Dynamo Charlton 2015/16

Alex
Smug: The Dynamo Charlton manager

Manager: Alex (Surrey)

Twitter name@alexbass75

Since: 2011

Home ground: The Dynamic Valley

Training facility: Stone Lake

Trophy cabinet: Olisadebe Euro 2012 winner

Kenna Index rating: 0.627 – 19th
2011/12 – 6th
2012/13 – 6th
2013/14 – 12th
2014/15 – 15th

Sympathies: Charlton Athletic

Darts musicThe Gladiators TV theme

Season preview in one sentence (on 30 August): Strong start to the league season from the cup specialist, who yet again prepares for the October transfer window with the largest war chest.

Krul, T NEW £5m
Fonte, J SOT £7m
Kolarov, A MCY £0.5m
Bellerin, H ARS £5m
Muniesa, M STO £0.5m
Shelvey, J SWA £0.5m
Ritchie, M BOU £1m
Zaha, W CRY £2m
Albrighton, M LEI £0.5m
Benteke, C LIV £37m
Defoe, J SUN £0.5m
£59.5m
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Thieving Magpies 2015/16

Phil profile pic
England till he dies: Thieving Magpies manager

Manager: Phil (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name@PhillyD55

Since: 2005 (co founder)

Home ground: Tinfoil Street

Training facility: The Wheelbarrow

Trophy cabinet: empty

Kenna Index rating: 0.519 – 11th
2005/06 – 3rd
2006/07 – 2nd
2007/08 – 11th
2008/09 – 5th
2009/10 – 11th
2010/11 – 7th
2011/12 – 18th (relegated)
2012/13 – 4th
2013/14 – 2nd
2014/15 – 14th

Sympathies: Notts County

Darts musicThe Great Escape – the England Band

Season preview in one sentence (on 29 August): Is this enough to finally break his duck?

Hart, J MCY £ 10m
Baines, L EVE £ 11m
Johnson, G STO £ 7m
Clyne, N LIV £ 12m
Amavi, J AVL £ 6m
Bolasie, Y CRY £ 8m
Ox-Chamberlain, A ARS £ 10m
Fellaini, M MUN £ 0.5m
Eriksen, C TOT £ 17m
Falcao, R CHE £ 5m
Wilson, C BOU £ 2m
£ 88.5m
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Cowley Casuals 2015/16

Stu manager pic
Buckets of potential: The Cowley Casuals manager

Manager: Stu (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name@sfinch100

Since: 2012

Home ground: Ground Zero Hours

Training facility: The Agency

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winners 2014/15

Kenna Index rating: N/A (managers must compete for three seasons to get a rating)
2013/14 – 17th
2014/15 – 2nd

Sympathies: Wolves

Darts music: Menergy – Patrick Cowley

Season preview in one sentence (on 27 August): Last year’s league runner up and cup winner looks to have auctioned well, with four wing backs, a strong midfield and an in-touch Cech, but despite a strike-force from the region formerly known as the ‘Dark Continent’, the side looks light up top.

Cech, P ARS £ 0.5m
Shaw, L MUN £ 11m
Jenkinson, C WHM £ 4m
Davies, B TOT £ 0.5m
Mings, T BOU £ 0.5m
Henderson, J LIV £ 17m
Deulofeu, G EVE £ 6m
Mane, S SOT £ 17m
Redmond, N NOR £ 0.5m
Bony, W MCY £ 9m
Gestede, R AVL £ 0.5m
£ 66.5m
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Young Boys of Vauxhall 2015/16

Denney
Quenelle: The Young Boys manager
Manager: Denney (Wales)

Twitter name@andenney

Since: 2007

Home ground: Yewtree Lane

Training facility: Fiddler’s Harris

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2010/11, Canesten Combi Cup winners 2008/09

Kenna Index rating: 0.3 – 4th
2007/08 – 5th
2008/09 – 3rd
2009/10 – 2nd
2010/11 – 1st
2011/12 – 4th
2013/14 – 16th
2014/15 – 6th

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts music: We Don’t Talk Anymore – Sir Cliff Richard

Season preview in one sentence (on 26 August): Pedro, Mahrez, Lukaku and Lens have all started the season in fine fettle, but question marks hang over John Terry and Diafra Sakho for all the wrong reasons.

