Season review – Welsh flag on top for second time

CHRIS Smalling did his best to rain on the parade but in the end Young Boys of Vauxhall cruised to their second Kenna League title.

A red card for the defender was a rare blot on an otherwise excellent season for the Welshman’s side, which saw him join Young Boys Riyad Mahrez, Romelu Lukaku and Nacho Monreal in breaking individual scores of 150 points.

Lukaku broke 200 points some weeks ago before taking an early summer, which left the door ajar for Walthamstow Reds.

A Midlands Miracle was unforthcoming, and the Wulfrunian manager contrived to lose out on the title while beating a strong spring showing from the Bala Rinas side of the treasurer – MOTM in March and April.

Or should we say the Bala Rinas of the treasurer’s auction second? With no transfers made at either window, the decisions made on that warm August afternoon on the balcony of the Hoop & Grapes, including the insubordinate signature of David De Gea, made the difference.

At the helm of his own club, the treasurer’s second promises to be a formidable foe next season.

Another one to watch carefully is the defending Euros champion and manager of Dynamo Charlton, who ploughed their usual furrow of consistency to claim fourth. The manager’s preference for keeping a low profile and a longer-term strategy bore fruit.

Seven of his August signatures broke 100 points, and his dependable and unglamorous recruitment policy saw only £15m spent on six of those, leaving enough in the bank to cherry pick Anthony Martial at the October window.

Pikey Scum won their second cup, but lost out on fifth place on goals scored in the last week to the mercurial rise of Just Put Carles.

Sitting 15th in January, Harry Kane’s 234 points, more than 150 each from Alexis Sanchez and Cesc Fabregas, and tons from Alberto Moreno and Patrick van Aanholt saw the red and yellow Senyera flying higher in the Kenna than it was in the Vicente Calderon.

On the subject of flags, the Jolly Roger of the league’s Somali representative is planted above the relegation zone for the first time in three seasons.

An all-too-common diary mix up in August saw the Islington Sports Islam & Leisure manager make seven changes to his automatically-generated side at the October window.

A rare administrative error at Kenna HQ saw ISIL field the wrong goalkeeper until January, when Heurelho Gomes was rightfully restored. The backlog of points saw ISIL jump seven places in the league. A further six transfers in February had the club in a familiar tailspin for the rest of the campaign.

Hairy Fadjeetas, Headless Chickens and Uncertain failed to capitalise on such incompetence. Their absolute lack of transfer activity in February hints at situations too dismal to contemplate.

In particular Headless Chickens, whose manager saw fit to field Sergio Ramos for the duration of the season.

An honourable mentions goes to the Wandsworth Network Solutions manager, who scooped three MOTMs in a row over winter with Ayoze Perez up front.

Prize money

Young Boys – Champions (£150), October MOTM (£12.50) = £162.50

Pikey Scum – Narcozep Cup winners (£75) = £75

Bala Rinas – third place (£25), September, March and April MOTMs (£37.50) = £62.50

Walthamstow Reds – runners up (£50) = £50

Wandsworth Network Solutions – December, January and February MOTMs (£37.50)

Dynamo Charlton – Wenger Trophy (£12.50), August MOTM (£12.50) = £25

Just Put Carles – May MOTM (£12.50) = £12.50

Judean Peoples’ Front – November MOTM (£12.50) = £12.50

Final Kenna table and form guide – 2015/16

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna League table and form guide 2015/16
Kenna League table and form guide 2015/16

Weekly scores

Weekly scores 38 - 2015/16
Weekly scores 38 – 2015/16
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Smalling own goal form Reds’ only hope

WILLIAM Gallas once made the infamous threat to pump balls into his own net unless his transfer request was granted.

It would take Chris Smalling to perform a similar stunt 12 times on Saturday for Young Boys to be denied their second Kenna League championship by Walthamstow Reds.

Coming into the last couple of weeks of the season with an outside chance of winning the double, Reds also lost their Narcozep Cup final with Pikey Scum by three points.

“F*ck b0ll0cking b0ll0cks,” said the Reds manager outside the club’s ground The Old Dog Track.

Both Young Boys and Pikey Scum win their respective silverware for the second successive time.

Young Boys won their maiden league title in 2011. Pikey Scum won the Canesten Combi Cup in 2008.

