Still Don’t Know Yet 2014/15

Ball profile pic

Undecided: The Still Don’t Know Yet manager

Manager: Pete (Teeside)

Twitter name@peterball01

Since: 2012

Last season: 17th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – 14th in 2012/13)

Sympathies: Boro

Darts musicTheme from ‘The Power Game’ – Cyril Stapleton

Season preview in one sentence: With a 14th-place finish and a 17th-place finish under his belt, the manager knew that - for a third successive campaign – sticking to his auction strategy of blowing half the budget on Robin van Persie and the rest on a bunch of no hopers and bench warmers would be the last thing his competition would expect.

Boruc, A SOT  £3.00 
Huth, R STO  £7.00 
Manquillo, J LIV  £0.50 
Monreal, N ARS  £0.50 
Zouma, K CHE  £0.50 
Downing, S WHM  £4.00 
Johnson, A SUN  £8.00 
Lennon, A TOT  £3.00 
Morrison, J WBA  £3.00 
Dzeko, E MCY  £21.00 
van Persie, R MUN  £39.00 

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Dynamo Charlton 2014/15


Smug: The Dynamo Charlton manager

Manager: Alex (Surrey)

Twitter name@alexbass75

Since: 2011

Last season: 19th

Trophy cabinet: Olisadebe Euro 2012 winner

Sympathies: Charlton Athletic

Darts musicThe Gladiators TV theme

Season preview in one sentence: A mixture of untested talent and Kenna experience revolving around an Elephant who will never forget should the manager not remember his birthday (13 May, by the way).

Howard, T EVE  £                0.50
Vlaar, R AVL  £                6.00
Debuchy, M ARS  £                7.00
Wisdom, A WBA  £                2.00
Teixeira, D STO  £                0.50
Snodgrass, R HUL  £                8.00
Toure, Y MCY  £             10.00
Cabella, R NEW  £             15.00
Albrighton, M LEI  £                0.50
Lambert, R LIV  £                0.50
Gomis, B SWA  £                8.00
     £             58.00m

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Treasurer cashes in

Ginekolog amator

In the hole: Aaron Ramsey is already proving to be an excellent source of goals from midfield for Bala Rinas

THE Kenna League treasurer finds his team at the top of the table for what is possibly the first time in a seven-year management career.

Goals from Marouane Chamakh and Aaron Ramsey, and a brace from Stefan Jovetic saw Bala Rinas fire to the summit of fantasy football in the second round of the season.

Asked if he could keep his side first for the remaining 37 weeks of the campaign, the treasurer consulted his big-buttoned calculator with a receipt roll at the top.

“The chances of Marouane Chamakh popping up with goal every week are…tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, bzzzzzzzzz…slim to none,” he concluded.

Despite a best-ever Kenna performance from Nacer Chadli, Just Put Carles prop up the table, although this is understandable considering the manager didn’t attend the auction and had his team randomly selected from a list of remaining players after 17 people had bought their players at auction.

What demands more explanation is the position of five managers who all find themselves beneath not one but two sides – Hoxton Pirates and FC Testiculadew – picked by the computer from auction scraps because they failed to attend the most well-run event in Kenna history.

Fans are losing patience with the Lokomotiv Leeds manager-out, Fat Ladies manager-out, Piedmonte manager-out, Cowley Casuals manager-out and Still Don’t Know Yet manager-out.

Protest marches from lo

Weekly scores

This week





Bala Rinas Lewis  49   4 


Headless Chickens John N  35   1 


St Reatham FC Mike  34   1 


Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden  32   2 


Walthamstow Reds Dudley  26   -00 


Hoxton Pirates Abdi  24   2 


Pikey Scum Jack  24   1 


Dynamo Charlton Alex  23   -00 


Just Put Carles Carles  22   2 


Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S  22   1 


Piedmonte Phil  21   -00 


Fat Ladies Ted  21   -00 


Young Boys Denney  20   -00 


FC Tescticuladew James N  20   -00 


Sporting Lesbian Ben M  19   1 


Team Panda Rules OK George  19   1 


Judean People’s Front Sholto  19   -00 


Cowley Casuals Stu  19   -00 


KS West Green Stix  18   1 


Still Don’t Know Yet Pete  15   1 


Player of the week


Chadli, N – TOT – MID


Just Put Carles

Kenna table

Kenna table week two - 26 August 2014

Kenna table week two – 26 August 2014

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Piedmonte 2014/15

Phil profile pic

England till he dies: Piedmonte manager

Manager: Phil (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name@PhillyD55

Since: 2005 (co-founder)

Last season: Runner up

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – 2nd in 2006/07 and last season)

Sympathies: Notts County

Darts musicThe Great Escape – the England Band

Season preview in one sentence: The two-time runner up no-time winner has attempted to shed his ‘always the bridesmaid’ tag by signing Andros Townsend again: will the Piedmonte manager ever learn?

