The Imitation Kenna

THE chairman stared at the screen and frowned.

He was in the habit of receiving emails from managers on all sorts of matters. The boss of Young Boys complaining about the new cup format. The treasurer complaining about the level of expenses coming out of the league reptile fund. The Still Don’t Know Yet manager complaining about the car containing two heavy set men parked outside his Singapore address for the last week.

These were mere day-to-day bagatelle, bread and butter for a football administrator of 10 years’ standing. In comparison this latest development was a real conundrum, the type to make Richard Whitely bristle with excitement. Even now.

The chairman could only stare at the email from the FC Testiculadew manager. After 20 minutes, in need of inspiration, he clicked print and went to the Kenna HQ roofgarden to muse.

Outside a couple of chalkstripes from the speculations department were coming to the end of a three-martini lunch. They were in heated discussion about whether Gary Glitter would be more effective as a midfielder or a striker.

Upon seeing the chairman, both men abandoned their drinks, gave the accepted salute and retreated inside.

Alone to think, the chairman took a seat and puzzled over the Garamond 11 characters on the page. For all the sense they made they may as well have been in Dingbats.

I’m often mystified by the ways of Mourinho, i have to confess.
I’ve read with great worry the activities of the Welsh, maybe now is the time for all good Englishmen, Geordies and Somalis to act, (the Somalis are noted for there distaste of the Welsh)
I stand ready to assist in any way

The chairman was sure the FCT boss was up to something underhand. He had to be, by Jove! His form for exploiting every league rule and regulation out there made the communication smell worse than the Fat Ladies rear guard on a muggy afternoon.

But just what in the name of Bramble’s bejabbers was the fellow up to now?

Of course, the rules were not perfect. The many checks and balances put in since the tactical Brambling affair, an episode entirely contrived by the FCT manager, had done nothing but paper over the cracks. The forfeit procedure couldn’t stand up to closer scrutiny, and that’s why he couldn’t raise membership fees without causing a backlash.

The in absentia bidding rules were also flawed. How else could the FCT boss not turn up to the pre-season auction, be given leftover players and now find himself seventh in the league? Torres, Podolski, Fellaini. The utter dross with which he had started the season. And now he was only a couple of good weeks from a European place. It beggared belief.

He looked at the email again. Taken on face value it was straightforward. In the first line the FCT manager admits the Juan Cuadrado signature at the second transfer window was a gamble yet, and unlikely, to bear fruit. Next he makes reference to recent reports about gun-toting Welsh crackpots taking over the league (the chairman reminded himself to drop into the manager experiences department later for the latest surveillance report).

Continuing to study the words he was stumped. Geordies? There were no Geordies among league managers any more. What did they have to do with Kenna HQ? And why was the word Somalis used twice?

The chairman stared at the last line: ‘assist in any way’. He scribbled an anagram: Taiwan any sissy. What could it all mean?

Throwing down the confounded riddle, he snapped his fingers and ordered Madeira wine. Finishing his second glass he suddenly remembered a film he had watched on a recent flight.

A group of well-spoken crossword buffs won Britain the war because a girl had broken her landlady’s rigid curfew.

Wait! They had built a big machine to decipher the code.

He pulled out his phone and hit speed dial for his personal assistant.

“Mavis? Set up a meeting with Benedict Cumberbatch.” He rang off.

A wry smile on his lips, the chairman picked up his fifth glass of Madeira. He would soon get to the bottom of this.