“If I was coming to the pub tonight to watch the Europa League final I would mainly be gloating,” said the Young Boys manager, silently concerned about Smalling’s form after a second own goal of the campaign last night.

The treasurer looks set to take third place in the league, overcoming his deep misgivings of his August auction second’s policy.

With one match remaining of the season, most managers have already turned to preparations for the Jean-Alain Boumsong Euros auction next month.

Narcozep Cup final – result

Walthamstow Reds 23 – 26 Pikey Scum

Pikey Scum win the Narcozep Cup

Kenna League table – week 37

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table - week 37 - 18 May 2016
Kenna table – week 37 – 18 May 2016

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Young Boys Andrew D 40 2
2 Uncertain Pete B 40 2
3 Bala Rinas Lewis 29 3
4 Northern Monkeys Hugo 29 3
5 KS West Green Stix 28 1
6 Team Panda George 26 4
7 Pikey Scum Jack 26 1
8 Cowley Casuals Stu 25 2
9 Carles Carles 25 1
10 Dynamo Charlton Alex 24 0
11 Newington Reds Ben D 23 0
12 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 20 1
13 Thieving Magpies Phil 17 0
14 Headless Chickens John N 14 1
15 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 13 1
16 ISIL Abdi 13 0
17 FC Tescticuladew James N 12 0
18 Judean People’s Front Sholto 11 0
19 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 9 1
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Giroud, O – ARS – STR
Club Team Panda
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As unpredictable as Macedonian taxis

TWO assists from Philippe Coutinho and a Jermaine Defoe goal put Kenna title challengers Walthamstow Reds to within 25 points of leaders Young Boys this week.

The smart money is very much still on Young Boys, who have a superior goal count and the only likely starter next weekend of the two sides: Chris Smalling.

The Walthamstow Reds manager will have likely resigned himself to another league second place considering the club have more chance of silverware elsewhere.

The Narcozep Cup final against Pikey Scum, whose manager along with the Reds boss is another Kenna co-founder and committee member, promises to be a ding dong battle.

The Scum manager is looking for his second cup win, having claimed the Canesten Combi Cup in 2008. Whether Memphis Depay, Emmanuel Adebayor and the rest of the team can outperform Reds like they did by two points last weekend remains to be seen.

Taking time from his official visit to the Balkans, where it turns out the Hairy Fadjeetas manager really has been checking for teeth, the chairman said: “As many players already have one foot on the beach or one eye on next month’s Jean-Alain Boumsong Euros, the only thing we can predict about Sunday is it will unpredictable. A bit like trying to book a taxi in the Skopje.”


Narcozep Cup final this Sunday

Walthamstow Reds v Pikey Scum

Kenna table – week 36

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table - week 36 - 12 May 2016
Kenna table – week 36 – 12 May 2016

Weekly scores

Kenna weekly scores - week 36 - 12 May 2016
Kenna weekly scores – week 36 – 12 May 2016
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Chairman organises piss up in brewery. Twice.

BEAVERTOWN Brewery could become the new Kenna HQ local after the chairman was spotted drinking there two weekends in a row.

The unorthodox choice is thought to stem from the delicious, cheap beer, which helps visitors overlook they’re spending the best Saturday weather of the year so far in an industrial estate carpark in Tottenham.

Sources close to the chairman say he’s tempted to make the craft beer warehouse a regular haunt.

News the chairman’s head has been turned will come as a blow to Kenna August auction venue hopeful The Westbury in N22.

Just 10 minutes’ walk from Kenna HQ and serving well-kept Brooklyn Lager, The Westbury was widely tipped to become the first pub outside zone 1 to host the auction.

Beavertown’s unusual opening hours – Saturdays only from 2pm to 8pm – are a perfect fit for the Kenna auction, but the lack of rain cover, lack of Sky Sports, lack of hooks under the bar, lack of optics and lack of Scotch egg options are all negatives.

The chairman’s successful organisation of two piss ups in a brewery is being seen as a poke in the chest to those in the Kenna committee who question his abilities to run the league.

“So long as that’s the only place he’s poking us,” said the Young Boys manager.

The chairman refused to be drawn on the subject at this morning’s press conference.

He would only confirm this week’s points would be counted on Thursday, to leave Sunday’s matches alone deciding the Narcozep Cup final between Pikey Scum and Walthamstow Reds.

