Kenna pays tribute to Duke of Inappropriate Content

THE world’s leading fantasy football league has joined those paying respects to Prince Philip, hailing him as ‘The Duke of Inappropriate Content’.

Like Graeme Hick’s Sydney test innings in 1995, the senior royal sadly passed away just short of a ton.

‘As a Worcestershireman I still can’t believe Atherton declared after Hick kept the match alive for so long,’ said the Kenna chairman at a press conference to five journalists in a beer garden at opening time on Monday.

‘We’d bowled them out 116 in their own backyard and taken commanding position in the test. Hick was just doing his job. It would have been his maiden Ashes century.

‘Why haven’t you bought Jaegerbomb chasers with that round?’

The Kenna will pay its respects to Prince Philip by firing 41 rounds into any manager caught tactical Brambling at the next auction.

Covid Cup – quarter final first leg

Bala Rinas 26 – 12 Thieving Magpies
Cowley Casuals 22 – 24 The Dark Lord
Fadges 19 – 4 Lokomotiv Leeds
TNS 23 – 22 Craft Beer Wankers

Kenna League week 28

Kenna League week 28 - 13 April 2021
Kenna League week 28 – 13 April 2021
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Cock block

THE Suez Canal was blocked for several days by a draft Kenna update about rumours of James Rodriguez’s gender reassignment.

So inappropriate it could be seen from space, the post attempted to make ironic observations about society’s attitudes to diversity, but only led to huge delays in maritime shipping.

‘It was obvious there was nothing in the Rodriguez rumours and they were ripe for the kind of biting satire for which the Kenna has come to be known,’ began the chairman brightly.

‘We started a list of potential headlines, but at some point we wrote down ‘J Rod-less’ and we began to suspect our insightful metaphor could be taken out of context.

‘We’re football administrators but we’re not completely out-of-touch blazers. We know a fantasy league won twice in the past by a side called Sporting Lesbian is not in the best place to make wry comment on gender and sexual orientation,’ he said, as two men with an excavator made a futile attempt to dig the chairman out of the hole he’d created.

Pressure from international shipping concerns eventually led to the Kenna abandoning the draft post.

Maritime routes reopened and the Craft Beer Wankers manager returned from his snap visit to the Red Sea.

Kenna HQ is now left with nothing to include in the latest league and cup updates.

‘There’s not much happening at in the world at the moment,’ said the chairman.

‘After all it’s not like the Pikey Scum manager’s brother in law has been arrested for grand theft auto and possession, or Frank Lampard’s sex tape has been published online.’

Covid Cup – group stage results

Covid Cup - 19 March 2021
Covid Cup – 19 March 2021

Kenna League week 27

Kenna week 27 – 6 April 2021

Kenna League week 26

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 26 - 23 March 2021
Kenna week 26 – 23 March 2021

Kenna League week 25

Kenna League week 25 - 19 March 2021
Kenna League week 25 – 19 March 2021
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Remains found in search for missing Kenna title defence

DYNAMO Charlton have given up hope of winning a second consecutive Kenna League title after police found remains in a Kent woodland.

Police chief Desdemona Johnson said it will take time for formal identification and added this was “every Kenna manager’s worst nightmare.”

The Dynamo manager reported his championship defence as missing last week, but many claim it was gone the moment he signed Sebastian Haller at the pre-season auction in September last year.

Dynamo dropped to 10th place in the league this week, but there is a glimmer of silverware as they sit second in the Covid Cup group A with a game to play.

However, their final group-stage tie is against Bala Rinas who presently sit 200 points above Dynamo at the top of the Kenna League table.

A man with a ginger beard has been arrested.

Covid Cup

Top two teams qualify

Covid Cup - 9 March 2021
Covid Cup – 9 March 2021

Kenna League week 24

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 24 – 9 March 2021
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Sean Dyche’s Kenna lookalikes

KENNA League managers have all been assigned lookalikes after a gang turned up at Kenna HQ and assaulted the chairman with soggy marine life.

The incident happened following a press conference in which Sean Dyche – although it could have been Mick Hucknall – said any footballing body who does not fully embrace lookalikes should be ‘slapped with a wet fish’.

The Kenna chairman admitted while there were already pockets of managers identified as lookalikes, adopting this as policy across the league was long overdue.

‘We’ve long recognised the Judean Peoples’ Front manager as our very own Anders Breivik, and the vice chairman is regularly reminding everyone I look like Jamie O’Hara, but to date there has been no concerted effort to find lookalikes for every Kenna manager,’ said Jamie O….the chairman.

