Walthamstow Reds 2014/15

Dudley profile pic

In-ger-land: The Walthamstow Reds manager

Manager: Dudley (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name@dudleyben

Since: 2005 (co-founder and committee member – charts and graphs)

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – second in 2005/06)

Last season: 7th

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: House of Love – East 17

Season preview in one sentence: Are James Milner and Aiden McGeady really going to win you your first ever Kenna title in 10 years of trying?

Cech, P CHE  £                1.00
Flanagan, J LIV  £                0.50
Janmaat, D NEW  £                4.00
Williams, A SWA  £                4.00
Pieters, E STO  £                2.00
Lamela, E TOT  £             28.00
McGeady, A EVE  £                0.50
Milner, J MCY  £                0.50
Walcott, T ARS  £             18.00
Ideye, B WBA  £                0.50
Rooney, W MUN  £             39.00
     £             98.00m

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Sporting Lesbian 2014/15

Ben M profile

Sloth: The Sporting Lesbian manager

Manager: Ben M (Cumbria)

Twitter name@BenMarcangelo

Since: 2012

Last season: 8th

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2012/13

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts musicLesbian Seagull – David van Driessen

Season preview in one sentence: The expensive Sanchez and Sterling aside, only time will tell whether the Kenna champions from two seasons ago are a team of canny buys or complete dross.

de Gea, D MUN  £                1.00
Coleman, S EVE  £             14.00
Demichelis, M MCY  £                0.50
Luis, F CHE  £             10.00
Tomkins, J WHM  £                0.50
Paulinho TOT  £                0.50
Sterling, R LIV  £             33.00
Westwood, A AVL  £                0.50
Hernandez, P SWA  £                0.50
Sanchez, A ARS  £             34.00
Pelle, G SOT  £                3.00
     £             97.50m

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Kenna League 10th anniversary auction: photos

THE Saturday afternoon of 9 August 2014 marked a momentous day in London pub-based fantasy football: the 10th anniversary auction of the Kenna League.

With the competition now in it’s first week (Kenna table below), 10 photos of this historic occasion show the day in all its glory.

All photos and captions by the Still Don’t Know Yet manager.

The chairman begins what he describes to everyone but his fiancee as his most important speech of the year

The chairman begins what he describes to everyone but his fiancee as his most important speech of the year

Ahead of the auction the Kenna League chairman made a short address to the 16 managers gathered above The Carpenter’s Arms near Marble Arch.

Traditionally consisting of flimsy and inappropriate jokes about the cultural origins of league members, this 10th anniversary’s Fozzie Bear performance made reference to the number 10 being linked to the average age children are radicalised in Somalia…after reading Treasure Island…as part of the school curriculum.

Sadly, the league’s Somali representative was not present to take offence.

The Hairy Fadjeetas manager using Excels patented tight-fisted Yorkshireman feature to ensure he stays within budget

The Hairy Fadjeetas manager using Excel’s patented tight-fisted Yorkshireman feature to ensure he stays within budget

Still on the run after brutally beating a female Sky Sports News presenter to death on Chobham Common, one manager was forced to dial into the auction from his Swiss hideout.

A Kenna manager's best friend...and an auction brochure LOLZ

A Kenna manager’s best friend…and an auction brochure LOLZ

A classic auction photo. See how the additional challenge of rampant alcoholism has this manager consider tabling a bid for West Bromwich Albion reserve goalkeeper Boaz Myhill.

Hamas were always going to struggle to pass the fit and proper owner test

Hamas were always going to struggle to pass the fit and proper owner test

Managers arriving at Marble Arch tube station that day were greeted by a ‘Free Palestine’ demonstration, which most of them ignored. Except the Piedmonte manager, who turned up to the auction late carrying a placard.

Managers hang on the chairman's every word

Managers hang on the chairman’s every word

Is this the last ever photo of the Bramble Jersey? The Wigan Athletic shirt thought to have been worn by the notorious defender were among the league effects to disappear after the auction when an errant taxi driver cheesed it.

The fate of Le Maillot Merde, the Bramble bell, auction hammer, Kenna HQ keys and pornographic playing cards are still at the mercy of the Transport for London lost property department.

As with any marathon-length event carbohydrate loading was essential

As with any marathon-length event carbohydrate loading was essential

This year’s auction took six hours, which is a test of stamina for any fantasy football manager. For the Fat Ladies boss, returning to the league after a few years, the event proved too much on liquid alone and he cracked.