The latter club made no dent in Young Boys’ lead over the weekend. Reds striker Jermaine Defoe’s performance on Wednesday night is now being touted as the manager’s final throw of the dice in his hunt for a maiden Kenna title, and possibly The Double.

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The chairman’s new clothes

ENTRANTS to a fantasy football Euro 2016 auction should turn up in replica football shirts celebrating the competition, it was announced today.

At a press conference this morning, organisers of the Jean-Alain Boumsong Euros auction said managers should wear shirts ‘recognising players and teams who have enhanced our experience of the European Cup’.

“As for my shirt, for me, when I think of Germany winning the Euros in England 20 years ago, I think Kuntz,” the chairman told stunned journalists.

The comment was part explained when the chairman unveiled the shirt he would be wearing to the auction in early June: the number 11 Stefan Kuntz Germany shirt from Euro 96.

“Everyone has a Kuntz,” he went on oblivious. “A player, a team, a moment which has shaped their memories of the competition.

“You say to me: van Basten’s volley, Poborsky’s scoopZidane’s control, Gazza’s magic, Villa’s hat trick, Zlatan’s flick, Pirlo’s pinpoint accuracy, Figo’s comeback and Suker’s lob.

“And I say to you: Dutch Kuntz, Czech Kuntz, French Kuntz, English, Kuntz, Spanish Kuntz, Swedish Kuntz, Italian Kuntz, Portuguese Kuntz and Croatian Kuntz.”

When one reporter asked if managers at the auction – decked out in all these different football shirts – would end up looking like ‘a bunch of Kuntz’, the chairman looked slightly bemused.

“Well, that’s a pretty crude way of putting it, but yes, I suppose in that sense they will,” he replied, warming to the analogy. “But not a bunch of Kuntz, I’d say it’ll be more like a festival or carnival of Kuntz.”

Taking place on the evening of Friday 10 June at the Hoop and Grapes on Farringdon Road, the Boumsong auction will see up to 20 managers battling it out to sign their eleven players for the tournament.

Managers can only sign one player of each nationality. They will have the added challenge of the opening match of the tournament France v Romania being played on television at the same.

In the domestic league this week, Andros Townsend and Jermaine Defoe both found the net to help Walthamstow Reds cut Young Boys‘ lead by another eight points to 38.

Kenna table – week 35

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table - week 35 - 3 May 2016
Kenna table – week 35 – 3 May 2016

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Cowley Casuals Stu 39 3
2 Pikey Scum Jack 39 0
3 Northern Monkeys Hugo 36 4
4 Newington Reds Ben D 31 2
5 Bala Rinas Lewis 29 2
6 Dynamo Charlton Alex 27 2
7 Uncertain Pete B 24 3
8 Headless Chickens John N 24 1
9 FC Tescticuladew James N 24 1
10 Young Boys Andrew D 23 1
11 Thieving Magpies Phil 22 2
12 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 21 1
13 Carles Carles 18 1
14 ISIL Abdi 17 2
15 KS West Green Stix 17 1
16 Judean People’s Front Sholto 15 0
17 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 13 0
18 Team Panda George 13 0
19 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 7 0
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Mane, S – SOT – MID
Club Cowley Casuals
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A week in the life of the Kenna title race

For the first time since 2008 the Kenna title race is mildly interesting.

Having led the league since 17 September – that’s 29 weeks – Young Boys are trying hard to fluff their lines.

Chasers Walthamstow Reds have hit form at the tail end of the season, which this week saw them shave some points from the leaders and earn the manager a juicy Narcozep Cup final place against fellow Kenna committee member and league co-founder the Pikey Scum manager.

Young Boys started the week 49 points ahead, which was immediately cut last Tuesday night when Andros Townsend was the only player of the two sides to start.

On Wednesday, Reds cut the lead further when Matteo Darmian got the defender’s Shanghai of a clean sheet, a goal and an assist (marred by a yellow card) and Philippe Coutinho scored. Once lauded, John Stones had a shocker.

In response, a Chris Smalling clean sheet was the highlight for Young Boys, as Romelu Lukaku and Emmanuel Emenike continued their dry spells, and Jordan Ibe failed to make an impact as a sub.

