The Green Man, Fitzrovia

THE Green Man is a fabulous cider pub just a short walk from Oxford Circus.

On Friday evening it was peopled mainly by local office workers, with tourists cheerfully beyond the ken of the pub’s tucked-away location.

Many tipplers were huddled smoking outside on the pavement, despite the inclement February weather of Storm Frank, Godfrey, Henrietta, Ivanhoe or whatever the Met Office have begun overzealously renaming the same kind of wind and rain each week.

Inside the bar faces the front door and large windows. A high ceiling provides patrons with plenty of headroom to enjoy the multitude of beers and ciders. The Veltins and the Thatchers Old Rascal were delightful.

For a Kenna transfer window it was cramped. Managerial grumbles were heard of the pub’s unsuitable aspect on more than several occasions.

Against this dissent the show went on, as the league packed around a high corner table to make themselves heard over the din of ad agency creatives who regularly take deliveries on late Friday afternoons.

Business was conducted swiftly and with the minimum of fuss. In fact, it was so Bramble free an emergency meeting was convened immediately afterwards between the chairman, vice chairman and whoever else happened to be waiting for bar service nearby at the time.

The chairman summed up Kenna HQ’s dilemma at a press conference this morning.

“The simple fact is: managers aren’t drinking enough,” he said upon showing a deadly Periscope video replay of a bunch of managers crowded around a small table full of pint glasses carefully studying lists of available players.

“We need to introduce some sort of spirits imbibing system into league meetings. No one’s Brambling, no one’s resigning in anger halfway through auctions and no one’s almost coming to blows over whether a contravention of made-up, fantasy-football-league regulation minutiae constitutes a breach of gentlemanly conduct,” said the chairman in reference to the acrimonious 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe Euros auction.

“Four years ago we had a shot of tequila midway through the Euros auction and look what happened. When it comes to the [2016 Jean-Alain] Boumsong auction in June managers should prepare themselves for carnage.”

An increase in entry fees to cover rounds of moody top-shelf spirits is among rumours to be on the drawing board.

The chairman was heard to say after the press conference that plans a manager would drink a shot for every player bought would ‘be the next vanishing spray’.

Kenna table – week 24

Kenna table week 24 - 9 February 2016
Kenna table week 24 – 9 February 2016

The Rub

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Young Boys Andrew D 83 2
2 Pikey Scum Jack 82 3
3 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 75 1
4 Thieving Magpies Phil 68 3
5 Judean People’s Front Sholto 67 4
6 KS West Green Stix 64 2
7 Headless Chickens John N 60 2
8 Dynamo Charlton Alex 60 1
9 Newington Reds Ben D 55 2
10 Team Panda George 55 2
11 Carles Carles 54 3
12 Northern Monkeys Hugo 52 1
13 Cowley Casuals Stu 52 1
14 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 48 2
15 Bala Rinas Lewis 48 0
16 ISIL Abdi 47 1
17 Uncertain Pete B 44 3
18 FC Tescticuladew James N 40 0
19 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 30 0
Points Player
Player of the week 19 Huth, R – LEI – DEF
Club Uncertain
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Transfer window death threats – five of the best

KENNA managers were set the task of releasing players for tomorrow’s second transfer window in the form a death threat to the chairman.

Just fewer than half the league responded to the challenge, with varying degrees of creativity and menace.

No one went so far as to nail the cat to the door of Kenna HQ or send a funeral wreath, which for any fantasy football league chairman is always a bonus.

The top five death threats are below, as well as this week’s table (not including Tuesday’s and Wednesday’s games).

For the first time, the transfer window will be broadcast live from The Green Man on the borders of Fitzrovia and Marylebone using Periscope. Absent managers can bid at

Regardless of whether they’ve released players or not, Kenna managers can still play one wildcard when the window is open between 7pm and 10pm tomorrow night.

A full list of available players and managers’ remaining budgets will be published at Friday lunchtime.

5. The Lokomotiv Leeds manager

Lokomotiv Leeds death threat
Threat level: 4/10

The Lokomotiv Leeds manager was the first to admit this was less of a death threat and more a reminder even the chairman’s side could come unstuck by scandal. However, still very amusing although there’s a greater threat Funky Pigeon has reported the LL boss to the authorities.

4. The FC Testiculadew manager

FC Testiculadew death threat
Threat level: 4/10

One of many classic lines from that Alan Partridge sex swap episode. The release graphic was a highlight, but the close is far too polite, softening the sinister connotations of the kiss at the end.

