The Year of the Goatee

FCT manager at the auction
Bearded: The FCT manager’s public image suffered in 2012

DESPITE Luis Suarez and Sergio Aguero notching them up like John Terry’s bedpost, Sporting Lesbian go into the New Year with only a slender lead over the reigning champions.

FC Testiculadew shaved a point from the gap since Boxing Day morning with goals from Jonny Evans, Steven Pienaar and Dimitar Berbatov.

FCT enjoyed the added advantage of Danny Simpson missing Saturday evening’s game, while Lesbian Davide Santon had seven knocked past him and got booked.

Much maligned for the heinous crime of tactical Brambling during May’s Euros auction, the FCT boss hopes to regenerate his public profile in the New Year, as well as becoming the first manager to defend the league title.

“For some reason I’ve earned a bad reputation, but I hope that everyone can leave that unfortunate, summer misunderstanding in 2012 and see that behind the sinister facial hair I’m just a stand-up guy who can get the best from his team in all competitions,” said cad and bounder the FCT manager, while counting out 11 bullets into envelopes addressed to the Sporting Lesbian first team.

At the bottom, Bala Rinas climb out of the drop zone thanks to Gareth Bale and Daniel Agger. Wandsworth Window Lickers sink down most likely because their top scorer this week was Gabriel Obertan.

Looking into 2013, managers’ immediate focus will be on the cup ahead of this week’s fixtures, with every team in with a chance of progressing to the knockout stages.

League table

Week 18 - 31 December 2012
Week 18 – 31 December 2012

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Pikey Scum Jack 75 6
2 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 59 6
3 PSV Mornington El Pons 59 4
4 FC Testicluadew James N 50 3
5 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 49 3
6 Bala Rinas Lewis 48 4
7 Dynamo Charlton Alex 48 2
8 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 48 2
9 Just put Carles Carles 45 1
10 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 44 4
11 Piedmonte Phil 43 4
12 Northern Monkeys Hugo 43 3
13 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 43 1
14 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 37 0
15 Newington Reds Dudley 36 0
16 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 33 1
17 Headless Chickens John N 30 1
18 Greendale Rockets Stu 25 1
19 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 22 1
20 Woking Mike 11 0
Points Player
Player of the week 23 Walcott, T – ARS – MID
Club Pikey Scum
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A Christmas Carroll

Mince pies
Pie in the sky: Andy Carroll has pledged to his manager to score more goals

A KNOCK at the door announced the manager’s two o’clock meeting. Brief fumbling at the knob was followed by the entrance of the team’s star striker.

“Hello, Andy. Please take a seat. Have a mince pie,” said the Headless Chickens manager from behind his desk.

The lofty striker approached the chair eyeing the plate of Mr Kipling’s on the desk. Sitting down, he picked up one of the pies, sniffed it gingerly and wolfed it down.

“Andy, I’ve asked you in today to talk about your performances,” said the manager. “Remember at the start of the season…”

“Andy did a goal!” Interrupted the striker, banging his fists on the arm rests, wild excitement in his eyes.

“Yes, back at the start of the season Andy ‘did a goal'” conceded the Chickens manager. “But the problem is that Andy hasn’t scored many goals since then.”

The striker looked at the floor with sorrowful eyes and then meekly up at his manager.

“Well, we’re really here about a serious matter but…oh, alright then, but only because it’s Christmas,” the manager produced a banana from a drawer and threw it at the striker, who greedily unpeeled and ate it. The procedure demeaned them both, but the Chickens target man was always calmed by the yellow fruit and the manager had just had new carpets fitted.

“Now, Andy, remember those days when you first played in the Kenna?” said the manager.

“Andy did a goal! Andy did a goal! Andy did a goal!” Screamed the striker over and over again, jumping up and down on the chair and beating his fists on his chest.

After congratulating himself for not offering the glass of sherry the season’s custom had supplied his other visitors that day, the manager stood and tried to calm his player down, as always having to fall back on the usual ultimatum: “Look Andy, if you don’t stop this now, you’ll have to stay at Uncle Kevin’s house again!”

