1984 John Hurt

Sicherheitsdienst

KENNA managers have stepped up their personal security detail after the league announced it would launch an inquiry into the latest Canesten Combi Cup fiasco.

The review is being made in response to allegations by Young Boys after the side was knocked out of the cup last 16 stage on away goals.

The Young Boys manager believes the cup rules are flawed and disagrees with a last-minute fixture change which saw his team eliminated.

An ‘open and transparent’ inquiry was announced this morning by the chairman, but many Kenna managers fear it will lead to another round of intimidation and oppression by Kenna HQ’s manager experiences department.

With a reputation for brutality, the manager experiences department is thought to be little more than a means for the chairman to impose his total will on dissident members of the league.

Rumours abound of the department’s unscrupulous cruelty. Nocturnal abductions and underground carpark beatings are commonplace.

More recently the department has taken to using former footballers to carry out orders. Managers to express negative sentiment about the league leadership have reported waking up trapped on a spa break with Robbie Savage or with the barrel of Michael Ballack’s Mauser thrust into their mouth.

Some even believe this latest inquiry could lead to a purge of the league committee.

“These are simply rumours spread by enemies of the league. The inquiry will be open and transparent and seek to understand what improvements can be made to the Canesten Combi Cup for next season,” said the chairman, before confirming any cup results to date will be not be overturned.

The Young Boys manager was unavailable for comment. No one at the club has seen him since he got into a black Mercedes outside the ground yesterday.

Full team and individual scores are available at The Rub.

Kenna table – week 29 of 37

Kenna table week 29 - 24 March 2015

Kenna table week 29 – 24 March 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Bala Rinas Lewis 40 3
2 Team Panda Rules OK George 36 3
3 Judean People’s Front Sholto 35 2
4 Dynamo Charlton Alex 34 4
5 St Reatham FC Mike 33 2
6 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 32 1
7 Cowley Casuals Stu 32 0
8 Pikey Scum Jack 29 1
9 Just Put Carles Carles 26 1
10 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 25 2
11 Fat Ladies Ted 25 0
12 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 24 1
13 KS West Green Stix 23 0
14 Young Boys Denney 21 1
15 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 21 1
16 Headless Chickens John N 15 0
17 FC Tescticuladew James N 14 0
18 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 13 0
19 Piedmonte Phil 12 1
20 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 11 0
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Kane, H – TOT – STR
Club Dynamo Charlton
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Tantrum

Young Boys set to throw toys out of pram

KENNA HQ has battoned down the hatches in preparation for an onslaught of complaints from the Young Boys manager after his side were knocked out of the Canesten Combi Cup.

Young Boys could only register a 1-1 draw at home to Just Put Carles last weekend, JPC defender Joel Ward cancelling out George Boyd’s strike.

After a goalless first leg the Catalan manager went through at the expense of Young Boys on the away goals rule.

A long-term critic of the Canesten Combi Cup’s revamped system, where goals scored in a week are counted rather than points, the Young Boys manager is expected to turn the Kenna’s social media feeds blue.

A decision by Kenna HQ to move the last 16 first leg back a week is anticipated to upset the Young Boys manager further. His side would have sauntered through to the quarter finals had the fixture not been rearranged.

Returning from business in south east Asia last night, the chairman said to waiting press at Gatwick Airport: “It looks like it’ll be another case of sour grapes from the Young Boys manager, who is likely to go without a trophy for a fourth consecutive season.”

Probed further about what he was doing in Thailand on league expenses, the chairman could neither confirm nor deny whether it was linked to Young Boys.