Cup news

A riveting week in the Go For Broke Cup…

Go For Broke Cup semi final first leg results

Judean Peoples’ Front 0 – 0 KS West Green

Hoxton Pirates 0 – 0 Fat Ladies

This week’s fixtures – Go For Broke Cup semi final second leg

KS West Green (0) v (0) Judean Peoples’ Front

Fat Ladies (0) v (0) Hoxton Pirates

Kenna table – week 32

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 32 - 21 April 2015
Kenna week 32 – 21 April 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 36 2
2 Dynamo Charlton Alex 29 1
3 Bala Rinas Lewis 26 2
4 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 26 1
5 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 23 1
6 Young Boys Denney 23 0
7 KS West Green Stix 22 0
8 St Reatham FC Mike 21 0
9 Headless Chickens John N 19 0
10 Cowley Casuals Stu 18 1
11 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 17 1
12 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 16 1
13 Team Panda Rules OK George 16 1
14 Pikey Scum Jack 16 1
15 FC Tescticuladew James N 16 1
16 Just Put Carles Carles 16 1
17 Piedmonte Phil 13 0
18 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 13 0
19 Judean People’s Front Sholto 12 0
20 Fat Ladies Ted 11 0
Points Player
Player of the week 12 Sanchez, A – ARS – STR
Club Sporting Lesbian
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Kenna invaded by ‘gun toting final solution crackpots’

THE top four of London’s leading pub-based fantasy football league is being overrun by right-wing reactionary Welshmen, according to organisers.

The chairman of the Kenna League said the top flight’s top flight had been invaded by ‘gun toting final solution crackpots’ from across the border.

“That Taff bloke who resembles the Scandy [sic]. Yeah, him. He’s a menace. What’s he doing in the top four again? He couldn’t manage his way out of a wetsuit,” said the chairman.

It is thought the comments were aimed at the Judean Peoples’ Front manager, who looks like steering his side to a second consecutive top four finish. He also looks like Norwegian mass murderer Anders Behring Breivik.

Photographed a few days ago sporting a Tyrolean hat, shotgun and the notorious ‘summer camp stare’ (above), the JPF boss claimed to have been responsible for the death of more than six million ‘cosmopolitan’ pheasants.

In the league, his strike rate has not been as impressive. A front two of Diafra Sakho and Nikica Jelavic have seen the goals dry up in recent weeks, but consistent if unremarkable industry across his starting eleven has put the club in third place.

Managed by the Kenna treasurer – another Welshman – Bala Rinas sit just behind in fourth.

The JPF manager will be hoping the finale doesn’t turn into a repeat of 12 months ago, when having occupied third for 13 successive weeks he was leapfrogged by the Bala Rinas manager in the penultimate round of the season.

Immediately after the end of the season Samir Nasri and an ill-timed visit to the lavatory at the second transfer window were blamed by the JPF boss for this misfortune.

The Breivik lookalike claims while he was on the throne pinching one off the Bala Rinas  manager was pinching the signature of the petulant Frenchman.

Full scores and tables available from The Rub.

Canesten Combi Cup quarter final second leg results

Team Panda Rules OK 1 (4) – 1 (1) Pikey Scum

Cowley Casuals 3 (3) – 1 (2) Walthamstow Reds

Just Put Carles 2 (2) – 0 (4) Dynamo Charlton

Hairy Fadjeetas 0 (1) – 5 (5) FC Testicualdew

Semi final first leg fixtures – Tuesday 5 May

Team Panda Rules OK v Cowley Casuals

Dynamo Charlton v FC Testiculadew

Semi final second leg fixtures – Tuesday 12 May

Cowley Casuals v Team Panda Rules OK

FC Testiculadew v Dynamo Charlton

Final – Tuesday 26 May

Go For Broke Cup (least goals wins)

Semi final first leg – Tuesday 21 April

Judean Peoples’ Front (Group/Pool A last place) v KS West Green (Group/Pool B last place)

Hoxton Pirates (Group/Pool C last place) v Fat Ladies (Group/Pool D last place)

Semi final second leg – Tuesday 28 April

KS West Green v Judean Peoples’ Front

Fat Ladies v Hoxton Pirates

Final – Tuesday 19 May

Kenna table – week 31

Kenna week 31 - 14 April 2015
Kenna week 31 – 14 April 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 FC Tescticuladew James N 46 5
2 Young Boys Denney 41 2
3 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 41 1
4 Cowley Casuals Stu 36 3
5 KS West Green Stix 36 2
6 Team Panda Rules OK George 34 1
7 Fat Ladies Ted 32 2
8 Judean People’s Front Sholto 32 0
9 St Reatham FC Mike 31 2
10 Bala Rinas Lewis 28 1
11 Just Put Carles Carles 26 2
12 Piedmonte Phil 25 1
13 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 24 0
14 Dynamo Charlton Alex 24 0
15 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 22 1
16 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 21 2
17 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 20 1
18 Headless Chickens John N 14 0
19 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 9 0
20 Pikey Scum Jack 7 0
Points Player
Player of the week 30 Benteke, C – AVL – STR
Club FC Tescticuladew
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Shooting sweet

AS the van stopped it jerked him awake.

