Free to a good home

Two potential future Kenna chairmen. Hardly witnessed any substance abuse and content to watch Polish satellite television Premier League multi room for limited periods before demanding badly-written, dog-themed American animation show. Promising careers beckon but feud over Kenna top job ascendancy possible. Would love to keep them but seriously hinder administration of the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league.

February, March, April season highlights

  • Molesey Massive have clung onto lead at the top of the table, despite surge from Walthamstow Reds which sees the sides within a point of each other at the end of April
  • Top six positions remained unchanged for three months until Barry Town edged ahead of Thame Network Solutions last week
  • Thieving Magpies have twice climbed out of the relegation zone before twice sliding back in
  • Clotted Cream First reach third Covid Cup final in four seasons. Cream beat two times cup winner the Chairman in the semi final
  • Cream face Pikey Scum in the final next weekend. Whoever wins will be the first manager in the history of the Kenna to win three cups

Kenna week 30

Full scores available from The Rub

Kenna week 26 – 26 April 2022

Kenna week 29

Kenna week 29 – 19 April 2022

Covid Cup semi final second leg

Chairman 21 (56) – 41 (82) Clotted Cream First
Reds 31 (52) – 22 (57) Pikey Scum

Kenna week 28

Kenna week 28 – 12 April 2022

Covid Cup semi final first leg

Chairman 35 – 41 Clotted Cream First
Reds 21 – 35 Pikey Scum

Kenna week 27

Kenna week 27 – 5 April 2022

Covid Cup quarter final second leg

Chairman 23 (67) – 23 (52) Dynamo Charlton
Clotted Cream First 28 (69) – 30 (65) Craft Beer Wankers
Molesley Massive 29 (54) – 28 (71) Reds
Barry Town 16 (52) – 32 (61) Pikey Scum

Kenna week 26

Kenna week 26 - 22 March 2022
Kenna week 26 – 22 March 2022

Covid Cup quarter final first leg

Chairman 44 – 29 Dynamo Charlton
Clotted Cream First 41 – 35 Craft Beer Wankers
Molesley Massive 25 – 43 Reds
Barry Town 36 – 29 Pikey Scum

Kenna week 25

Kenna week 25 - 15 March 2022
Kenna week 25 – 15 March 2022

Covid Cup last 16 second leg

Chairman 59 (86) – 16 (44) Dark Lord
Dynamo Charlton 38 (61) – 27 (36) Hairy Fadjeetas
Piss Poor 34 (80) – 48 (87) Clotted Cream First
TNS 45 (84) – 37 (92) Craft Beer Wankers
Molesley Massive 50 (90) – 29 (41) Daggers
Cowley Casuals 46 (105) – 53 (110) Reds
Barry Town 42 (70) – 7 (17) Bala Rinas
Lokomotiv 31 (62) – 39 (63) Pikey Scum

Kenna week 24

Kenna week 24 - 9 March 2022
Kenna week 24 – 9 March 2022

Covid Cup last 16 first leg

Chairman 27 – 28 Dark Lord
Dynamo Charlton 23 – 9 Hairy Fadjeetas
Piss Poor 46 – 39 Clotted Cream First
TNS 39 – 55 Craft Beer Wankers
Molesley Massive 40 – 12 Daggers
Cowley Casuals 59 – 57 Reds
Barry Town 28 – 10 Bala Rinas
Lokomotiv 31 – 24 Pikey Scum

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Chairman’s keynote address to the 17th Kenna transfer window

The Colton Arms, West Kensington, Saturday 5 February 2022, 1pm

Welcome to the Kenna transfer window, the first in-person transfer
window for two years.

And what a couple of years it’s been. Looking around at the faces gathered here today I can see lockdown, the anxiety, the stress, it’s really taken its toll.

I look in the eyes of managers and I can see they’re emptier than Anfield when Liverpool won their first Premier League. Emptier even than 10 March 2001 in Woking Pizza Express.

But salvation is here. The Kenna transfer window is upon us and your wellbeing is restored. At least until you start signing players.

Over the last two years the world has changed in many ways, but one phenomenon of particular note is the traditional elites becoming more accountable for their personal conduct.

No longer does enormous wealth, fame, or political power insulate your ethical failings.

The prime minister can’t have a drink at work.

Novak Djokovic can’t get into Australia.