Krul, T NEW  £0.50 
Azpilicueta, C CHE  £11.00 
Mertesacker, P ARS  £10.00 
O’Shea, J SUN  £5.00 
Sagna, B MCY  £7.00 
Gerrard, S LIV  £18.00 
Pienaar, S EVE  £2.00 
Shelvey, J SWA  £6.00 
Townsend, A TOT  £0.50 
Valencia, E WHM  £8.00 
Remy, L QPR  £15.00 

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Judean Peoples’ Front 2014/15

Sholto profile pic

Cold-blooded killer: The Judean Peoples’ Front manager

Manager: Sholto (Wales)

Since: 2008

Last season: 4th

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – 3rd in 2012/13)

Sympathies: Manchester United

Darts musicSerial Killa – Snoop Doggy Dogg

Season preview in one sentence: How much 10th anniversary auction celebratory champagne must one drink before Victor Anichebe is considered a good signing?

Lloris, H TOT  £12.00 
Davies, C HUL  £7.00 
Evans, J MUN  £17.00 
Koscielny, L ARS  £17.00 
Taylor, S NEW  £1.00 
Besic, M EVE  £0.50 
Oscar CHE  £15.00 
Henderson, J LIV  £5.00 
Delph, F AVL  £4.00 
Negredo, A MCY  £4.00 
Anichebe, V WBA  £0.50 

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Fat Ladies 2014/15

Fat Ladies manager picture

Pies the limit: The Fat Ladies manager

Manager: Ted (Coventry)

Twitter name: @haggerstontimes

Since: 2005 (co-founder)

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2007/08

Last season: N/A

Sympathies: Coventry, Manchester United

Darts music: Single Ladies – Beyonce

Season preview in one sentence: Middle East based Flores aside, strong at the back and up front, but midfield consistency could be described as ‘scatty‘.

Szczesny, W ARS  £11.00 
Brown, W SUN  £0.50 
Chiriches, V TOT  £0.50 
Coloccini, F NEW  £6.00 
Flores, C SWA  £2.00 
McCarthy, J EVE  £2.00 
Navas, J MCY  £10.00 
Nolan, K WHM  £9.00 
Young, A MUN  £5.00 
Benteke, C AVL  £8.00 
Sturridge, D LIV  £35.00 

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Walthamstow Reds 2014/15

Dudley profile pic

In-ger-land: The Walthamstow Reds manager

Manager: Dudley (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name@dudleyben

Since: 2005 (co-founder and committee member – charts and graphs)

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – second in 2005/06)

Last season: 7th

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: House of Love – East 17

Season preview in one sentence: Are James Milner and Aiden McGeady really going to win you your first ever Kenna title in 10 years of trying?

Cech, P CHE  £                1.00
Flanagan, J LIV  £                0.50
Janmaat, D NEW  £                4.00
Williams, A SWA  £                4.00
Pieters, E STO  £                2.00
Lamela, E TOT  £             28.00
McGeady, A EVE  £                0.50
Milner, J MCY  £                0.50
Walcott, T ARS  £             18.00
Ideye, B WBA  £                0.50
Rooney, W MUN  £             39.00
     £             98.00m

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Sporting Lesbian 2014/15

Ben M profile

Sloth: The Sporting Lesbian manager

Manager: Ben M (Cumbria)

Twitter name@BenMarcangelo

Since: 2012

Last season: 8th

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2012/13

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts musicLesbian Seagull – David van Driessen

Season preview in one sentence: The expensive Sanchez and Sterling aside, only time will tell whether the Kenna champions from two seasons ago are a team of canny buys or complete dross.

de Gea, D MUN  £                1.00
Coleman, S EVE  £             14.00
Demichelis, M MCY  £                0.50
Luis, F CHE  £             10.00
Tomkins, J WHM  £                0.50
Paulinho TOT  £                0.50
Sterling, R LIV  £             33.00
Westwood, A AVL  £                0.50
Hernandez, P SWA  £                0.50
Sanchez, A ARS  £             34.00
Pelle, G SOT  £                3.00
     £             97.50m

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Kenna League 10th anniversary auction: photos

THE Saturday afternoon of 9 August 2014 marked a momentous day in London pub-based fantasy football: the 10th anniversary auction of the Kenna League.

With the competition now in it’s first week (Kenna table below), 10 photos of this historic occasion show the day in all its glory.

All photos and captions by the Still Don’t Know Yet manager.

The chairman begins what he describes to everyone but his fiancee as his most important speech of the year

The chairman begins what he describes to everyone but his fiancee as his most important speech of the year

Ahead of the auction the Kenna League chairman made a short address to the 16 managers gathered above The Carpenter’s Arms near Marble Arch.

