THE world’s leading fantasy football league has joined those paying respects to Prince Philip, hailing him as ‘The Duke of Inappropriate Content’.
Like Graeme Hick’s Sydney test innings in 1995, the senior royal sadly passed away just short of a ton.
‘As a Worcestershireman I still can’t believe Atherton declared after Hick kept the match alive for so long,’ said the Kenna chairman at a press conference to five journalists in a beer garden at opening time on Monday.
‘We’d bowled them out 116 in their own backyard and taken commanding position in the test. Hick was just doing his job. It would have been his maiden Ashes century.
‘Why haven’t you bought Jaegerbomb chasers with that round?’
The Kenna will pay its respects to Prince Philip by firing 41 rounds into any manager caught tactical Brambling at the next auction.
THE Suez Canal was blocked for several days by a draft Kenna update about rumours of James Rodriguez’s gender reassignment.
So inappropriate it could be seen from space, the post attempted to make ironic observations about society’s attitudes to diversity, but only led to huge delays in maritime shipping.
‘It was obvious there was nothing in the Rodriguez rumours and they were ripe for the kind of biting satire for which the Kenna has come to be known,’ began the chairman brightly.
‘We started a list of potential headlines, but at some point we wrote down ‘J Rod-less’ and we began to suspect our insightful metaphor could be taken out of context.
‘We’re football administrators but we’re not completely out-of-touch blazers. We know a fantasy league won twice in the past by a side called Sporting Lesbian is not in the best place to make wry comment on gender and sexual orientation,’ he said, as two men with an excavator made a futile attempt to dig the chairman out of the hole he’d created.
Pressure from international shipping concerns eventually led to the Kenna abandoning the draft post.
Maritime routes reopened and the Craft Beer Wankers manager returned from his snap visit to the Red Sea.
Kenna HQ is now left with nothing to include in the latest league and cup updates.
‘There’s not much happening at in the world at the moment,’ said the chairman.
‘After all it’s not like the Pikey Scum manager’s brother in law has been arrested for grand theft auto and possession, or Frank Lampard’s sex tape has been published online.’
KENNA League managers have all been assigned lookalikes after a gang turned up at Kenna HQ and assaulted the chairman with soggy marine life.
The incident happened following a press conference in which Sean Dyche – although it could have been Mick Hucknall – said any footballing body who does not fully embrace lookalikes should be ‘slapped with a wet fish’.
The Kenna chairman admitted while there were already pockets of managers identified as lookalikes, adopting this as policy across the league was long overdue.
‘We’ve long recognised the Judean Peoples’ Front manager as our very own Anders Breivik, and the vice chairman is regularly reminding everyone I look like Jamie O’Hara, but to date there has been no concerted effort to find lookalikes for every Kenna manager,’ said Jamie O….the chairman.
‘Now every manager, for better or for worse, has a lookalike on their team profile page.
‘We understand some managers may be unhappy with their lookalike choice, and there is a process to challenge it.’
Any manager who wishes to appeal to get their own or another manager’s lookalike changed must present a better alternative to Kenna HQ for consideration.
‘We’re looking forward to hearing the appeals,’ said the chairman.
FOUR football managers from Wolverhampton have filed a class action lawsuit against the Kenna League for alleged discrimination at last week’s transfer window.
Running the window auction on video conferencing for the first time in the history of the Kenna, the chairman kept mistaking which Black Country manager was bidding for players because ‘they all sound the same to me’.
‘Usually we’re in the pub and I can tell who’s who because of where they’re sitting and where the low sort-of-growly noise is coming from. Last Friday it was a wall of tiles on the screen,’ said the chairman this week.
The Wulfrunian managers were outraged, and have not accepted the chairman’s explanation, instead choosing to pursue legal action.
The Wolverhampton-born manager of Walthamstow Reds detailed exactly why they were taking this issue so seriously: ‘Yam yam yam. Yam yam yam. Yam yam just laayzy stereotoiping.
The Thieving Magpies manager, another plaintiff, was clearly furious: ‘Yam yam yam. Yam yam yam. Yam yam don’t all sound the soime. It’s a disgroice.’
The Cowley Casuals boss told the Express and Star: ‘Yam yam yam. Yam yam yam. Yam yam soigned Benrahma not Royan Bertrand.’