The effect was immediate. Andy stopped dry humping the cocktail cabinet and returned to his seat.

“Now Andy, unless you start producing the goods (no, put that away!) I’ve got no alternative than to put you on the transfer list for February’s window, and you know what that means.”

The striker nodded slowly. Everyone knew what it meant but the manager wanted to make his point.

“It means you’ll end up playing for some relegation-doomed outfit like Woking or Vasco De Beauvoir when everyone’s scratching around for players at the end of the transfer night. And do you think the managers there will give you bananas? So, you’re going to start ‘doing’ goals and you’re going to start ‘doing’ goals good.

“Now onto brighter things. It’s the club Christmas party tonight. By the way, what was your last club’s Christmas party like?”

The striker grinned: “Andy did a hole!”

League table

Week 17 - 25 December 2012
Week 17 – 25 December 2012

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 FC Testicluadew James N 41 2
2 Pikey Scum Jack 40 1
3 Dynamo Charlton Alex 38 2
4 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 36 2
5 Newington Reds Dudley 35 2
6 Piedmonte Phil 35 1
7 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 30 3
8 Greendale Rockets Stu 28 1
9 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 26 1
10 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 25 2
11 Just put Carles Carles 25 1
12 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 25 0
13 PSV Mornington El Pons 21 0
14 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 19 1
15 Bala Rinas Lewis 18 0
16 Headless Chickens John N 18 0
17 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 14 1
18 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 14 0
19 Woking Mike 12 0
20 Northern Monkeys Hugo 10 0
Points Player
Player of the week 13 Gerrard, S – LIV – MID
Club Still Don’t Know Yet
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Camisas de futbol


In the grand scheme of things, $45US may seem like a drop in the ocean, but as the starting price for a counterfeit Mexican club football top it was high. Too damned high.

It was a Chivas shirt, red and white stripes with ‘Toyota’ across the shoulders and the irresistible logo of mass bakers ‘Bimbo’ on the front.

There was neither name nor number on the back, and in this regard it failed in any attempts to become a prized asset. An opening offer could be reckless, and introduced itself at five bucks.

Taking it as the usual jest of a holidaymaker haemorrhaging cash on Playa del Carmen’s main drag, the vender dropped to 42. When his customer stuck to five, the pidgin pleasantries ended.

“I don’t give these away for free! Especially to a cheapskate like you!” was, one thought, in poor taste considering the trifling wages of underage sweatshop workers I’d just pointed out.

For the casual reader wondering why the hell one would take such a bearding as this for a fake piece of polyester, it’s difficult to explain just how integral a part these tops are to the game’s culture.

Latin America’s landscape is just as much characterised by rich, tropical vegetation, breathtaking mountain panoramas and faded beer marketing as it is by a weatherbeaten campesino wearing a number 10 Carlos Valderama shirt.

Parallels with some tattooed chancer in Chelsea ‘home’ sounding off in a Surrey pub are soon forgotten in the heat, tinny salsa music and desperately-cheap rum cocktails.

Many tourists buy wooden masks or moody silver trinkets, but to take home a mid-90s Campos, a Club América Blanco or a River Plate Ariel Ortega is to have a much more tangible slice of a country’s aspirations, reverence and achievement. Advertising is also a lot more unrestrained and a lot less ethical than European counterparts.

Back in the tat shop on the Caribbean coast things were turning nasty.

“This shirt is professional. It’s good quality, not like this cheap crap that you wear,” said the Mexican sales assistant tugging at my t-shirt to a generous offer of $15US.

I forgave the slight to French Connection and soldiered on. I’d already been ejected from one shop in similar circumstances, but I couldn’t help feeling sorry for these guys. They wouldn’t last 10 minutes in Marrakech.

I tried to pick up the bits of good will smashed on the floor by going to twenty, just to give him a chance, but the train of overweight gringos thronging along Avenida Quinta had irrecoverably altered market conditions. I wouldn’t be held to ransom.

From Rome to Cartagena the equivalent of £15 was the most these things would ever be worth, and no one in their right mind would give even half of that for this Chivas disaster. I always thought there’d be plenty of other chances.