3. The Walthamstow Reds manager

Walthamstow Reds death threat
Threat level: 6/10

The Reds boss has gone to the trouble of creating an innovative word puzzle death threat which contains an actual threat on the chairman’s life, while simultaneously appealing to his penchant for crosswords. Marks taken off for using a space for a hyphen. Not great crossword etiquette.

2. The Judean Peoples’ Front manager

Judean Peoples' Front death threat

A jump in death threat class to a message with proper intent and intimidation. It’s a blurry image, but it doesn’t take much imagination to decipher the Anders Breivik lookalike’s promise to rain down judgement not just on the chairman but the whole league. He also takes time to single out the Young Boys manager, a definite plus. The coffee ring shows this has been on display at Kenna HQ all week.

1. The Young Boys manager

Young Boys death threat
Threat level: 9/10

Personal and chilling. The Young Boys manager has taken time to rifle through the chairman’s social media profiles to dig out the aftermath of Cambodian tuk tuk misadventure. Insinuates the YB boss was somehow behind the 2007 road traffic accident while threatening further harm. Inside is a clear threat to take over the league.

Kenna table – week 23

Kenna table week 23 - 2 February 2016
Kenna table week 23 – 2 February 2016

The Rub

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 41 5
2 FC Tescticuladew James N 33 0
3 KS West Green Stix 31 3
4 Carles Carles 29 2
5 Uncertain Pete B 26 4
6 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 25 1
7 Pikey Scum Jack 22 1
8 Northern Monkeys Hugo 22 1
9 Thieving Magpies Phil 21 1
10 Dynamo Charlton Alex 18 1
11 Team Panda George 18 0
12 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 16 0
13 ISIL Abdi 16 0
14 Headless Chickens John N 15 0
15 Bala Rinas Lewis 14 1
16 Young Boys Andrew D 14 0
17 Judean People’s Front Sholto 11 1
18 Newington Reds Ben D 9 0
19 Cowley Casuals Stu 3 0
Points Player
Player of the week 20 Iheanacho, K – MCY – STR
Club Uncertain


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Eight players to shape the Kenna transfer window

NEXT Friday heralds the Kenna League’s second and last transfer window of the season.

A typically scratchy affair, without a host of available players, a handful of footballers will command eye-watering sums of Kenna club war chests for showing even the briefest hint of form.

Here are eight of the most likely candidates.

1. Charlie Austin, Southampton striker

Despite rumours he spends more time in pubs than the Kenna chairman, Austin has not only managed to get into league but also scored a goal on the weekend. Albeit completely unmarked against an opposition defence struggling for form and consistency, bids will be readied from all corners of the Kenna management. Except, that is, for the Walthamstow Reds boss, who bought Austin on the basis of tittle tattle in August only to release him again at the October window when a move didn’t materialise. Kenna regulations prevent the Reds manager buying back Austin this season, so he’ll be a spectator while others court the striker.

2. Jermian Defoe, Sunderland striker

Given the choice of releasing Defoe for the promise of Anthony Martial in early October, many would have followed the path of the cash-rich Dynamo Charlton manager. Sadly for the south London outfit the Frenchman’s form has evaporated while Kenna veteran Defoe has scored five goals in the last five games.

3. Delle Ali, Tottenham midfielder

A sumptuous strike on the Saturday, and week-in-week-out appearances of guile and creativity would make one think this midfielder was a household name.  Ali’s now scored more points this season than Eric Lamela, Nacer Chadli and Moussa Dembele. Will Tottenham midfielders flood the market to make way next Friday?

4. Adam Johnson, Sunderland midfielder

Eager to disassociate himself from the consequences of inappropriately touching a schoolgirl, the Wandsworth Network Solutions manager handed Adam Johnson his P45 at the October window to the sound of terrace speculation about the nature and geography of his alleged offences. Since then the winger has gone on provide nine assists and occupy a central midfield creative role. Are any Kenna managers desperate enough to sign Johnson just five days before his appointed trial date? Yes. Yes, they are.

5. Claude Makalele

Of course, the diminutive Frenchman no longer patrols the outskirts of Kenna auctions, but his patented role certainly does. The likes of Southampton’s Steven Davis, Sunderland’s Yann M’Vila, Norwich’s Jonny Howson and Aston Villa’s Idrissa Gueye don’t create many chances, let alone score, but they have all made at least 20 full appearances this season. While not appealing to the hope of flair on a balmy August afternoon, on a cold night February these players are the chance to fill those non-scoring gaps a manager’s midfield.

