Ping pong praise for league integrity

Purple Ping Pong Paddle

MANAGERS have come out in universal admiration of the Kenna chairman’s probity after he admitted to an error that lost him star striker Sergio Aguero, according to the chairman.

Plaudits flowed in club press conferences following news last week the chairman’s side KS West Green would start every game for the rest of the season with disgraced former weatherman Fred Talbot up front.

The Young Boys manager was an unlikely candidate to lead the praise.

“He phoned the day after the announcement to personally congratulate me on my integrity,” said the chairman. “It was nice of him to take time out from his busy table tennis schedule in Bangkok.”

The managers of Still Don’t Know Yet, Hairy Fadjeetas and Walthamstow Reds were also fulsome in their recognition of the chairman’s decision to come clean about the Aguero Bramble, read a league press release.

No managers were available for comment.

In Canesten Combi Cup, the last 16 draw will be broadcast live on Twitter from a pub this Friday lunchtime.

All the latest scores and tables are available from The Rub.

Kenna table – week 25 of 37

Kenna table week 25 - 24 February 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 36 3
2 Judean People’s Front Sholto 34 2
3 Young Boys Denney 31 2
4 Headless Chickens John N 27 1
5 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 27 0
6 Bala Rinas Lewis 26 1
7 Cowley Casuals Stu 26 0
8 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 23 1
9 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 21 1
10 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 21 1
11 Pikey Scum Jack 21 0
12 Dynamo Charlton Alex 20 2
13 FC Tescticuladew James N 20 1
14 Fat Ladies Ted 20 0
15 Just Put Carles Carles 20 0
16 St Reatham FC Mike 18 0
17 Piedmonte Phil 18 0
18 KS West Green Stix 17 1
19 Team Panda Rules OK George 15 1
20 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 3 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Silva, D – MCY – MID
Club Lokomotiv Leeds
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Kun Bramble blunder spells grim forecast

Fred Talbot Weather Map

 

Tumbleweed: The KS West Green manager said in a press conference this morning Talbot had the delicate touch he was looking for up front.

FRED ‘The Weatherman’ Talbot has joined KS West Green for the rest of the season after it turned out the manager forfeit Sergio Aguero in last weekend’s transfer window.

The chairman, who manages Klub Sportowej West Green, lost the South American forward after signing defender John Stones and striker Ayoze Peres for a combined fee of £14m last Saturday. It wasn’t discovered until a few days later the side had overspent his remaining budget by £3.5m.

Colourful jumper and man-made waterway fan Talbot was retrospectively drafted into the side as a striker under the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling.

This is the second time the chairman has waved cheerio to the Argentine talisman. When manager of Vasco De Beauvoir his side were made to start the 2012 campaign with wayward brawler Leeroy Lita in attack after losing Aguero ‘on a Bramble’ late in the auction.

“Nooooooooooooooooo!” said the chairman from behind a bottle of Red Label this morning. “It’s happened again! I started the window with £10.5m in the war chest and bought [John] Stones for what I thought was a couple of million.

“Somehow I then got locked in a bidding war for [Ayoze] Peres and ended up paying £8m. It wasn’t until charts and graphs sent through the updated teams a couple of days later I spotted I’d paid £6m for Stones. Being a model of integrity for the league I owned up straight away.”

Asked about KS West Green’s new acquisition in attack the chairman was remarkably upbeat.

“Fred’s a very personable guy and has already bonded really well with everyone at the club, particularly the youth team, who have all been to see his telescope. Once his CRB check comes through he’s taking them all up the canal.

“With the morale Talbot brings to the camp, even without Kun we’ll be pushing for a top four finish. I cannot see how things can go wrong.”

Vasco De Beauvoir were relegated from the Kenna League in 2012-13.

Full scores are available at The Rub.

Kenna table – week 24 out of 37

Kenna week 24 - 17 February 2015

Kenna week 24 – 17 February 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Cowley Casuals Stu 66 2
2 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 54 4
3 Judean People’s Front Sholto 48 2
4 KS West Green Stix 48 0
5 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 41 2
6 Dynamo Charlton Alex 39 1
7 Pikey Scum Jack 38 2
8 Young Boys Denney 36 1
9 Team Panda Rules OK George 35 4
10 FC Tescticuladew James N 35 2
11 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 33 0
12 Headless Chickens John N 31 1
13 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 30 0
14 Bala Rinas Lewis 28 0
15 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 23 1
16 Piedmonte Phil 21 1
17 St Reatham FC Mike 21 0
18 Fat Ladies Ted 18 2
19 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 16 1
20 Just Put Carles Carles 10 0
Points Player
Player of the week 24 Ideye, B – WBA – STR
Club Unsigned
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Kings Stores, Spitalfields (photo: Ewan Munro)

Kings Stores, Spitalfields

CASTING around for a pub for Saturday’s Kenna transfer window, league blazers found a previous auction venue had rebranded.