Harvey Weinstein can’t get laid.

Prince Andrew can’t not sweat all over a teenage girl, even a teenage
who’s procuring more teenage girls for him not to sweat over.

Idris Elba can’t even get into this pub.

So amongst all this moral consternation you had every right to arrive today concerned.

Concerned that with many traditional power structures being uprooted the Kenna executive may not be beyond reproach.

As your chairman I’m her to tell you those concerns are completely unfounded. The Kenna League is here to stay.

The admin errors, the vague rules around the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling, the vice chairman not pulling his weight. Everything you know about the Kenna remains untouched.

But I bring a stark warning. Now I’m not the kind of autocratic, fear mongering leader who would create an enemy out of thin air to further legitimise my own iron grip on the regime, but the Kenna has emerged from the pandemic with a new enemy: Autofillism.

Too many managers are leaving the fortunes of their team to the autofill. Too many managers are not coming to the pub. Too many managers are not buying a round.

Let’s take one of the biggest proponents of autofillism, the Judean Peoples’ Front manager.

He hasn’t turned up to a Kenna event for so long I was beginning to take it personally.

But then I checked his social media accounts. I saw the classic car rallies in Italy, the auctions in Pebble Beach, the hobnobbing in the south of France, and I realised Breivik is just as absent a father as he is a Kenna manager.

And there you have it: the worst insult that could possibly levelled at anyone in the league, and Breivik isn’t even here to respond.

Because it turns out he’s just as absent a Kenna manager as he is a father.

Nevertheless, to counter the rising threat of autofillism next season rules will be introduced to punish those absent and reward those present.

The rules are likely to involve buyout clauses at the February transfer window for autofilled players. The rules are likely to be draconian. The rules are likely to be ill-conceived and easily misunderstood.

But that’s the Kenna. That’s why you keep coming back. Most of you certainly don’t come to win anything.

Let the transfer window begin.

Covid Cup quarter final first leg fixtures this weekend

Chairman v Dark Lord
Dynamo Charlton v Hairy Fadjeetas
Piss Poor v Clotted Cream First
TNS v Craft Beer Wankers
Molesley Massive v Daggers
Cowley Casuals v Reds
Barry Town v Bala Rinas
Lokomotiv v Pikey Scum

Kenna League week 23

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 23 – 22 February 2022

Kenna League week 22

Kenna week 22 – 15 February 2022
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SUE Gray has completely exonerated the chairman of any wrongdoing in her report filed this week.

The inquiry found the vice chairman guilty of touching several children in his club’s academy, and Sue Gray has reported him to the police.

The vice chairman’s side was ditched out of the Covid Cup this week ahead of the knockout round, along with Judean Peoples’ Front, Thieving Magpies, and Test Team (please ignore).

“When I arrive at the transfer window on Saturday the chairman’s going to get both barrels,” fumed the vice chairman while loading his colonial cosplay elephant gun.

Even though the window promises to be a special event, with many league members not having seen each other in person for at least two years, the managers of Reds and Casuals maintain they’ll be drinking nothing stronger than coffee on the 10.34 from Oxford.

Transfer window schedule this Saturday

11.37am – Idris Elba tries to get into the Colton Arms but is turned away

12pm – managers gather in the Colton Arms

12.45pm – window opens

6pm – window closes

Free agents scoring at least three points a week this season

Rudiger – 101
Ramsdale – 99
Kilman – 91
Emmanuel Dennis – 86
Fornals – 85
Saiss – 82
Norgaard – 79
Smith Rowe – 79
Mbuemo – 78
Regulion – 75
Edouard – 75
Rice – 75
Canos – 71
Odegaard – 71
Josh King – 69
Kovacic – 69
Gundogan – 68
Townsend – 67
Hojbjerg – 67
Tomiyasu – 66
Krul – 65
Buendia – 63
McTominay – 63
Mac Allister – 63
Moder – 62
Janelt – 61
Jacob Ramsey – 61

Released players and war chests

Managers may release one additional wildcard player at any time during the window

