The former Wimbledon striker claimed he’d been ‘naive’ when tickets he’d given to a friend ended up being used in a ambush marketing stunt at the group match between Denmark and Holland.
As a result, Earle lost his job at ITV Sport. The fate of the FCT manager hangs in the balance.
The Bramble player in his team for the forfeit Ribery, Alexandros Tziolis, has been cut from the Greek squad due to ample defensive-midfield cover.
“We’ve received an appeal from FC Testiculadew to replace the bubble and squeak. We’ve decided to put it to a vote. Managers are invited to choose what the fate of FCT should be,” read an official league statement.
Managers can vote below. The results will be confidential until they are revealed on Wednesday (6 June).
AN ETHICS committee is to be formed at Kenna HQ after last night’s controversial Olisadebe auction.
Two incidents of note relating to the Titus Bramble Ruling, where a manager forfeits an illegal player, caused heated confrontation, with the Horn of Africa manger threatening to resign halfway through proceedings.
Later in the evening, the FC Testiculadewland boss was found to be engaged in ‘tactical Brambling’ – knowingly attempting to buy an illegal player to free up funds from the one he would forfeit.
Despite working for on the case for almost 24 hours, Scotland Yard are still scratching their heads as to just where the spirit of Kenna has disappeared.
“Two incidents of note at the auction betrayed some truly unfit conduct from managers. The Kenna has always been a place of genteel manners and this type of histrionic or devious behaviour will not be tolerated,” said the Chairman in an official league statement.
“We will form a Kenna Ethics Committee to establish a managers’ code of conduct. We’re also looking to develop a ‘fit and proper persons test’, although looking around the table last night we shouldn’t make it too difficult,” continued the Chairman, who definitely didn’t fall asleep on the bus home and wake up in Enfield.
Full teams will be published soon.
Bunch of twits
Broadcasting the auction live on Twitter, the Kenna gained a grand total of two new followers.
“Controversy aside, we think the rest of the auction went rather well,” said the Chairman.
“Although interaction with the online community was limited, the tweets do provide an excellent chronicle of the evening.”
Live broadcasting the summer auction is to be decided pending review.
“The Olisabdebe promises to be the best auction yet. When a group of gentlemen met for the first ever auction seven years ago, none of them ever thought it would reach these heights. I wish every manager the best of luck,” said the Chairman.
A brief profile of each competitor can be found below, as well as the teams that failed to qualify and the final standings from the 2010 Doctor Khumalo World Cup.
1. Make Party (Eng) – Having won in South Africa two years ago at the helm of Nelson’s Column, the Make Party manager has the pedigree of international success. Claims this season’s rocky domestic form with Vasco De Beauvoir was down to it being a transitional year.
2. Chernobyl Forlov (Eng) – Came a very close second in 2010 managing South Afrikaans are Rasc1st Santander, and still in the Zurich appeal courts after the Fifa Technical Committee awarded every goal of the tournament to Nelson’s Column midfielder Wesley Sneijder. Will be looking to get one over Make Party. Disappointing in the league this season managing Hairy Fadjeetas.
3. Aston Birra (Cat) – Took a sabbatical from the domestic game this year to keep fresh for the summer. Hoping to better his run out in the Khumalo where his team Nottingham Miedo came a respectable third.
4. Just Put Warsaw (Cat) – Another Catalan doing well in 2010, come fourth with Where’s MaraVilla? Preparations marred by stuttering league campaign with Just Put Carles and Catalan public spat.
5. Bwing on the Euwos (Wal) – A consistent performer at domestic level, with one league title to his name managing Young Boys, the Welshman is yet to win silverware at international level. Mid-table finish at the helm of Paul Gadd’s U16s in 2010.
7. Just FEMEN (Sco) – Disastrous league campaign this season led to her sacking from Polonia Forsyth. Led Anyone But England in disappointing 2010 tournament. Needs to pull her kni… socks up.
8. Welease Wio! (Eng) – Also sacked earlier this month for leading The Dan Terry Seduction to relegation. Provided one of the comedy highlights of the 2010 auction by introducing Scott Chipperfield to the bidding. Probably reading up on useful fly halves, hurdlers and wicketkeeper-batsmen, if reading up at all.
9. The Horn of Africa (Som) – Growing tired of major tournaments hosted by countries with rac1st tendencies. Hopes to better his 2010 performance at the helm of RIP MJ. Impressive domestic season with Spartak Mogadishu.
“We’re delighted to announce the Titus Bramble XV for the auction, including, for the first time ever, two honourary VIP selections from the host nations. These fifteen players will replace anyone forfeit tomorrow night,” said the Chairman, before being escorted into a waiting car by sharp-suited, severe-looking men from the Vatican.
Titus Bramble XV
Grzegorsz Sandomierski (Pol) – Will have an excellent view of proceedings from the bench.
Behrang Safari (Swe) – A good defender relies on clean sheets and clean sheets are built upon team unity. With 22 men playing for the democratic monarchy of Sweden and one for the evil, Slavic autocracy of Emperor Zlatan, goal-shy Safari must surely be a wildcard at best.
Simon Kjaer (Den) – Recently named one of the worst signings in Serie A this season who ‘has consistently been tortured by quick attackers’, the Dane can only struggle against the speed and precision of German and Dutch forward play.
Per Mertesacker (Ger) – Surprising inclusion in a slick Teuton outfit considering his lumbering form and recent injury at club level.
Rolando (Por) – The poor man’s Ronaldo.