It was worthy of note only because The Golden Fleece in the City of London, which now belongs to the Metropolitan Pub Company, hosted the August 2012 auction scene of the infamous ‘Bramble Hour’. More of that later.

The Metropolitan Pub Company also runs the Kings Stores, a back street boozer in Spitalfields where managers congregated for Saturday’s second and final window of the Kenna League season.

The pub proved to be an excellent venue, but it wasn’t the interesting range of beers or smart decor that most remarkable. The table service available to the 10 managers gathered was superb.

The man on duty Tumi was attentive and friendly, always on hand to take a drinks order and keeping up with everyone’s individual tabs, all while rendering the same care to other patrons.

Service of this sort was thought to have died with the Victorian era, but the gaggles of passing Jack The Ripper tourists could well have marvelled that like beery conversations between Londoners in narrow thoroughfares outside buzzing pubs, this heritage survives into the 21st Century.

A Kenna tradition in no danger of being scotched is the transfer window turning into a farce after a couple of hours. The steady flow of craft lager did not disappoint.

Just as the summer 2012 auction saw 60 treacherous minutes of managers falling over the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling after a few drinks, Saturday saw two relegation-embroiled sides suffer from all sorts of recklessness.

Going into the window to make a record 10 changes to his side, the Fat Ladies manager even contrived to lose his one remaining player – and only decent one at that – Daniel Sturridge.

After watching the north London derby followed by three hours of transfer activity, the exact events are hazy. Nevertheless, a clear memory remains of the Fat Ladies labouring under the assumption Jonathan Walters was a midfielder, buying one striker too many and ending with a forfeit player.

So called ‘Bramble players’ are chosen as much for their current affairs status as for their inability to add any value to a club. For this window the outgoing members of Rotherham Council and convicted deviant Paul Gadd were being doled out to errant managers.

At the foot of the table, the Hoxton Pirates manager’s last chance of salvation was beached when he ended the night with two northern councillors and the former rock star numbered among his ranks.

Like the quality of the pub itself, the Pirates manager’s protest and the debate to follow therein will live long in the memory of all managers present. Gary Glitter: midfielder or defender?

All new signings will begin scoring from tonight. For a full roundup of the weekend’s scores download The Rub.

Kenna table – week 23 of 37

Kenna week 23 - 10 February 2014

Kenna week 23 – 10 February 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 35 1
2 Cowley Casuals Stu 35 1
3 St Reatham FC Mike 34 1
4 Pikey Scum Jack 31 2
5 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 29 1
6 FC Tescticuladew James N 27 1
7 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 26 1
8 Judean People’s Front Sholto 23 0
9 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 22 1
10 Team Panda Rules OK George 21 0
11 Dynamo Charlton Alex 20 1
12 Piedmonte Phil 20 0
13 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 19 0
14 Bala Rinas Lewis 17 0
15 Fat Ladies Ted 17 0
16 KS West Green Stix 15 1
17 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 14 0
18 Just Put Carles Carles 13 0
19 Headless Chickens John N 12 0
20 Young Boys Denney 7 0
Points Player
Player of the week 13 Blind, D – MUN – DEF
Club FC Tescticuladew
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Fat Ladies manager resigns

Surgery Workshop 2012

They struggled to keep their composure when it turned out the patient had a back four of Philippe Senderos, Wes Brown, Christian Gamboa and Chico Flores (photo: Monash University)

THE Fat Ladies manager has quit his job blaming imminent surgery for his decision.

The Leamington Spa-born manager said he needed to get a pimple removed from his backside and that was why he had made the decision to leave the club, who are second bottom of the Kenna League.

“I need immediate surgery,” said the Fat Ladies manager. “I need my players to give their asses on the pitch. If I can’t give mine 100 per cent on the training field it’s better for someone else to take over.”

The manager’s rear end has taken one hell of a beating in this season’s Kenna, his team scoring just three goals in 22 weeks of the competition. Table toppers Sporting Lesbian have found the net 32 times in the same period.

Fat Ladies won the Kenna League in 2008, but after time away from football since being relegated in 2010 the manager has found it difficult adjusting to life back in the competition this campaign.

The club said in a statement today they needed a safe pair of hands to oversee the managerial transition. Some bloke who once got drunk and trashed the Blue Peter garden will take temporary charge.

There were reports the Fat Ladies manager was one game from the sack before his side scored a third goal of the campaign this week thanks to £35m Daniel Sturridge’s return from injury.