Canesten Combi Cup last 16 – second leg results

Pikey Scum 1 (1) – St Reatham 0 (0)

Team Panda Rules OK 1 (2) – Still Don’t Know Yet 0 (1)

Walthamstow Reds 1 (4) – Bala Rinas 2 (2)

Headless Chickens 0 (0) – Cowley Casuals 1 (1)

Lokomotiv Leeds 0 (0) – Dynamo Charlton 0 (0) Dynamo win 29 – 20 on points scored in second week

Young Boys 1 (1) – Just Put Carles 1 (1) JPC win on away goals

FC Testiculadew 2 (4) – Sporting Lesbian 0 (0)

Hairy Fadjeetas 1 (2) – Piedmonte 0 (1)

Canesten Combi Cup quarter final first leg fixtures – Tuesday 7 April

Pikey Scum v Team Panda Rules OK

Walthamstow Reds v Cowley Casuals

Dynamo Charlton v Just Put Carles

FC Testicualdew v Hairy Fadjeetas

Second leg on Tuesday 14 April

Kenna table – week 28 of 37

Kenna table week 28 - 17 March 2015

Kenna table week 28 – 17 March 2015

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Bridget Jones Island

On the eastern edge of the Andaman Sea, a tropical island sustains one of earth’s most fascinating species.

The local population is supplemented each winter by visitors from the northern hemisphere. A small group of these migrants are male and female couples, sometimes accompanied by infant offspring, but they are far outnumbered by their fellow Europeans: the Bridget Jones.

Occasionally roaming the island in pairs or groups of four, the Bridget Jones is more commonly found in threes. 

Whether in public feeding areas or basking in the afternoon sun on a sandy coastline, these trios are instantly recognisable by their sensible tanning practices and somber social interaction.

It is thought their downturned demeanour stems from having reached the twilight of their prime with a catalogue of failed attempts at mating both in their domestic habitat and their travels.

Available male migrants on the island are deemed unsuitable by the Bridget Jones. Older, overweight and observed to be operating alone,  the male appears wholly interested by members of the local populous considered far too young to be socially acceptable in their home environment.

Even deep into happy hour, spirits among the groups of Bridget Jones appear unnaturally low despite the warm climate and their lean physique.

Return flights to Thailand start at £450.

Canesten Combi Cup last 16 – first leg results

St Reatham FC 0 – 0 Pikey Scum

Still Don’t Know Yet 1 – 1Team Panda Rules OK

Bala Rinas 0 – 3 Walthamstow Reds

Cowley Casuals 0 – 0 Headless Chickens

Dynamo Charlton 0 – 0 Lokomotiv Leeds

Just Put Carles 0 – 0 Young Boys

Sporting Lesbian 0 – 2 FC Testiculadew

Piedmonte 1 – 1 Hairy Fadjeetas

Weekly scores and Kenna table

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Anticipation

A hotel room somewhere in the north of England

EXCITEMENT coursed through her body as he closed the door.

She turned in the middle of the room to face him. The skin felt taut against her clothes as the goosebumps swept over her. This was going to be it.

The evening had been a slow, lovely, enchanting build up to this point. He’d taken her to an expensive bar where they sipped champagne and talked about her day and her life. As boring as she thought it was, his interest had made it so exhilerating. At one time he gently touched her hand when telling a joke and her stomach turned a somersault. It took every effort to maintain composure.

Afterwards they went to an Italian restaurant where the chicken had tasted so different to Nandos. As she ate she eyed him coquettishly while he quietly looked back. His eyes were as tender as the chicken and it was soon afterwards, between the main course and the banana split, she had felt her body, felt her soul, give over to him.

Now in the room her senses heightened as he bent forward to kiss her on the lips. A warm, fluttering feeling began to swirl deep inside her. She thought she was going to faint.

Their kissing became longer and more instense. His hands took her by the hips and pushed up the flimsy dress bit by bit. No one had ever touched her like this before. So firm. So gentle. She put her hands around his neck and let his tongue explore her mouth before moving his head back to help the dress over her head. She stood in nothing but black underwear and high heels. The air of the room tingled against her naked flesh. Her eyes were wide with anticipation.

“Take off your bra,” he commanded. It had been the first thing he said since leaving the restaurant. His voice was brusque and edgy, but by now she trusted him completely. She quivered before reaching behind her back and feeling for the clip. His eyes widened as the material came away to reveal her hard, throbbing…..