He had no idea for how long he’d been out. The buzzing pain in his head felt like it had been hit hard.

Slowly he opened his eyes. Darkness. The smell of dusty wood and oil. And was that icing sugar?

The back door of the van was thrown open and country air flooded in. He tried to sit up but realised with an ache his hands and ankles were bound tightly. There was a sack over his head.

He heard a step on the metal tailgate and then his hands were grabbed behind him. Emitting a yelp as he was yanked along the floor of the van and roughly pulled off onto wet grass.

A pair of large hands picked him up by the armpits and dragged him backwards a few yards. He tried to resist, but it was useless and his feet slid harmlessly through the sod. He was too tired and dehydrated to put up a fight against someone who was certainly so strong. In a few moments he was tied to a large tree. He felt the rough bark on his hands.

“What do you want?” he rasped. His throat was sandpaper.

Ignored, he was about to ask again when the sack was whipped off his head. He squinted into the light and eventually made out one door standing open on the back of a dirty white van. The only evidence a numberplate and the words ‘Turbo Daily’ on the closed door. There was no one to be seen in the isolated countryside.

Then he looked down. His heart skipped a beat.

Standing just in front of him was a metal frame holding a small chair and a mechanical arm. The end of the arm was extended to within five inches of his groin.

“Get comfortable, manager,” said a deep French accent in his ear. There was particular Gallic disdain on the last word. He froze.

The stranger moved into view. He was well built, bald and African. He was also familiar, but he couldn’t place him.

“You’ve been sent by the department, haven’t you?” he said, trying to get tough in spite of his disadvantage. He knew Kenna HQ was behind this little game. He wouldn’t be intimidated, even if his captor looked like he could pin a tiger inside three rounds.

“You don’t remember me do you, manager?” the disdain was there again. He could remember the face, but from where he was stumped.

The African continued: “In the 2009-2010 season, you paid £3m for a striker, but you let him go because you said he ‘couldn’t shoot’. You insisted he did not deserve to play even for Timbuktu, manager.”

His heart sank. He should have known straight away. The Staffordshire numberplate. The West African patois. The smell of pastry. It was his former player Mamady Sidibie.

“You scored two goals all season,” he couldn’t help retorting. He checked himself. Big Mama was not interested.

Sidibie fetched a wooden crate from the van and seated himself on the contraption. He reached forward and slowly pulled back the arm, the spring creaking. From the crate he took a pastry. It looked like it was once a delicious apple turnover, but was now clearly well past its sell-by date.

“The French pastry business is not so good, manager,” said the Malian. “It turns out people in Stoke would rather go to Greggs. Who would have guessed?”

Before he could offer any response, Sidibie pulled a small string on the device and it flinged the bichon au citron into his genitals at over 40mph.

In the split second between initial shock and crushing agony, he could only contemplate another trophyless season.

After a couple of minutes Sidibie stood up and came face to face. “You know why you’re here, manager, so you know I will keep firing stale pastries until you convince me I do otherwise.”

Big Mama picked up a mouldy pain au raisin and reloaded the trap.

Canesten Combi Cup – quarter final first leg results

Pikey Scum 1 – 3 Team Panda Rules OK

Walthamstow Reds 1 – 0 Cowley Casuals

Dynamo Charlton 4 – 0 Just Put Carles

FC Testicualdew 0 – 1 Hairy Fadjeetas

Kenna table – week 30

Full scores and tables are available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 30 - 7 April 2015
Kenna table week 30 – 7 April 2015
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Fadges fingered in cup probe

THE manager of Hairy Fadjeetas could lose his place on the Kenna League committee after an inquiry into amended cup fixtures found he was trying to undermine the chairman.

Investigations into whether Kenna HQ was right to amend Canesten Combi Cup fixtures at short notice unearthed damning evidence linked to the Fadges boss.