6. Wes Morgan

A defender and club captain who has started almost every game and whose side are top of the Premier League. A Kenna manager must have snaffled Morgan already.

7. Enner Valencia

This compact Ecuadorian burst into Kenna consciousness in the 2014 Emerson World Cup with his explosive and direct displays for his country. He was having a stop-start sort of season but has come alive to score four goals in the last two games. Anyone in the Young Boys manager’s technical area would surely be considering the release of Diafra Sakho to make way.

8. Andros Townsend

No, not really. This is just in here as a joke. The last time someone signed ‘Dros’ Townsend in the February window they forfeit a debut Kenna League title. Literally.

Kenna table – week 22

Kenna table week 22 - 26 January 2016
Kenna table week 22 – 26 January 2016

The Rub

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 58 2
2 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 57 4
3 Pikey Scum Jack 48 4
4 Cowley Casuals Stu 44 2
5 Young Boys Andrew D 35 0
6 KS West Green Stix 34 3
7 Team Panda George 34 1
8 Carles Carles 31 2
9 Dynamo Charlton Alex 28 0
10 Northern Monkeys Hugo 28 0
11 Headless Chickens John N 27 2
12 Uncertain Pete B 27 1
13 ISIL Abdi 26 0
14 Bala Rinas Lewis 25 1
15 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 23 1
16 FC Tescticuladew James N 21 0
17 Newington Reds Ben D 18 0
18 Judean People’s Front Sholto 16 0
19 Thieving Magpies Phil 13 0
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Dawson, C – WBA – DEF
Club Young Boys
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Tom Hopper at the heart of Uncertain revenge

THE Uncertain manager has claimed his revenge on the chairman is complete after his side progressed to the Narcozep Cup knockout stage.

Uncertain clinched victory in a group B tie over the chairman’s team KS West Green in an encounter as high scoring as it was tight.

In the post-match interview at Undetermined Road, the Uncertain manager claimed this was the chairman’s just desserts for ordering the pre-dawn abduction of defender James Collins in August 2012.

“They say revenge is a dish best served cold, but it’s much better served with 13 points from Robert Huth and a Bramble player in your midfield,” scoffed the Uncertain manager, in a reference to Thai video star Tom Hopper.

The result was Uncertain’s third ‘squeaky bum time’ win of the group stage, with two other victories by just a point – Headless Chickens 18-17 and FC Testiculadew 20-19.

A whooping by Walthamstow Reds in the other game sees Uncertain progress with a -15 goal difference, the lowest of the quarter finalists.

The side will play Pikey Scum in the first round of the Narcozep knockout stage. Legs will be held on 16 February and 1 March.

League leaders Young Boys scraped through, despite concerns, to face Walthamstow Reds.

Cup holders Cowley Casuals failed to progress after losing to Thieving Magpies, who play Lokomotiv Leeds in the quarter finals.

Last season’s beaten finalists Dynamo Charlton will face Northern Monkeys.

Narcozep Cup – results

Carles 54 54 Real Threat
Young Boys 36 53 Pikey Scum
Uncertain 57 52 KS West Green
Newington Reds 47 42 Headless Chickens
Dynamo Charlton 44 25 ISIL
Lokomotiv Leeds 38 59 Team Panda
Cowley Casuals 35 52 Thieving Magpies
Judean People’s Front 37 57 Northern Monkeys

Narcozep Cup – final group standings

Narcozep Cup standings - 19 January 2016
Narcozep Cup standings – 19 January 2016

Narcozep Cup – quarter final fixtures

First leg – 16 February 2016
Pikey Scum v Uncertain
Young Boys v Walthamstow Reds
Dynamo Charlton v Northern Monkeys
Lokomotiv Leeds v Thieving Magpies

Second leg – 1 March 2016
Uncertain v Pikey Scum
Walthamstow Reds v Young Boys
Northern Monkeys v Dynamo Charlton
Thieving Magpies v Lokomotiv Leeds

Kenna table – week 21

Kenna table week 21 - 19 January 2016
Kenna table week 21 – 19 January 2016

The Rub

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Team Panda George 59 3
2 Bala Rinas Lewis 58 3
3 Uncertain Pete B 57 4
4 Northern Monkeys Hugo 57 2
5 FC Tescticuladew James N 55 3
6 Carles Carles 54 4
7 Pikey Scum Jack 53 3
8 KS West Green Stix 52 2
9 Thieving Magpies Phil 52 2
10 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 51 2
11 Newington Reds Ben D 47 1
12 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 45 2
13 Dynamo Charlton Alex 44 0
14 Headless Chickens John N 42 2
15 Young Boys Andrew D 40 0
16 Judean People’s Front Sholto 37 1
17 Cowley Casuals Stu 35 2
18 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 29 1
19 ISIL Abdi 22 0
Points Player
Player of the week 48 Shelvey, J – NEW – MID
Club Unsigned
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Inspector Morse Oxford pub crawl

IF one tired of London pubs is tired of life, what of one tired of London pub crawls?