All of sudden there was a loud knocking at the door. His head snapped around and he tensed. When someone the other side shouted his name over and over again, his shoulders relaxed in recognition.

He motioned to her to hide in the bathroom. Once she closed the door she heard him let the stranger into the room. The newcomer whispered in harsh tones before both their voices raised. There was a short commotion before the bathroom door was flung open to reveal a tall man of fair complexion. She felt so small and cheap. She wanted to cry. The intruder examined her briefly before turning to her date.

“For God’s sake, Adam,” hissed the ginger. “Get her dressed and get her in a taxi home. We’ve got a Canesten Combi Cup fixture this week.”

Canesten Combi Cup last 16 first leg fixtures

St Reatham FC v Pikey Scum

Still Don’t Know Yet v Team Panda Rules OK

Bala Rinas v Walthamstow Reds

Cowley Casuals v Headless Chickens

Dynamo Charlton v Lokomotiv Leeds

Just Put Carles v Young Boys

Sporting Lesbian v FC Testiculadew

Piedmonte v Hairy Fadjeetas

Kenna table – week 26 of 37

Full scores are available at The Rub.

Kenna table week 26 - 3 March 2015

Kenna table week 26 – 3 March 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 39 3
2 Team Panda Rules OK George 34 1
3 FC Tescticuladew James N 28 2
4 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 26 1
5 Judean People’s Front Sholto 22 1
6 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 22 0
7 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 19 0
8 Pikey Scum Jack 19 0
9 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 17 1
10 Piedmonte Phil 16 1
11 Dynamo Charlton Alex 16 0
12 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 16 0
13 KS West Green Stix 15 0
14 St Reatham FC Mike 14 0
15 Cowley Casuals Stu 14 0
16 Young Boys Denney 12 0
17 Fat Ladies Ted 12 0
18 Bala Rinas Lewis 10 0
19 Just Put Carles Carles 10 0
20 Headless Chickens John N 7 0
Points Player
Player of the week 12 Rooney, W – MUN – STR
Club Walthamstow Reds
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Ping pong praise for league integrity

Purple Ping Pong Paddle

MANAGERS have come out in universal admiration of the Kenna chairman’s probity after he admitted to an error that lost him star striker Sergio Aguero, according to the chairman.

Plaudits flowed in club press conferences following news last week the chairman’s side KS West Green would start every game for the rest of the season with disgraced former weatherman Fred Talbot up front.

The Young Boys manager was an unlikely candidate to lead the praise.

“He phoned the day after the announcement to personally congratulate me on my integrity,” said the chairman. “It was nice of him to take time out from his busy table tennis schedule in Bangkok.”

The managers of Still Don’t Know Yet, Hairy Fadjeetas and Walthamstow Reds were also fulsome in their recognition of the chairman’s decision to come clean about the Aguero Bramble, read a league press release.

No managers were available for comment.

In Canesten Combi Cup, the last 16 draw will be broadcast live on Twitter from a pub this Friday lunchtime.

All the latest scores and tables are available from The Rub.

Kenna table – week 25 of 37

Kenna table week 25 - 24 February 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 36 3
2 Judean People’s Front Sholto 34 2
3 Young Boys Denney 31 2
4 Headless Chickens John N 27 1
5 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 27 0
6 Bala Rinas Lewis 26 1
7 Cowley Casuals Stu 26 0
8 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 23 1
9 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 21 1
10 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 21 1
11 Pikey Scum Jack 21 0
12 Dynamo Charlton Alex 20 2
13 FC Tescticuladew James N 20 1
14 Fat Ladies Ted 20 0
15 Just Put Carles Carles 20 0
16 St Reatham FC Mike 18 0
17 Piedmonte Phil 18 0
18 KS West Green Stix 17 1
19 Team Panda Rules OK George 15 1
20 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 3 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Silva, D – MCY – MID
Club Lokomotiv Leeds
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Kun Bramble blunder spells grim forecast

Fred Talbot Weather Map

 

Tumbleweed: The KS West Green manager said in a press conference this morning Talbot had the delicate touch he was looking for up front.