The club’s other goals came in week two, again from Sturridge, and from a Kevin Nolan strike nearly two months ago.

The Fat Ladies manager said the timing of his decision may look suspicious but added: “I know what people think – that I’ve been sacked, or stormed off because we couldn’t get the players in – but I can’t control what people think. There’s a pimple on my bum that needs medical care.”

The timing could not be worse for the club going into Saturday’s Kenna transfer window, the second and final chance for managers to freshen up their sides.

One player everyone will hope to avoid signing on the weekend is the league’s bête noire Titus Bramble. The out-of-work defender is awarded as a forfeit to anyone breaking auction rules.

When a photo emerged last night of Bramble apparently signing for Barcelona, the chairman was quick to spot the ruse.

Full scores and tables can be downloaded from The Rub.

Kenna table – week 22 of 37

Kenna table week 22 - 3 February 2014

Kenna table week 22 of 37 – 3 February 2014

Weekly scores

Manager

Points

Goals

1

Walthamstow Reds Dudley   36   1

2

Piedmonte Phil   36   1

3

Headless Chickens John N   32   2

4

FC Tescticuladew James N   29   0

5

Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S   28   1

6

Judean People’s Front Sholto   27   0

7

Cowley Casuals Stu   26   1

8

Dynamo Charlton Alex   24   2

9

Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden   22   1

10

Sporting Lesbian Ben M   22   1

11

Still Don’t Know Yet Pete   21   1

12

Bala Rinas Lewis   18   1

13

Team Panda Rules OK George   17   1

14

Fat Ladies Ted   16   1

15

St Reatham FC Mike   16   0

16

KS West Green Stix   15   0

17

Pikey Scum Jack   11   0

18

Young Boys Denney   8   0

19

Just Put Carles Carles   8   0

20

Hoxton Pirates Abdi   8   0

Points

Player
Player of the week

16

Walters, J – STO – STR

Club

Unsigned
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Five burning questions for Kenna managers ahead of transfer deadline day

Curtain

Storm through the window: FC Testiculadew scouts are on the lookout for talent ahead of the transfer window.

IF all the Kenna managers lived on a surburban mews, this would be the most vigorous week of curtain twitching.

The season’s second and final transfer window takes place next Saturday and managers will be keen to size up which footballers they can sign to most improve their teams. The events of the afternoon will decide who lifts the league title in May.

Managers have until next Thursday to send their players to be released to Kenna HQ – by post if they want to claim the £10m war chest supplement.

Here are five most pertinent questions dogging every Kenna manager this week.

1. Can Lesbians resist a little fiddle?

The Sporting Lesbians manager is having a dream season. Alexis Sanchez and Graziano Pelle up front in their first season in England playing like they’re to the Kenna born, a back five of De Gea, Coleman, Demichelis, Luis and Tomkins all putting in a shift from week one and a modestly creative midfield where even Egyptian flake Ahmed Elmohamady has become a regular starter.

At 77 points ahead of the pack Lesbians can surely cruise towards their second league title. But with a couple of pints in him come next Saturday, will the manager stand idly by only to regret his inaction come May? Or will the finger slide tantilisingly towards the button of release? Just a quick play, temptation will say, it’s so naughty but it feels so good…and then ‘pow!’ You’ve just bought Morgan Amalfitano, stuck a Bramble a sensitive area and blood’s running down your leg.

2. Does the Lokomotiv manager sell Bony or Silva?

Hovering just outside a top four finish, the Lokomotiv Leeds manager has the opportunity to turn this window into a springboard to riches but he faces the Bramble-tied quandary of the season. Does he stay with the squat Spanish Merlin David Silva or gamble on the power of Wilfred Bony. The Cote D’Ivoire striker will need time to recover from his country’s customary choke in the African Cup of Nations, but upon his return think of all the goals he could score.

3. Can the Cowley Casuals manager pull it off again?

If transfer windows were competitions taken isolation, the Cowley Casuals manager could be considered to have won in October. While Sporting Lesbians flicked a quick tinker in midfield, Cowley Casuals rummaged around to make four signings who have all contributed to the side’s occupation of second in the table. Casuals still have a fair amount of catching up to do, so the manager is left with a choice of hoping his eleven make it over the finish line or having a clear out.

4. Who’s got the most money left?

No one will be able to match the Dynamo Charlton manager’s desperate attempt to buy his way out of the relegation zone. Replacing Rickie Lambert with Harry Kane should be top of his list of priorities, or at least equal with busting some onions over attitude in the general area of Bafetimbi Gomis.