However, that was a week ago and despite having visited a good many more places on the Yucatán peninsula since there’s been a hearty lack of football shirts for sale.

Just two full days remain and it feels more and more unlikely that an opportunity will present itself on the current schedule, and as sure as eggs is eggs I’m sure not stooping to a Manchester United Chicharito effort.

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Harry takes the Wii

Nintendo Wii
Taking the Wii: Kenna managers have accused Harry Redknapp of using punditry appearances as a shop window

A COLLECTIVE sigh of relief was heard on Friday in the vicinity of the relegation zone as Harry Redknapp took a new job.

The Bala Rinas, Woking and Vasco De Beauvoir managers were finding the maverick cockney’s ever-increasing punditry appearances uncomfortable viewing as he hinted at his future with every piece of analysis.

After seeing highlights of another awful performance from the last-placed club, Match of the Day’s Gary Lineker came straight out with it a week last Saturday, asking Redknapp if he fancied the job.

“As a recognised specialist of taking the reins of a struggling club just before the January transfer window and turning their fortunes around with a few chance signings that will financially drive them into the ground a couple of years after I’ve left, it would be inappropriate of me to comment on whether I’d take the job,” said Redknapp as a text from the Bala Rinas board with details of possible bonus payments for avoiding relegation silently buzzed in his jacket pocket.

“I happened to be in the De Beauvoir area this week, just driving around,” continued a deadpan Redknapp. “A TV reporter stopped me outside the ground and I did a quick interview through the car window like.

“He asked me if I’d seen the team’s latest defeat on the Roger Mellie, but I had to confess I hadn’t. I don’t get much chance to watch football because the daughter-in-law’s always round on the Nintendo Wii.

“Anyway, I’d rather watch her playing Just Dance 4 than this bunch of muppets.”

Canesten Combi Cup – latest scores

Ten matches have already been played in this week’s Cup group stage bumper fixture list. With another 10 to go only Headless Chickens have a clear advantage, although how their manager must rue selling Theo Walcott in the transfer window.

Cup scores latest - 28 November 2012
Cup scores latest – 28 November 2012

League table

Week 13 - 27 November 2012
Week 13 – 27 November 2012

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Greendale Rockets Stu 40 1
2 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 37 0
3 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 34 2
4 Headless Chickens John N 33 1
5 Newington Reds Dudley 31 2
6 FC Testicluadew James N 31 1
7 Bala Rinas Lewis 30 1
8 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 26 1
9 Piedmonte Phil 25 0
10 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 23 2
11 Woking Mike 22 1
12 Just put Carles Carles 21 0
13 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 21 0
14 Pikey Scum Jack 19 0
15 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 19 0
16 PSV Mornington El Pons 16 0
17 Dynamo Charlton Alex 15 0
18 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 14 0
19 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 14 0
20 Northern Monkeys Hugo 13 0
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Gomez, J – WIG – MID
Club Unsigned
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A nice cup of hate and a sit down

Tea cup
Storm in a tea cup: Kenna suits are making spot checks on employees’ milk ratio

THE SOCIETY of Black Lawyers has waded into football matters yet again by lodging an official police complaint that tea is too milky at Kenna HQ.

Labelling the Kenna institutionally racist, the pressure group has linked the league’s alleged liberal use of dairy products to a fight in a Leicester nightclub and someone somewhere being called names.

Faced with an official police investigation, the Kenna League Chairman has been forced to defend the organisation in the media.

He said: “These accusations are baseless. I can’t stand milky tea and I won’t stand for it. The very thought that this kind of thing could be going on at the very heart of the Kenna makes me feel sick to the stomach.

“Why anyone would like milky tea – with its tepid, weak taste – is absolutely beyond me. Personally, I like to get something hot and black inside me first thing in the morning. I find nothing more exhilarating.”

Society of Black Lawyers Chairman Peter Herbert said: “The Luis Suarez and John Terry scandals over racism really highlighted just how much media coverage we could get for our cause. The problem  now is that they’ve faded from the public eye, and so have we.

“We thought the incident involving Mark Clattenburg and John Obi Mikel might have legs, but nothing’s come of it, so really we’re just trying to jump of any bandwagon that will get me back on Sky News. Did I mention I’m available for after dinner speaking?”

Kenna diversity champion the Spartak Mogadishu manager rubbished claims that pigeonholing was rife in the league.

“Yarrrrr! Pigeonhaulin’? To be sure ye mean keelhaulin’, and every man in the league get a fair chance o’ that if he be crossin’ me,” said the swashbuckling Somali outside the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility.

The Kenna Chairman added: “Equality and diversity is very important to us and everyone has a right not to be victimised regardless of race, nationality, gender or sexual orientation.”


Sporting Lesbian kicked off their attempt at the double with a thumping 5-0 win over Spartak Mogadishu in Canesten Combi Cup group C.

The only other team not to score a goal was Greendale Rockets, but fortunately for them Still Don’t Know Yet‘s Anton Ferdinand was there to put the ball into his own net.

Cup scores and scorers - 20 November 2012
Cup scores and scorers – 20 November 2012
Cup groups - 20 November 2012
Cup groups – 20 November 2012

League table

Week 12 - 20 November 2012
Week 12 – 20 November 2012

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 41 5
2 Headless Chickens John N 38 2
3 Dynamo Charlton Alex 36 3
4 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 30 1
5 Newington Reds Dudley 28 2
6 Pikey Scum Jack 27 2
7 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 25 1
8 Piedmonte Phil 24 2
9 Bala Rinas Lewis 23 1
10 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 23 1
11 Woking Mike 22 2
12 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 21 2
13 FC Testicluadew James N 21 0
14 Northern Monkeys Hugo 19 1
15 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 19 1
16 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 18 0
17 Just put Carles Carles 17 1
18 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 15 0
19 Greendale Rockets Stu 14 0
20 PSV Mornington El Pons 13 1
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Suarez, L – LIV – STR
Club Sporting Lesbian
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Broken fantasy

Elf fair
Summer daze: What looks amazing in late August will often show severe cracks three months on

THERE COMES a time in most Kenna managers’ careers when they know that chances of winning the league are all but over for the season.

Despite the customary early-August, post auction-night complaint that the evening’s excess led to poor decision making and an impending mid-table finish, the pilot light of hope cannot but be ignited when Martin Skrtel starts a potentially record-breaking run by nodding in a couple of summer goals or Peter Crouch begins making runs as darting and incisive as a deer fleeing from an aggressive deforestation programme.

As any experienced boiler room Kenna sheepskin will tell you, these wholesome facades are quickly dashed in autumn, once the new guy who signed the most precocious and unpopular talent emerges as the favourite. The old adage stands firm: no one ever wins buying players they like, especially if those players are English.

So as the rugby club fireworks fizzle out and the giant green shopping centre reindeer go up, here are the warning signs that your chance of winning the league may not be all you think it’s cracked up to be:

  • You celebrate every one of your player’s goals so wildly the other half pops in to check you haven’t stepped in a bear trap
  • Two of your five signings in the first transfer window are yet to score, and unlikely to feature any time soon
  • Each time Wigan Athletic go one up you convince yourself it’s Emerson Boyce, only to be disappointed yet again by the vidiprinter
  • You’ve earmarked Jason Puncheon as an excellent way to strengthen your midfield in the February transfer window
  • Of your own free will, you bought Titus Bramble
  • The PSV Mornington manager phones to tell you how well his team are doing
  • When given the chance to discharge her at the transfer window, you opt to keep missing Cameroon Olympic women’s football team reserve goalkeeper Drusille Ngako
  • Watching Match of the Day is a constant reminder that everything you think you know about football is wrong.

Goal watch

The Canesten Combi Cup starts this weekend, with eight matches going on in the four groups.

The team scoring the most goals in each match will take three points.

“The new cup format, exclusive to the Kenna, encourages managers to take an active interest in the weekend’s goal action,” reads the condescending league-branded bumph.

“We suggest you check out your opponent’s team ahead of Saturday and feel everything scored going in, whether that be pleasurable or an unwanted surprise.

“And remember that own goals count against you.”