FRED ‘The Weatherman’ Talbot has joined KS West Green for the rest of the season after it turned out the manager forfeit Sergio Aguero in last weekend’s transfer window.

The chairman, who manages Klub Sportowej West Green, lost the South American forward after signing defender John Stones and striker Ayoze Peres for a combined fee of £14m last Saturday. It wasn’t discovered until a few days later the side had overspent his remaining budget by £3.5m.

Colourful jumper and man-made waterway fan Talbot was retrospectively drafted into the side as a striker under the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling.

This is the second time the chairman has waved cheerio to the Argentine talisman. When manager of Vasco De Beauvoir his side were made to start the 2012 campaign with wayward brawler Leeroy Lita in attack after losing Aguero ‘on a Bramble’ late in the auction.

“Nooooooooooooooooo!” said the chairman from behind a bottle of Red Label this morning. “It’s happened again! I started the window with £10.5m in the war chest and bought [John] Stones for what I thought was a couple of million.

“Somehow I then got locked in a bidding war for [Ayoze] Peres and ended up paying £8m. It wasn’t until charts and graphs sent through the updated teams a couple of days later I spotted I’d paid £6m for Stones. Being a model of integrity for the league I owned up straight away.”

Asked about KS West Green’s new acquisition in attack the chairman was remarkably upbeat.

“Fred’s a very personable guy and has already bonded really well with everyone at the club, particularly the youth team, who have all been to see his telescope. Once his CRB check comes through he’s taking them all up the canal.

“With the morale Talbot brings to the camp, even without Kun we’ll be pushing for a top four finish. I cannot see how things can go wrong.”

Vasco De Beauvoir were relegated from the Kenna League in 2012-13.

Full scores are available at The Rub.

Kenna table – week 24 out of 37

Kenna week 24 - 17 February 2015

Kenna week 24 – 17 February 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Cowley Casuals Stu 66 2
2 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 54 4
3 Judean People’s Front Sholto 48 2
4 KS West Green Stix 48 0
5 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 41 2
6 Dynamo Charlton Alex 39 1
7 Pikey Scum Jack 38 2
8 Young Boys Denney 36 1
9 Team Panda Rules OK George 35 4
10 FC Tescticuladew James N 35 2
11 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 33 0
12 Headless Chickens John N 31 1
13 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 30 0
14 Bala Rinas Lewis 28 0
15 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 23 1
16 Piedmonte Phil 21 1
17 St Reatham FC Mike 21 0
18 Fat Ladies Ted 18 2
19 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 16 1
20 Just Put Carles Carles 10 0
Points Player
Player of the week 24 Ideye, B – WBA – STR
Club Unsigned
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Kings Stores, Spitalfields (photo: Ewan Munro)

Kings Stores, Spitalfields

CASTING around for a pub for Saturday’s Kenna transfer window, league blazers found a previous auction venue had rebranded.

It was worthy of note only because The Golden Fleece in the City of London, which now belongs to the Metropolitan Pub Company, hosted the August 2012 auction scene of the infamous ‘Bramble Hour’. More of that later.

The Metropolitan Pub Company also runs the Kings Stores, a back street boozer in Spitalfields where managers congregated for Saturday’s second and final window of the Kenna League season.

The pub proved to be an excellent venue, but it wasn’t the interesting range of beers or smart decor that most remarkable. The table service available to the 10 managers gathered was superb.

The man on duty Tumi was attentive and friendly, always on hand to take a drinks order and keeping up with everyone’s individual tabs, all while rendering the same care to other patrons.

Service of this sort was thought to have died with the Victorian era, but the gaggles of passing Jack The Ripper tourists could well have marvelled that like beery conversations between Londoners in narrow thoroughfares outside buzzing pubs, this heritage survives into the 21st Century.

