50 shades of Sue Gray

SUE Gray will lead an inquiry into allegations the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league’s cup competition is corrupt.

The vice chairman and Thieving Magpies manager were stunned this week to find four rounds of the Covid Cup had already been played and they were both already knocked out. They have welcomed Sue Gray’s investigation.

“Sue Gray will absolutely find the Kenna chairman is rotten to the core, and Sue Gray will found out in the only way Sue Gray can,” said the vice chairman.

“If Sue Gray does what Sue Gray does best, the chairman will be found out for what he is: a lying, cheating administrator, and what he is not: Sue Gray.”

Top of Sue Gray’s to do list is uncovering why the Covid Cup scores were not published until this week even though the competition has been running since early December. The Thieving Magpies backed Sue Gray.

“When I lie awake at night trying to make sense of how both the chairman and the league treasurer are top of their respective cup groups, I think of Sue Gray,” said the Pies manager.

“If anyone can get the bottom of this, it’s Sue Gray. Anyone who knows Sue Gray will know Sue Gray will do everything possible in the most Sue Gray way Sue Gray can. Implicitly, I trust Sue Gray.”

Interviewed as he arrived at Kenna HQ this morning, the chairman said: “I don’t know why Sue Gray has been brought in, when clearly there’s nothing for Sue Gray to uncover.

“The cup scores are genuine so I’m more than happy for Sue Gray to look into it, because Sue Gray won’t find out what Sue Gray won’t find out. What Sue Gray will find out is the cup scores are above board. Above my board, above the league’s board, above the cup competition’s board, and most importantly of all above Sue Gray’s board.

“If I know Sue Gray like I know Sue Gray, then I know Sue Gray will bring everything Sue Gray has to the table. It’s known to those who know Sue Gray as ‘Full Sue Gray’, and I will happily bare all for full Sue Gray, or come to that half Sue Gray, third Sue Gray, quarter Sue Gray, or fifteenth Sue Gray.

“I’m simply concerned the vice chairman is using his long-running vendetta against me, the chairman, to bring in Sue Gray over a non-Sue Gray matter, which in all honesty will be a waste of time for me, a waste of time for the league, and crucially a waste of time for Sue Gray.”

Rumours abound Sue Gray will also investigate the league’s finances, and an alleged conspiracy between the chairman, the treasurer, and the Cuddington Reverse Cowboys boss to syphon manager subscriptions into an offshore Ponzi scheme which is invisible to anyone called Sue Gray.

“If Sue Gray wants to inspect our balance sheets, Sue Gray can bring all the financial knowledge Sue Gray has accumulated in the lifetime of Sue Gray, and Sue Gray will discover just one thing: our balance sheets balance to satisfaction of Sue Gray,” said the treasurer.

Sue Gray was unavailable for comment.

Kenna League week 18

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 18 – 11 January 2022

Covid Cup – group stage round four

Covid Cup – 11 January 2022
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‘Managerial talent poverty’ still rife in the Kenna

MANAGERIAL talent poverty is still rife in London pub-based fantasy football in 2022, according to a damning report released this week.

Published by a leading fantasy football charity the report titled ‘You’re shit, do you know you are?’ uses data science to pinpoint at least five managers in the Kenna League who despite years of competition are still ‘shit’.

Roland van Hauwermeiren, who was appointed director of the Kenna Foundation in 2018 with a glowing CV in the charity sector, said: “How can this still be happening in 2022? I honestly thought when I took this job any manager could win the Kenna and I’d just be helping them with their substance abuse issues – incidentally, I was also made promises about girls that haven’t been kept – but we still see managers struggling in the Kenna season after season.

“The league has been running for 17 years but time and again managers like Breivik and the Pirate come up short (it’s no wonder they’ve stopped paying their syndicate contributions…). Look at Walthamstow Reds, they’re evidence if you stick around long enough you’ll win.”

The Christmas period saw Molesey Massive extend their lead at the top of the Kenna over Dynamo Charlton, but with respective star players Mo Salah and Sadio Mane on duty in Africa for the next few weeks the opportunity is there for Joao Cancelo’s Walthamstow Reds pull back some points.