ManagerReleasedBramble tiedWar chestGaps
Bala RinasCedric, Hendo, Thiago, Savile70.5DF, MFx2, ST
FadgesBertrand, Holgate, Taylor, Ndombele, Jensen70DFx3, MFx2
Test TeamAurier, Cahill, Bailey, GreenwoodDigne/Bailey57.5DFx2, MF, ST
Lokomotiv LeedsPVA, Holding, Havertz, Rodri, Martial51.5DFx2, MFx2, ST
PirateBen Davies, Ryan Fraser42DF, MF
Piss PoorPereira, Traore B, Maitland-Niles39DF, MFx2
Vice chairmanAreola, Mendy, Zouma, J Rod, Burn, Gil, Barnes36GK, DFx3, MFx2, ST
DaggersFred, Doucoure, Nketiah36MFx2, ST
Pikey ScumLo Celso35.5MF
Cowley CasualsLeno, Fofana, Doherty26.5GK, DFx2
Barry TownBoly, Bellerin, Young, Eze, Joelinton26DFx3, MF, ST
CreamF Torres, A Traore25.5ST, MF
Reverse CowboysAbraham25ST
Dynamo CharltonWan-Bissaka, Wilson C23.5DF, ST
Molseley MassiveShaw, Targett, Pulisic, Ayoze14.5DFx2, MFx2
Dark LordAuba, Chilwell14DF, ST
RedsGodfrey, Pepe, Benteke14DF, MF, ST

Kenna League week 20

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 20 - 25 January 2022
Kenna week 20 – 25 January 2022

Kenna League week 19

Kenna week 19 - 18 January 2022
Kenna week 19 – 18 January 2022

Covid Cup group stage final standings

Covid Cup - 25 January 2022
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50 shades of Sue Gray

SUE Gray will lead an inquiry into allegations the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league’s cup competition is corrupt.

The vice chairman and Thieving Magpies manager were stunned this week to find four rounds of the Covid Cup had already been played and they were both already knocked out. They have welcomed Sue Gray’s investigation.

“Sue Gray will absolutely find the Kenna chairman is rotten to the core, and Sue Gray will found out in the only way Sue Gray can,” said the vice chairman.

“If Sue Gray does what Sue Gray does best, the chairman will be found out for what he is: a lying, cheating administrator, and what he is not: Sue Gray.”

Top of Sue Gray’s to do list is uncovering why the Covid Cup scores were not published until this week even though the competition has been running since early December. The Thieving Magpies backed Sue Gray.

“When I lie awake at night trying to make sense of how both the chairman and the league treasurer are top of their respective cup groups, I think of Sue Gray,” said the Pies manager.

“If anyone can get the bottom of this, it’s Sue Gray. Anyone who knows Sue Gray will know Sue Gray will do everything possible in the most Sue Gray way Sue Gray can. Implicitly, I trust Sue Gray.”

Interviewed as he arrived at Kenna HQ this morning, the chairman said: “I don’t know why Sue Gray has been brought in, when clearly there’s nothing for Sue Gray to uncover.

“The cup scores are genuine so I’m more than happy for Sue Gray to look into it, because Sue Gray won’t find out what Sue Gray won’t find out. What Sue Gray will find out is the cup scores are above board. Above my board, above the league’s board, above the cup competition’s board, and most importantly of all above Sue Gray’s board.

“If I know Sue Gray like I know Sue Gray, then I know Sue Gray will bring everything Sue Gray has to the table. It’s known to those who know Sue Gray as ‘Full Sue Gray’, and I will happily bare all for full Sue Gray, or come to that half Sue Gray, third Sue Gray, quarter Sue Gray, or fifteenth Sue Gray.

“I’m simply concerned the vice chairman is using his long-running vendetta against me, the chairman, to bring in Sue Gray over a non-Sue Gray matter, which in all honesty will be a waste of time for me, a waste of time for the league, and crucially a waste of time for Sue Gray.”

Rumours abound Sue Gray will also investigate the league’s finances, and an alleged conspiracy between the chairman, the treasurer, and the Cuddington Reverse Cowboys boss to syphon manager subscriptions into an offshore Ponzi scheme which is invisible to anyone called Sue Gray.

“If Sue Gray wants to inspect our balance sheets, Sue Gray can bring all the financial knowledge Sue Gray has accumulated in the lifetime of Sue Gray, and Sue Gray will discover just one thing: our balance sheets balance to satisfaction of Sue Gray,” said the treasurer.

Sue Gray was unavailable for comment.

