CHAIRMAN: It was the bloody Saudis! Those thin-skinned tyrants. They must have deleted all that content because they were offended by the football chants.
CLARISSA: Before you get carried away, may I ask if you ever backed up the Kenna website?
CHAIRMAN: What’s that?
CLARISSA: From what I can see here you didn’t back up your site before changing your hosting arrangements.
CHAIRMAN: No, it must have been the Saudis. I bet they’re working with vice chairman. That rat.
NIKKI: Didn’t the vice chairman come up in a toxicology report a couple of summers ago?
JACK: The whole league did, after the Dmitri Kharine Russia World Cup auction.
CLARISSA: Mr chairman, you didn’t back up your site. That’s why the posts have gone. It’s nothing to do with the Saudis.
CHAIRMAN: Then why did I receive this invitation to the Saudi consulate in the post today?
JACK: That’s a receipt from your local butcher.
CHAIRMAN: The swine.
Kenna League – three weeks to go
Full scores available from The Rub
Coronavirus Cup – last 16 results
Test Team 57 – 45 Cowley Casuals
Dynamo Charlton 66 – 46 Hairy Fadjeetas
Clotted Cream First 46 – 40 TNS
Barry Town 43 – 75 Daggers
JPF 30 – 43 Lowry Travel Tavern
Fat Ladies 43 – 43 Magpies (Magpies progress as they less players who scored no points)
So Good 46 – 68 Young Boys
Bala Rinas 51 – 44 Pikey Scum
Quarter final fixtures
Cowley Casuals v Bala Rinas
Dynamo Charlton v Young Boys
Clotted Cream First v Magpies
Daggers v Lowry Travel Tavern