‘Now every manager, for better or for worse, has a lookalike on their team profile page.

‘We understand some managers may be unhappy with their lookalike choice, and there is a process to challenge it.’

Any manager who wishes to appeal to get their own or another manager’s lookalike changed must present a better alternative to Kenna HQ for consideration.

‘We’re looking forward to hearing the appeals,’ said the chairman.

The Chairman – Jamie O’Hara
The Barry Town manager – Thomas Tuchel
The Walthamstow Reds manager – Ted ‘The Count’ Hankey
The Lokomotiv Leeds manager – Gael Clichy

The Piss Poor manager – Vladimir Putin

TV and radio
The Hairy Fadjeetas manager – Tony Livesey
The Bunch of Kuntz manager – Dale Winton
The Pikey Scum manager – ‘Dave Hedgehog’
The Dynamo Charlton manager – ‘Gareth Keenan’

Children’s characters
The Clotted Cream First manager – Bungle
The Thame Network Solutions manager – Badger
The Thieving Magpies manager – Skeletor
The Treasurer – Bitzer

The Daggers’n’Redbridge manager – ‘Don Logan’
The Test Team (please ignore) manager – Stanley Tucci
The Dark Lord – ‘Hugo Drax’
The Craft Beer Wankers manager – ‘Abduwali Abdukhadir Muse’

The Judean Peoples’ Front manager – Anders Breivik
The Vice Chairman – Vincent Tabak
The Cowley Casuals manager – Stuart Hazell

Covid Cup results and standings

Top two teams qualify.

Covid Cup 2 March 2021
Covid Cup 2 March 2021

Kenna League week 23

Kenna week 23 - 2 March 2021
Kenna week 23 – 2 March 2021

Kenna League week 22

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 22 - 24 February 2021
Kenna week 22 – 24 February 2021
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The chairman said:

“I think the phrase rhymes with clucking may God.”

Covid Cup results

Bala 29 – 14 Dark Lord
Dynamo 39 – 36 Reds
Scum 27 – 44 Pies
Casuals 34 – 18 Kuntz
Chairman 36 – 32 Cream
TT 13 – 18 Fadges
PP 26 – 21 TNS
Barry 35 – 47 Lokomotiv

Kenna League week 21

Full scores available in The Rub.

Kenna week 21 - 18 February 2021
Kenna week 21 – 18 February 2021
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Black Country ‘f-yow-ry’

FOUR football managers from Wolverhampton have filed a class action lawsuit against the Kenna League for alleged discrimination at last week’s transfer window.

Running the window auction on video conferencing for the first time in the history of the Kenna, the chairman kept mistaking which Black Country manager was bidding for players because ‘they all sound the same to me’.

‘Usually we’re in the pub and I can tell who’s who because of where they’re sitting and where the low sort-of-growly noise is coming from. Last Friday it was a wall of tiles on the screen,’ said the chairman this week.

The Wulfrunian managers were outraged, and have not accepted the chairman’s explanation, instead choosing to pursue legal action.

The Wolverhampton-born manager of Walthamstow Reds detailed exactly why they were taking this issue so seriously: ‘Yam yam yam. Yam yam yam. Yam yam just laayzy stereotoiping.

‘Yam yam yam. Yam yam yam. Yam yam hyowman roights infringement.’

The Thieving Magpies manager, another plaintiff, was clearly furious: ‘Yam yam yam. Yam yam yam. Yam yam don’t all sound the soime. It’s a disgroice.’

The Cowley Casuals boss told the Express and Star: ‘Yam yam yam. Yam yam yam. Yam yam soigned Benrahma not Royan Bertrand.’

The fourth Black Country manager to file the class action suit, the Bunch of Kuntz gaffer, is in his debut season in the Kenna. He added a touch of metaphor to his comment on the situation: ‘Yam yam yam. Yam yam yam. Yam yam Ebangks-Blaayke in Roileys on Broad Street.’

Covid Cup draw

Group A – Bala Rinas, The Dark Lord, Dynamo Charlton, Reds, Vice chairman

Group B – Pikey Scum, Pies, Casuals, Bunch of Kuntz, Daggers

Group C – Chairman’s XI, Clotted Cream, Test Team, Fadges, The Pirate

Group D – Piss Poor, TNS, Barry Town, Lokomotiv, Breivik

This weekend

Bala v Dark Lord
Dynamo v Reds
Scum v Pies
Casuals v Kuntz
Chairman v Cream
TT v Fadges
Barry v Lokomotiv

Kenna League week 20

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 20 - 11 February 2021
Kenna week 20 – 11 February 2021
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Five things to watch out for at tomorrow’s Kenna transfer window

THE Kenna League’s first fully remote transfer window starts tomorrow at 6pm.