Having visited the capital’s ale houses along bus, boat, Tube, tram and train routes over the last three years, a change in the air was needed.

There are many shortcomings to the nation’s rail services, but they do open up a whole array of towns and pubs to the dedicated drinker. And what more zealous tippler could there be than Inspector Morse?

Crime fiction’s biggest pub lover was often seen doing his best ‘thinking’ in the charming boozers of Oxford.

The ancient university city is an hour by train from the capital, making eight bars in the environs of Jericho and the city centre a walkable target for the London day tripper.

Paddington station was the rendezvous for five regular crawlers on Saturday 14 November 2015: the Kenna League chairman, the Pirate, Lady Norman, Sutcliffe and Dazza – who was once again on gents hand dryer rating patrol.

At this point, recognition must be paid to Christopher Sullivan, whose detailed research on the pubs of Morse was an essential part of planning.

1. The Morse Bar, The Randolph Hotel (map)

The Morse cocktail
The Morse Bar: Opulent beginnings

Despite the gloomy weather at Oxford train station, crawlers felt refreshed from a journey in which fellow passengers on the 11.21 had engaged in both conversation and our supply of brandy and coke. Pub recommendations flowed with the chat, and at least one pub was added to the itinerary.

Making our way east towards the city, umbrellas were up. Moist from light rain, we entered the small cocktail bar of The Randolph Hotel. It was filled with a mix of tourists and older patrons who looked a regular feature.

The waiter baulked when we ordered five Morse cocktails. A fiddly drink to make for even the most skilled barkeep, our man persevered. After a brief interlude five tipplers were showing signs of either displeasure or enjoyment depending on their interpretation of champagne, vanilla spirit, bourbon and something else garnished with long strain of orange zest.

The drink divided opinion but the surroundings did not. The wood panelling and nod to the fictitious chief inspector hanging above the fireplace was by far the most salubrious snug this posse had found themselves on a crawl. At £66 for the round, it was a pity Sergeant Lewis wasn’t ‘in the chair’ to pick up the tab.

The Randloph Hotel gents hand dryer


2. The Old Bookbinders Ale House, Jericho (map)

The Old Bookbinders Ale House, Oxford
The Old Bookbinders Ale House: Inspiration at the bar

The whip decimated, we made our way into the neighbourhood of Jericho and The Olde Bookbinders Ale House. The rain had not yet let up, so it was with great pleasure we crowded into what would turn out to be one of the best pubs of any crawl.

Situated opposite ‘Canal Reach’, the murder scene from the first televised Morse The Dead of Jericho, the Bookbinders is a tremendous pub. Authentic, cosy and a fine selection of drinks, it seemed a pity to stay for just one. The French landlord was as welcoming as his pub. His bonhomie and hospitality was extended to the toilet artwork. Captivating.

The Old Bookbinders Ale House gents hand dryer

3. The Jericho Tavern, Jericho (map)

The Jericho Tavern, Oxford
The Jericho Tavern: Live performance arts

It’s a short walk from the Bookbinders to The Jericho Tavern. A spacious, echoey pub with wooden floors, a high ceiling and according to the pin board a fine heritage as a live music venue.

Morse was seen disappearing into this establishment in the closing scenes of The Silent World of Nicholas Quinn. An adult film at the cinema next door proves crucial in solving the case. At the end of episode the chief inspector is disappointed to find the skin flick has been replaced by 101 Dalmatians, so he ducks into The Jericho Tavern instead. Classic Morse.

And a wise move. The beer selection was little short of outstanding. That is unless you’ve got the palette of Sutcliffe, whose customary resort to ‘the darkest thing on the menu’ – in ale, as well as life – was rewarded with the amber Doom Bar. He found little recompense in the balance-the-20p-on-the-bobbing-lemon-to-get-a-free-drink game, as did all crawlers.