Kenna League week 18

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 18 – 11 January 2022

Covid Cup – group stage round four

Covid Cup – 11 January 2022
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‘Managerial talent poverty’ still rife in the Kenna

MANAGERIAL talent poverty is still rife in London pub-based fantasy football in 2022, according to a damning report released this week.

Published by a leading fantasy football charity the report titled ‘You’re shit, do you know you are?’ uses data science to pinpoint at least five managers in the Kenna League who despite years of competition are still ‘shit’.

Roland van Hauwermeiren, who was appointed director of the Kenna Foundation in 2018 with a glowing CV in the charity sector, said: “How can this still be happening in 2022? I honestly thought when I took this job any manager could win the Kenna and I’d just be helping them with their substance abuse issues – incidentally, I was also made promises about girls that haven’t been kept – but we still see managers struggling in the Kenna season after season.

“The league has been running for 17 years but time and again managers like Breivik and the Pirate come up short (it’s no wonder they’ve stopped paying their syndicate contributions…). Look at Walthamstow Reds, they’re evidence if you stick around long enough you’ll win.”

The Christmas period saw Molesey Massive extend their lead at the top of the Kenna over Dynamo Charlton, but with respective star players Mo Salah and Sadio Mane on duty in Africa for the next few weeks the opportunity is there for Joao Cancelo’s Walthamstow Reds pull back some points.

At the foot of the table, Young Boys are finding it almost as hard to get out of the relegation zone as Novak Djokovic is to get through Australian immigration. Shots in the arm needed all round.

Kenna League weeks 15 to 17

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna weeks 15 to 17 – 4 January 2022
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Bungling F1 suits: ‘Kenna our inspiration’

ADMINISTRATORS behind Sunday’s farcical finish to the Formula 1 season in Abu Dhabi have claimed they were inspired by the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league.

Accused of ‘making it up as they went along’ to snatch the world title from Lewis Hamilton on the last lap, the FIA defended their handling of a late safety car incident saying it was ‘Kenna League best practice’.

‘For me the best part of the Kenna auction is when league blazers argue over how to interpret the signing of an illegal player using the Titus Bramble forfeit process,’ said F1 Race Director Michael Masi.

‘Bramble regulations are written down somewhere, but these appear to be largely discarded in favour of an arbitrary and subjective ruling based on factors such as which player the manager could lose, how much they paid for him, past Kenna success, how far into the Gary Player they are, and whether it will send the vice chairman into a 10-minute rant.

‘When that safety car came out at the Yas Marina circuit I immediately knew I could ‘Give it the Bramble’,’said Masi.

The Kenna chairman welcomed Masi’s comments.

‘Leading sports administrators should always look to learn best practice from each other, it’s why we regularly enjoy a Zurich lunch at Kenna HQ while being wary of Yorkshiremen.’

The Kenna and the FIA have a rich shared history. While the 2008 Kenna auction took place at the Edgar Wallace on Essex Street, just around the corner FIA president Max Moseley won a case at the Royal Courts of Justice to the effect that even though he took part in a Nazi-themed orgy the newspapers shouldn’t have published it.

‘Max has been close to the heart of our list of Bramble forfeit players ever since,’ said the chairman.

Kenna League week 14

Kenna week 14 - 14 December 2021
Kenna week 14 – 13 December 2021
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Kenna auction ‘wasn’t a party’

Families of Covid victims have expressed outrage over reports the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league held a party in violation of social distancing restrictions.

Kenna HQ maintains the August auction was an ‘essential’ activity respecting Covid rules, but a photo of an obscene bar bill which emerged this week has drawn infuriated criticism.

‘The August auction was essential league business attended by only six managers in person. It certainly did not include cheese, wine, Christmas jumpers, or a Secret Santa. The fact it included countless pints of Neck Oil is neither here nor there,” guffawed the Kenna chairman at a press conference rehearsal.

Repeated denials a party took place have angered the public, many of whom have pointed out someone died from Covid for every time a manager signed an overpriced player.

With pressure mounting on the Kenna executive, the chairman was forced to send out a sacrificial lamb.

In a tearful address outside his London home this morning, the vice chairman said: “I will regret my decision not to attend the auction for the rest of my life.

“The British people have made immense sacrifices in the battle against Covid-19.

“To all of you who lost loved ones, endured intolerable loneliness and struggled with your businesses – I am sorry and this afternoon I have offered my resignation to the chairman.”