Traditionally consisting of flimsy and inappropriate jokes about the cultural origins of league members, this 10th anniversary’s Fozzie Bear performance made reference to the number 10 being linked to the average age children are radicalised in Somalia…after reading Treasure Island…as part of the school curriculum.

Sadly, the league’s Somali representative was not present to take offence.

The Hairy Fadjeetas manager using Excels patented tight-fisted Yorkshireman feature to ensure he stays within budget

The Hairy Fadjeetas manager using Excel’s patented tight-fisted Yorkshireman feature to ensure he stays within budget

Still on the run after brutally beating a female Sky Sports News presenter to death on Chobham Common, one manager was forced to dial into the auction from his Swiss hideout.

A Kenna manager's best friend...and an auction brochure LOLZ

A Kenna manager’s best friend…and an auction brochure LOLZ

A classic auction photo. See how the additional challenge of rampant alcoholism has this manager consider tabling a bid for West Bromwich Albion reserve goalkeeper Boaz Myhill.

Hamas were always going to struggle to pass the fit and proper owner test

Hamas were always going to struggle to pass the fit and proper owner test

Managers arriving at Marble Arch tube station that day were greeted by a ‘Free Palestine’ demonstration, which most of them ignored. Except the Piedmonte manager, who turned up to the auction late carrying a placard.

Managers hang on the chairman's every word

Managers hang on the chairman’s every word

Is this the last ever photo of the Bramble Jersey? The Wigan Athletic shirt thought to have been worn by the notorious defender were among the league effects to disappear after the auction when an errant taxi driver cheesed it.

The fate of Le Maillot Merde, the Bramble bell, auction hammer, Kenna HQ keys and pornographic playing cards are still at the mercy of the Transport for London lost property department.

As with any marathon-length event carbohydrate loading was essential

As with any marathon-length event carbohydrate loading was essential

This year’s auction took six hours, which is a test of stamina for any fantasy football manager. For the Fat Ladies boss, returning to the league after a few years, the event proved too much on liquid alone and he cracked.

Auditions for a remake of Brideshead Revisted were also taking place

Auditions for a remake of Brideshead Revisted were also taking place

Alexander the Great, on some ancient campaign, came across the Gordian Knot: a piece of rope so tangled that the greatest minds in the known world could not untie it. Alexander solved the problem by chopping through the knot with his sword.

Here the Judean Peoples’ Front manager talks a similar approach to a conundrum that has bugged the Kenna since the public smoking ban. How does a pub-based fantasy football auction that usually takes place in upstairs rooms allow managers to chuff on a tab and take part in proceedings?

Technically he’s not flouting the law. In reality he looks like Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik.

Deep in concentration or possibly just passing wind

Deep in concentration or possibly just passing wind

Armed with a player list and their wits – well, just a player list – managers attempt to buy eleven players during the auction…

Just a couple to steady the nerves

Just a couple to steady the nerves

…which can be thirsty work.

Thanks Tactical Brambler but we still hate you

Thanks Tactical Brambler but we still hate you

Tired of wiping the floor with the floor with the league and all that prize money, and much maligned after discovering the sharp practice of tactical Brambling, the FC Testiculadew manager sought to increase his popularity by donating his Emerson World Cup winnings to the bar at the 10th anniversary auction.

The chairman thought long and hard about the how best to spend this sum and came up with master plan of half a case of champagne. For those looking to organise their own fantasy football auction, this worked well as managers were instantly talkative and engaged in proceedings.

One learning point for the future would be to not buy as much champagne, for after a couple of hours there was a definite lull. After that memories are sketchy.

Kenna table

Kenna table - 19 August 2014

Kenna table – 19 August 2014

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Bala Rinas 2014/15


Day release: The Bala Rinas manager

Manager: Lewis (Wales)

Twitter name@jsl105

Since: 2007 (committee member – treasurer)

Last season: 3rd

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – last season)

Sympathies: Wrexham

Darts musicC.R.E.A.M. – Wu Tang Clan

Season preview in one sentence: Chamakh and Jovetic yet to perform to their heralded potential in the Kenna, so it looks like the treasurer will be relying on Cahill, Ramsey and Eriksen to better last season’s third place.

Guzan, B AVL  £0.50 
Cahill, G CHE  £15.00 
Lovren, D LIV  £9.00 
Rafael MUN  £0.50 
Trippier, K BUR  £0.50 
Eriksen, C TOT  £24.00 
Ramsey, A ARS  £20.00 
Tadic, D SOT  £10.00 
Sissoko, M NEW  £3.00 
Jovetic, S MCY  £11.00 
Chamakh, M CRY  £0.50 

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