The fourth Black Country manager to file the class action suit, the Bunch of Kuntz gaffer, is in his debut season in the Kenna. He added a touch of metaphor to his comment on the situation: ‘Yam yam yam. Yam yam yam. Yam yam Ebangks-Blaayke in Roileys on Broad Street.’
Covid Cup draw
Group A – Bala Rinas, The Dark Lord, Dynamo Charlton, Reds, Vice chairman
Group B – Pikey Scum, Pies, Casuals, Bunch of Kuntz, Daggers
Group C – Chairman’s XI, Clotted Cream, Test Team, Fadges, The Pirate
Group D – Piss Poor, TNS, Barry Town, Lokomotiv, Breivik
Bala v Dark Lord Dynamo v Reds Scum v Pies Casuals v Kuntz Chairman v Cream TT v Fadges PP v TNS Barry v Lokomotiv
Not only did he become league treasurer, this season he’s flying at the top of the table, but his previous best is three third place finishes between 2014 and 2016, and he is unaccustomed to entering a transfer window at this altitude.
Will his fledging membership of the mile high club come to a premature end even before the stewardess opens the flaps on her drinks trolley?
Bala Rinas released ballast Saed Kolasinac and Oliver Norwood earlier this week, and Trent Alexander-Arnold ends his loan spell.
The manager needs to sign a midfielder and two defenders, a big ask with just £2.5m in the bank.
Tomas Soucek (87 points), Kurt Zouma (80), Jan Bednarek (78), and Thiago Silva (71) will be top of the Bala Rinas’ shopping list, but the manager could be in for a long evening.
Chiselled from marble and deadlier from close range than a Covid-contaminated queue outside Greggs, Cavani is a world-class striker.
Despite only making seven starts in 20 game weeks, the neo-classical goal threat has already racked up 56 points and is now a regular starter.
Rodrigo, McGoldrick, Welbeck and Benteke are the highest-scoring alternatives from the available forwards. The Uruguayan will come at a premium.
The Test Team (please ignore) manager – the window’s richest club with £34.5m at his disposal – may decide to wildcard Chris Wood to make way.
Since then his stock as a midfielder has fallen almost as low as Adam Johnson’s.
But then he moved south this week and scored two goals in one game.
Could he be a replacement for Mason Greenwood at Test Team (please ignore)? Or Dele Alli at Barry Town? Or Bill Cosby at Walthamstow Reds?
The Dark Lord’s wildcard
No stranger to controversy or a title challenge, the FC Testiculadew manager is set for another window of smoke and mirrors to cut the gap on league leaders Bala Rinas.
Releasing only his loan player Matheus Pereira, foremost in his thoughts will be Ross Barkley or Pascal Gross to fill the gap in midfield.
It’s hard to predict where FCT can improve a team of steady points accumulators, but every Kenna manager knows (and every Kenna administrator dreads) ‘the Tactical Brambler‘ will spend the next 24 hours deep in scheme.
The Pirate’s Bramble
Second from bottom in the league, the Craft Beer Wankers boss is the lowest-ranked manager not to have his team recruited completely by autofill.
Having released Glenn Murray, Felipe Anderson and Muswell Hill murderer Dennis Nilsen, the Pirate has just £1.5m to sign three players.
The question in every manager’s mind is: even knowing he can only spend point five on each player, will the Pirate drink enough of his home brew to Bramble on the likes of Cavani or Zouma? Or even buy a crocked Raul Jiminez?
Like a 100-year-old Second World War veteran admitted to hospital with Coronavirus, you know the writing’s on the wall.
THERE was a knock on the door. The chairman bade enter from his desk.
A slim Colombian sidled in and said: ‘Gavnor, you want see me?’
‘James, good to see you,’ said the chairman expansively, putting an ‘h’ sound on the ‘J’ like he’d heard the intellectuals do making wry observations on the Football Snidely podcast.
The chairman continued: ‘Fantastic performance this week, James. It’s great to have you back from injury, but I didn’t ask to see you.’
The midfielder held up a note torn from a noticeboard. In marker pen it read ‘J Rod, my office now!’
The chairman smiled: ‘That wasn’t meant for you, James. You’re doing just fine. Would you go and tell Jay Rodriguez to come to my office?’
The Colombian nodded and left, clearly relieved. The chairman stood, went to the cocktail cabinet, and mixed his second pink gin of the morning.