This is the only window of the season – the Kenna usually has two – and presents the sole chance for managers to set up their teams for the campaign finale.

Here are five things Kenna managers will have a keen eye on tomorrow.

The Bala Rinas manager

The Bala Rinas manager has come a long way since signing Carlos Edwards in the upstairs bar of the Black Horse on Rathbone Place 14 years ago.

Not only did he become league treasurer, this season he’s flying at the top of the table, but his previous best is three third place finishes between 2014 and 2016, and he is unaccustomed to entering a transfer window at this altitude.

Will his fledging membership of the mile high club come to a premature end even before the stewardess opens the flaps on her drinks trolley?

Bala Rinas released ballast Saed Kolasinac and Oliver Norwood earlier this week, and Trent Alexander-Arnold ends his loan spell.

The manager needs to sign a midfielder and two defenders, a big ask with just £2.5m in the bank.

Tomas Soucek (87 points), Kurt Zouma (80), Jan Bednarek (78), and Thiago Silva (71) will be top of the Bala Rinas’ shopping list, but the manager could be in for a long evening.

Edison Cavani

Chiselled from marble and deadlier from close range than a Covid-contaminated queue outside Greggs, Cavani is a world-class striker.

Despite only making seven starts in 20 game weeks, the neo-classical goal threat has already racked up 56 points and is now a regular starter.

Rodrigo, McGoldrick, Welbeck and Benteke are the highest-scoring alternatives from the available forwards. The Uruguayan will come at a premium.

The Test Team (please ignore) manager – the window’s richest club with £34.5m at his disposal – may decide to wildcard Chris Wood to make way.

The other most affluent managers are all Bramble tied too. Could we see the likes of Victor Lindelof, Ivan Cavaleiro, David De Gea, or Obi Wan-Bissaka released on wildcards?


August 2018. That’s the last time Jesse Lingard was signed by a Kenna manager.

Since then his stock as a midfielder has fallen almost as low as Adam Johnson’s.

But then he moved south this week and scored two goals in one game.

Could he be a replacement for Mason Greenwood at Test Team (please ignore)? Or Dele Alli at Barry Town? Or Bill Cosby at Walthamstow Reds?

The Dark Lord’s wildcard

No stranger to controversy or a title challenge, the FC Testiculadew manager is set for another window of smoke and mirrors to cut the gap on league leaders Bala Rinas.

Releasing only his loan player Matheus Pereira, foremost in his thoughts will be Ross Barkley or Pascal Gross to fill the gap in midfield.

It’s hard to predict where FCT can improve a team of steady points accumulators, but every Kenna manager knows (and every Kenna administrator dreads) ‘the Tactical Brambler‘ will spend the next 24 hours deep in scheme.

The Pirate’s Bramble

Second from bottom in the league, the Craft Beer Wankers boss is the lowest-ranked manager not to have his team recruited completely by autofill.

Having released Glenn Murray, Felipe Anderson and Muswell Hill murderer Dennis Nilsen, the Pirate has just £1.5m to sign three players.

The question in every manager’s mind is: even knowing he can only spend point five on each player, will the Pirate drink enough of his home brew to Bramble on the likes of Cavani or Zouma? Or even buy a crocked Raul Jiminez?

Like a 100-year-old Second World War veteran admitted to hospital with Coronavirus, you know the writing’s on the wall.

Player releases and remaining budgets

ManagerLoan playerReleasesBramble tiesWar chest (£m)
PaulGreenwoodEgan, Dubravka34.5
MackayAlli, VVD, Batshit27
JackJack O’Connell, Gary Cahill25
DudleyD Sanchez, Basham, Neves, Bill Cosby, Martinelli18.5
ChairmanRyan, J Rod17
AidenRodrigo LeedsDonny VDB15
StuBarkleyBryan, Ake, Barnes, JiminezBarkley, Grealish14
Vice chairmanRobson-Kanu14
SilverThiagoDean Henderson, Mustafi, Austin, Dwight Gayle14
SadlerJoelintonGomez, Long, Havertz, Vinagre, Mitrovic, Rice13
OliGrossCaballero, Cyrus Christie9.5
Dark LordPereira West Brom7
John NorrisFred7
PhilVertonghen, Trezeguet3
LewisTrentNorwood, Kolasinac2.5
AbdiGlenn Murray, Denis Nilsen, Felipe Anderson1.5

Kenna League week 19

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 19 - 2 February 2021
Kenna week 19 – 2 February 2021
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A bitter Rod to swallow

Kenna transfer deadline 12pm Tuesday 2 February.