At the foot of the table, Young Boys are finding it almost as hard to get out of the relegation zone as Novak Djokovic is to get through Australian immigration. Shots in the arm needed all round.

Kenna League weeks 15 to 17

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna weeks 15 to 17 – 4 January 2022
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Bungling F1 suits: ‘Kenna our inspiration’

ADMINISTRATORS behind Sunday’s farcical finish to the Formula 1 season in Abu Dhabi have claimed they were inspired by the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league.

Accused of ‘making it up as they went along’ to snatch the world title from Lewis Hamilton on the last lap, the FIA defended their handling of a late safety car incident saying it was ‘Kenna League best practice’.

‘For me the best part of the Kenna auction is when league blazers argue over how to interpret the signing of an illegal player using the Titus Bramble forfeit process,’ said F1 Race Director Michael Masi.

‘Bramble regulations are written down somewhere, but these appear to be largely discarded in favour of an arbitrary and subjective ruling based on factors such as which player the manager could lose, how much they paid for him, past Kenna success, how far into the Gary Player they are, and whether it will send the vice chairman into a 10-minute rant.

‘When that safety car came out at the Yas Marina circuit I immediately knew I could ‘Give it the Bramble’,’said Masi.

The Kenna chairman welcomed Masi’s comments.

‘Leading sports administrators should always look to learn best practice from each other, it’s why we regularly enjoy a Zurich lunch at Kenna HQ while being wary of Yorkshiremen.’

The Kenna and the FIA have a rich shared history. While the 2008 Kenna auction took place at the Edgar Wallace on Essex Street, just around the corner FIA president Max Moseley won a case at the Royal Courts of Justice to the effect that even though he took part in a Nazi-themed orgy the newspapers shouldn’t have published it.

‘Max has been close to the heart of our list of Bramble forfeit players ever since,’ said the chairman.

Kenna League week 14

Kenna week 14 - 14 December 2021
Kenna week 14 – 13 December 2021
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Kenna auction ‘wasn’t a party’

Families of Covid victims have expressed outrage over reports the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league held a party in violation of social distancing restrictions.

Kenna HQ maintains the August auction was an ‘essential’ activity respecting Covid rules, but a photo of an obscene bar bill which emerged this week has drawn infuriated criticism.

‘The August auction was essential league business attended by only six managers in person. It certainly did not include cheese, wine, Christmas jumpers, or a Secret Santa. The fact it included countless pints of Neck Oil is neither here nor there,” guffawed the Kenna chairman at a press conference rehearsal.

Repeated denials a party took place have angered the public, many of whom have pointed out someone died from Covid for every time a manager signed an overpriced player.

With pressure mounting on the Kenna executive, the chairman was forced to send out a sacrificial lamb.

In a tearful address outside his London home this morning, the vice chairman said: “I will regret my decision not to attend the auction for the rest of my life.

“The British people have made immense sacrifices in the battle against Covid-19.

“To all of you who lost loved ones, endured intolerable loneliness and struggled with your businesses – I am sorry and this afternoon I have offered my resignation to the chairman.”

The Kenna HQ faithful broke ranks to condemn the league’s actions.

“Young people look to the Kenna League as a moral guide and the pinnacle of achievement on equal terms. Those young people have not only been led astray, they’ve been severely let down,” said Kenna Head of Child Safeguarding Ghislaine Maxwell.

Kenna League week 13

Kenna week 13 - 7 December 2021
Kenna week 13 – 7 December 2021

Kenna League week 12

Kenna week 12 – 1 December 2021

Kenna League week 11

Kenna week 11 – 24 November 2021
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Kenna commits to be net Bramble zero by 2050

THE world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league has pledged to eliminate Brambling by 2050.

The Kenna League plans to gradually reduce the number of times the Titus Bramble forfeit process is triggered at auctions and transfer windows over the next three decades, but many commentators believe the Kenna HQ leadership has bigger concerns.

‘Brambling is the number one threat to our society,’ said the Kenna chairman arriving at COP26 by private jet with a Red Arrows flypast.

While many Kenna League managers haven’t Brambled in years, one point politicians and activists in Glasgow can agree on is there are outliers who threaten the net Bramble zero 2050 target.

