Cassano holds final key

DESPITE an injury-time penalty from Mesut Özil, The Eurosceptics hold onto a slender lead going into Sunday’s final.

An Antonio Cassano assist was enough to keep a sliver of daylight between the leaders and Testiculadewland.

The boffins at Kenna HQ reckon that a 0-0 or 1-0 win to Italy in Kiev, without Cassano assisting or scoring would hand T-land the title.

Bwing on the Euwos will be hoping for the goalless draw so Buffon and Ramos can secure third place.

Fourth-placed Everybody Gdansk Now’s Casillas will have to save a couple of penalties to challenge.

At the other end Make Party and Utoya Island XI are in a dead heat for last place.

Manager Points Goals
1 The Eurosceptics Alex Bass 144 4
2 Testiculadewland James Norris 141 3
3 Bwing on the Euwos Denney 119 4
4 Everybody Gdansk Now Ben Dudley 115 3
5 Every Pole’s a Goal Seimon Lewis 105 2
6 Just Femen Claire Forysth 100 5
7 The Horn of Africa Abdi Ali 99 4
8 Bunga Bunga Euro Tour John Norris 99 2
9 Hoodunika Bolokov Jack 98 3
10 Just Put Warsaw Carles Duz 97 1
11 Chernobyl Forlov Aiden Brisland 87 4
12 Don’t know yet Pete Ball 84 3
13 Utoya Island 11 Sholto 76 9
14 Make Party Six 76 2

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Sagres back in the fridge

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ONE SEMI final down and The Eurosceptics hold the lead by a narrow four-point margin.

Bruno Alves’ penalty miss, so ably assisted by Make Party’s Luis Nani, left the door ajar for Testiculadewland’s Piqué and Contraõ.

Tonight The Eurosceptics’ Cassano and Podolski take on T-lands’ Özil and Bonucci.

The Chalkstripes in Kenna HQ’s speculations dept reckon the thyroid-assisted German/Turkish string puller holds the key.

Manager Points Goals

1 The Eurosceptics Alex Bass 137 4

2 Testiculadewland James Norris 133 2

3 Bwing on the Euwos Denney 117 4

4 Everybody Gdansk Now Ben Dudley 115 3

5 Every Pole’s a Goal Seimon Lewis 102 2

6 Bunga Bunga Euro Tour John Norris 97 2

7 The Horn of Africa Abdi Ali 96 4

8 Just Put Warsaw Carles Duz 96 1

9 Hoodunika Bolokov Jack 95 3

10 Just Femen Claire Forysth 87 3

11 Chernobyl Forlov Aiden Brisland 83 4

12 Don’t know yet Pete Ball 83 3

13 Utoya Island 11 Sholto 76 9

14 Make Party Six 75 2

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Özil takes individual lead

THREE CLEAN sheets and some majestic, quarter final string pulling from Mesut Özil have put Testiculadewland well in contention for the Olisadebe.

The team’s controversial manager, who was found to be deliberately breaking the rules – or ‘tactical Brambling’ – in the pre-tournament auction, now finds himself in second place.

“Piqué, Contraõ and Bonucci put in some fine defensive displays, and to be in this position now even with a gap in the original team is a big plus,” said the Testiculadewland manager, possibly hinting at Karim Benzema’s selection.

Leaders The Eurosceptics head into this week’s semi finals as favourites for the title with Lukas Podolski, Antonio Cassano, Jordi Alba and Bruno Alves all due to start.

At the other end there’s a downright pathetic party being made by the current world champion manager.

With most of the team already thrown out and just Jerome Boateng, Nani, the suspended Maggio and the guys from the chess club playing Xbox in the living room left, the Make Party boss has admitted his festivity planning had been seriously miscalculated.

“We excited for bit because gram-stripper come, but some joker make this roll-poll ebony,” said the Make Party manager, before reading a gift card marked only ‘Chernobyl Forlov‘.

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Sceptical knockout

THE EUROSCEPTICS have emerged from the Euro 2012 group stages as serious contenders for the Olisadebe.