Mesut Özil’s early summer holiday was again in evidence on Thursday. He could only turn up for Reds. Meanwhile, Young Boys picked up a clean sheet from Nacho Monreal.

Injury to Reds striker Jonathan Walters meant Saturday didn’t get going in the battle until after the lunchtime fixture. Townsend was on hand with an assist for Reds, who edged the afternoon session over Young Boys: Ibe and Marc Pugh made appearances of sorts and Fraser Forster twice picked the ball out of his net.

It all fell apart for Young Boys on Saturday evening. Inside 20 minutes Smalling scored an own goal and Lukaku missed a penalty. The Kenna Whatsapp group lit up.

Things were rosier for the league leaders on Sunday. Riyad Mahrez pounced and Monreal picked up a clean sheet, as did Kasper Schmeichel for Reds. Jermaine Defoe failed to do more than appear for the chasers. Özil flip-flopped around.

Finally, Monday night saw Young Boys’ second own goal of the week. Perpetrator Craig Dawson made amends with a goal at the other end, but it was a night the Young Boys manager will probably want to forget.

After all that, Reds only managed to take three points from Young Boys’ lead, pegging it back to 46.

The Reds manager will have to conjure a lot more from his side in the last three weeks of the season to be in with the chance of a maiden double. After 11 years without a trophy, the Narcozep Cup could be enough.

Narcozep Cup semi final second leg results

Lokomotiv Leeds 21 (53) – 32 (58) Pikey Scum
Dynamo Charlton 47 (66) – 45 (76) Walthamstow Reds

Final on 17 May: Walthamstow Reds v Pikey Scum

Kenna table – week 34

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 34 - 26 April 2016
Kenna table week 34 – 26 April 2016

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Carles Carles 67 2
2 FC Tescticuladew James N 59 3
3 Bala Rinas Lewis 54 2
4 Thieving Magpies Phil 53 3
5 Dynamo Charlton Alex 47 2
6 Newington Reds Ben D 45 2
7 Young Boys Andrew D 42 2
8 Northern Monkeys Hugo 40 3
9 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 38 1
10 KS West Green Stix 36 2
11 Uncertain Pete B 34 2
12 Pikey Scum Jack 32 0
13 Headless Chickens John N 27 1
14 Cowley Casuals Stu 26 1
15 Team Panda George 25 1
16 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 21 0
17 ISIL Abdi 17 0
18 Judean People’s Front Sholto 15 0
19 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 13 0
Points Player
Player of the week 18 Tadic, D – SOT – MID
Club FC Tescticuladew
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The worst team of the year, according to the stats

FOLLOWING publication of the PFA team of the year, the Daily Telegraph has posted the worst team of 2015/16.

Always keen to identify the the biggest gaffes by Kenna League managers, we’ve assessed each player.

Goalkeeper – Simon Mignolet (KS West Green)

DT said: Sometimes seems like an easy target but the stats don’t do him any favours at all.

Has the second-worst save percentage in the Premier League this season, saving just 60 per cent of the shots on target he has faced, while he has also made three errors leading to opposition goals, costing Liverpool a total of six points against Norwich, West Brom and Sunderland.

Without those mistakes Liverpool would be a point off fourth with a game in hand.

Kenna season: Signed by the chairman for £9m, the Belgian has broken the 100-point mark, bettering the likes of Brad Guzan, Lukasz Fabianski, Adrian.

Defender – Alan Hutton (unsigned)

DT said: Wins have been extremely rare for Aston Villa this season, but they have been non-existent with Hutton on the field.

He has made 25 appearances and Villa have won none of those games. Without him they have three wins from nine.

Oh, and he scored two own goals.

Kenna season: Even Kenna managers have learnt not to touch ‘The Scottish Cafu’ with a bargepole.

Defender – Micah Richards (Team Panda)

micah-richards-football-gettyimages-479350018_3321334DT said: Was meant to add experience, stability and steel to the Villa defence but has done quite the opposite. The awful team he has captained have conceded 48 goals in the 22 games he has played; that’s 2.2 goals per game with him compared to 1.4 without him.

Neither is good enough but Richards has basically managed to make Villa worse.

Kenna season: The Pandas manager hasn’t made any transfers since signing Richards for £6m at the August auction for a return of 52 points.