Auditions for a remake of Brideshead Revisted were also taking place

Auditions for a remake of Brideshead Revisted were also taking place

Alexander the Great, on some ancient campaign, came across the Gordian Knot: a piece of rope so tangled that the greatest minds in the known world could not untie it. Alexander solved the problem by chopping through the knot with his sword.

Here the Judean Peoples’ Front manager talks a similar approach to a conundrum that has bugged the Kenna since the public smoking ban. How does a pub-based fantasy football auction that usually takes place in upstairs rooms allow managers to chuff on a tab and take part in proceedings?

Technically he’s not flouting the law. In reality he looks like Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik.

Deep in concentration or possibly just passing wind

Deep in concentration or possibly just passing wind

Armed with a player list and their wits – well, just a player list – managers attempt to buy eleven players during the auction…

Just a couple to steady the nerves

Just a couple to steady the nerves

…which can be thirsty work.

Thanks Tactical Brambler but we still hate you

Thanks Tactical Brambler but we still hate you

Tired of wiping the floor with the floor with the league and all that prize money, and much maligned after discovering the sharp practice of tactical Brambling, the FC Testiculadew manager sought to increase his popularity by donating his Emerson World Cup winnings to the bar at the 10th anniversary auction.

The chairman thought long and hard about the how best to spend this sum and came up with master plan of half a case of champagne. For those looking to organise their own fantasy football auction, this worked well as managers were instantly talkative and engaged in proceedings.

One learning point for the future would be to not buy as much champagne, for after a couple of hours there was a definite lull. After that memories are sketchy.

Kenna table

Kenna table - 19 August 2014

Kenna table – 19 August 2014

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Bala Rinas 2014/15


Day release: The Bala Rinas manager

Manager: Lewis (Wales)

Twitter name@jsl105

Since: 2007 (committee member – treasurer)

Last season: 3rd

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – last season)

Sympathies: Wrexham

Darts musicC.R.E.A.M. – Wu Tang Clan

Season preview in one sentence: Chamakh and Jovetic yet to perform to their heralded potential in the Kenna, so it looks like the treasurer will be relying on Cahill, Ramsey and Eriksen to better last season’s third place.

Guzan, B AVL  £0.50 
Cahill, G CHE  £15.00 
Lovren, D LIV  £9.00 
Rafael MUN  £0.50 
Trippier, K BUR  £0.50 
Eriksen, C TOT  £24.00 
Ramsey, A ARS  £20.00 
Tadic, D SOT  £10.00 
Sissoko, M NEW  £3.00 
Jovetic, S MCY  £11.00 
Chamakh, M CRY  £0.50 

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Young Boys of Vauxhall 2014/15


Far quenelle: The Young Boys manager

Manager: Denney (Wales)

Twitter name@andenney

Since: 2006

Last season: 16th

Trohpy cabinet: Champions 2010/11, Canesten Combi Cup winners 2008/09

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts music: We Don’t Talk Anymore – Sir Cliff Richard

Season preview in one sentence: Accomplished back five – should Don Vito get a starting berth – but flimsy going forward and unlikely to be able to do it on a cold, wet Tuesday night in Stoke.

Mannone, V SUN  £                4.00
Baines, L EVE  £             17.00
Jones, P MUN  £                8.00
Kolarov, A MCY  £                5.00
Terry, J CHE  £             17.00
Markovic, L LIV  £                5.00
Sigurdsson, G SWA  £             10.00
Arteta, M ARS  £                0.50
Hoilett, J QPR  £                9.00
Krkic, B STO  £             20.00
Riviere, E NEW  £                0.50
     £             96.00m

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Lokomotiv Leeds 2014/15

Ben S profile pic

All over my face: The Lokomotiv Leeds manager

Manager: Ben S (Yorkshire)

Twitter name@BenCSilver

Since: 2011

Last season: 12th

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – runner up in 2011/12)

Sympathies: Leeds

Darts musicBicycle Race – Queen

Season preview in one sentence: Still struggling to follow up an impressive debut three years ago, emerges from the auction with some agricultural defending, hotchpotch midfield options and Ivorians up front: lottery.