A Kenna tradition in no danger of being scotched is the transfer window turning into a farce after a couple of hours. The steady flow of craft lager did not disappoint.

Just as the summer 2012 auction saw 60 treacherous minutes of managers falling over the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling after a few drinks, Saturday saw two relegation-embroiled sides suffer from all sorts of recklessness.

Going into the window to make a record 10 changes to his side, the Fat Ladies manager even contrived to lose his one remaining player – and only decent one at that – Daniel Sturridge.

After watching the north London derby followed by three hours of transfer activity, the exact events are hazy. Nevertheless, a clear memory remains of the Fat Ladies labouring under the assumption Jonathan Walters was a midfielder, buying one striker too many and ending with a forfeit player.

So called ‘Bramble players’ are chosen as much for their current affairs status as for their inability to add any value to a club. For this window the outgoing members of Rotherham Council and convicted deviant Paul Gadd were being doled out to errant managers.

At the foot of the table, the Hoxton Pirates manager’s last chance of salvation was beached when he ended the night with two northern councillors and the former rock star numbered among his ranks.

Like the quality of the pub itself, the Pirates manager’s protest and the debate to follow therein will live long in the memory of all managers present. Gary Glitter: midfielder or defender?

All new signings will begin scoring from tonight. For a full roundup of the weekend’s scores download The Rub.

Kenna table – week 23 of 37

Kenna week 23 - 10 February 2014

Kenna week 23 – 10 February 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 35 1
2 Cowley Casuals Stu 35 1
3 St Reatham FC Mike 34 1
4 Pikey Scum Jack 31 2
5 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 29 1
6 FC Tescticuladew James N 27 1
7 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 26 1
8 Judean People’s Front Sholto 23 0
9 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 22 1
10 Team Panda Rules OK George 21 0
11 Dynamo Charlton Alex 20 1
12 Piedmonte Phil 20 0
13 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 19 0
14 Bala Rinas Lewis 17 0
15 Fat Ladies Ted 17 0
16 KS West Green Stix 15 1
17 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 14 0
18 Just Put Carles Carles 13 0
19 Headless Chickens John N 12 0
20 Young Boys Denney 7 0
Points Player
Player of the week 13 Blind, D – MUN – DEF
Club FC Tescticuladew
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Fat Ladies manager resigns

Surgery Workshop 2012

They struggled to keep their composure when it turned out the patient had a back four of Philippe Senderos, Wes Brown, Christian Gamboa and Chico Flores (photo: Monash University)

THE Fat Ladies manager has quit his job blaming imminent surgery for his decision.

The Leamington Spa-born manager said he needed to get a pimple removed from his backside and that was why he had made the decision to leave the club, who are second bottom of the Kenna League.

“I need immediate surgery,” said the Fat Ladies manager. “I need my players to give their asses on the pitch. If I can’t give mine 100 per cent on the training field it’s better for someone else to take over.”

The manager’s rear end has taken one hell of a beating in this season’s Kenna, his team scoring just three goals in 22 weeks of the competition. Table toppers Sporting Lesbian have found the net 32 times in the same period.

Fat Ladies won the Kenna League in 2008, but after time away from football since being relegated in 2010 the manager has found it difficult adjusting to life back in the competition this campaign.

The club said in a statement today they needed a safe pair of hands to oversee the managerial transition. Some bloke who once got drunk and trashed the Blue Peter garden will take temporary charge.

There were reports the Fat Ladies manager was one game from the sack before his side scored a third goal of the campaign this week thanks to £35m Daniel Sturridge’s return from injury.

The club’s other goals came in week two, again from Sturridge, and from a Kevin Nolan strike nearly two months ago.

The Fat Ladies manager said the timing of his decision may look suspicious but added: “I know what people think – that I’ve been sacked, or stormed off because we couldn’t get the players in – but I can’t control what people think. There’s a pimple on my bum that needs medical care.”

