Vasco De Beauvoir’s awful run of form has landed them in the relegation zone for the first time since before their double-winning 2009/10 season.
“The fans are starting to restless but I’m sure we can answer our critics with results on the pitch,” said the Vasco De Beauvoir gaffer-OUT, while trying to tempt Craig Gardner down from his hiding place in a tree.
Title challengers Lokomotiv Leeds face a not-so-happy New Year with the prospect of losing their star midfielder Yaya Touré to the African Cup of Nations.
“Our country needs people like myself and Didier Drogba because there is a war and it’s important we do what we can for our people, but this is also a crucial time of the season,” said Touré, studiously doing keepy ups while seven friends carrying Russian assault rifles beckoned him from the rear of a 1988 Toyota Hilux.
Lokomotiv find themselves in a top three separated by only 18 points going into Christmas week.
“We’ve got plenty of talent in midfield to maintain pressure on FCT and Newington Reds in Yaya’s absence,” said the Lokomotiv manager at the club’s training ground, before diving for cover from another errant Victor Moses goal attempt.
Newington Reds are also set to lose prolific, Senegalese striker Demba Ba to the tournament in Gabon and Equatorial Guinea.
The PSV Mornington manager stared down at the remains of his arroz con leche and sighed a heavy sigh.
His self-imposed exile of the last few days was not having its desired effect. He’d locked himself in his office and hadn’t seen anyone outside the room since Saturday night.
He turned up his face and spoke slowly: “Just when I was starting to get a run of form together Gary Cahill gets sent off and Frank Lampard misses a penalty. How can I make up the 36 points to climb the next place in the table with most of my team misfiring?”
This short outburst over the PSV manager returned his gloomy gaze to the table.
“I want my team to play with the freedom and the fluidity of yours. How have you made such a team of superstars gel, when I can’t even get Salgado and Wes Brown to spring an offside trap?” he said, as much to his glass of hot chocolate as to anyone else.
Utterly at odds with himself, the PSV boss wiped away a tear before heading to the sofa for this third siesta of the day.
The life-sized, cardboard cut out of Pep Guardiola propped against the door stared in silence.
Kenna HQ announced this week that they’ve sold the Cannestan Combi Cup TV rights to Channel 5.
A glamorous unveiling of the new deal, worth £50 and a 1995 Panini sticker of John Solako playing for Crystal Palace, was made in an exclusive central London venue.
The Chairman said: “Being positive about equal rights, we made sure there was a BME guy on stage when we announced the deal. It’s also good for business in the subcontinent.
“We tried to get John Barnes, but he was booked raising awareness for some cause or other.”
Kenna critics have pointed out that the cup is nothing more than a moneyspinner for the administration, and claim that the publication of last week’s table today shows a lack of committment to the competition.
A press release from Kenna HQ said: “The Chairman’s been so busy flying to Ukraine for the Euro 2012 draw that there simply hasn’t been time to post the results.
“The good news, however, is that the Chairman has successfully met with the president of the Polish FA in Kiev to get some advice on securing new premisis for Kenna HQ.
“In the cup last week some stuff happened. We’re pretty sure no one reads this far down anyway, and there are loads of group games left too, so who cares at this stage?”
Even without Rafa van der Vaart, Lokomotiv Leeds are giving FC Testiculadew a challenge; Little Pea, Dean Sturridge and the unlikely Victor Moses providing the lion’s share of the team’s points this week.
It’s fortunate that the Yorkshire club are just Juan Mata’s contribution this week behind, as the pack are ambling along 50 points off the leader.
The Chairman said: “Betting without Lokomotiv, only a small miracle can stop Mata and his FCT chums from completely running off with the league.
“Well, either a small miracle or playing Rooney deep in midfield and leaving Dzeko on the bench for a few games, although the latter doesn’t seem to be helping.”
A little later than planned, last week’s scores are now available.
The table would’ve been up sooner, but the Chairman and Vasco boss were away on a management training course (in separate hotel rooms, mind).
Honoured to have been invited, the Vasco manager prepared a 30-minute PowerPoint presentation for the group entitled ‘Leading Your Team To Success’.
Unfortunately, the delegates did not share the Vasco manager’s enthusiasm for going through each week’s spreadsheet of the 2005/06 season, and he made a sharp exit before the crowd turned.
Luckily, the Chairman had already started the car.
Once this cursed international break is over, we’ll have definitely learned one thing: a team can be as comfortable in their fancy dan possession as they like, but to win matches a side doesn’t need the skill to string together more than three passes.
Certainly, the England team, in fact England as a whole, will now adopt this philosophy and full-scale frenzy will descend upon the country until they slink out of Poland and/or Ukraine after losing on penalties to a Republic of Ireland team who can string together just two passes.
If any Englishmen out there start thinking “Maybe we could just do it this….” Stop! Have a word with yourself. We haven’t done it for 46 years.