At fourth and fifth place in the league respectively, St Reatham FC and Hairy Fadjeetas have the most control over their destinies with each having over £20m in the war chest. Both managers will be in the Alps next weekend. How much will that impact on their tactics?

Moneybags

Averagebags

Grotbags

Dynamo Charlton – £45.5m
Piedmonte – £26.5m
Hairy Fadjeetas – £25m
St Reatham FC – £20.5m
Fat Ladies – £20.5m
Team Panda Rules OK – £19.5M
Bala Rinas – £16m
Just Put Carles – £15m
Headless Chickens – £14.5m
Cowley Casuals – £13.5m
Young Boys – £12m
Still Don’t Know Yet – £10.5m
Pikey Scum – £10m
Lokomotiv Leeds – £9.5m
Judean Peoples’ Front – £8m
Hoxton Pirates – £7m
Walthamstow Reds – £3.5m
Sporting Lesbian – £3.5m
FC Testiculadew – £2.5m
KS West Green – £0.5m

5. Who are the biggest targets?

Strikers
Up front Harry Kane has managers crowding around the shop window. With Senegal out of the ACN, Mame Diouf may turn heads. Andreas Wiemann could be a solid replacement for injury. Ashley Barnes and Eduardo Vargas are wildcard options.

Midfielders
Managers will be hoping Leroy ‘The Bouncer’ Fer continues to assault the opposition penalty area rather than their creative midfielders. He’s the top scoring available midfielder. Morgan Amalfitano is rapidly turning into the next Chris Brunt in Kenna terms – temperamental form merchants. James Ward-Prowse is having a promising run.

Defenders
Astounding as it seems, Toby Alderweireld is still out there. He’s the second-highest scoring defender behind household shrug Aaron Cresswell. Aly Cissokho is third. KS West Green reject Mamadou Sakho is back in favour.

Goalkeepers
Three available goalkeepers are scoring well, which means there must be three Kenna managers looking to improve in that position. They’ll have to fight so dirty over Adrian, Lukas Fabianski and Rob Green that seedy men in mackintoshes are being charged to peep through the keyhole at that scene.

Full scores, tables and disciplinary records available at The Rub.

Kenna table – week 21 of 37

Kennna table week 21 - 27 January 2014

Kennna table week 21 – 27 January 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Judean People’s Front Sholto 29 1
2 Young Boys Denney 27 2
3 Cowley Casuals Stu 25 1
4 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 24 1
5 Bala Rinas Lewis 22 3
6 FC Tescticuladew James N 22 0
7 Just Put Carles Carles 20 1
8 Team Panda Rules OK George 19 0
9 KS West Green Stix 17 0
10 Headless Chickens John N 16 1
11 Piedmonte Phil 16 1
12 Dynamo Charlton Alex 12 1
13 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 12 0
14 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 11 1
15 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 9 0
16 Pikey Scum Jack 8 0
17 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 8 0
18 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 6 0
19 Fat Ladies Ted 6 0
20 St Reatham FC Mike 5 0
Points Player
Player of the week 12 Anichebe, V – WBA – STR
Club Unsigned
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Go For Broke Cup announced

Lego Arabs

Taking the George Michael: The Go For Broke Cup will neither objectify nor stereotype wealthy Arabian businessmen (photo: akunthita)

A NEW competition to find the worst knockout tournament team in fantasy football was unveiled today.

The Go For Broke Cup takes the only four teams in the Kenna not to qualify from the group/pool stage of the Canesten Combi Cup and pit them against each other to find out which manager really is the most hapless.

Unlike the slightly racist TV advert for a board game of the same name, the Go For Broke Cup will not see managers dress as Arabian oil sheikhs, get irritated by a casino win or welcome a stock price collapse.

Instead the four sides will play a further group/pool after which the bottom two will enter a playoff. The loser will win.

The Kenna chairman, whose team KS West Green are one of the four clubs to be involved, was quick to dismiss rumours the competition would overrun an already inefficient administration.

“The Go For Broke Cup is yet another way for us to determine the worst managers out there,” he said, with a nod towards the bosses of Hoxton Pirates and Fat Ladies who are both rooted to the foot of the Kenna League.

Elsewhere, the Sporting Lesbian manager made a case for a Kenna League and Canesten Combi Cup double this season by both topping group/pool A and extending his lead at the top of the table.

The Lesbian strike partnership of Alexis Sanchez and Graziano Pelle are the only pair in the league to both break 100 points. Their combined total of 236 points is over a century more than their nearest rivals.

Despite their zero-hours contracts policy, Cowley Casuals took advantage of another poor week in the steady decline of Bala Rinas to take second place, but still lay 76 points off the leaders.

Managers will be looking ahead to the season’s second transfer on Saturday 6 February, just over two weeks away.