Group  A

Bala Rinas v Woking

Greendale Rockets v Still Don’t Know Yet

Week off: Dynamo Charlton

Group B

Hairy Fadjeetas v Northern Monkeys

Vasco De Beauvoir v Judean Peoples’ Front

Week off: Headless Chickens

Group C

Pikey Scum v FC Testiculadew

Sporting Lesbian v Spartak Mogadishu

Week off: Newington Reds

Group D

PSV Mornington v Lokomotiv Leeds

Just Put Carles v Piedmonte

Week off: Wandsworth Window Lickers

League table

Week 11 - 13 November 2012
Week 11 – 13 November 2012

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 FC Testicluadew James N 38 2
2 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 32 2
3 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 27 1
4 Northern Monkeys Hugo 25 2
5 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 25 2
6 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 25 1
7 Just put Carles Carles 25 0
8 Pikey Scum Jack 25 0
9 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 24 2
10 Dynamo Charlton Alex 23 1
11 Piedmonte Phil 22 1
12 Newington Reds Dudley 21 1
13 PSV Mornington El Pons 20 0
14 Bala Rinas Lewis 19 0
15 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 18 1
16 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 18 1
17 Headless Chickens John N 15 0
18 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 12 0
19 Greendale Rockets Stu 10 0
20 Woking Mike 9 0


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Fingers in the cup

Cup group stage draw 2012
No expense spared: The cup group stage draw was a lavish event

QUESTIONS are being asked by the Kenna HQ bean counters after the Chairman made a suspicious expenses claim for the Canestan Combi Cup group stage draw.

Dancing girls, lobsters and Nubian boys hired to pick only the blue M&Ms from hundreds of packets all found their way into a receipt submitted to the apparatus, as well as costs for an exclusive central London venue.

Sponsors and the media had been told the cup group stage draw, from which the top four teams from each group will progress to the knockout stages, had put Kenna HQ on a level with the London 2012 opening ceremony and the Queen’s Diamond Jubliee.

But evidence has been unearthed that the draw was a shabby, two-bit affair performed by the Chairman using nothing more than a handful of post-it notes, a beanie hat and four sides of A4 paper.

“These rumours are absolutely preposterous. There were girls in bikinis serving a lavish menu to a handful of global megastars. I can’t believe that social media reporting live from the event didn’t make that clear,” said the Chairman when confronted with a twitpic of the Spartak Mogadishu manager’s high top.

In light of the evidence, the Kenna HQ finance department is now asking for the £80,087,322 claimed by the Chairman back again.

The Canestan Combi Cup group stage matches will be played over five game weeks between now and the February transfer window.

In each game week two teams will compete head to head. The team that scores the most goals in that week will claim three points.

League table

Week 10 - 6 November 2012
Week 10 – 6 November 2012

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 PSV Mornington El Pons 33 2
2 Dynamo Charlton Alex 33 0
3 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 32 2
4 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 31 4
5 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 31 0
6 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 28 1
7 Northern Monkeys Hugo 27 1
8 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 24 0
9 FC Testicluadew James N 23 0
10 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 23 0
11 Woking Mike 23 0
12 Headless Chickens John N 21 0
13 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 20 1
14 Bala Rinas Lewis 19 0
15 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 16 1
16 Newington Reds Dudley 16 0
17 Pikey Scum Jack 16 0
18 Just put Carles Carles 15 0
19 Greendale Rockets Stu 14 0
20 Piedmonte Phil 7 0


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50p blame

Click to watch video: Gareth Bale reauctioned
Watch the video: Gareth Bale auctioned off again after being lost by the Pikey Scum manager on a Bramble

THE 50P GAME has protested its innocence in one of the biggest Kenna transfer window cock ups of all time.

Towards the end of Friday’s event in the upstairs bar of The Roebuck, the Pikey Scum boss signed flash-in-the-pan-form striker Steven Fletcher for £30m, taking the total cost of his team over the allotted budget.

Under the Titus Bramble ruling the club were made to forfeit their most expensive player and prized asset Gareth Bale, who also cost £30m, to be replaced by Belgian no hoper Steve De Ridder.

