THE Saturday afternoon of 9 August 2014 marked a momentous day in London pub-based fantasy football: the 10th anniversary auction of the Kenna League.
With the competition now in it’s first week (Kenna table below), 10 photos of this historic occasion show the day in all its glory.
All photos and captions by the Still Don’t Know Yet manager.
The chairman begins what he describes to everyone but his fiancee as his most important speech of the year
Ahead of the auction the Kenna League chairman made a short address to the 16 managers gathered above The Carpenter’s Arms near Marble Arch.
Traditionally consisting of flimsy and inappropriate jokes about the cultural origins of league members, this 10th anniversary’s Fozzie Bear performance made reference to the number 10 being linked to the average age children are radicalised in Somalia…after reading Treasure Island…as part of the school curriculum.
Sadly, the league’s Somali representative was not present to take offence.
The Hairy Fadjeetas manager using Excel’s patented tight-fisted Yorkshireman feature to ensure he stays within budget
Still on the run after brutally beating a female Sky Sports News presenter to death on Chobham Common, one manager was forced to dial into the auction from his Swiss hideout.
A Kenna manager’s best friend…and an auction brochure LOLZ
A classic auction photo. See how the additional challenge of rampant alcoholism has this manager consider tabling a bid for West Bromwich Albion reserve goalkeeper Boaz Myhill.
Hamas were always going to struggle to pass the fit and proper owner test
Managers arriving at Marble Arch tube station that day were greeted by a ‘Free Palestine’ demonstration, which most of them ignored. Except the Piedmonte manager, who turned up to the auction late carrying a placard.
Managers hang on the chairman’s every word
Is this the last ever photo of the Bramble Jersey? The Wigan Athletic shirt thought to have been worn by the notorious defender were among the league effects to disappear after the auction when an errant taxi driver cheesed it.
The fate of Le Maillot Merde, the Bramble bell, auction hammer, Kenna HQ keys and pornographic playing cards are still at the mercy of the Transport for London lost property department.
As with any marathon-length event carbohydrate loading was essential
This year’s auction took six hours, which is a test of stamina for any fantasy football manager. For the Fat Ladies boss, returning to the league after a few years, the event proved too much on liquid alone and he cracked.
Auditions for a remake of Brideshead Revisted were also taking place
Alexander the Great, on some ancient campaign, came across the Gordian Knot: a piece of rope so tangled that the greatest minds in the known world could not untie it. Alexander solved the problem by chopping through the knot with his sword.
Here the Judean Peoples’ Front manager talks a similar approach to a conundrum that has bugged the Kenna since the public smoking ban. How does a pub-based fantasy football auction that usually takes place in upstairs rooms allow managers to chuff on a tab and take part in proceedings?
Technically he’s not flouting the law. In reality he looks like Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik.
Deep in concentration or possibly just passing wind
Armed with a player list and their wits – well, just a player list – managers attempt to buy eleven players during the auction…
Just a couple to steady the nerves
…which can be thirsty work.
Thanks Tactical Brambler but we still hate you
Tired of wiping the floor with the floor with the league and all that prize money, and much maligned after discovering the sharp practice of tactical Brambling, the FC Testiculadew manager sought to increase his popularity by donating his Emerson World Cup winnings to the bar at the 10th anniversary auction.
The chairman thought long and hard about the how best to spend this sum and came up with master plan of half a case of champagne. For those looking to organise their own fantasy football auction, this worked well as managers were instantly talkative and engaged in proceedings.
One learning point for the future would be to not buy as much champagne, for after a couple of hours there was a definite lull. After that memories are sketchy.
Kenna table – 19 August 2014