The Jericho Tavern gents hand dryer

4. The Eagle & Child, St Giles (map)

The Eagle & Child, Oxford
The Eagle & Child: Rabble

A heated discussion on Stephen Fry’s value to society later, we cut east across a footpath through academic buildings. The brandy and coke, cocktails and beer manifested themselves in another debate: what constitutes an afro. In hindsight, how a man with a ginger beard offered a valid point on this matter was a mystery with which Morse would have wrestled longer than The Times crossword.

JRR Tolkein and other literary big hitters used to hang out at the Eagle & Child, but on our visit there was no more than tourists and wet umbrellas.

The pub is narrow and wood panelled. The number of tourists ordering mulled wine meant one could have read The Lord of the Rings trilogy while waiting to get served.

Finding a table in the conservatory area at the back, I can’t imagine anyone from Oxford wanting to visit this tourist snare. Indeed, the closest it came to the chief inspector it was dressed up as a background wine bar.

The Eagle and Child gents hand dryer

5. The Lamb and Flag, St Giles (map)

The Lamb and Flag, Oxford
The Lamb and Flag: Ginger licking good

Taking advice from an Oxford graduate on the train that morning, crawlers traversed St Giles to the Lamb and Flag. This wasn’t in the original plan, but its proximity and the scholar’s conviction gave it a solid recommendation.

The Lamb and Flag is much preferable to the Eagle & Child. Open, warm and with beer options adequate rather than outstanding, crawlers saw for the first time that day some real students celebrating after their graduation ceremony. And I thought girls only wore bow ties in gentleman’s magazines.

The Lamb and Flag gents hand dryer

6. The King’s Arms, Hollywell Street (map)

The King's Arms, Oxford
The King’s Arms: Two pubs after earlier disagreements over hair, they were friends again.

Taking the Lamb and Flag passage from the pub, the crawl reached Parks Road and took at right. A few minutes walk through yet more sandstone university buildings and now the pubs come thick and fast.

The King’s Arms was up first. It was packed with more bow ties than the Playboy Mansion. By now the day’s repast was beginning to take it’s toll and events slid past with remarkable ease and conviviality.

Immersed in the academic world, for the Pirate it was time to put some of that Somali charm to work. While not disastrous, other audiences have been more receptive to his chat. Pity, with his prolific London Tinder history he could have found an ideal match in a freshly-graduated immunologist.

The King's Arms gents hand dryer

7. The White Horse, Broad Street (map)

The White Horse, Oxford
The White Horse: Lairy punters

Undeterred, we bounded around the corner onto Broad Street and The White Horse. With three of the five crawlers standing over six feet tall, it’s a bit of a crouch from street level down the step and through the low doorway.

A corridor of a pub with bar one side and banquettes the other greets the visitor. Peroni was the pick of the lager in here, but we were straying dangerously close to the jaws of the tourist trap again.

The White Horse gents hand dryer

8. Turf Tavern, Bath Place (map)

Turf Tavern, Oxford
Turf Tavern: Wet

It was with relief then, we piled into Turf Tavern 50 metres away. A firm favourite with Morse, this labyrinthine boozer appears to be built on the design of a rabbit warren. By now steady rain was falling, so we huddled under one of the giant umbrella squares erected to protect patio tipplers. The ebb and flow of the chatter was pleasant and effortless. If only I could remember what the hell was being discussed.

Turf Tavern gents hand dryer

9. The Mitre Beefeater, The High (map)

From here the crawl became unwieldy. Walking south on Catte Street and turning right at the High, crawlers made another bonus pub visit. I say pub, but The Mitre is a Beefeater.

Morse does happen into here in one of the books, but waiting for Sutcliffe’s bowl of chips while drinking over-commercialised pilsner fails to fire many synapses, or to inspire Sutcliffe to get his camera out. The chief inspector would have solved few crimes in such a setting.

Turf Tavern gents hand dryer

10. The Bear Inn, Alfred Street (map)

The White Company
He was sick of society’s unconscious bias

Crossing the High and going down Alfred Street the crawl made it’s last official stop at The Bear Inn. This pub is old with dark beams and plenty of trade. After eight hours on the pop, other details are scant. We had something to drink. It was in a pint-shaped glass. Probably beer.

Having completed the crawl with at least 90 minutes until the 8.21 to London, it was a meandering path back to the station. We stopped at one of the many new new and characterless bars along the road back to the station to kill time.

We stocked up on Polish lager outside the station. The train ride home is a complete blank.

The Bear Inn gents hand dryer


The spires and sandstone of Oxford were a welcome change from the suburban dives and city centre faux show of London. The pubs are by and large fantastic too, and one can see why Colin Dexter made Morse such a lover.