50p: “He’s a spent force.”

The Scum manager was quick to find a scapegoat in the 50p game.

“If I hadn’t been made to drink a whole a pint of cider because some Herbert dropped a coin in it, I can categorically state that Gareth Bale would still be Scum,” said the Pikey boss afterwards from a park bench.

But the 50p game has struck back, claiming that the Pikey gaffer necked the cider five minutes after the Bale debacle.

“If he had half a pound of sense he’d see that it’s all his fault. He’s a spent force in the Kenna,” said the 50p game, a shadowy figure who’s never been seen in daylight but only turns up once the Judean Peoples’ Front manager is half cut.

The whole affair is widely being held as the biggest Bramble blunder since the Vasco De Beauvoir manager lost £40m Sergio Aguero at the pre-season auction in August and was left with the services of nightclub dust up’s Leroy Lita.

Gareth Bale went on to be bought by Bala Rinas for £26m. A video of the sale is the second highest result on a YouTube search of ‘Julian Assange Anders Breivik’.

Seasoned mariner

A goal from new signing Shola Ameobi was not enough to take away the bad taste left in the Spartak Mogadishu manager’s mouth after the transfer window.

“Yarrrr! Which yellow-bellied landlubber filled me bag with salt and pepper shakers? When I got back to me cabin me iPatch t’was covered with condiments! If I gets me hook on the scoundrel he’ll be keelhauled and that be certain!” threatened the briny Somali, who controversially did not wear a ‘Kick It Out’ T-shirt to the window.

Look out this Friday for the group stages draw of the Cannestan Combi Cup on Twitter @jeffkennaleague

League table

Week 9 - 30 October 2012
Week 9 – 30 October 2012

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 PSV Mornington El Pons 43 3
2 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 33 1
3 Headless Chickens John N 29 1
4 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 29 0
5 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 28 2
6 Woking Mike 28 1
7 Dynamo Charlton Alex 26 1
8 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 25 1
9 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 24 1
10 Piedmonte Phil 24 0
11 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 22 0
12 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 21 1
13 Just put Carles Carles 19 2
14 Bala Rinas Lewis 18 1
15 Northern Monkeys Hugo 18 1
16 Greendale Rockets Stu 17 0
17 Pikey Scum Jack 17 0
18 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 16 0
19 FC Testicluadew James N 15 1
20 Newington Reds Dudley 14 0
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Scenes we’d like to see

Newington Reds manager with fax
Out of ideas: Despite the club’s Head of Ideas working tirelessly at the photocopier, the Reds gaffer was at a loss

IN-FORM forward Moussa Dembele shrugging his shoulders in utter confusion and pulling a face after getting the boot from Newington Reds.

A life-sized cardboard cut out of Luka Modric holding a rocket propelled grenade launcher being dumped in the skip behind the club shop at Spartak Mogadishu’s Spyglass Hill training facility.

The Still Don’t Know Yet manager giving Mario Balotelli his marching orders before giving his full backing to errant Cameroonian Olympic womens’ reserve team goalkeeper Drusille Ngako.

A clip of Yohan Cabeye on a French television light entertainment show putting an effigy of the Woking manager made entirely of garlic bread into a guillotine.

Lukas Podolski winding down his car window as he leaves the FC Testiculadew training ground for the last time and tells journalists: “I cannot Adam unt Eve it. My loaf it goz in Angela Merkels.”

These are some of the images we’d like to bring you from this week’s transfer deadline day, but instead the best on offer is this picture of the Newington Reds manager struggling to get the club’s creaking infrastructure into action.

“I’ve tried sending the request through four times on the office fax, and a further three times on an internet-based free fax service but it just won’t work,” said the Reds boss late on Tuesday night, pinpointing exactly why it wasn’t working.

The legal team at Kenna HQ were beginning to research how many fax-based emails from one manager would constitute harassment when in waded the Chairman.

“It’s obvious the Newington Reds manager has done his best to complete transfer business well before the deadline and he’s provided evidence of his attempts to do so by fax, so we’ll award him the £10m transfer-fund bonus,” he said.