He took a sip and mildly rebuked himself for signing two J Rods at the Kenna auction. The £13m for the South American was almost immediately repaid after a couple of matches. The £0.5m for the English striker was another story.
A smart rap at the door snapped him out of his reverie. ‘Enter.’
A man bun walked into the room, and the chairman motioned it to take a seat. The two men were silent for a few moments before the chairman moved over to his desk and stood looking at his striker.
‘Can you give me a good reason to let you go ahead of Tuesday’s transfer deadline?’
Jay Rodriguez stared back unmoved.
‘It’s just, I was all ready to let you go,’ continued the chairman. ‘I only paid point five for you at the end of the auction because someone had already bought Ashley Barnes, and until this week you’ve given me just that in performances: point five.’
He tried a different tack: ‘Jay, I’d like to share with you how happy I am you scored twice and got an assist on the weekend. I would really like to see more of that from you, but you’ve put me…you’ve put your teammates in a very difficult situation.
‘You see, next Friday I want to sign…,’ the chairman spent the next 10 minutes laying out his plans for the Kenna transfer window. The players he coveted. The players he thought had potential. The players he dismissed as ‘John Jensens and Stefan Schwarzes’.
All the while Jay Rodriguez barley moved a muscle, which the chairman guessed was just in case he tweaked something.
‘Now, Jay,’ the monologue was drawing to a close. ‘I’m going to keep you on. I want you to finish the season with us. We’re eighth in the league and if things go well next Friday we’ll be in a position to make a decent fist of it.
‘But I need you to stay fit and keep getting games. If I keep you on I’m going to look stupid in front of the rest of the league, in front of the rest of my league, if your form and fitness drift. Do you hear me?’
The striker stood and left the room without saying a word.
‘Damn that man!’ growled the chairman to the empty room as he made a fresh assault on the Angostura Bitters. ‘Damn him! He knows I haven’t got the money to let him go and sign….’
There was a crash like the sound of a balloon bursting followed by the muffled tinkling of glass.
‘Damn you, J Rod!’
He knelt down to begin picking up shards of glass, and then stopped.
‘Why on earth did the JPF manager sign you three times?’
The attack is thought to have been sparked by the perceived unfair treatment of the quartet of managers who failed to turn up to the September auction, and had their teams completed by autofill once all the best players had been sold.
Mobile phone footage of the insurrectionists shows them shouting slogans ‘free the absentees’ and ‘hell no autofill’.
Once the alcohol had run dry, the rebels got bored and left, telling TV news crews outside they would continue to take revenge at the transfer window two weeks on Friday.
The chairman, who was away from Kenna HQ in self isolation, played down security fears, putting the sedition down to jealousy.
‘Let’s not forget, these managers all failed to attend the auction, so if they end up with the likes of Mesut Ozil and Odion Ighalo they’ve only got themselves to blame.
‘They may have occupied Kenna HQ for a couple of hours, but they’ll be occupying four of the last five places in the table for the rest of the season.
‘Of course, the other place will be occupied by the Craft Beer Wankers manager who did attend the auction, but performed so badly he’s got Glenn Murray and north London serial killer Dennis Nilsen up front.’
THE Kenna League chairman has vowed to crack down on managers who refuse to pay their subs after receiving ‘the lowest form of insult’ in the post.
Holding up a piece of chocolate money and a losing scratch card, the chairman said time is now up for managers failing to pay monies owed to the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league.
‘This really is the lowest form of insult. I’d rather receive death threats than this guff. It’s the final straw,’ said the chairman.
Rumours at Kenna HQ are subs dodgers will receive any prize money payouts relative to how much they’ve paid in, which sounds a pecuniary alarm bell to debtors.
Fat Ladies‘ third place finish in 2019 and Pikey Scum‘s August 2019 Manager of the Month prize, and their fantastic form this season, will see the managers of both clubs most out of pocket unless they contact the treasurer immediately.
The Pirate and JPF manager are even further behind in their payments, but so unlikely to win anything in the Kenna their local health authorities sent them letters to say they’re ‘clinically extremely vulnerable’.
Transfer window details announced
The season’s only transfer window will take place remotely on Friday 5 February, it was announced today.
Managers must release unwanted players by the 12pm deadline on Tuesday 2 February.
The Cowley Casuals manager will have to decide (but probably not for long) on ditching either Ross Barkley or Jack Grealish, who are both Bramble tied.
Eight loan players will also be made available for the window: