KS West Green 2014/15

Chairman 69 problems

…but running the world’s best pub-based fantasy football auction ain’t one: The KS West Green manager and Kenna chairman

Manager: Stix

Twitter name@jeffkennaleague

Since: 2005 (co-founder and chairman)

Last season: 10th

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2005/06, Canesten Combi Cup winner 2006, treble in 2009/2010 (league, cup, Dr Khumalo World Cup 2010)

Sympathies: Kidderminster Harriers

Darts musicLet Me Be Your Fantasy – Baby D

Season preview in one sentence: In a bid to pick week-in-week-out players and grind out consistent performances, the chairman has assembled an unspectacular side heavily reliant on the fitness of Sergio Aguero.

Speroni, J CRY  £7.00 
Ivanovic, B CHE  £9.00 
McAuley, G WBA  £4.00 
Sakho, M LIV  £3.00 
Davies, B TOT  £10.00 
Arnautovic, M STO  £14.00 
Carrick, M MUN  £0.50 
Routledge, W SWA  £1.00 
Barton, J QPR  £2.00 
Aguero, S MCY  £40.00 
Long, S HUL  £7.00 

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Fat Ladies Dublin size?

Ted and Dion Dublin

Dube-ious: The Fat Ladies manager taps up Dion Dublin

FAT Ladies are rumoured to tabling a desperate bid for former on-field utility man Dion Dublin at the first Kenna transfer window next month.

Finding his side bottom of the league after four competitive weeks of the competition, the Fat Ladies manager is said to be scrabbling around for striking options with Daniel Sturridge and Christian Benteke injured.

Snapping himself with Dublin this week, the manager said: “The season hasn’t got off to a great start. I’m missing my strikers and only one of my defenders [Coloccini] is getting a game, and he got four put past him last week. Dion offers us cover all over the pitch and his creativity, both with the ball and The Dube, will give us some attacking rhythm.”

Fat Ladies were crowned Kenna champions in 2007, but the manager has only just rejoined the league after a four-year absence.

Many see this latest news as further proof the Fat Ladies manager is struggling to adapt back in the Kenna League.

Kenna table

Kenna table - 16 September 2014 (week 4)

Kenna table – 16 September 2014 (week 4

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 46 4
2 Bala Rinas Lewis 41 1
3 Pikey Scum Jack 34 4
4 St Reatham FC Mike 34 1
5 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 31 1
6 Young Boys Denney 25 0
7 Just Put Carles Carles 24 2
8 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 24 0
9 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 22 1
10 KS West Green Stix 22 1
11 Cowley Casuals Stu 19 1
12 Piedmonte Phil 17 2
13 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 17 1
14 Headless Chickens John N 16 0
15 Judean People’s Front Sholto 15 0
16 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 14 0
17 Team Panda Rules OK George 13 1
18 Dynamo Charlton Alex 13 0
19 FC Tescticuladew James N 12 0
20 Fat Ladies Ted 7 0
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Costa, D – CHE – STR
Club Pikey Scum
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Hoxton Pirates 2014/15


Scourge of the Old Street roundabout: The Hoxton Pirates manager

Manager: Abdi (Somalia)

Twitter name: @abdinw1

Since: 2010

Last season: 21st (relegated)

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winner 2012/13

Sympathies: Arsenal

Darts music: The Trumpet Hornpipe

Season preview in one sentence: Unable to attend the auction because of commitments in ‘Durrby’, the Somali’s automatically-generated side shows flickers of guile, and leaves most wondering whether he could have done better in person.

Robles, J EVE £0.50
Dier, E TOT £0.50
Wilson, M STO £0.50
Delaney, D CRY £0.50
Upson, M LEI £0.50
Matic, N CHE £0.50
Lampard, F MCY £0.50
Januzaj, A MUN £0.50
Ramirez, G HUL £0.50
Zarate, M WHM £0.50
Campbell, J ARS £0.50

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FC Testiculadew 2014/15

James N

Poor man’s Hugo Drax: The FC Testiculadew manager

Manager: James N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Last season: Winner

Trophy cabinet: 2013/14 and 2011/12 league and cup double, 2014 Emerson World Cup winner

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: Space March – John Barry

Season preview in one sentence: Retreating ever further from public life into the shadows of tactical Bramblerdom, the defending double championEmerson World Cup victor and all-round ‘Dark Overlord’ of the Kenna still made his eerie presence felt at the auction in the form of half of case of champagne, and retains the budget to command bidding for Radamel Falcao at the transfer window.