Canesten Combi Cup – week five results

20-Jan-15 Sporting Lesbian 0 0 Young Boys
20-Jan-15 Headless Chickens 2 1 Dynamo Charlton
20-Jan-15 Bala Rinas 1 1 KS West Green
20-Jan-15 Piedmonte 1 1 Just Put Carles
20-Jan-15 Cowley Casuals 1 3 Pikey Scum
20-Jan-15 Walthamstow Reds 0 0 Hoxton Pirates
20-Jan-15 St Reatham FC 1 1 Lokomotiv Leeds
20-Jan-15 Hairy Fadjeetas 0 0 Fat Ladies

Canesten Combi Cup – final group/pool standings

Group A
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Sporting Lesbian 4 4 2 2 8
2 Headless Chickens 4 6 5 1 7
3 Young Boys 4 5 2 3 6
4 Dynamo Charlton 4 3 6 -3 4
5 Judean People’s Front 4 4 7 -3 1
Group B
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Bala Rinas 4 5 -2 3 8
2 Team Panda Rules OK 4 5 -4 1 7
3 Piedmonte 4 7 -4 3 5
4 Just Put Carles 4 2 -3 -1 3
5 KS West Green 4 3 -9 -6 2
Group C
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Pikey Scum 4 9 -3 6 12
2 Walthamstow Reds 4 6 -4 2 7
3 Cowley Casuals 4 9 -9 0 4
4 Still Don’t Know Yet 4 9 -13 -4 3
5 Hoxton Pirates 4 0 -4 -4 2
Group D
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Lokomotiv Leeds 4 12 -4 8 10
2 St Reatham FC 4 4 -11 -7 7
3 FC Tescticuladew 4 12 -5 7 6
4 Hairy Fadjeetas 4 7 -8 -1 4
5 Fat Ladies 4 0 -7 -7 1

Kenna table – week 20 of 37

Kenna table week 20 - 20 January 2014

Kenna table week 20 – 20 January 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Cowley Casuals Stu 54 1
2 St Reatham FC Mike 51 1
3 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 51 0
4 Pikey Scum Jack 47 3
5 Judean People’s Front Sholto 44 2
6 Team Panda Rules OK George 41 3
7 Piedmonte Phil 37 1
8 FC Tescticuladew James N 36 2
9 Just Put Carles Carles 32 1
10 Young Boys Denney 30 0
11 KS West Green Stix 29 1
12 Bala Rinas Lewis 27 1
13 Headless Chickens John N 22 2
14 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 20 1
15 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 20 1
16 Dynamo Charlton Alex 19 1
17 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 19 0
18 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 18 0
19 Fat Ladies Ted 16 0
20 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 14 0
Points Player
Player of the week 20 Valencia, E – WHM – STR
Club Piedmonte
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Cap lifts Kenna window

55378008

Flat response: Kenna HQ number crunchers worked through the night on a solution.

By the Hairy Fadjeetas manager

SHOCK waves reverberated across the Kenna today as the transfer kitty of Switzerland-based St Reatham FC swelled by a mouthwatering 30 percent.  

Details of the club’s new-found wealth emerged yesterday lunchtime after the Swiss National Bank abandoned a cap on the country’s currency value against the euro. Before the move it cost the Swiss 1.2 francs to buy one euro, just minutes later that cost fell to 80 cents.

That means St Reatham’s spending power has dramatically increased ahead of February’s transfer window.

Euro cap

A Euro cap

A financial analyst close to the Kenna said: “The club will effectively be getting Black Friday prices on any deal it tries to make, while everyone else will still be paying top whack.”

Speaking from his Alpine retreat, the manager of St Reatham FC, who is still wanted by police following an incident on Chobham Common in April 2013, declared: “It’s a rich man’s game and I’m rich. Filthy rich. Filthy.”

In a hastily-convened press conference the Kenna chairman denied being caught out by the ebb and flow of the global money markets: “We’ve had our top boys on this one for a few days now crunching the numbers and I’m confident that transfer budgets will not be affected by this Swiss decoupling. Who uses bloody euros anyway? The Kenna is a fine British institution.”

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Charlie Hebdo cover

Je suis Titus

[INSERT SATIRE HERE]

Full scores can be found in The Rub.

Kenna table

Kenna table week 19 - 13 January 2015

Kenna table week 19 – 13 January 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 36 2
2 Judean People’s Front Sholto 34 2
3 Pikey Scum Jack 30 2
4 Young Boys Denney 29 1
5 Cowley Casuals Stu 28 0
6 FC Tescticuladew James N 25 2
7 St Reatham FC Mike 23 0
8 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 21 1
9 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 20 0
10 Piedmonte Phil 20 0
11 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 19 1
12 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 19 0
13 KS West Green Stix 18 0
14 Team Panda Rules OK George 17 1
15 Bala Rinas Lewis 17 1
16 Just Put Carles Carles 16 1
17 Dynamo Charlton Alex 16 0
18 Headless Chickens John N 11 0
19 Fat Ladies Ted 9 0
20 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 3 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Sanchez, A – ARS – STR
Club Sporting Lesbian
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Evans: Pirates pillaging my good name

CHED Evans has handed in his transfer request at Hoxton Pirates because he believes playing for the club is damaging his reputation.

Shadowy links to kidnappings, poor observation of Ramadan and militant extremist group Al Shabaab of the club’s Somali manager have been cited by Evans as reasons for the swell of negative public opinion surrounding the striker.

“My conscience is clear, so the only way I can explain how Brand Ched has come to be demonised in the media is through representing a club associated with religious oppression and general pillage on the high seas. I need to find a new club immediately,” said Evans, who has previous for trying to force a move.

Evans joined Hoxton Pirates as a forfeit at the October transfer window under the Titus Bramble ruling, after the manager had overspent his budget.

Outside the club’s Pitfield Street ground this morning, the Pirates manager resfused to be backed into a corner by his Welsh striker: “Yarrrrrr! The scoundrel needs to knuckle down instead o’ tryin’ to win the favours of ladies of the night in Charlie Wright’s International Bar by singing on the karaoke machine. If I be hearing Blurred Lines one more time he be gettin’ himself keelhauled.”

Several clubs are reported to be uninterested in the wantaway centre forward, who has also criticised Hoxton Pirates’ poor form this season for not providing enough of a challenge. The club is rooted to both the bottom of the Kenna League and, with one fixture remaining before the knockout stage, the foot of Canesten Combi Cup group C. The side has not scored a goal since 25 November.

For now the drought looks set to continue. The club’s other forward Mauro Zarate has failed to live up to what little promise brought the Argentine to England. A midfield of Matic, Januzaj, Ramirez and Wright-Phillips hardly screams ‘goals’.

The club will be looking to ring the changes come the February transfer window, and even without his attempts to pin down the manager Evans’ future at the club is doubtful. Perhaps there’s a role for the striker with Gavin Peacock.

Full scores, results and tables can be found in The Rub.

Canesten Combi Cup – group/pool stage round four results

06-Jan-15 Sporting Lesbian 3 2 Judean People’s Front
06-Jan-15 Headless Chickens 1 1 Young Boys
06-Jan-15 Bala Rinas 3 1 Team Panda Rules OK
06-Jan-15 Piedmonte 6 2 KS West Green
06-Jan-15 Cowley Casuals 7 3 Still Don’t Know Yet
06-Jan-15 Walthamstow Reds 0 1 Pikey Scum
06-Jan-15 St Reatham FC 0 8 FC Tescticuladew
06-Jan-15 Hairy Fadjeetas 3 4 Lokomotiv Leeds

Canesten Combi Cup – group/pool standings

Group A
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Sporting Lesbian 3 4 2 2 7
2 Young Boys 3 5 2 3 5
3 Headless Chickens 3 4 4 0 4
4 Dynamo Charlton 3 2 4 -2 4
5 Judean People’s Front 4 4 7 -3 1
Group B
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Bala Rinas 3 4 -1 3 7
2 Team Panda Rules OK 4 5 -4 1 7
3 Piedmonte 3 6 -3 3 4
4 Just Put Carles 3 1 -2 -1 2
5 KS West Green 3 2 -8 -6 1
Group C
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Pikey Scum 3 6 -2 4 9
2 Walthamstow Reds 3 6 -4 2 6
3 Cowley Casuals 3 8 -6 2 4
4 Still Don’t Know Yet 4 9 -13 -4 3
5 Hoxton Pirates 3 0 -4 -4 1
Group D
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Lokomotiv Leeds 3 11 -3 8 9
2 St Reatham FC 3 3 -9 -6 6
3 FC Tescticuladew 4 10 -6 4 3
4 Hairy Fadjeetas 3 7 -8 -1 3
5 Fat Ladies 3 1 -6 -5 3

Kenna table

Kenna table week 18 - 7 January 2014

Kenna table week 18 – 7 January 2014

 

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 FC Tescticuladew James N 88 8
2 Cowley Casuals Stu 75 7
3 Piedmonte Phil 67 6
4 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 63 3
5 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 60 3
6 Bala Rinas Lewis 53 3
7 Dynamo Charlton Alex 49 3
8 KS West Green Stix 49 2
9 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 47 3
10 Judean People’s Front Sholto 47 2
11 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 46 4
12 Team Panda Rules OK George 44 1
13 Just Put Carles Carles 43 2
14 Pikey Scum Jack 38 1
15 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 34 0
16 St Reatham FC Mike 32 0
17 Headless Chickens John N 25 1
18 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 23 0
19 Young Boys Denney 21 1
20 Fat Ladies Ted 6 0
Points Player
Player of the week 32 Berahino, S – WBA – STR
Club FC Tescticuladew
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Young Brazilian Boys manager

The Kenna 2014 end of year awards

NEW Year’s Eve is upon the Kenna once more and it’s time to hand out those gongs.

Another outstanding year for the FC Testiculadew manager finally proved that cheats do prosper, which is reflected in his winning one show-piece award and being short listed for many others.

So who had the easiest job? Who let the pressure get to them most? Who had an excellent place for hiding sex workers? Who didn’t? Who missed every Kenna event this year but still managed to walk away with some silverware*? And just who do the Red Arrows think they are to turn down the Kenna?

Take it away the Kenna 2014 end of year awards!

*Disclaimer: these awards do not count as ‘silverware’

Best newcomer – a cardboard cut out of Pep Guardiola

With the PSV Mornington manager sacked by last Christmas it was left to assistant coach Pep ‘Cardiola’ to take the reins. He was made permanent manager in January and managed to coax 11 goals in half a season, a dramatic improvement.

Performance of the year – the FC Testiculadew manager

An unprecedented second Kenna league and cup double in May followed by Emerson World Cup victory in July – WHEN HE DIDN’T EVEN ATTEND THE AUCTION – all but sealed this accolade for the Kenna’s most controversial manager. The honour was confirmed when the self-confessed Tactical Brambler failed to appear for the August auction and sent six bottles of champagne instead. Some other managers would do well to take note.

Worst performance of the year – the Fat Ladies manager

Any of the Hoxton Pirates manager’s appearances at any league event will always come a close second in this category, but before the Somali had even heard of the Kenna there was the Fat Ladies manager. An early exponent of Albert Luque, the Fat Ladies manger set the precedent for mystifying auction tactics and rake-in-the-face Bramble forfeits. Somehow he won the league in 2008, but after a period of absence he has returned this season to find his managerial talents no longer equal that of the Kenna.

The Fish in a Barrel award for easiest job to do – the Hong Kong police

The way FC Testiculadew coasted to a treble of honours this year was put into perspective by one of the most uncomplicated arrests ever.

Best celeb spot – Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, the chairman

The Fat Ladies manager may have bumped into Dion Dublin in a London pub and the St Reatham FC manager may have contrived a stalker/stalked relationship with Soccer Saturday consonant-dropper Bianca Westwood, but it was the chairman who in April received a face-to-face apology from the Ox for his poor performances at KS West Green. The look on David Bentley’s face to be recognised by the chairman at an event with so many footballers present was worth attending alone.

The Joe Kinnear award for worst transfer business – Piedmonte

Yes, the Headless Chickens manager bought Kostas Mitroglou at the February transfer window for £14m, but at the same event the Piedmonte manager traded in Samir Nasri for Andros Townsend. That business cost the Wulfrunian his best ever shot at the Kenna league title as Nasri barnstormed the rest of the season while Townsend could have maintained a similar level of form if he’d been on the moon. A special commendation goes to the Judean Peoples’ Front manager, who was doing his business when Nasri was sold rivals Bala Rinas.

The Kevin Keegan ‘I WOULD LOVE IT!’ award for coping with pressure – the Hairy Fadjeetas manager

February was a difficult month for the Hairy Fadjeetas manager. Having led the league for a few weeks earlier in the season, his campaign was beginning to unravel. Fast. Cue expletive-ridden press conference.

The Young Boys manger deserves a commendation for his unusual response to World Cup support in the absence of Wales from Brazil.

The Colt Detective Special revolver award for biggest snub – the Red Arrows

It was supposed to be the icing on the cake. The Kenna’s landmark 10th auction. The cream of fantasy football management celebrated by the cream of aeronautical display teams. Who could have predicted the Red Arrows wouldn’t get out of bed for 25 blokes on an all dayer? Not the chairman.

The America’s Dumbest Criminals award for worst kidnap attempt – the Hoxton Pirates manager

Two days after the October transfer window, the chairman received a phone call from an apoplectic pub landlord. It appeared an ornamental sword in his upstairs bar had been removed from its wall fixings and used to hold to the neck of the Fat Ladies manager by a radical Muslim. Those photos were deleted by the Fat Ladies a few days later, so no evidence remains of an incident which now officially never took place. As such, this award must go to the well-documented plight of Danny Graham. The striker was snatched by the crew of the good ship Hoxton Pirates off England’s north east coast at the February transfer window only to be made to walk the plank a few minutes later.

The Jozef Fritzl award for interior design – Kenna HQ

When the chairman was snapped soundproofing a windowless crawlspace underneath Kenna HQ it was apparently for ‘footballing reasons’.

Absentee of the year – the St Reatham FC manager

Despite putting in a ‘tactical no show’ at the Emerson World Cup auction before winning the tournament a month later, the FC Testiculadew could learn a thing or two from one of the Kenna’s Catalan contingent. Sending a second to the February transfer window, the Just Put Carles manager tweeted a picture of himself enjoying cocktails in the Caribbean.

Both fade in comparison with Surrey Police wanted board’s the St Reatham FC manager. Ever since the body of a female Sky Sports News presenter was found battered to death on Chobham Common last April, the manager has led the desperate life of an international fugitive. In February he Skyped into the transfer window from his Alpine hideout, In August, his team abandoned at the start of the season, he was sighted on the Amalfi coast in Italy. In October, the jet-lag appeared to be catching up with him. Holed up in San Francisco for the transfer window, he tried to release a player that wasn’t even in his side.

Most inappropriate use of world affairs to describe a fantasy football scenario – the missing Malaysia Airlines flight

When it comes to expressing the utter forlorn of managers while FC Testiculadew cruise to victory every time, there’s nothing else on the radar.

Flashback of the year – the Still Don’t Know Yet manager remembers Emerson

The mid-90s was a difficult time for many Kenna managers. They were teenagers and the internet was nowhere near the tool it is today. Add into the mix the dashed hopes of a Teesider when Brazilian flair founders.

Best unused Titus Bramble forfeit player of the year – Harold Shipman

Harold Shipman

‘Just a little prick’

Canesten Combi Cup group/pool stage results – 30 December 2014

30-Dec-14 Young Boys 4 1 Dynamo Charlton
30-Dec-14 Headless Chickens 3 0 Judean Peoples’ Front
30-Dec-14 KS West Green 0 0 Just Put Carles
30-Dec-14 Piedmonte 0 1 Team Panda Rules OK
30-Dec-14 Pikey Scum 2 0 Hoxton Pirates
30-Dec-14 Walthamstow Reds 3 0 Still Don’t Know Yet
30-Dec-14 Lokomotiv Leeds 5 0 Fat Ladies
30-Dec-14 Hairy Fadjeetas 3 0 FC Testiculadew

Canesten Combi Cup group/pool standings

Date 30-Dec-14
Group A
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Young Boys 2 4 1 3 4
2 Sporting Lesbian 2 1 0 1 4
3 Dynamo Charlton 3 2 4 -2 4
4 Headless Chickens 2 3 1 2 3
5 Judean Peoples’ Front 3 0 4 -4 1
Group B
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Team Panda Rules OK 3 4 -1 3 7
2 Bala Rinas 2 1 0 1 4
3 Just Put Carles 3 1 -2 -1 2
4 Piedmonte 2 0 -1 -1 1
5 KS West Green 2 0 -2 -2 1
Group C
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Walthamstow Reds 2 6 -1 5 6
2 Pikey Scum 2 5 0 5 6
3 Hoxton Pirates 3 0 -2 -2 2
4 Cowley Casuals 2 1 -3 -2 1
5 Still Don’t Know Yet 3 0 -6 -6 1
Group D
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Lokomotiv Leeds 2 7 0 7 6
2 St Reatham FC 2 3 -1 2 6
3 Hairy Fadjeetas 2 4 -2 2 3
4 Fat Ladies 3 1 -6 -5 3
5 FC Testiculadew 3 0 -6 -6 0

Kenna table – 30 December 2014

Kenna week 17 - 30 December 2014

Kenna week 17 – 30 December 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 77 5
2 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 65 3
3 Judean People’s Front Sholto 65 2
4 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 64 3
5 Young Boys Denney 60 4
6 Headless Chickens John N 54 3
7 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 53 2
8 St Reatham FC Mike 52 0
9 Bala Rinas Lewis 41 1
10 KS West Green Stix 37 0
11 Cowley Casuals Stu 36 1
12 FC Tescticuladew James N 35 2
13 Fat Ladies Ted 35 0
14 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 33 2
15 Pikey Scum Jack 30 2
16 Dynamo Charlton Alex 27 1
17 Team Panda Rules OK George 27 0
18 Piedmonte Phil 25 0
19 Just Put Carles Carles 22 0
20 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 14 0
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Lallana, A – LIV – MID
Club Headless Chickens
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