Stekelenburg, M SOT  £                4m
Terry, J CHE  £             13m
Monreal, N ARS  £                0.5m
Zabaleta, P MCY  £                6m
Smalling, C MUN  £                6m
Grealish, J AVL  £                3m
Pedro CHE  £             16m
Mahrez, R LEI  £                5m
Lens, J SUN  £                0.5m
Lukaku, R EVE  £             30m
Sakho, D WHM  £             15m
     £             99m
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No way, Pedro!

GLOATING was inevitable.

Having signed Pedro while rumours of his move to England hovered over the auction, the Young Boys manager was thrilled to see the Spanish forward pick up a goal and assist in his first game.

“And Pedro scores…” he tweeted above the din of the chairman cursing his decision to sign Wesley Sneijder a few years ago when everyone had said it was a done deal.

It’s the first time since the Sneijder incident a Kenna manager has seen such instant success buying a player hors d’oeuvre. But second place in the Kenna after three weeks masks concerns at Young Boys.

Many believed that with Pedro on the pitch, defender John Terry got himself sent off in deference to the Titus Bramble ruling. It turns out the former England captain had other motives.

A few minutes after seeing red, Terry appeared in the Young Boys wags section of the stand and asked Pedro’s wife if he could park ‘ [my] open-top bus up [your] King’s Road’.

Eager to extinguish murmurs this was some sort of club initiation for players’ wives, the Young Boys manager held an informal inquiry into the matter, calling forward those connected with the club to give evidence.

The plan backfired when striker Diafra Sakho was found to be intimidating witnesses.

Kenna table – week three

Kenna table - week 3 - 25 August 2015
Kenna table – week 3 – 25 August 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Dynamo Charlton Alex 52 2
2 Young Boys Andrew D 50 2
3 Thieving Magpies Phil 36 3
4 Team Panda George 32 1
5 Newington Reds Ben D 28 1
6 Carles Carles 28 0
7 Headless Chickens John N 26 1
8 KS West Green Stix 25 1
9 Judean People’s Front Sholto 25 1
10 Cowley Casuals Stu 25 0
11 Northern Monkeys Hugo 23 0
12 Bala Rinas Lewis 20 0
13 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 20 0
14 Uncertain Pete B 16 0
15 Pikey Scum Jack 14 1
16 FC Tescticuladew James N 14 0
17 ISIL Abdi 10 0
18 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 8 0
19 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 8 0
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Wilson, C – BOU – STR
Club Thieving Magpies
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The treasurer gets debriefed

HAVING missed the Kenna League auction the Saturday before, the treasurer was keen to get up to speed on matters. It would be a busy day.

To begin he kept an appointment with his auction second. The treasurer had left detailed instructions with his trusted associate on who to sign and who to avoid. In particular, the treasurer had told his second to ensure only players likely to make plenty of appearances were bought.

They met for coffee.

It is was a painful latte. But leaving the coffee shop and walking in the summer air the treasurer began to feel more optimistic about his side, Bala Rinas. Andre Ayew, Graziano Pelle and Dimitri Payet had all made good starts to the campaign. Perhaps things weren’t so bad after all.

Entering the lobby of Kenna HQ, the treasurer even felt genuine enthusiasm about his chances. Passing the door of the speculations department he saw the chalkstripes inside busy working out the odds on the season’s outcomes. In between lines of hurry up.

He decided to pop in and test his confidence in Bala Rinas. He approached the head chalkstripe.

His biggest rival! Despite consistently acting the buffoon, the Anders Breivik lookalike and manager of Judean Peoples’ Front had auctioned enviously well.

It was only the second week of the campaign, but it was difficult not to get despondent.

The treasurer composed himself. His next meeting was with the chairman. A financial review of the auction. Bean counting, his true speciality. In his control. Fully. An excellent way to take his mind off things.