The timing could not be worse for the club going into Saturday’s Kenna transfer window, the second and final chance for managers to freshen up their sides.

One player everyone will hope to avoid signing on the weekend is the league’s bête noire Titus Bramble. The out-of-work defender is awarded as a forfeit to anyone breaking auction rules.

When a photo emerged last night of Bramble apparently signing for Barcelona, the chairman was quick to spot the ruse.

Full scores and tables can be downloaded from The Rub.

Kenna table – week 22 of 37

Kenna table week 22 - 3 February 2014

Kenna table week 22 of 37 – 3 February 2014

Weekly scores

Manager

Points

Goals

1

Walthamstow Reds Dudley   36   1

2

Piedmonte Phil   36   1

3

Headless Chickens John N   32   2

4

FC Tescticuladew James N   29   0

5

Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S   28   1

6

Judean People’s Front Sholto   27   0

7

Cowley Casuals Stu   26   1

8

Dynamo Charlton Alex   24   2

9

Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden   22   1

10

Sporting Lesbian Ben M   22   1

11

Still Don’t Know Yet Pete   21   1

12

Bala Rinas Lewis   18   1

13

Team Panda Rules OK George   17   1

14

Fat Ladies Ted   16   1

15

St Reatham FC Mike   16   0

16

KS West Green Stix   15   0

17

Pikey Scum Jack   11   0

18

Young Boys Denney   8   0

19

Just Put Carles Carles   8   0

20

Hoxton Pirates Abdi   8   0

Points

Player
Player of the week

16

Walters, J – STO – STR

Club

Unsigned
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Five burning questions for Kenna managers ahead of transfer deadline day

Curtain

Storm through the window: FC Testiculadew scouts are on the lookout for talent ahead of the transfer window.

IF all the Kenna managers lived on a surburban mews, this would be the most vigorous week of curtain twitching.

The season’s second and final transfer window takes place next Saturday and managers will be keen to size up which footballers they can sign to most improve their teams. The events of the afternoon will decide who lifts the league title in May.

Managers have until next Thursday to send their players to be released to Kenna HQ – by post if they want to claim the £10m war chest supplement.

Here are five most pertinent questions dogging every Kenna manager this week.

1. Can Lesbians resist a little fiddle?

The Sporting Lesbians manager is having a dream season. Alexis Sanchez and Graziano Pelle up front in their first season in England playing like they’re to the Kenna born, a back five of De Gea, Coleman, Demichelis, Luis and Tomkins all putting in a shift from week one and a modestly creative midfield where even Egyptian flake Ahmed Elmohamady has become a regular starter.

At 77 points ahead of the pack Lesbians can surely cruise towards their second league title. But with a couple of pints in him come next Saturday, will the manager stand idly by only to regret his inaction come May? Or will the finger slide tantilisingly towards the button of release? Just a quick play, temptation will say, it’s so naughty but it feels so good…and then ‘pow!’ You’ve just bought Morgan Amalfitano, stuck a Bramble a sensitive area and blood’s running down your leg.

2. Does the Lokomotiv manager sell Bony or Silva?

Hovering just outside a top four finish, the Lokomotiv Leeds manager has the opportunity to turn this window into a springboard to riches but he faces the Bramble-tied quandary of the season. Does he stay with the squat Spanish Merlin David Silva or gamble on the power of Wilfred Bony. The Cote D’Ivoire striker will need time to recover from his country’s customary choke in the African Cup of Nations, but upon his return think of all the goals he could score.

3. Can the Cowley Casuals manager pull it off again?

If transfer windows were competitions taken isolation, the Cowley Casuals manager could be considered to have won in October. While Sporting Lesbians flicked a quick tinker in midfield, Cowley Casuals rummaged around to make four signings who have all contributed to the side’s occupation of second in the table. Casuals still have a fair amount of catching up to do, so the manager is left with a choice of hoping his eleven make it over the finish line or having a clear out.