The Kenna HQ faithful broke ranks to condemn the league’s actions.

“Young people look to the Kenna League as a moral guide and the pinnacle of achievement on equal terms. Those young people have not only been led astray, they’ve been severely let down,” said Kenna Head of Child Safeguarding Ghislaine Maxwell.

Kenna League week 13

Kenna week 13 - 7 December 2021
Kenna week 13 – 7 December 2021

Kenna League week 12

Kenna week 12 – 1 December 2021

Kenna League week 11

Kenna week 11 – 24 November 2021
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Kenna commits to be net Bramble zero by 2050

THE world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league has pledged to eliminate Brambling by 2050.

The Kenna League plans to gradually reduce the number of times the Titus Bramble forfeit process is triggered at auctions and transfer windows over the next three decades, but many commentators believe the Kenna HQ leadership has bigger concerns.

‘Brambling is the number one threat to our society,’ said the Kenna chairman arriving at COP26 by private jet with a Red Arrows flypast.

While many Kenna League managers haven’t Brambled in years, one point politicians and activists in Glasgow can agree on is there are outliers who threaten the net Bramble zero 2050 target.

‘The Pirate shows up to every auction saying he’ll play with a straight bat before losing Alvaro Morata on a Bramble and Alexis Sanchez to a Bramble buyout clause. It’s just ‘blah blah blah’,’ said a Swedish protestor outside the conference.

There is considerable apprehension a major power with an opaque, paranoia-inducing regime has the potential to undermine the net zero commitment, but the Dark Lord claims his days of tactical Brambling are truly behind him.

Proposals to reduce Brambling in the Kenna by managers going substance abuse neutral by 2030 were laughed out of COP26 so hard several world leaders woke up.

Kenna League week 10

Kenna week 10 - 6 November 2021
Kenna week 10 – 6 November 2021
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Necrophiliac David Fuller admits assaulting ‘dead’ Kenna title hopes

A hospital worker who assaulted dozens of female corpses over a number of years also interfered with ‘dead’ Kenna title hopes.

David Fuller, 67, assaulted several doomed title challenges in the world’s leading fantasy football league over several seasons, Maidstone Crown Court heard.

Police who raided Fuller’s home found indecent images and videos of the hospital electrician abusing the PSV Mornington’s title hopes in May 2014, six months after the manager was sacked, and the Pirates’ title hopes in 2015 and 2020, in both those seasons the team finished last.

“Evidence shows he had particular interest in the assault of dead fantasy football title challenges,” prosecutor Duncan Atkinson QC said. 

“There were both photographs and videos which showed the defendant sexually abusing female corpses in the mortuaries of the two hospitals at which he worked, first the Kent and Sussex Hospital, where he worked full time from 1989, and then the Tunbridge Wells Hospital, to which he moved in 2010.

“The images and videos can be dated to a period that included his employment at both hospitals, and they show the defendant performing acts of sexual penetration on females of significantly varying ages. And some Kenna teams’ title hopes.”

David Fuller is set to be a priority Bramble player at the Kenna February transfer window.

The trail continues.

Kenna League week 9

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 9 - 2 November 2021
Kenna week 9 – 2 November 2021

Kenna League week 8

Kenna week 8 - 26 October 2021
Kenna week 8 – 26 October 2021
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Inside the chairman’s Kenna HQ

The old habits of secrecy haven’t left Kim Kuk-song.

It has taken weeks of discussions to get an interview with him, and he’s still worried about who might be listening. He wears dark glasses for the camera, and only two of our team know what we think is his real name.

Mr Kim spent 30 years working his way to the top ranks of Kenna League manager experiences department. The agency is the “eyes, ears, and brains of the Kenna chairman”, he says.

He claims he kept their secrets, sent former footballers to intimidate Kenna managers, and even built an illegal drugs-lab to stock the Kenna HQ executive toilet.

Now, the former senior colonel has decided to tell his story to the BBC. It’s the first time such a senior executive from Kenna HQ has given an interview to a major broadcaster.

Mr Kim was the “Kennaist of the Kenna”, he says in an exclusive interview. A loyal manager experiences servant.

But rank and loyalty do not guarantee your safety in Kenna HQ.

Cheerfully stolen from the BBC.

Kenna League week 7

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 7 - 5 October 2021
Kenna week 7 – 5 October 2021
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