When he entered the Kenna executive suite, the chairman was in superb spirits. Literally. The executive cocktail cabinet was heavily disturbed.

The treasurer launched into review.

Kenna table – week 2

Kenna table - week 2 - 18 August 2015
Kenna table – week 2 – 18 August 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Young Boys Andrew D 36 3
2 Dynamo Charlton Alex 35 1
3 Thieving Magpies Phil 34 0
4 Cowley Casuals Stu 32 1
5 Team Panda George 31 1
6 Bala Rinas Lewis 30 3
7 Judean People’s Front Sholto 29 1
8 KS West Green Stix 28 2
9 Headless Chickens John N 27 1
10 FC Tescticuladew James N 26 0
11 Newington Reds Ben D 25 0
12 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 23 1
13 Uncertain Pete B 23 0
14 Carles Carles 23 0
15 Northern Monkeys Hugo 19 0
16 ISIL Abdi 18 0
17 Pikey Scum Jack 16 1
18 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 13 0
19 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 12 1
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Lukaku, R – EVE – STR
Club Young Boys

 

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Judean Peoples’ Front 2015/16

Sholto profile pic
Cold-blooded killer: The Judean Peoples’ Front manager

Manager: Sholto (Wales)

Twitter name: @sholtoGH

Since: 2008

Home ground: Wetsuit Way

Training facility: The Island

Trophy cabinet: empty

Kenna Index rating: 0.411 – 6th
2007/08 – 11th
2009/10 – 6th
2011/12 – 9th
2012/13 – 3rd
2013/14 – 4th
2014/15 – 5th

Sympathies: Manchester United

Darts music: Dr Dre – Bang Bang

Season preview in one sentence: Despite the bluster, the Anders Breivik lookalike has assembled a side capable of another podium finish, unless he gets caught short at another transfer window.

Speroni, J CRY £ 0.50
Azpilicueta, C CHE £ 16.00
Skrtel, M LIV £ 9.00
Shawcross, R STO £ 1.00
Alderweireld, T TOT £ 3.00
Barkley, R EVE £ 10.00
Toure, Y MCY £ 20.00
Cazorla, S ARS £ 24.00
Herrera, A MUN £ 0.50
Cisse, P NEW £ 0.50
Rodriguez, J SOT £ 6.00
£ 90.50
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The Hoop and Grapes, Farringdon

A KENNA manager embezzled money from classic car sales to bankroll his team, it has emerged.

Five players from the Judean Peoples’ Front team were bought using £11m made from flogging a well-known, carrot top’s collection of Ferraris and Jaguars.

“It’s poppycock to suggest I’ve used the credit from classic car sales to buy Jay Rodriguez (£6m), Papiss Cisse (£0.5m), Ander Herrera (£0.5m), Tony Alderweireld (£3m) and Ryan Shawcross (£1m),” said the Judean Peoples’ Front manager, picking a ginger pube from between his teeth.

The controversy is the only blemish on an otherwise superb fantasy football auction held at the Hoop and Grapes in Farringdon on Saturday.

For nearly six hours, 16 managers battled it out. The auction was augmented by silent bids from a further three absent managers.

The Titus Bramble forfeit ruling was enforced just twice in the afternoon. The absence of the Somali manager of ISIL was largely agreed as the reason why Titus made such few appearances.

Full week one scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table

Kenna week 1 - 11 August 2015
Kenna week 1 – 11 August 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Judean People’s Front Sholto 43 4
2 Dynamo Charlton Alex 42 3
3 FC Tescticuladew James N 37 2
4 Team Panda George 36 0
5 Cowley Casuals Stu 34 2
6 KS West Green Stix 33 2
7 Bala Rinas Lewis 32 2
8 Young Boys Andrew D 32 2
9 Thieving Magpies Phil 31 0
10 Newington Reds Ben D 27 1
11 Uncertain Pete B 26 0
12 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 24 1
13 Northern Monkeys Hugo 24 1
14 Headless Chickens John N 22 1
15 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 21 0
16 Pikey Scum Jack 17 0
17 ISIL Abdi 17 0
18 Carles Carles 14 0
19 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 11 0
Points Player
Player of the week 13 Albrighton, M – LEI – MID
Club Dynamo Charlton
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Bala Rinas 2015/16