4. Who’s got the most money left?

No one will be able to match the Dynamo Charlton manager’s desperate attempt to buy his way out of the relegation zone. Replacing Rickie Lambert with Harry Kane should be top of his list of priorities, or at least equal with busting some onions over attitude in the general area of Bafetimbi Gomis.

At fourth and fifth place in the league respectively, St Reatham FC and Hairy Fadjeetas have the most control over their destinies with each having over £20m in the war chest. Both managers will be in the Alps next weekend. How much will that impact on their tactics?

Moneybags

Averagebags

Grotbags

Dynamo Charlton – £45.5m
Piedmonte – £26.5m
Hairy Fadjeetas – £25m
St Reatham FC – £20.5m
Fat Ladies – £20.5m
Team Panda Rules OK – £19.5M
Bala Rinas – £16m
Just Put Carles – £15m
Headless Chickens – £14.5m
Cowley Casuals – £13.5m
Young Boys – £12m
Still Don’t Know Yet – £10.5m
Pikey Scum – £10m
Lokomotiv Leeds – £9.5m
Judean Peoples’ Front – £8m
Hoxton Pirates – £7m
Walthamstow Reds – £3.5m
Sporting Lesbian – £3.5m
FC Testiculadew – £2.5m
KS West Green – £0.5m

5. Who are the biggest targets?

Strikers
Up front Harry Kane has managers crowding around the shop window. With Senegal out of the ACN, Mame Diouf may turn heads. Andreas Wiemann could be a solid replacement for injury. Ashley Barnes and Eduardo Vargas are wildcard options.

Midfielders
Managers will be hoping Leroy ‘The Bouncer’ Fer continues to assault the opposition penalty area rather than their creative midfielders. He’s the top scoring available midfielder. Morgan Amalfitano is rapidly turning into the next Chris Brunt in Kenna terms – temperamental form merchants. James Ward-Prowse is having a promising run.

Defenders
Astounding as it seems, Toby Alderweireld is still out there. He’s the second-highest scoring defender behind household shrug Aaron Cresswell. Aly Cissokho is third. KS West Green reject Mamadou Sakho is back in favour.

Goalkeepers
Three available goalkeepers are scoring well, which means there must be three Kenna managers looking to improve in that position. They’ll have to fight so dirty over Adrian, Lukas Fabianski and Rob Green that seedy men in mackintoshes are being charged to peep through the keyhole at that scene.

Full scores, tables and disciplinary records available at The Rub.

Kenna table – week 21 of 37

Kennna table week 21 - 27 January 2014

Kennna table week 21 – 27 January 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Judean People’s Front Sholto 29 1
2 Young Boys Denney 27 2
3 Cowley Casuals Stu 25 1
4 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 24 1
5 Bala Rinas Lewis 22 3
6 FC Tescticuladew James N 22 0
7 Just Put Carles Carles 20 1
8 Team Panda Rules OK George 19 0
9 KS West Green Stix 17 0
10 Headless Chickens John N 16 1
11 Piedmonte Phil 16 1
12 Dynamo Charlton Alex 12 1
13 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 12 0
14 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 11 1
15 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 9 0
16 Pikey Scum Jack 8 0
17 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 8 0
18 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 6 0
19 Fat Ladies Ted 6 0
20 St Reatham FC Mike 5 0
Points Player
Player of the week 12 Anichebe, V – WBA – STR
Club Unsigned
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Go For Broke Cup announced

Lego Arabs

Taking the George Michael: The Go For Broke Cup will neither objectify nor stereotype wealthy Arabian businessmen (photo: akunthita)

A NEW competition to find the worst knockout tournament team in fantasy football was unveiled today.

The Go For Broke Cup takes the only four teams in the Kenna not to qualify from the group/pool stage of the Canesten Combi Cup and pit them against each other to find out which manager really is the most hapless.