Heaton, T BUR  £                0.50
Shawcross, R STO  £                2.00
Stones, J EVE  £                6.00
Vertonghen, J TOT  £                5.00
Gibbs, K ARS  £                2.00
Herrera, A MUN  £             15.00
Silva, D MCY  £             25.00
de Jong, S NEW  £             10.00
Nzonzi, S STO  £                0.50
Bony, W SWA  £             15.00
Drogba, D CHE  £                0.50
     £             81.50m

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Cowley Casuals 2014/15

Stu manager pic

Buckets of potential: The Cowley Casuals manager

Manager: Stu (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name@sfinch100

Since: 2012

Last season: Did not enter

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league finish – 17th in 2012/13)

Sympathies: Wolves

Darts music: Menergy – Patrick Cowley

Season preview in one sentence: Returning to the Kenna after a season off, the manager has assembled a competent side most likely to be undone by squad rotation.

Forster, F SOT  £                0.50
Caulker, S QPR  £                4.00
Lescott, J WBA  £                2.00
Jenkinson, C WHM  £                4.00
Naughton, K TOT  £                0.50
Bolasie, Y CRY  £                2.00
Coutinho, P LIV  £             23.00
Willian CHE  £                8.00
Ince, T HUL  £                4.00
Lukaku, R EVE  £             10.00
Ings, D BUR  £                6.00
     £             64.00m

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Hairy Fadjeetas 2014/15


Wheeler dealer: The Hairy Fadjeetas manager

Manager: Aiden (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Last season: 13th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – 9th in 2012/13)

Sympathies: Sheffield Wednesday

Darts musicThe Vag1na Song

Season preview in one sentence: Creativity in midfield, but severely limited striking options and the Scottish Cafu in defence will leave title challenge hopes stranded in the bush.

Mignolet, S LIV  £                6.00
Taylor, N SWA  £                0.50
Mangala, E MCY  £                0.50
Rosenior, L HUL  £                0.50
Hutton, A AVL  £                0.50
Barkley, R EVE  £             10.00
Oxlade-Chamberlain, A ARS  £             10.00
Hazard, E CHE  £             23.00
Rodwell, J SUN  £             11.00
Murray, G CRY  £                4.00
Nugent, D LEI  £                2.00
     £             68.00m

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Life’s a beach for St Reatham FC manager, but team left in limbo

St Reatham FC manager in the pool

Sink or swim: The St Reatham FC gaffer’s hands off management approach has come under fire

PLAYERS and fans of St Reatham FC have been left stunned following news that the team boss has jetted away for a luxury break, just days before the Kenna League football season gets under way.

In what is being described as a ‘typical, career-defining PR gaffe’, the St Reatham manager has spent the past few days on the Amalfi coast, posting pictures on Facebook and enjoying the once-popular ‘poke’ function rather than concentrating on important on-field issues.

It’s understood that tactics for the coming campaign have yet to be discussed and training sessions have been cancelled.

Away from the pitch a team vigil at Chobham Common to mark the tragic, and yet unsolved, murder of Sky Sports New presenter Natalie Sawyer at the site has been rescheduled.

This latest blunder follows bizarre claims that he preferred to join Saturday’s Kenna auction via video link from Switzerland because “it’s more befitting for a man of my status.”

In a statement released by the PR machine he co-owns, he said simply: “I’ve got Mata.”

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Case of the ‘missing’ strike force leaves Bikini Lane boss hanging by short and curlies

David Nugent

Out of his depth: David Nugent floundered during his previous spell in the Kenna (photo: Liverpool Pics)

ANGRY fans have turned on the Hairy Fadjeetas boss before a ball has even been kicked in this season’s Kenna campaign.

Within hours of an auction ‘shambles’ that saw the Fadjeetas commit just £68 million of a £100 million transfer kitty, serious questions are being asked at Bikini Lane.

Particular venom has been reserved for the outfit’s new strike partnership of Glenn Murray and David Nugent.

Murray is unproven at the highest level in English football, while Nugent proved awful during his last stint in Kenna in 2007.

Cunny Lingus, general secretary of the Fans of Fadge supporter’s group, said: “There’s a real sense of frustration with the club after a rather insipid auction performance – particularly as we don’t have a strike force. Talk about cows’ arses and banjos, it’s a shambles.”

But hitting back on social media the Fadjeetas chief was quick to defend his tactics. “Goals and creativity in midfield,” he tweeted. “Hazard, The Ox, Rodwell and Barkley.” And in a not-so-veiled reference to last season’s lack of cutting edge: “Murray and Nugent better than Soldado and Hernandez.”

The City’s money men have also leapt to defend the tightening of purse strings with a source declaring: “He’s got Hazard for £23 million, that’s the cheapest he’s ever signed for and a real bargain. And there’s surely more goals up front than last year at a fraction of the cost.”

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