‘The Pirate shows up to every auction saying he’ll play with a straight bat before losing Alvaro Morata on a Bramble and Alexis Sanchez to a Bramble buyout clause. It’s just ‘blah blah blah’,’ said a Swedish protestor outside the conference.

There is considerable apprehension a major power with an opaque, paranoia-inducing regime has the potential to undermine the net zero commitment, but the Dark Lord claims his days of tactical Brambling are truly behind him.

Proposals to reduce Brambling in the Kenna by managers going substance abuse neutral by 2030 were laughed out of COP26 so hard several world leaders woke up.

Kenna League week 10

Kenna week 10 - 6 November 2021
Kenna week 10 – 6 November 2021
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Necrophiliac David Fuller admits assaulting ‘dead’ Kenna title hopes

A hospital worker who assaulted dozens of female corpses over a number of years also interfered with ‘dead’ Kenna title hopes.

David Fuller, 67, assaulted several doomed title challenges in the world’s leading fantasy football league over several seasons, Maidstone Crown Court heard.

Police who raided Fuller’s home found indecent images and videos of the hospital electrician abusing the PSV Mornington’s title hopes in May 2014, six months after the manager was sacked, and the Pirates’ title hopes in 2015 and 2020, in both those seasons the team finished last.

“Evidence shows he had particular interest in the assault of dead fantasy football title challenges,” prosecutor Duncan Atkinson QC said. 

“There were both photographs and videos which showed the defendant sexually abusing female corpses in the mortuaries of the two hospitals at which he worked, first the Kent and Sussex Hospital, where he worked full time from 1989, and then the Tunbridge Wells Hospital, to which he moved in 2010.

“The images and videos can be dated to a period that included his employment at both hospitals, and they show the defendant performing acts of sexual penetration on females of significantly varying ages. And some Kenna teams’ title hopes.”

David Fuller is set to be a priority Bramble player at the Kenna February transfer window.

The trail continues.

Kenna League week 9

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 9 - 2 November 2021
Kenna week 9 – 2 November 2021

Kenna League week 8

Kenna week 8 - 26 October 2021
Kenna week 8 – 26 October 2021
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Inside the chairman’s Kenna HQ

The old habits of secrecy haven’t left Kim Kuk-song.

It has taken weeks of discussions to get an interview with him, and he’s still worried about who might be listening. He wears dark glasses for the camera, and only two of our team know what we think is his real name.

Mr Kim spent 30 years working his way to the top ranks of Kenna League manager experiences department. The agency is the “eyes, ears, and brains of the Kenna chairman”, he says.

He claims he kept their secrets, sent former footballers to intimidate Kenna managers, and even built an illegal drugs-lab to stock the Kenna HQ executive toilet.

Now, the former senior colonel has decided to tell his story to the BBC. It’s the first time such a senior executive from Kenna HQ has given an interview to a major broadcaster.

Mr Kim was the “Kennaist of the Kenna”, he says in an exclusive interview. A loyal manager experiences servant.

But rank and loyalty do not guarantee your safety in Kenna HQ.

Cheerfully stolen from the BBC.

Kenna League week 7

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 7 - 5 October 2021
Kenna week 7 – 5 October 2021
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Cream top in spite of makeweight Kane

Clotted Cream First have topped the Kenna League for the first six weeks of the season despite carrying an out-of-sorts Harry Kane.

The England captain is the lowest points scorer in the Cream starting eleven with seven points, having returned just three starts and a substitute appearance.

The Cream boss will be happy to have paid just £7m for the striker after bidding to take part in a high stakes game of ‘The Harry Kane Challenge’, where two managers go head to head naming the starting 22 players of a certain match.

While Kane flounders, Cream have found form all over the team.

Edouard Mendy (£0.5m) is top scoring with 32 points, following by Bruno Fernandes (£22m) with 30, Raphinha (£28m) with 28, Youri Tielemens (£9m) with 27, and Tyrone Mings (£0.5m) with 25.

‘Even Ben Mee bring me more points than ‘Arry,’ said the Devonian manager of Clotted Cream First.

Kenna League week 6

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 6 - 28 September 2021
Kenna week 6 – 28 September 2021

Kenna League week 5

Kenna week 5 - 21 September 2021
Kenna week 5 – 21 September 2021
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Vice chairman returns from exile

The Kenna League vice chairman has returned to the UK from nine months of political exile.

The second-in-command of the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league was banished to Africa for fomenting dissent at Kenna HQ to undermine the chairman.

Upon seeing the vice chairman back on English soil at the weekend, followers of his social media feeds were surprised to see him not in a pool, on a mountain or beach, or within high-calibre rifle range of one of the Big Five.

‘His ratty manbun was a bit of shock too, but probably not as much as a shock as the vice chairman got when he saw the autofill had put Benjamin Mendy in his Young Boys team,’ quipped a source at Kenna HQ.

While the vice chairman’s return to England underwhelmed, Cristiano Ronaldo announced himself with typical aplomb.

The three owners of Anthony Martial, Edison Cavani, and Marcus Rashford were left to rue those signings, as the Portuguese made a mockery of auction planning.

Kenna League week 4

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 4 - 14 September 2021
Kenna week 4 – 14 September 2021

Kenna League week 3

Kenna week 3 - 7 September 2021
Kenna week 3 – 7 September 2021
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The Goal-Shy Badger

As the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league, it was with considerable interest the powers that be at the Kenna HQ discovered a podcast about the perfect pub.

The Moon Under Water is hosted by two pub enthusiasts who invite a guest each episode to describe what drinks and atmosphere their fantasy boozer would boast.

Founded in 2005 in The Old Bank of England, and since then popping up in pubs all over central London, for the Kenna pondering the perfect pub proved too much to resist.

Here are the features of the Kenna HQ local in the podcast’s template. It’s just over the road from Jeff House and ideal for swift lunchtime tipple or drinks after work.

Layout and decor
The interior of the wood-panelled pub is split into two parts. The main bar, known as the Titus Bramble Lounge, is the pub’s beating heart. There’s plenty of light from large windows at front and side, but no one can see in through the smoked glass. There are a couple of stools at the bar that be used at quieter times. There’s enough room to host at least 20 for the Kenna auction if it’s too cold to hold it in the beer garden.

Out back is the public bar. The chalk stripes from the Kenna HQ speculations department can regularly be found in here bantering around the pool table on a weekday afternoon.

As the evening wears on, every hour the lights are imperceptibly dimmed a little so by midnight there’s a conspiratorial atmosphere.

Two drinks on draft
There needs to be an option between four and five per cent for session and one between five and six per cent for heavier drinking. Pilsner Urquell exactly as it’s sold in Lokal in Prague is the session beer, served in a handled glass and slipping down like milk

Cheltenham brewery Deya has the stronger option covered with their blockbuster pale ale Steady Rolling Man.

Two bottles
Henri De Blainville is a small wine cooperative in the Charentes-Maritime region. Their merlot vin de pays is delicious and can be consumed in large quantities with no impact on the experience. All at a very reasonable price point of around four euros a bottle.

Jimmy White once rented a penthouse hotel suite and had a case of Dom Perignon delivered every day for 17 days. The Kenna chairman once tried Dom while interloping at the National Chef of the Year semi finals. It’s incredible.

Two spirits
Rum is crucial. Something golden from the Caribe. Mount Gay.

Fernet Branca isn’t popular in the UK and it’s a crying shame. It is a fantastic drink which can be served in any situation and immediately makes one feel better.

Wildcard pick
Bloody Mary. None of this jamming it full of vegetables and seasoning. Just a dash of Tabasco and Worcestershire sauce added to Polish Soplica vodka and tomato juice. Superb after breakfast time or a heavy night.

Album playing
Kool & The Gang’s Greatest Hits. Floor-filling songs galore. Patrons aren’t afraid to break into dance late in the evening.

What’s barred?
For the Kenna there’s only one cardinal sin, Tactical Brambling. For the uninitiated, this is the pernicious act of triggering the Titus Bramble player forfeit process on purpose late in the auction to free up funds and give yourself an advantage.

The Goal-Shy Badger. The sign features a badger kneeling in front of goal, his black and white face in his hands in despair as the ball slices over the bar. Jorge Campos is leaning against the post with his arms folded.

Kenna League week 2

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 2 - 24 August 2021
Kenna week 2 – 24 August 2021
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