A full 19 points ahead of the pack with seven games to go, the international debutants will be hard to catch, especially with a key player from each of the quarter finalists in their ranks.

“It’s been going well so far, but I’m not taking any risks. These knockout stages can be a bit of a lottery, like signing up to a single currency with a country whose national economy is based on smashing plates,” said the Sceptics manager.

The chalkstripes in Kenna HQ’s speculations department agree on the uncertainty of knockout stages, but assert that the groups have been largely predictable.

In Group A, Czech Republic have European tournament pedigree and Greek phalanx has fought with its customary blunt effectiveness.

Germany dominated Group B and Portugal picked up the rewards of Holland’s customary morale breakdown.

Despite creative midfield flair, Croatia were unable to overcome Spanish dominance and that familiar Italian pragmatism in Group C. Ireland are good at singing.

And in Group D, the two favourites went through with a shouting match in the French dressing room.

So all in all the competition’s been exciting, but pretty much where the chalkstripes said we’d be.

Meanwhile, Chernobyl Forlov’s Mario Gomez leads the individual points scoring total with 24.

Hoodyanika Bolokov’s David Silva is a close second with 20.

In bureaucratic news, the Chairman’s looking forward to watching tonight’s match at a dusty, white-patio-chaired, Portuguese bar later.

“I ate a chicken piri piri for lunch that knocks Nando’s into a cocked hat,” he said.

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Scepticism best group stage approach

Pant Bank
Disciplinary: Nicholas Bendtner referred by UEFA

EVEN BEFORE last night’s goal from Anotnio Cassano, the Eurosceptics were enjoying the Euro 2012 group stages.

Lukas Podolski, Yohan Cabeye and Rafael van der Vaart have all found the net to send the team top of the Olisadebe.

Three Mario Gomez goals and one from Theo Walcott have Chernobyl Forlov a close second.

But attack isn’t everything. Despite Alan Dzagoev’s treble, Ronaldo’s double and one from Samir Nasri, Utoya Island XI are bottom of the table.

The team’s back five have a combined total of -1. With Dzagoev out of the competition,the manager’s hunt for his first silverware looks set to continue.

1 The Eurosceptics Alex Bass 77 3
2 Chernobyl Forlov Aiden Brisland 73 4
3 Just Put Warsaw Carles Duz 67 1
4  Bwing on the Euwos Denney 65 4
5 Don’t know yet Pete Ball 63 2
6  Everybody Gdansk Now Ben Dudley 62 3
7  Every Pole’s a Goal Seimon Lewis 62 1
8  Testiculadewland James Norris 62 1
9  The Horn of Africa Abdi Ali 59 3
10 Bunga Bunga Euro Tour John Norris 59 1
11 Hoodunika Bolokov Jack 57 2
12 Make Party Six 56 2
13  Just Femen Claire Forysth 56 2
14 Utoya Island 11 Sholto 48 6
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Swedish dismay at Olisadebe visit

SWEDISH doormen were made to earn their crust last night as the Chairman’s party descended on their capital city.

Despite their impeccable manners, the prospect of two Englishmen wearing faux football shirts and pub crawl faces was too much for Stockholm: the delegation was ejected from three establishments and refused entry to many more.

In one particularly farcical incident, the pair were asked to leave a premises after a random Finn drained his glass, smashed it on the floor and went out for a cigarette.

“Sweden has a very liberal reputation, but in this case it was ill deserved. We faced discrimination at its basest level and were forced to watch each of the five goals in different bars,” said the Chairman this morning, while fighting a bitter war of attrition with a headache.

It was points o’clock in the Olisadebe as seven different players found the net yesterday, including Horn of Africa’s Andy Carroll.

“Yarrrr! He be a fine purchase,” said the Somali manager.

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Today’s scores available

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Olisadebe organisers were outraged this morning after the Chairman’s jar of Marmite was confiscated at Stanstead Airport,

On his way to Sweden to extend the olive branch ahead of tonight’s Group D clash, the Chairman was to present the condiment to Scandinavian counterparts.

“We’re flattened and disappointed,” read an official statement.