The proximity of the drinking houses means any able bodied drinker can stroll between them, and going at the customary 40-minutes-a-pub pace, we completed the objective in less than six and a half hours, including an additional three pubs.

Perhaps in hindsight it would do better to visit the older pubs (The Bear Inn, Turf Tavern etc) first, in order to better enjoy their historic environs. However, the direction of the crawl would be difficult to reverse. The Randolph Hotel doesn’t feel like somewhere one would be welcome 10 pubs to the good.

Even if one could negotiate the doorman with a skinful, consuming the Morse Cocktail would be a Pyrrhic victory.

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Young Boys face Narcozep knockout

LEAGUE leaders Young Boys of Vauxhall could be shunted out of the Narcozep Cup at the group stage…by rejects team Real Threat.

Matches on Tuesday and Wednesday this week saw Young Boys fall a whopping 21 points behind in their final round tie with Pikey Scum in group A. Real Threat now sit in the second qualifying spot after a hat-trick from Jermaine Defoe.

The Young Boys manager must conjure stellar performances from the likes of Romelu Lukaku and Riyad Mahrez this weekend, or his chances of a league and cup double will be put to sleep.

Should Real Threat qualify, the team will be disbanded before the window and then made up of a fresh set of rejects afterwards.

Just Put Carles 24 33 Real Threat
Young Boys 9 30 Pikey Scum
Group A
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Pikey Scum 4 112 80 32 9
2 Real Threat 4 103 93 10 6
3 Young Boys 4 95 86 9 6
4 Hairy Fadjeetas 4 102 109 -7 6
5 Carles 4 87 131 -44 3

In group B, Wayne Rooney goals gave Uncertain a more err… certain chance of qualifying at the expense of two-times cup winners FC Testiculadew. Title hopefuls Walthamstow Reds are also looking strong.

Uncertain 41 20 KS West Green
Newington Reds 30 7 Headless Chickens
Group B
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Newington Reds 4 131 -86 45 9
2 Uncertain 4 96 -95 1 9
3 FC Tescticuladew 4 93 -87 6 7
4 Headless Chickens 4 72 -87 -15 3
5 KS West Green 4 93 -130 -37 1

Team Panda’s 23-point lead over Lokomotiv Leeds and better goal difference in group C could prove decisive if Dynamo can’t negotiate what’s turned into a tricky fixture to ISIL.

How the Dynamo manager must be thinking of easy his life would have been if he hadn’t released Defoe in favour of Martial in October. Since the transfer window, the Englishman (53) is now outscoring the Frenchman (44).

Dynamo Charlton 19 17 ISIL
Lokomotiv Leeds 11 34 Team Panda
Group C
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Lokomotiv Leeds 4 89 -80 9 9
2 Dynamo Charlton 4 92 -77 15 9
3 Team Panda 4 110 -92 18 6
4 Bala Rinas 4 88 -103 -15 6
5 ISIL 4 82 -109 -27 0

Group D revolves around the nail-biting tie between cup holders Cowley Casuals and trophyless Thieving Magpies. Whoever wins will make it into the quarter finals.

Contrary to the information below, Northern Monkeys currently qualify on goal difference over Wandsworth Network Solutions.

Thieving Magpies

Cowley Casuals 14 13
Judean People’s Front 17 31 Northern Monkeys
Group D
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Cowley Casuals 4 69 -67 2 9
2 Wandsworth Network Solutions 4 112 -99 13 7
3 Northern Monkeys 4 97 -81 16 7
4 Thieving Magpies 4 73 -68 5 6
5 Judean People’s Front 4 74 -110 -36 0
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JPF case against Kenna over conditions to be heard in mid table

MASS murderer lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager’s court case against the Kenna League over his mid-table conditions, which he likens to torture, will take place in mid table, a court has ruled.

The Anders Breivik doppleganger, which was first called in April 2012, regularly dons tweed and a Tyrolean hat to kill pheasants in shooting assaults because he is opposed to their multiculturalism.

He has complained repeatedly about being mid table, which he argues is a violation of his human rights, especially since he has the in-form duo of Ross Barkley and Toby Alderweireld in his side.

Kenna HQ had proposed holding the trial in mid table, and the Breivik lookalike’s lawyer agreed to the idea.

“Practical considerations justify that the case be heard between sixth and tenth league positions, where Judean Peoples’ Front have spent the last 17 weeks,” the Kenna HQ ruled on Monday.