Lewis
Day release: The Bala Rinas manager

Manager: Lewis (Wales)

Twitter name@jsl105

Since: 2007 (committee member – league treasurer)

Home ground: Bala Park

Training facility: Tutu Lake

Trophy cabinet: empty

Kenna Index rating: 0.47 – 7th
2007/08 – 12th (relegated)
2011/12 – 8th
2012/13 – 13th
2013/14 – 3rd
2014/15 – 3rd

Sympathies: Wrexham

Darts musicC.R.E.A.M. – Wu Tang Clan

Season preview in one sentence: Unable to attend the treasurer sent a second, who despite instructions otherwise took great pleasure in signing David de Gea.

de Gea, D MUN  £                0.50
Dier, E TOT  £                0.50
Pieters, E STO  £                1.00
Mangala, E MCY  £                6.00
Lescott, J WBA  £             12.00
Ramsey, A ARS  £             18.00
Payet, D WHM  £             10.00
McCarthy, J EVE  £                2.00
Ayew, A SWA  £             10.00
Pelle, G SOT  £             15.00
Sturridge, D LIV  £             20.00
     £             95.00
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The Kenna Index

SILVERWARE has always been the preferred method of measuring glory in football.

Fantasy football is no different. Cups, trophies, titles, vases and manager of the month awards are the traditional currency of success, but in leagues where managers come and go is the amount of butler’s elbow grease required the best yardstick of achievement?

Managers who have kicked around a league for years may have won spoils early in their career when the league was more intimate before fading in the face of newer, more dynamic competition and greater numbers of challengers.

As entrants gather for tomorrow’s 11th annual Kenna League auction in a pub on Farringdon Road, they may well wonder if there’s a scientific mechanism for deciding who is most likely to finish where come May.

Luckily, there now is! The Kenna Index.

By turning each manager’s final league position into a fraction, adding those fractions together and dividing the total by the number of campaigns in which they’ve competed, Kenna HQ can accurately predict a manager’s most likely finishing place.

It’s not surprise to see the Tactical Brambler (James N) topping the stats. He’s won the league twice, and ended 10th and 7th in another two seasons.

Two titles in three years puts the Sporting Lesbian manager (Ben M) close second. In a league of 20, both managers would be expected – on form – to finish in the top two spots.

The Lokomotiv Leeds boss (Ben S) is the highest ranked manager to have not won any silverware. The Walthamstow Reds boss (Dudley) is the most consistent of everyone to compete in all 10 seasons, and the best Wulfrunian.

The Young Boys manager (Denney) is the highest ranked Welshman. The Just Put Carles manager (Carles) the highest Catalan.

At the other end, the former Still Don’t Know Yet manager (Pete) is the least successful of those competing tomorrow. In three campaigns he’s never finished higher than 14th and in May the club was finally put out of its misery and relegated.

Most importantly, the Kenna Index provides evidence of the most mid-table manager. Dynamo Temple may not have competed in the league for five years, but in those first six seasons the manager (Yellboy) has put down a marker of mediocrity that will be hard to beat for some time.

The Kenna Index

Kenna Index

James N (4)

0.137

Ben M (3)

0.149

Ben S (3)

0.294

Denney (7)

0.3

Dudley (10)

0.4

Sholto (6)

0.411

Lewis (5)

0.47

Stix (10)

0.48

Higgin (4)

0.487

Yellboy (6)

0.501

Phil (10)

0.519

Jack (9)

0.564

Aiden (4)

0.576

Will Y (3)

0.583

Helen (4)

0.583

Carles (5)

0.604

Ted (6)

0.614

Seares (4)

0.616

Alex (4)

0.627

John N (4)

0.641

Mike (3)

0.643

Abdi (5)

0.68

El Pons (5)

0.755

Pete (3)

0.78

Clare (3)

0.784

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