Defender – Sebastian Coates (unsigned)

DT said: Was a mainstay for the first half of the season in the defence of a team that was giving Aston Villa a real run for its money as late as the end of November.

The only thing of note Coates did in his 16 appearances was score the above own goal. He was then deemed surplus to requirements, which is quite an achievement in a defence as leaky as Sunderland’s.

Kenna season: The once-promising Uruguayan was ignored by Kenna managers.

Midfielder – James McClean (unsigned)

DT said: Far from the most popular man in English football, McClean has rather had a season to forget.

In a Tony Pulis team where crosses are so important, McClean has attempted a whopping 182 crosses, but 141 have failed to find a team-mate. He only has two assists to his name all season.

Kenna season: Hasn’t appeared in a Kenna team since finishing midtable with PSV Mornington in 2012/13.

Midfielder – Jonjo Shelvey (Dynamo Charlton)

Jonjo Shelvey ITVDT said: Shelvey could have been a shrewd purchase at £12 million, but is starting to look like a complete waste of money.

He has scored just one goal from 56 shots all season and looks unfit at present. It speaks volumes that it isn’t all that surprising that Newcastle have improved since he was dropped.

Kenna season: Snapped up for £0.5m in August by Dynamo and a regular starter until the last few weeks, although 40 points isn’t much to shout about.

Midfielder – Gareth Barry (Wandsworth Network Solutions)

DT said: Barry has been a solid Premier League player for years on end, but is perhaps starting to look a little off the pace.

He doesn’t provide his defence with enough protection, and has made more mistakes leading to an opposition chance than any other player in the top flight this season. People are talking about a potential change at the top at Goodison Park but perhaps one is needed at their heart.

Kenna season: A return of 61 points so far this term could be considered ample for the £0.5m August price tag.

Midfielder – Jack Grealish (Young Boys of Vauxhall)

DT said: Thought he had the world at his feet before this season and did not realise the hard work he needs to put in to become the player he can be.

Scored in September and then failed to add another goal or assist for the whole season. Villa have lost every single game he has appeared in.

Kenna season: The £3m August signing was carried by the league leaders until the February transfer window, where he was realised on a free.

Midfielder – Eden Hazard (Northern Monkeys)

Eden Hazard - aj1634 from Flickr

DT said: The only thing anywhere near as surprising as Leicester’s title charge is how woefully bad Chelsea and their player of the season from last year, Eden Hazard, have been.

Hazard has produced a grand total of zero goals and three assists across 26 appearances this season and just looks like he wants out of the club. His heart isn’t in it any more.

Kenna season: At £39m Hazard was one of the most expensive players at the August auction. The Monkeys manager has kept faith in the Belgian, which has gone emphatically unrewarded.

Striker – Emmanuel Adebayor (Pikey Scum)

DT said: Earns over £100k-a-week yet has scored just a single goal since signing for Crystal Palace, who have won only one league game this year – a game in which Ade played no part.

Kenna season: Overlooked until the February transfer window when the Scum boss took a punt for an undisclosed fee. Has been chugging along at a respectable 2.8 points a week since and on the verge of a Narcozep Cup final appearance.

Striker – Cameron Jerome (Northern Monkeys and Headless Chickens)

DT said: Only a handful of players has had more ‘clear cut’ chances this season than Jerome, yet he has only three goals to his name.

A striker who doesn’t score. Now that’s exactly what a team fighting the drop need.

Kenna season: The half-million-pound signing scored just 18 points for Northern Monkeys before flogging him on for the same fee.

Was bought by the Chickens manager to replace Ronaldo when a rumoured move to England didn’t materialise. Jerome’s contribution of 50 points has not been enough to steer Chickens from almost certain relegation.

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The Young Boys squeaky bum test

‘SQUEAKY bums’ are not ruining Young Boys of Vauxhall’s chances in their Kenna League title run in, according to the manager.

Goals from Jermaine Defoe, Andros Townsend and Aaron Cresswell saw Walthamstow Reds put another dent in Young Boys’ lead this week. The gap is reduced to 49 points with four weeks left of the season.

In a press conference at the club’s Fiddler’s Harris training facility this morning, the Young Boys manager dismissed reports nerves were derailing his campaign for a second Kenna championship.