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THERE was a knock on the door. The chairman bade enter from his desk.

A slim Colombian sidled in and said: ‘Gavnor, you want see me?’

‘James, good to see you,’ said the chairman expansively, putting an ‘h’ sound on the ‘J’ like he’d heard the intellectuals do making wry observations on the Football Snidely podcast.

The chairman continued: ‘Fantastic performance this week, James. It’s great to have you back from injury, but I didn’t ask to see you.’

The midfielder held up a note torn from a noticeboard. In marker pen it read ‘J Rod, my office now!’

The chairman smiled: ‘That wasn’t meant for you, James. You’re doing just fine. Would you go and tell Jay Rodriguez to come to my office?’

The Colombian nodded and left, clearly relieved. The chairman stood, went to the cocktail cabinet, and mixed his second pink gin of the morning.

He took a sip and mildly rebuked himself for signing two J Rods at the Kenna auction. The £13m for the South American was almost immediately repaid after a couple of matches. The £0.5m for the English striker was another story.

A smart rap at the door snapped him out of his reverie. ‘Enter.’

A man bun walked into the room, and the chairman motioned it to take a seat. The two men were silent for a few moments before the chairman moved over to his desk and stood looking at his striker.

‘Can you give me a good reason to let you go ahead of Tuesday’s transfer deadline?’

Jay Rodriguez stared back unmoved.

‘It’s just, I was all ready to let you go,’ continued the chairman. ‘I only paid point five for you at the end of the auction because someone had already bought Ashley Barnes, and until this week you’ve given me just that in performances: point five.’

The words hung in the air, but the player couldn’t have looked more relaxed. The chairman thought to himself ‘he’s been on the end of this before. At Burqini Pool Party in 2017/18. At Judean Peoples’ Front in 2015/16. At Headless Chickens the season before that. And twice again at JPF the season previous and the one before that. None of those teams won the title. The man’s a curse and he bloody knows it!’

He tried a different tack: ‘Jay, I’d like to share with you how happy I am you scored twice and got an assist on the weekend. I would really like to see more of that from you, but you’ve put me…you’ve put your teammates in a very difficult situation.

‘You see, next Friday I want to sign…,’ the chairman spent the next 10 minutes laying out his plans for the Kenna transfer window. The players he coveted. The players he thought had potential. The players he dismissed as ‘John Jensens and Stefan Schwarzes’.

All the while Jay Rodriguez barley moved a muscle, which the chairman guessed was just in case he tweaked something.

‘Now, Jay,’ the monologue was drawing to a close. ‘I’m going to keep you on. I want you to finish the season with us. We’re eighth in the league and if things go well next Friday we’ll be in a position to make a decent fist of it.

‘But I need you to stay fit and keep getting games. If I keep you on I’m going to look stupid in front of the rest of the league, in front of the rest of my league, if your form and fitness drift. Do you hear me?’

The striker stood and left the room without saying a word.

‘Damn that man!’ growled the chairman to the empty room as he made a fresh assault on the Angostura Bitters. ‘Damn him! He knows I haven’t got the money to let him go and sign….’

There was a crash like the sound of a balloon bursting followed by the muffled tinkling of glass.

‘Damn you, J Rod!’

He knelt down to begin picking up shards of glass, and then stopped.

‘Why on earth did the JPF manager sign you three times?’

Kenna League week 18

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna League week 18 - 26 January 2021
Kenna League week 18 – 26 January 2021
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The Kenna Putsch

THE political world was rocked this week as dissenting fantasy football managers stormed Kenna HQ in protest at the chairman.

The managers of Judean Peoples’ Front, Dagger’n’Redbridge, Lokomotiv Leeds, and Young Boys overwhelmed security forces to occupy Kenna HQ, before desecrating the chairman’s cocktail cabinet, smashing up the Titus Bramble Lounge (pictured), and taking recreational drugs in the executive toilet.

The attack is thought to have been sparked by the perceived unfair treatment of the quartet of managers who failed to turn up to the September auction, and had their teams completed by autofill once all the best players had been sold.