Aided by a specialist team from the league’s manager experiences department, the inquiry raided the committee member’s office at the club’s Bikini Lane ground on Friday night and found a black box stuffed with detailed plans to topple the Kenna leadership by fomenting discontent among managers.

Frogmarched from the premises in Y-fronts and a Sheffield Wednesday Carlton Palmer shirt, and into the back of a league Bedford Rascal, the Yorkshireman said: “It’s a plant. You won’t lock me out the cockpit!” before being winded by a truncheon blow to the torso.

He is being held in the Kenna HQ ‘Frtizl Suite’ on charges of perverting the course of fantasy football.

The chairman said: “When I promised an open and transparent investigation into the cup fixtures I had no idea such pernicious activity was going on right under my nose, and by God I should have noticed sooner because it turns out those Hairy Fadjeetas really smell.

“Needless to say, we will explore every last inch of these Fadges, and no matter how hard it gets we’ll keep pummelling away until we go as deep as we can.

“I can’t promise it’s not going to get messy. We’re going to be squeezing every last drop of sedition out of our members, so it could get sticky. Some people may end up with something on their faces. But afterwards we’ll have thoroughly washed our hands.”

The Hairy Fadjeetas manager shot to league favour ahead of the 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe Euros, when his witty live social media reporting of the auction saw him join the committee as director of wry tweets.

However, his light has faded at Kenna HQ ever since the abortive attempt to live blog the 2014 Emerson World Cup auction. Over recent months he has cut a remote figure at league headquarters.

Kenna HQ gazers believe the chairman is using the cup fixture inquiry to purge the committee and strengthen his own position by eliminating threats to his totalitarianism.

The chairman’s biggest critic, the Young Boys manager, is still missing. He was last seen with Mamady Sidibe getting into a dark Mercedes thought to belong the manager experiences department.

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KENNA managers have stepped up their personal security detail after the league announced it would launch an inquiry into the latest Canesten Combi Cup fiasco.

The review is being made in response to allegations by Young Boys after the side was knocked out of the cup last 16 stage on away goals.

The Young Boys manager believes the cup rules are flawed and disagrees with a last-minute fixture change which saw his team eliminated.

An ‘open and transparent’ inquiry was announced this morning by the chairman, but many Kenna managers fear it will lead to another round of intimidation and oppression by Kenna HQ’s manager experiences department.

With a reputation for brutality, the manager experiences department is thought to be little more than a means for the chairman to impose his total will on dissident members of the league.

Rumours abound of the department’s unscrupulous cruelty. Nocturnal abductions and underground carpark beatings are commonplace.

More recently the department has taken to using former footballers to carry out orders. Managers to express negative sentiment about the league leadership have reported waking up trapped on a spa break with Robbie Savage or with the barrel of Michael Ballack’s Mauser thrust into their mouth.

Some even believe this latest inquiry could lead to a purge of the league committee.

“These are simply rumours spread by enemies of the league. The inquiry will be open and transparent and seek to understand what improvements can be made to the Canesten Combi Cup for next season,” said the chairman, before confirming any cup results to date will be not be overturned.

The Young Boys manager was unavailable for comment. No one at the club has seen him since he got into a black Mercedes outside the ground yesterday.

Full team and individual scores are available at The Rub.

Kenna table – week 29 of 37

Kenna table week 29 - 24 March 2015
Kenna table week 29 – 24 March 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Bala Rinas Lewis 40 3
2 Team Panda Rules OK George 36 3
3 Judean People’s Front Sholto 35 2
4 Dynamo Charlton Alex 34 4
5 St Reatham FC Mike 33 2
6 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 32 1
7 Cowley Casuals Stu 32 0
8 Pikey Scum Jack 29 1
9 Just Put Carles Carles 26 1
10 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 25 2
11 Fat Ladies Ted 25 0
12 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 24 1
13 KS West Green Stix 23 0
14 Young Boys Denney 21 1
15 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 21 1
16 Headless Chickens John N 15 0
17 FC Tescticuladew James N 14 0
18 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 13 0
19 Piedmonte Phil 12 1
20 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 11 0
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Kane, H – TOT – STR
Club Dynamo Charlton
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Young Boys set to throw toys out of pram

KENNA HQ has battoned down the hatches in preparation for an onslaught of complaints from the Young Boys manager after his side were knocked out of the Canesten Combi Cup.