Unlike the slightly racist TV advert for a board game of the same name, the Go For Broke Cup will not see managers dress as Arabian oil sheikhs, get irritated by a casino win or welcome a stock price collapse.

Instead the four sides will play a further group/pool after which the bottom two will enter a playoff. The loser will win.

The Kenna chairman, whose team KS West Green are one of the four clubs to be involved, was quick to dismiss rumours the competition would overrun an already inefficient administration.

“The Go For Broke Cup is yet another way for us to determine the worst managers out there,” he said, with a nod towards the bosses of Hoxton Pirates and Fat Ladies who are both rooted to the foot of the Kenna League.

Elsewhere, the Sporting Lesbian manager made a case for a Kenna League and Canesten Combi Cup double this season by both topping group/pool A and extending his lead at the top of the table.

The Lesbian strike partnership of Alexis Sanchez and Graziano Pelle are the only pair in the league to both break 100 points. Their combined total of 236 points is over a century more than their nearest rivals.

Despite their zero-hours contracts policy, Cowley Casuals took advantage of another poor week in the steady decline of Bala Rinas to take second place, but still lay 76 points off the leaders.

Managers will be looking ahead to the season’s second transfer on Saturday 6 February, just over two weeks away.

Canesten Combi Cup – week five results

20-Jan-15 Sporting Lesbian 0 0 Young Boys
20-Jan-15 Headless Chickens 2 1 Dynamo Charlton
20-Jan-15 Bala Rinas 1 1 KS West Green
20-Jan-15 Piedmonte 1 1 Just Put Carles
20-Jan-15 Cowley Casuals 1 3 Pikey Scum
20-Jan-15 Walthamstow Reds 0 0 Hoxton Pirates
20-Jan-15 St Reatham FC 1 1 Lokomotiv Leeds
20-Jan-15 Hairy Fadjeetas 0 0 Fat Ladies

Canesten Combi Cup – final group/pool standings

Group A
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Sporting Lesbian 4 4 2 2 8
2 Headless Chickens 4 6 5 1 7
3 Young Boys 4 5 2 3 6
4 Dynamo Charlton 4 3 6 -3 4
5 Judean People’s Front 4 4 7 -3 1
Group B
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Bala Rinas 4 5 -2 3 8
2 Team Panda Rules OK 4 5 -4 1 7
3 Piedmonte 4 7 -4 3 5
4 Just Put Carles 4 2 -3 -1 3
5 KS West Green 4 3 -9 -6 2
Group C
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Pikey Scum 4 9 -3 6 12
2 Walthamstow Reds 4 6 -4 2 7
3 Cowley Casuals 4 9 -9 0 4
4 Still Don’t Know Yet 4 9 -13 -4 3
5 Hoxton Pirates 4 0 -4 -4 2
Group D
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Lokomotiv Leeds 4 12 -4 8 10
2 St Reatham FC 4 4 -11 -7 7
3 FC Tescticuladew 4 12 -5 7 6
4 Hairy Fadjeetas 4 7 -8 -1 4
5 Fat Ladies 4 0 -7 -7 1

Kenna table – week 20 of 37

Kenna table week 20 - 20 January 2014

Kenna table week 20 – 20 January 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Cowley Casuals Stu 54 1
2 St Reatham FC Mike 51 1
3 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 51 0
4 Pikey Scum Jack 47 3
5 Judean People’s Front Sholto 44 2
6 Team Panda Rules OK George 41 3
7 Piedmonte Phil 37 1
8 FC Tescticuladew James N 36 2
9 Just Put Carles Carles 32 1
10 Young Boys Denney 30 0
11 KS West Green Stix 29 1
12 Bala Rinas Lewis 27 1
13 Headless Chickens John N 22 2
14 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 20 1
15 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 20 1
16 Dynamo Charlton Alex 19 1
17 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 19 0
18 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 18 0
19 Fat Ladies Ted 16 0
20 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 14 0
Points Player
Player of the week 20 Valencia, E – WHM – STR
Club Piedmonte
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