Mobile phone footage of the insurrectionists shows them shouting slogans ‘free the absentees’ and ‘hell no autofill’.

Once the alcohol had run dry, the rebels got bored and left, telling TV news crews outside they would continue to take revenge at the transfer window two weeks on Friday.

The chairman, who was away from Kenna HQ in self isolation, played down security fears, putting the sedition down to jealousy.

‘Let’s not forget, these managers all failed to attend the auction, so if they end up with the likes of Mesut Ozil and Odion Ighalo they’ve only got themselves to blame.

‘They may have occupied Kenna HQ for a couple of hours, but they’ll be occupying four of the last five places in the table for the rest of the season.

‘Of course, the other place will be occupied by the Craft Beer Wankers manager who did attend the auction, but performed so badly he’s got Glenn Murray and north London serial killer Dennis Nilsen up front.’

Kenna League week 17

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 17 - 19 January 2021
Kenna week 17 – 19 January 2021

Kenna League week 16

Kenna week 16 - 12 January 2021
Kenna week 16 – 12 January 2021
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Who needs enemies when you’ve got managers like these?

THE Kenna League chairman has vowed to crack down on managers who refuse to pay their subs after receiving ‘the lowest form of insult’ in the post.

Holding up a piece of chocolate money and a losing scratch card, the chairman said time is now up for managers failing to pay monies owed to the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league.

The Judean Peoples’ Front manager, who is more than two years behind in payments, is reported to have sent the items to Kenna HQ after being humiliated before Christmas when he was snapped in the pub with fellow debtor the Dulwich Red Sox manager.

‘This really is the lowest form of insult. I’d rather receive death threats than this guff. It’s the final straw,’ said the chairman.

Rumours at Kenna HQ are subs dodgers will receive any prize money payouts relative to how much they’ve paid in, which sounds a pecuniary alarm bell to debtors.

Fat Ladies‘ third place finish in 2019 and Pikey Scum‘s August 2019 Manager of the Month prize, and their fantastic form this season, will see the managers of both clubs most out of pocket unless they contact the treasurer immediately.

The Pirate and JPF manager are even further behind in their payments, but so unlikely to win anything in the Kenna their local health authorities sent them letters to say they’re ‘clinically extremely vulnerable’.

Transfer window details announced

The season’s only transfer window will take place remotely on Friday 5 February, it was announced today.

Managers must release unwanted players by the 12pm deadline on Tuesday 2 February.

The Cowley Casuals manager will have to decide (but probably not for long) on ditching either Ross Barkley or Jack Grealish, who are both Bramble tied.

Eight loan players will also be made available for the window:

Trent A-A (42 points) – Bala Rinas, 1st in the league
Sebastian Haller (41) – Dynamo Charlton, 5th
Joelinton (35) – Bunch of Kuntz, 13th
Oliver McBurnie (28) – Thame Network Solutions, 6th
Luke Shaw (23) – Cowley Casuals, 8th
Fred (19) – Piss Poor, 3rd
Gareth Bale (10) – Judean Peoples’ Front, 20th
Thiago (5) – Lokomotiv Leeds, 17th

Auction non-attendees the vice chairman and the Dagger’n’Redbridge manager are yet to discover the identity of their loan players.

A live head-to-head challenge between the two managers just before the transfer window begins has been tabled. The winner will decide the loser’s loan player.

Dennis Praet (33 points, vice chairman) and Bobby De Cordova-Reid (44 points, Daggers) are front runners.

Covid Cup

This season’s cup competition will see four groups of five in a seeded draw at the window, with the top two teams from each advancing straight into a quarter-final knockout stage.

WeekScores publishedNotesTransfer windowCup
1612 January
1719 January
1826 JanuaryDouble GW
192 FebruaryFriday 5 FebruaryDraw
209 February
2116 FebruaryGroup fixture 1
2223 FebruaryGroup fixture 2
232 MarchGroup fixture 3
249 MarchGroup fixture 4
2516 MarchGroup fixture 5
2623 March
276 April
2813 AprilQF first leg
2920 AprilQF second leg
3027 April
314 MaySF first leg
3211 MaySF second leg
3318 May15 May – FA Cup Final
3425 MayFinal

Kenna table week 15

Kenna week 15 - 6 January 2021
Kenna week 15 – 6 January 2021

Kenna table week 14

Kenna week 14 - 29 December 2020
Kenna week 14 – 29 December 2020

Kenna table week 13

Kenna week 13 - 22 December 2020
Kenna week 13 – 22 December 2020
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