“I can tell you with certainty there are no Young Boys with squeaky bums on my watch. I’ve personally had eleven Young Boys in my office, one by one, licked my finger, stuck it up and seen which way the wind blows,” said the Welshman, and few in the Kenna could dispute his expertise talking guff.

Nevertheless, assists from Riyad Mahrez and Jordan Ibe aside it was another flat performance. Romelu Lukaku, so imperious before, hasn’t scored in four competitive weeks. Emmanuel Eminike hasn’t contributed more than appearance points in seven.

In marked contrast, Walthamstow Reds have come to life. Missing the February transfer window, the manager may have considered the signings of Jermaine Defoe and Andros Townsend a cruel prank by his second, but both players have hit form in the last couple of weeks.

Even if the league title evades him, the Reds manager is surely favourite for a maiden piece of silverware in the form of the Narcozep Cup. He goes into this weekend’s semi final second leg with a 12-point advantage.

A Jamie Vardy red card at Bikini Lane all but consigned the bottom three to the tactical ignominy of relegation from the Kenna. For most of the rest of the league it’s that time of year when there’s more dead rubber than a stationery cupboard massacre.

With the Jean-Alain Boumsong Euro 2016 auction just seven weeks away, managers ‘on the plane’ will already be distracted coming up with an amusing French-themed team name.

For everyone else, they’ll be winding down and reflecting on what might have been in 2015/16  – although hopefully in not so squalid fashion as Gabby Agbonlahor.

Narcozep Cup fixtures this weekend – semi final second leg

Lokomotiv Leeds (32) v (26) Pikey Scum
Dynamo Charlton (19) v (31) Walthamstow Reds

Kenna table – week 33

Scores from 00.01 Tuesday 12 April to 00.01 Tuesday 19 April. Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table - week 33 - 19 April 2016
Kenna table – week 33 – 19 April 2016

Weekly scores

Weekly scores 33 - 19 April 2016
Weekly scores 33 – 19 April 2016
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An empire not built of Panama Paper

THE Kenna chairman has slammed the treasurer after it emerged the fantasy football league was NOT caught up in the Panama Papers tax avoidance scandal.

In a heated tirade behind closed doors, which has become the talk of Kenna HQ, a furious chairman was overheard upbraiding the treasurer for ‘inappropriate use of league funds’.

Rumour has it the chairman’s outburst came after he found the Kenna was not listed among leaked documents from offshore law firm Mossack Fonseca.

“Are you meaning to tell me,” the chairman boomed audibly from his office, “out of 11 million leaked documents from Mossack Fonseca there isn’t a single one relating to Kenna League funds?

“Do you think anyone runs football for the good of the game? Just look around you. That ‘squeaky-clean’ new Fifa president’s implicated. Lionel Messi’s implicated. Andy Cole’s implicated. Even Gabriel Heinze’s mother is implicated. Mrs fucking Heinze is fiddling the game better than me!

“I’ll be the laughing stock of the entire international footballing community.”

A secretary who overheard the rant relayed it word for word in the Kenna HQ break room, as colleagues took coffee from mugs printed with ‘The world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league’.

“I’m only running this tin-pot operation as a stepping stone to Zurich,” the secretary had the chairman continuing. “We have little-to-no probity and you’ve actually been responsibly managing league funds every season. What sort of football bean counter are you?”

The treasurer’s timid response was heard to be something about being told to invest in Premium Bonds.

“Told! Told!” spluttered an incandescent chairman. “Everyone knows you tell the public you’re investing in grass roots schemes. You tell the public you’re building a fucking orphanage. But meanwhile you actually hide the money with some linen suit in a tropical paradise to pay for the boats and the girls. That’s how football administration works. Boats! Girls! Linen suits!

“More than 10 years running this godforsaken enterprise, pandering to the whims of that shower we call managers and all I have to show for it is respectable bookkeeping. How am I supposed to look the Fifa ethics committee in the eye at the next Zurich lunch?”

The eavesdropping secretary added the Kenna chairman made her phone The Guardian and the BBC several times a day to check if he was included in the Panama Papers. Both media have now blocked the number.

All at Kenna HQ were so preoccupied with the chairman’s outburst, not one person remarked the Young Boys‘ lead had been cut further to 53 points this week by Walthamstow Reds.