The mid-table conditions could be more closely studied on site, it added.

On 8 August 2015, the faux Norwegian signed 11 players at a fantasy football auction in the Hoops and Grapes pub in central London, and saw his side go top in the first week of the season before falling away.

Despite Julian Speroni not making a single appearance, and disappointing performances from Santi Cazorla, Ander Herrera, Papiss Cisse and Jay Rodriguez, the manager failed to attend October’s transfer window to make new signings.

In a report published in November, chalk stripes in the Kenna speculations department said the Breivik ringer’s consistent grumbling while failing to engage in league activities made him “look less like a mass murderer and more like a massive twat”.

Narcozep Cup – results

Carles 24 – 29 Hairy Fadjeetas
Young Boys 22 – 17 Real Threat
Uncertain 20 – 19 FC Tescticuladew
Newington Reds 33 – 31 KS West Green
Dynamo Charlton 33 – 15 Bala Rinas
Lokomotiv Leeds 29 – 15 ISIL
Cowley Casuals 15 – 25 Wandsworth Network Solutions
Judean People’s Front 15 – 22 Thieving Magpies

Narcozep Cup group standings

Narcozep Cup group standings 12 January 2016
Narcozep Cup group standings 12 January 2016

Kenna table – week 20

Kenna table week 20 - 12 January 2016
Kenna table week 20 – 12 January 2016

Weekly scores

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Captian Morgan magic mocks myopic managers

EYEBROWS were raised at Kenna HQ today when it emerged unsigned defender Wes Morgan put in the performance of the week.

Surely someone’s already bought him, double-taked chalk stripes in the speculations department? It turns out they haven’t.

No matter what your predictions of Leicester City’s chances back in the August auction, the club captain who made 40 appearances last season would surely be a good bargain basement punt.

But while Mahrez, Schlupp, Schmeichel, Ulloa, Huth and Fuchs were all Foxes to be snapped up, managers deemed the Jamaican – who made five appearances on loan at Kidderminster Harriers in 2002 – surplus to requirements. More of Vardy’s omission later.

This week Morgan brought his points total to a rum 58. That’s a little more than three points a week. As research proved a couple of years ago, if all eleven players in a team scored three points a week, that manager would go on to win the Kenna.

Which begs the question: given chances in both August and October to buy such a solid player as Wes Morgan, which managers passed them both up?

The most glaring answer is the Headless Chickens manager, whose decision to buy Sergio Ramos before the season only to stick with them at the window has already been the subject of ridicule.

Others ruefully looking at their auction back four include the managers of ‘Pies (Kyle Naughton, 19 points all season), Panda (Steven Caulker, 11 points), Bala Rinas (Jolean Lescott, 7) and the FC Testiculadew manager (Gael Clichy, 2).

Come the transfer window in October managers were so busy gazing at Jamie Vardy’s £31m signing by Hairy Fadjeetas, Morgan slipped through the net. Big mistake.

The Lokomotiv Leeds manager released Christian Fuchs in favour of Allan Nyom. Fuchs had only scored two points in as many months, but since the window has scored 4.5 points a week. Nyom is averaging 3.75.

But what got the chalk stripes really howling today was the curious decision making of the Northern Monkeys manager.

Firstly, Per Mertesacker had only scored four points by the window, so selling him to Hairy Fadjeetas for £0.5m to fund Russell Martin’s signature seemed like good business.

Form is fickle. The German has been marching along at 3.4 points a week for Fadges. Martin has only scored at 1.4 since October.

Secondly, the Northern Monkeys manager’s wisdom dictated in the wake of scoring an own goal Kasper Schmeichel be released in favour of Boaz Myhill.

Since moving to Walthamstow Reds for £0.5m, Schmeichel (3.6) has been scoring a full point a week more than Monkey’s new goalkeeper (2.6).

And Monkeys paid £9m for Myhill!


Narcozep Cup – fixtures

Just Put Carles v Hairy Fadjeetas
Young Boys v Real Threat
Uncertain v FC Testiculadew
Newington Reds v KS West Green
Dynamo Charlton v Bala Rinas
Lokomotiv Leeds v ISIL
Cowley Casuals v Wandsworth Network Solutions
Judean Peoples’ Front v Thieving Magpies