Today’s scores can be downloaded from the ‘Details’ box on the right hand side.

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Knicker-less Bendtner to change pants after Euro 2012 ambush probe

NICHOLAS Bendtner will be glad his mum packed a spare pair of underwear after an ambush marketing stunt at yesterday’s Euro 2012 match in Lviv.

The Everybody Gdansk Now striker may have bagged a brace to send his team top of the Olisadebe, but tournament organisers have said pants to displaying Paddy Power branding during his goal celebration.

In this morning’s press conference the Everybody Gdansk Now manager said: “As far as I’m concerned Nicholas can advertise Irish bookies, Eastern European h00kers and Bolivian marching powder in the middle of his face if he keeps this up.

“It’s still early days, but I’m hoping the fans will be Gdansking in the streets if we manage to bring home the trophy.”

Bendtner’s second-choice smalls are unknown. Official Euro 2012 sponsors Canon are reported to be lining up a bid.

Olisadebe table 14Jun12
Olisadebe table 14 June 2012
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‘Dire’: Critical remarks for Olisadebe

BWING ON the Euwos were announced as early leaders of the Olisadebe after an accent scandal rocked the competition.

Two goals from Mario Mandžukić and one from Kuba Błaszczykowski sent the heavily foreign-charactered outfit into first place.

Organisers had originally announced Make Party on top, but a blunder with diacritical marks on players names meant scores had not updated properly.

Cesc Fàbregas, Thomas Müller, Fabio Contrão, Franck Ribèry and Kim Källström were among others under awarded points.

“Weally weally enwaged by the scowing on the fwist table. Feel discwiminated against. This is diwe,” said the Bwing on the Euwos boss in a press conference as his players Mario Götze and Dįrk Kūŷt prepared to warm the bench in tonight’s titanic clash.

The individual top points scorer so far is Utoya Island XI’s Alan Dzagoev (18).

Olisadebe standings - 4pm 13Jun12
Olisadebe standings – 4pm 13Jun12
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Euro 2012 crackdown on racism banana skin

Bananas
Going bananas: human rights groups claim the crop is as bad as that of opium in Afghanistan or cocoa in South America

AUTHORITIES have taken a drastic step against racism at Euro 2012, by closing down every green grocers within a 30-mile radius of host venues.

Polish and Ukrainian police forces made a coordinated swoop from the Baltic coast to the Black Sea in an attempt to remove the threat of bananas being thrown at black players during the tournament.

As part of the operation, thousands of fruit and veg venders were arrested on suspicion of inciting racial hatred.

With the spectre of racism hanging over the competition, European football’s governing body welcomed the move.

“It’s good to see authorities have eradicated the opportunity for these dealers of hate to profiteer from the tournament, especially when they haven’t given us a penny of corporate sponsorship,” read a UEFA statement.

Despite ensuring revenue for Euro 2012 organisers, the arrests have increased concerns that driving exotic fruit underground will create a black market.

A Polish green grocer who escaped the purge and wished to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals said: “I’m just doing the best for my family. Locally-grown apples and strawberries keep me above the poverty line but imported fruit like bananas turn a far superior profit.

“If 20 men with shaved heads come into my shop and buy enough bananas for me to send my children to university, what am I supposed to do?”

Ukrainian women’s rights group FEMEN, fierce critics of the anticipated boost to prostitution Euro 2012 will bring to the country, joined the debate by getting their melons out.

Make Party celebrate Olisadebe lead

Standings after matchday 1
Standings after matchday 1

TWO GOALS from Andriy Shevchenko saw Make Party take the initiative in the opening round of fixtures.

“People they talk we no have chance but I good motivate for team. I also do plumb,” said the Make Party manager.

Everybody Gdansk Now are a close second, not down to any particular individual performance but because they were the only team in which all 11 players picked up appearance points.

Testiculadewland, whose preparations for the tournament were mired in controversy, struggled to make an impact as goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny sent off in the opening match.

Points are taken from matches up to and including Greece v Czech Republic on 12 June 2012.

The top individual points scorer so far is Vaclav Pilar with 14 (unsigned).

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