McGregor, A HUL £0.50
Agger, D BRØ £0.50
Rose, D TOT £0.50
Reid, W WHM £0.50
Dann, S CRY £0.50
Fernandinho MCY £0.50
Fellaini, M MUN £0.50
Barry, G EVE £0.50
Wanyama, V SOT £0.50
Torres, F MLN £0.50
Podolski, L ARS £0.50

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Just Put Carles 2014/15


Showman: The Just Put Carles manager

Manager: Carles (Catalunya)

Twitter name: @cduzpalau

Since: 2010

Last season: 15th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – 5th in 2012/13)

Sympathies: FC Barcelona

Darts music: Cant del Barca

Season preview in one sentence: All of a sudden Danny Welbeck looks like a good signing.

Pantilimon, C SUN £0.50
Zabaleta, P MCY £0.50
Enrique, J LIV £0.50
Clark, C AVL £0.50
Bardsley, P STO £0.50
Wilshere, J ARS £0.50
Ramires CHE £0.50
Chadli, N TOT £0.50
Osman, L EVE £0.50
Carroll, A WHM £0.50
Welbeck, D ARS £0.50
    £5.50 m

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Team Panda Rules OK 2014/15


Inbetweener: The Team Panda Rules OK manager

Manager: George (Bromley)

Since: 2013

Last season: 6th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – last season)

Sympathies: Millwall

Darts musicTrue Love Ways – Buddy Holly

Season preview in one sentence: Asmir Begovic, Sylvain Distan and Olivier Giroud all find their services employed at the club for a second successive season: the rumour is they just couldn’t say ‘no’ to Panda…

Begovic, A STO  £7.00 
Clichy, G MCY  £6.00 
Distin, S EVE  £10.00 
Johnson, G LIV  £8.00 
Smalling, C MUN  £3.00 
Puncheon, J CRY  £5.00 
Schneiderlin, M SOT  £3.00 
Sessegnon, S WBA  £3.00 
Schurrle, A CHE  £0.50 
Giroud, O ARS  £24.00 
Soldado, R TOT  £11.00 

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Headless Chickens 2014/15

John N profile pic

Mr Average: The Headless Chickens manager

Manager: John N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Last season: 9th

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – last season)

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts musicEveryday Normal Guy – Jon Lajoie

Season preview in one sentence: Led the Kenna for a period of last season before falling into mid-table obscurity, and appears to have assembled a side capable of doing the same again.

Courtois, T CHE  £4.00 
Kompany, V MCY  £13.00 
Rangel, A SWA  £1.00 
Ward, J CRY  £3.00 
Shaw, L MUN  £13.00 
Cazorla, S ARS  £15.00 
Gouffran, Y NEW  £3.00 
Huddlestone, T HUL  £5.00 
Lallana, A LIV  £18.00 
Adebayor, E TOT  £10.00 
Rodriguez, J SOT  £0.50 

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St Reatham FC 2014/15


Last public appearance in the UK: The St Reatham FC manager

Manager: Mike (Surrey)

Twitter name@mister76mike

Since: 2012

Last season: 11th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – last season)

Sympathies: Everton

Darts musicIn Too Deep – Genesis

Season preview in one sentence: Despite having to Skype into the auction from his Swiss hideout because of that incident, the St Reatham FC manager seems to go from strength to strength on the pitch with a thrifty back line and creative midfield which could more than compensate for his strikers’ conspicuous shortcomings.