Kenna table – week 19

Kenna table week 19 - 5 January 2016
Kenna table week 19 – 5 January 2016

The Rub

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 KS West Green Stix 43 2
2 Dynamo Charlton Alex 41 2
3 Newington Reds Ben D 41 1
4 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 39 1
5 Carles Carles 36 1
6 Team Panda George 33 1
7 FC Tescticuladew James N 32 0
8 Thieving Magpies Phil 32 0
9 Headless Chickens John N 29 1
10 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 29 0
11 Pikey Scum Jack 28 2
12 Uncertain Pete B 27 1
13 Cowley Casuals Stu 27 0
14 Judean People’s Front Sholto 26 1
15 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 23 1
16 Young Boys Andrew D 22 0
17 Northern Monkeys Hugo 20 0
18 ISIL Abdi 19 0
19 Bala Rinas Lewis 18 0
Points Player
Player of the week 14 Morgan, W – LEI – DEF
Club Unsigned
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Bullets in the post

THE Kenna chairman has stepped up his personal security detail after setting managers the challenge of sending him the best death threat.

A missive from Kenna HQ was sent to managers this week reminding them the second transfer window will take place on Friday 5 February and asking them to send in their players to be released ‘in the form of a death threat…in order to claim the £10m transfer bonus’.

‘Merit will be awarded for creativity and menace,’ read the communique. ‘The best death threats will be featured on the blog.’

Over the last few seasons it has become traditional for managers to make their transfer submissions by post to Kenna HQ to claim a £10m boost to their war chests for the window.

Some managers struggled to comprehend the curious new instruction. The boss of league leaders Young Boys immediately replied to ask ‘is there an added bonus if any of us actually kill you?’

There were big shifts in the league this week. More mesmerising movement from Mesut Oezil saw Walthamstow Reds move up to second in the table at the expense of the treasurer’s side Bala Rinas. It was welcome a outcome for the overexposed Reds manager.

At the other end of the league, a performance of the week from Marko Arnautovic helped ISIL move from the bottom of the table.

ISIL’s Somali manager was moved to make the most phonetically-challenged tweet of 2015.

The Austrian winger is rumoured to have already registered the trademark ‘R-0’.

Kenna table – week 18

Kenna table week 18 - 29 December 2015
Kenna table week 18 – 29 December 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 71 3
2 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 64 2
3 Cowley Casuals Stu 63 2
4 FC Tescticuladew James N 56 1
5 Team Panda George 56 0
6 Headless Chickens John N 55 3
7 Newington Reds Ben D 54 2
8 Young Boys Andrew D 51 2
9 KS West Green Stix 51 1
10 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 49 1
11 Pikey Scum Jack 48 3
12 Dynamo Charlton Alex 44 2
13 Northern Monkeys Hugo 44 2
14 Judean People’s Front Sholto 43 1
15 ISIL Abdi 38 2
16 Thieving Magpies Phil 38 0
17 Bala Rinas Lewis 35 0
18 Carles Carles 33 2
19 Uncertain Pete B 18 0
Points Player
Player of the week 20 Arnautovic, M – STO – MID
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Chairman to refer to ‘moments of darkness’ in Christmas speech

THE Kenna chairman will refer to finding hope in ‘moments of darkness’, during his annual Christmas Day address.

It comes after a year which has seen a number of upsetting incidents, such as Fred ‘The Weatherman’ Talbot’s introduction to the league, the Adam Johnson hotel room scandal and the abduction of pundit Mark Bright.

The chairman will describe the festive period as “a time to remember all that we have to be thankful for now silent bidding has been successfully introduced into the August auction“.

This year’s message, produced by ITN, will be broadcast on television and radio at 15:00 GMT.

The chairman will say during his broadcast: “It is true that the Kenna has had to confront moments of darkness this year, but the Gospel of John contains a verse of great hope, often read at Christmas carol services: ‘The light shines in the darkness, and tactical Brambling has not overcome it’.”

Another masterful display from Riyad Mahrez saw Young Boys go 76 points clear at the top of the table for Christmas.

Narcozep Cup results

Real Threat 19 – 26 Pikey Scum
Young Boys 23 – 32 Hairy Fadjeetas
KS West Green 19 – 33 Headless Chickens
Newington Reds 29 – 31 FC Tescticuladew
ISIL 25 – 35 Team Panda
Lokomotiv Leeds 18 – 16 Bala Rinas
Thieving Magpies 14 – 19 Northern Monkeys
Judean People’s Front 29 – 36 Wandsworth Network Solutions

Narcozep Cup group standings

Narcozep Cup group standings - 22 December 2015

Kenna table – week 17

Kenna table week 17 - 22 December 2015
Kenna table week 17 – 22 December 2015

Weekly scores

Week 17 scores - 22 December 2015

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