Young Boys could only register a 1-1 draw at home to Just Put Carles last weekend, JPC defender Joel Ward cancelling out George Boyd’s strike.

After a goalless first leg the Catalan manager went through at the expense of Young Boys on the away goals rule.

A long-term critic of the Canesten Combi Cup’s revamped system, where goals scored in a week are counted rather than points, the Young Boys manager is expected to turn the Kenna’s social media feeds blue.

A decision by Kenna HQ to move the last 16 first leg back a week is anticipated to upset the Young Boys manager further. His side would have sauntered through to the quarter finals had the fixture not been rearranged.

Returning from business in south east Asia last night, the chairman said to waiting press at Gatwick Airport: “It looks like it’ll be another case of sour grapes from the Young Boys manager, who is likely to go without a trophy for a fourth consecutive season.”

Probed further about what he was doing in Thailand on league expenses, the chairman could neither confirm nor deny whether it was linked to Young Boys.

Canesten Combi Cup last 16 – second leg results

Pikey Scum 1 (1) – St Reatham 0 (0)

Team Panda Rules OK 1 (2) – Still Don’t Know Yet 0 (1)

Walthamstow Reds 1 (4) – Bala Rinas 2 (2)

Headless Chickens 0 (0) – Cowley Casuals 1 (1)

Lokomotiv Leeds 0 (0) – Dynamo Charlton 0 (0) Dynamo win 29 – 20 on points scored in second week

Young Boys 1 (1) – Just Put Carles 1 (1) JPC win on away goals

FC Testiculadew 2 (4) – Sporting Lesbian 0 (0)

Hairy Fadjeetas 1 (2) – Piedmonte 0 (1)

Canesten Combi Cup quarter final first leg fixtures – Tuesday 7 April

Pikey Scum v Team Panda Rules OK

Walthamstow Reds v Cowley Casuals

Dynamo Charlton v Just Put Carles

FC Testicualdew v Hairy Fadjeetas

Second leg on Tuesday 14 April

Kenna table – week 28 of 37

Kenna table week 28 - 17 March 2015
Kenna table week 28 – 17 March 2015
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Bridget Jones Island

On the eastern edge of the Andaman Sea, a tropical island sustains one of earth’s most fascinating species.

The local population is supplemented each winter by visitors from the northern hemisphere. A small group of these migrants are male and female couples, sometimes accompanied by infant offspring, but they are far outnumbered by their fellow Europeans: the Bridget Jones.

Occasionally roaming the island in pairs or groups of four, the Bridget Jones is more commonly found in threes. 

Whether in public feeding areas or basking in the afternoon sun on a sandy coastline, these trios are instantly recognisable by their sensible tanning practices and somber social interaction.

It is thought their downturned demeanour stems from having reached the twilight of their prime with a catalogue of failed attempts at mating both in their domestic habitat and their travels.

Available male migrants on the island are deemed unsuitable by the Bridget Jones. Older, overweight and observed to be operating alone,  the male appears wholly interested by members of the local populous considered far too young to be socially acceptable in their home environment.

Even deep into happy hour, spirits among the groups of Bridget Jones appear unnaturally low despite the warm climate and their lean physique.

Return flights to Thailand start at £450.

Canesten Combi Cup last 16 – first leg results

St Reatham FC 0 – 0 Pikey Scum

Still Don’t Know Yet 1 – 1Team Panda Rules OK

Bala Rinas 0 – 3 Walthamstow Reds

Cowley Casuals 0 – 0 Headless Chickens

Dynamo Charlton 0 – 0 Lokomotiv Leeds

Just Put Carles 0 – 0 Young Boys

Sporting Lesbian 0 – 2 FC Testiculadew

Piedmonte 1 – 1 Hairy Fadjeetas

Weekly scores and Kenna table

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A hotel room somewhere in the north of England

EXCITEMENT coursed through her body as he closed the door.