Foster, B WBA  £0.50 
Cameron, G STO  £5.00 
Jagielka, P EVE  £6.00 
Skrtel, M LIV  £4.00 
Fonte, J SOT  £0.50 
Ben Arfa, H NEW  £0.50 
Mata, J MUN  £29.00 
Nasri, S MCY  £13.00 
Fabregas, C CHE  £24.00 
Fletcher, S SUN  £0.50 
Campbell, F CRY  £0.50 

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The edible journey

Inspector Montalbano

Caught napping: Inspector Montalbano has come under fire from Kenna chiefs for failing to prevent crime (photo: Steve Thorne)

THE Kenna League chairman has hit out at Sicilian authorities after having his passport stolen near Catania on Saturday.

Stripped of his ability to return to the UK as scheduled that evening, the chairman was forced to spend the next two days making his way to the British Embassy in Rome to get the required emergency documentation.

The incident happened when the chairman stopped off on the way to the airport to collect vital supplies.

As he browsed the isles of olive oil, wine, coffee and parmesan cheese, ruthless – yet admittedly, well-organised – thieves jimmied the lock on the chairman’s hire car making off with a suitcase full of clothes and a bag of valuables, including his passport and laptop.

“I lay the blame squarely at the feet of the Sicilian police and in particular that phony, Inspector Montalbano,” reasoned the chairman.

“You always see him on television darting around in that old Fiat Tipo making out like he’s in touch with the everyday people, but he’s obviously only interested in murder and long lunch breaks. When it comes to good, old-fashioned community policing this incident proves he’s come up short.”

Without a UK passport, the chairman was advised that only British consulates in Milan and Rome could provide the necessary assistance. He would also have to wait to until office hours on Monday morning to make an appointment.

Unfortunately, air traffic control strikes in Italy on Saturday meant all flights to Rome and Milan were booked up for the next three days.

Grounded until an available seat to Naples 24 hours later, the newlywed chairman unwillingly spent the night alone in a Catania youth hostel, living on a strict diet of fresh swordfish and repelling the drunken advances of exotic young women bent on testing his marriage vows to the limit.

“The whole incident has been incredibly stressful and has impacted on my duties running the league,” said the chairman from a trattoria in Rome yesterday afternoon, between mouthfuls pizza and local wine.

“Thank God it took place during an international break.”

10 things the chairman learned from getting his passport swiped in Sicily

  1. Never get smug you’ll return the hire car without a ding until you’ve handed it back.
  2. The security guy in the shopping mall car park is probably in on it.
  3. To avoid future discomfort when buying emergency pants on an Italian street market, add an ‘X’ to your normal size.
  4. A Mediterranean youth hostel is no place for a married man of 34.
  5. Even in the usually drab confines of an airport departure lounge, the view at Catania Fontanarossa is never far from pleasant.
  6. When you’ve been the victim of crime the last place you really want to fly into at 11pm on a Sunday night is somewhere with a reputation like Naples.
  7. If you’re carrying three bottles of olive oil in your bag for a two-day trip through southern Italy one of them will break and begin to leak everywhere, probably from the overhead storage during a train journey.
  8. The guy in the queue at the consulate who says ‘it’s ridiculous, it’s obvious we’re British’ one too many times is most likely to be the spy.
  9. Walking around the sites of ancient Rome for three hours in cheap flip flops may result in blisters.
  10. No matter how many you drink, espresso macchiato in Italy is always a pleasure.

Kenna table (from last week)

Kenna table - 2 September 2014

Kenna table – 2 September 2014 (week 3)

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Pikey Scum 2014/15


Solitary cup win: The Pikey Scum manager

Manager: Jack (Hampshire)

Since: 2005 (co-founder and committee member – charts and graphs)

Last season: 5th

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winner 2008, Claudio Caniggia World Cup 2006 win (under review)

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts musicI’m A Pikey – Enrique Iglesias

Season preview in one sentence: The Scum boss auctioned well, picking up a mixture of appearances and goals, so now is the time to knuckle down and avoid any ambiguous career discussions with his Nigerian striker.

Hart, J MCY  £10.00 
Clyne, N SOT  £4.00 
Collins, J WHM  £2.00 
Santon, D NEW  £0.50 
Walker, K TOT  £10.00 
Mirallas, K EVE  £13.00 
Ozil, M ARS  £20.00 
Valencia, A MUN  £0.50 
Allen, J LIV  £0.50 
Costa, D CHE  £36.00 
Odemwingie, P STO  £0.50 

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