Upon discovering the girl in the background of the photo was the club’s Head of Ideas, the Chairman was not so magnanimous.

“I’ll give you an idea, love: get a new, bloody fax machine!” he said.

Tonight’s transfer window

This evening managers will go head to head at auction to fill the gaps in their teams. Bonuses for submitting transfers on time earlier this week by fax machine mean the small number of available players tonight will go for vastly inflated fees.

Managers can pick Premier League footballers from two separate lists, but may not buy back anyone they’ve released:

  • The Unsigned – Not recruited by any club in August’s pre-season auction, these players are still available.
  • The Journeymen – Deemed surplus to requirements, these players find themselves back on the market.

New signings will begin scoring points for their new clubs next weekend.

Remaining budgets and gaps to fill

Team Gaps Budget
Vasco De Beauvoir Five £73.5m
Woking Seven £60m
Bala Rinas Five £52.5m
FC Testiculadew Four £51m
Pikey Scum Four £51.5m
PSV Mornington Seven £45m
Headless Chickens Four £44m
Northern Monkeys Two £40m
Dynamo Charlton Three £38m
Still Don’t Know Yet Two £36m
Hairy Fadjeetas Two £36.5m
Greendale Rockets Four £31m
Spartak Mogadishu Three £28.5m
Newington Reds Four £26m
Sporting Lesbian Three £26.5m
Wandsworth Window Lickers Two £25.5m
Piedmonte Four £25.5m
Lokomotiv Leeds Four £16m
Judean Peoples’ Front Four £19m
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Easy targets

Gone in a flash: unsigned, in-form players are expected to be snapped up at Friday’s transfer window

NOWHERE is the enterprise and work ethic of the Polish nation in more evidence than this lay-by 100 miles south of the Baltic coast.

Among the lakes and woodlands of Europe’s Great Northern Plain, this blurry lady patiently plies her trade for just, local knowledge maintains, 35 zlotys a time (£7).

While this roadside boudoir, which consists of a green, plastic garden chair for waiting and a forest for everything else, gives both the lonely and the lasivious a secluded liaison, it also offers the more unconventional, shovel-carrying punter plenty of options.

Kenna managers will be hoping that this Friday’s transfer window is just as open a hunting ground, but with up to £10m in bonuses for submitting players to be released by Wednesday’s 12pm deadline and just a handful of desirable footballers available, competition will be fierce.

With the unsigned, in-form talent likely to attract large sums of money, managers may be forced, like the lay-by lady, to focus their efforts mainly on journeymen.

Top-scoring unsigned players

Strikers: Kone, Wigan (39 points), Shane Long, West Brom (36 points), Petric, Fulham (28 points), Di Santo, Wigan (27 points), Ricardo Vaz Te, West Ham (27 points)

Midfielders: Damian Duff, Fulham (35 points), Kightly, Stoke (24 points), McAnuff, Reading (23 points), Kacaniklic, Fulham (23 points), Raheem Sterling, Liverpool (22 points)

Defenders: Reid, West Ham (38 points), Jenkinson, Arsenal (27 points), Mertesacker, Arsenal (25 points), Chris Baird, Fulham (24 points), Kolorov, Man City (22 points)

Goalkeepers: Begovic, Stoke (23 points), Mannone, Arsenal (19 points)

League table

Week 8 - 23 October 2012
Week 8 – 23 October 2012

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 PSV Mornington El Pons 34 4
2 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 31 1
3 Just put Carles Carles 28 2
4 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 28 2
5 Greendale Rockets Stu 26 3
6 Northern Monkeys Hugo 26 2
7 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 22 1
8 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 22 1
9 Woking Mike 22 1
10 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 20 0
11 Bala Rinas Lewis 19 1
12 Piedmonte Phil 19 0
13 Dynamo Charlton Alex 18 0
14 FC Testicluadew James N 18 0
15 Newington Reds Dudley 17 0
16 Pikey Scum Jack 16 2
17 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 16 0
18 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 12 0
19 Headless Chickens John N 11 0
20 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 6 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Mata, J – CHE – MID
Club PSV Mornington


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