She turned in the middle of the room to face him. The skin felt taut against her clothes as the goosebumps swept over her. This was going to be it.

The evening had been a slow, lovely, enchanting build up to this point. He’d taken her to an expensive bar where they sipped champagne and talked about her day and her life. As boring as she thought it was, his interest had made it so exhilerating. At one time he gently touched her hand when telling a joke and her stomach turned a somersault. It took every effort to maintain composure.

Afterwards they went to an Italian restaurant where the chicken had tasted so different to Nandos. As she ate she eyed him coquettishly while he quietly looked back. His eyes were as tender as the chicken and it was soon afterwards, between the main course and the banana split, she had felt her body, felt her soul, give over to him.

Now in the room her senses heightened as he bent forward to kiss her on the lips. A warm, fluttering feeling began to swirl deep inside her. She thought she was going to faint.

Their kissing became longer and more instense. His hands took her by the hips and pushed up the flimsy dress bit by bit. No one had ever touched her like this before. So firm. So gentle. She put her hands around his neck and let his tongue explore her mouth before moving his head back to help the dress over her head. She stood in nothing but black underwear and high heels. The air of the room tingled against her naked flesh. Her eyes were wide with anticipation.

“Take off your bra,” he commanded. It had been the first thing he said since leaving the restaurant. His voice was brusque and edgy, but by now she trusted him completely. She quivered before reaching behind her back and feeling for the clip. His eyes widened as the material came away to reveal her hard, throbbing…..

All of sudden there was a loud knocking at the door. His head snapped around and he tensed. When someone the other side shouted his name over and over again, his shoulders relaxed in recognition.

He motioned to her to hide in the bathroom. Once she closed the door she heard him let the stranger into the room. The newcomer whispered in harsh tones before both their voices raised. There was a short commotion before the bathroom door was flung open to reveal a tall man of fair complexion. She felt so small and cheap. She wanted to cry. The intruder examined her briefly before turning to her date.

“For God’s sake, Adam,” hissed the ginger. “Get her dressed and get her in a taxi home. We’ve got a Canesten Combi Cup fixture this week.”

Canesten Combi Cup last 16 first leg fixtures

St Reatham FC v Pikey Scum

Still Don’t Know Yet v Team Panda Rules OK

Bala Rinas v Walthamstow Reds

Cowley Casuals v Headless Chickens

Dynamo Charlton v Lokomotiv Leeds

Just Put Carles v Young Boys

Sporting Lesbian v FC Testiculadew

Piedmonte v Hairy Fadjeetas

Kenna table – week 26 of 37

Full scores are available at The Rub.

Kenna table week 26 - 3 March 2015
Kenna table week 26 – 3 March 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 39 3
2 Team Panda Rules OK George 34 1
3 FC Tescticuladew James N 28 2
4 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 26 1
5 Judean People’s Front Sholto 22 1
6 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 22 0
7 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 19 0
8 Pikey Scum Jack 19 0
9 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 17 1
10 Piedmonte Phil 16 1
11 Dynamo Charlton Alex 16 0
12 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 16 0
13 KS West Green Stix 15 0
14 St Reatham FC Mike 14 0
15 Cowley Casuals Stu 14 0
16 Young Boys Denney 12 0
17 Fat Ladies Ted 12 0
18 Bala Rinas Lewis 10 0
19 Just Put Carles Carles 10 0
20 Headless Chickens John N 7 0
Points Player
Player of the week 12 Rooney, W – MUN – STR
Club Walthamstow Reds
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Ping pong praise for league integrity

Purple Ping Pong Paddle

MANAGERS have come out in universal admiration of the Kenna chairman’s probity after he admitted to an error that lost him star striker Sergio Aguero, according to the chairman.

Plaudits flowed in club press conferences following news last week the chairman’s side KS West Green would start every game for the rest of the season with disgraced former weatherman Fred Talbot up front.

The Young Boys manager was an unlikely candidate to lead the praise.

“He phoned the day after the announcement to personally congratulate me on my integrity,” said the chairman. “It was nice of him to take time out from his busy table tennis schedule in Bangkok.”

