It’s an unnerving time for the mid-table Kenna manager.
Dangling above, FC Testiculadew are slowly drawing in to tea bag the rest of the league.
Lying below, the tangled mess of Hairy Fadjeetas writhes unenticingly with just seven points this week.
“Sh1t! Football is sh1t!” fumed an apoplectic Fadjeetas boss from the rolled-down driver’s window of his 1995 Renault Clio, before checking the mirror, looking both ways and pulling away at a brisk, but ultimately sensible, speed from the hack pack outside the club’s Bikini Lane ground.
“We’re doing everything we can to get Titus back to full two-appearance-points status,” said the JPF manager, while breathing heavily down the phone to a girl on the witness protection scheme.