Neither did comment pass that the latter still had a slim chance of achieving a league and cup double following a strong semi final first leg in the Narcozep.

Narcozep Cup – semi final first leg results

Pikey Scum 26 – 32 Lokomotiv Leeds
Walthamstow Reds 31 – 19 Dynamo Charlton

Semi final second leg fixtures: 26 April

Kenna table – week 32

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 32 - 12 April 2016
Kenna table week 32 – 12 April 2016

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Bala Rinas Lewis 41 3
2 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 38 2
3 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 32 0
4 Newington Reds Ben D 31 2
5 Carles Carles 28 2
6 FC Tescticuladew James N 28 1
7 Pikey Scum Jack 26 3
8 KS West Green Stix 25 1
9 Team Panda George 24 0
10 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 23 2
11 Judean People’s Front Sholto 22 1
12 Thieving Magpies Phil 22 0
13 Northern Monkeys Hugo 20 0
14 Dynamo Charlton Alex 19 0
15 ISIL Abdi 18 1
16 Headless Chickens John N 18 0
17 Cowley Casuals Stu 11 0
18 Young Boys Andrew D 10 0
19 Uncertain Pete B 10 0
Points Player
Player of the week 16 Carroll, A – WHM – STR
Club Unsigned
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Fadges faced with Gordian Knot

ALEXANDER the Great overcame such a problem with ease.

When presented with the Gordian Knot in the Fourth Century BC, the Macedonian king simply sliced through it with his sword. They called it the ‘Alexandrian Solution’.

Having moved to the former kingdom of the Argead dynasty earlier this year, the Hairy Fadjeetas manager will hope to take that inspiration from their most famous monarch.

No stranger to life in the bottom half of the Kenna – the side have finished between 9th and 15th for the last four seasons – the Fadges boss not only finds himself in the unfamiliar territory of the Balkans, but also the relegation zone.

Fadjeetas dropped into the bottom three shortly after the manager’s move to Skopje in February to ‘influence key decision makers’.

Other than handful of ex-pat regulars at St Patrick’s Irish Pub on the banks of the Vardar and the nightshift in Key Dimitar Vlahov street where it’s advised one checks for teeth prior to striking a deal, it’s uncertain who exactly the manager has been influencing.

He certainly hasn’t been having a positive effect on his first eleven.

October transfer window buy Jamie Vardy and the odd spark from Nacer Chadli have failed to turn the fortunes of a side crippled with injury and dissatisfaction.

Kurt Zouma, Fabrico Coloccini and Raheem Sterling are three players who could significantly reduce the 37-point gap to safety, but all are out through injury.

Early in the campaign the manager’s choice of Saido Berahino was pinpointed as folly, and his decision to stick with the striker has only returned seven goals and three assists.

Dejan Lovern and Angel Rangel are both inconsistent compared to their form of previous seasons. When he does play, Kevin Mirallas spends most of the time sulking on the wing.

Brad Guzan has conceded the most goals (55) of any ‘keeper this term, and 13 more than the second leakiest gloveman Lukasz Fabianski of Team Panda.

All of which leave the Fadges boss in front of a tangled bit of Phrygian rope hopelessly looking for a sharp sword…and finding Wes Hoolahan.

Narcozep Cup – semi final first leg this weekend

Pikey Scum v Lokomotiv Leeds
Walthamstow Reds v Dynamo Charlton

Kenna table – week 31

Kenna table - week 31 - 5 April 2016
Kenna table – week 31 – 5 April 2016

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 FC Tescticuladew James N 46 3
2 Dynamo Charlton Alex 42 3
3 Newington Reds Ben D 42 1
4 KS West Green Stix 36 1
5 Carles Carles 34 2
6 Bala Rinas Lewis 33 1
7 Young Boys Andrew D 32 0
8 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 23 0
9 Judean People’s Front Sholto 21 0
10 Pikey Scum Jack 19 1
11 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 18 1
12 Thieving Magpies Phil 18 0
13 Northern Monkeys Hugo 15 0
14 Cowley Casuals Stu 13 0
15 ISIL Abdi 13 0
16 Headless Chickens John N 12 0
17 Uncertain Pete B 10 0
18 Team Panda George 9 0
19 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 9 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Pedro – CHE – MID
Club Unsigned
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