The managers of Still Don’t Know Yet, Hairy Fadjeetas and Walthamstow Reds were also fulsome in their recognition of the chairman’s decision to come clean about the Aguero Bramble, read a league press release.

No managers were available for comment.

In Canesten Combi Cup, the last 16 draw will be broadcast live on Twitter from a pub this Friday lunchtime.

All the latest scores and tables are available from The Rub.

Kenna table – week 25 of 37

Kenna table week 25 - 24 February 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 36 3
2 Judean People’s Front Sholto 34 2
3 Young Boys Denney 31 2
4 Headless Chickens John N 27 1
5 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 27 0
6 Bala Rinas Lewis 26 1
7 Cowley Casuals Stu 26 0
8 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 23 1
9 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 21 1
10 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 21 1
11 Pikey Scum Jack 21 0
12 Dynamo Charlton Alex 20 2
13 FC Tescticuladew James N 20 1
14 Fat Ladies Ted 20 0
15 Just Put Carles Carles 20 0
16 St Reatham FC Mike 18 0
17 Piedmonte Phil 18 0
18 KS West Green Stix 17 1
19 Team Panda Rules OK George 15 1
20 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 3 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Silva, D – MCY – MID
Club Lokomotiv Leeds
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Kun Bramble blunder spells grim forecast

Fred Talbot Weather Map


Tumbleweed: The KS West Green manager said in a press conference this morning Talbot had the delicate touch he was looking for up front.

FRED ‘The Weatherman’ Talbot has joined KS West Green for the rest of the season after it turned out the manager forfeit Sergio Aguero in last weekend’s transfer window.

The chairman, who manages Klub Sportowej West Green, lost the South American forward after signing defender John Stones and striker Ayoze Peres for a combined fee of £14m last Saturday. It wasn’t discovered until a few days later the side had overspent his remaining budget by £3.5m.

Colourful jumper and man-made waterway fan Talbot was retrospectively drafted into the side as a striker under the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling.

This is the second time the chairman has waved cheerio to the Argentine talisman. When manager of Vasco De Beauvoir his side were made to start the 2012 campaign with wayward brawler Leeroy Lita in attack after losing Aguero ‘on a Bramble’ late in the auction.

“Nooooooooooooooooo!” said the chairman from behind a bottle of Red Label this morning. “It’s happened again! I started the window with £10.5m in the war chest and bought [John] Stones for what I thought was a couple of million.

“Somehow I then got locked in a bidding war for [Ayoze] Peres and ended up paying £8m. It wasn’t until charts and graphs sent through the updated teams a couple of days later I spotted I’d paid £6m for Stones. Being a model of integrity for the league I owned up straight away.”

Asked about KS West Green’s new acquisition in attack the chairman was remarkably upbeat.

“Fred’s a very personable guy and has already bonded really well with everyone at the club, particularly the youth team, who have all been to see his telescope. Once his CRB check comes through he’s taking them all up the canal.

“With the morale Talbot brings to the camp, even without Kun we’ll be pushing for a top four finish. I cannot see how things can go wrong.”

Vasco De Beauvoir were relegated from the Kenna League in 2012-13.

Full scores are available at The Rub.

Kenna table – week 24 out of 37

Kenna week 24 - 17 February 2015
Kenna week 24 – 17 February 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Cowley Casuals Stu 66 2
2 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 54 4
3 Judean People’s Front Sholto 48 2
4 KS West Green Stix 48 0
5 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 41 2
6 Dynamo Charlton Alex 39 1
7 Pikey Scum Jack 38 2
8 Young Boys Denney 36 1
9 Team Panda Rules OK George 35 4
10 FC Tescticuladew James N 35 2
11 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 33 0
12 Headless Chickens John N 31 1
13 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 30 0
14 Bala Rinas Lewis 28 0
15 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 23 1
16 Piedmonte Phil 21 1
17 St Reatham FC Mike 21 0
18 Fat Ladies Ted 18 2
19 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 16 1
20 Just Put Carles Carles 10 0
Points Player
Player of the week 24 Ideye, B – WBA – STR
Club Unsigned
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