Nigel De Jong (Hol) – Nicknamed ‘The Lawnmower’ for his combative style of play, there’s more chance of De Jong being able to repair a Briggs & Stratton engine during a match than avoiding the book or finding his way onto the score sheet.
Alexandros Tziolis (Gre) – From Tziolis’ agent wikipedia: “He plays a ‘silent’ role in the game, and he tends to occupy the role of a deep-lying playmaker more than a defensive stopper. His crisp passing and physical strength are also positive aspects of his game.” The content of this summary is as doubtful as its syntax.
Keith Andrews (Ire) – Tournament highlights: booked against Croatia scything down Modric, booked against Spain upending Andres Iniesta, misses Italy game.
Stewart Downing (Eng) – No goals, no assists and spent most of the league season looking like a timid schoolboy on the ball, must be quaking at the prospect of playing in the bread basket of Soviet terror.
Andriy Voronin (Ukr) – On average, the Steppe’s answer to Tarzan scores a goal every 10 games for his country. Even if an unlikely Ukraine get to the final, he’s left with just over half a chance of netting one.
Andy Carroll (Eng) – striker – played really well for the last three games of the domestic campaign, but for the rest of the season has shown less talent than a Tuesday afternoon in Gateshead Weatherspoon’s.
Gareth Barry (Eng) – midfielder – Against a similar standard of opposition, but without the likes of David Silva and Yaya Touré a short pass away, Barry is in for another tournament ride bumpier than Fred West’s patio. Will be replaced by Jordan Henderson if injured.
Honourary host nation representatives
Yulia Tymoshenko (Ukr) – Libera – The ‘Gas Princess’ may score as many goals as Bobby Sands this summer, but in international terms the PR value she brings to any outfit is welcome to Olisadebe managers who tend to lurch from one media disaster to another. At 51 still has the looks to alleviate the inevitable curse of squad boredom.
Pope Jean Paul II (Pol) – Goalkeeper – A regular between the sticks for his school and university sides, the former pontiff is the reason why there are so many top-level, Polish ‘keepers around. Spiritual contribution cannot be overlooked.
The second rule in particular makes the Olisadebe ultimately challenging. Buying a bottom-drawer player from a top team is folly.
Going around the table, each gaffer takes it in turns to introduce a player to the bidding. The auction ends when every team is filled.
The Olisadebe ‘Brambles’ will be announced next week.
What experience tells us
Looking below at the top performers from the last international tournament, the Doctor Khumalo 2010 World Cup, the immediate thought is: what the bejabbers was someone up to spending £31.5m on a holding midfielder like Schweinsteiger?
During a domestic season, steady Eddies like Bastian ‘Pig-overseer’, making regular appearances and nicking the odd goal can be useful.
But in tournament football, where an absolute maximum of six games awaits, the only successful midfielders are those scoring just as many goals as their striking counterparts (Wesley Sneijder).
Forwards regularly finding the net and back fives from organised teams picking up clean sheets offer the best return on investment.
Creative wing backs getting assists and goals, while their side keeps clean sheets, are a handy addition.
The second thing you’ll notice from the table is that some household names went for chicken feed. There are three reasons for this:
all the other managers had bought their quota from that country (Iker Casillas)
those at the auction simply hadn’t considered that player of value (Thomas Muller)
the player had initially been bought for a large sum, forfeited through the Titus Bramble Ruling and bought on the cheap later in the evening (David Villa)
Top European’s from the 2010 Khumalo World Cup in South Africa
KUDOS, riches and glazed-over, gyrating, Slav human traffic leggier than a recent Scott Parker performance have long been the trappings of international success, but the Olisadebe offers that little bit extra.
Not only will the victor trouser £100 in cash, but they will become the proud owner of an unofficial, replica Emmanuel Olisadebe Poland shirt.
“Gained at no great expense, the shirt is almost exactly like the one, like the one worn by Emmanuel during his prolific spell for Poland. Any manager would be thrilled to hang the shirt in pride of place, so long as they can overlook the superficial damage,” said the Chairman, before returning to a heated telephone call about unkept promises with a storage solutions company.
Second place will land £50 while third will scoop £20.
The manager ending with the top individual points scorer in their team will also have something smile about.
“This tournament we’re offering a whopping £60 for player of the tournament. We hope it’ll bring out some big bids on the auction night,” said the Chairman.
The contest is a ‘ties-off’ international tournament in a similar format to domestic club contest the Jeff Kenna League.
The Kenna HQ Chairman said: “The live tweet is an excellent way to showcase to the world how fantasy football competitions should be played.
“The Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup auction, like the Kenna auction, is a face-to-face contest of knowledge and footballing acumen in an informal atmosphere. During the roller coaster, four-hour event participants experience the full range of emotions, although they mostly fluctuate between schadenfreude and humiliation.
“Picking captains and making transfers every week may be a good way for the big newspapers to drive up traffic to their websites and increase advertising revenue, but we’re convinced the auction format is the true test of fantasy footballing skill.
AS ROMAN Abramovich composes his classified ad for the Russian oligarch equivalent of Autotrader (‘millions spent, could run well for another year or so’), another season of domestic football draws to a close.
For the sake of posterity (and to make room on the homepage for the upcoming Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup), the final league standings for 2011/12 can be found below.
Producing what will probably turn out to be one of the highest-scoring months in Kenna history, Wayne Rooney & co were so rampant for the first four weeks of the calendar year that their manager wasn’t even inclined to attend the February transfer window.