The Chairman’s auction night top tips

Chairman with Averna
Chairman’s largesse in action: “Digestif? Take the pack.”

WITH SO many thrills, spills, tears and emotions it’s hard to believe that London 2012 was just the warm act, but tonight it’s finally time for the main event.

Tweeted live from 7pm, the Kenna auction will see around 20 managers gathered around a table bidding to buy their eleven Premier League players for this season’s campaign.

In an act typifying his boundless munificence, the Chairman has issued some top tips for managers to get the most of their experience.

“In order for everyone to buy their teams, we’ll have to clear at least one player a minute. If managers follow some simple pointers, we should have no trouble,” said the Chairman, forgetting that the FC Testiculadew manager has confirmed his attendance.

The Chairman’s top tips

Get there early – proceedings will start at 6.30pm, with the auction starting at 7pm regardless of how many managers are present.

Bring £20 – to give to the treasurer for your entry fee.

Bring a player list and pen – there’s a stationery shortage at Kenna HQ. An inquiry has been launched.

Write down who you buy – seems obvious, but some managers have fallen foul of the Titus Bramble ruling for not doing so in the past.

Plan your picks – if I catch you scratching your head looking stumped, I’ll pick them for you. We don’t have time.

Don’t take it too seriously – it’s a competitive arena, but if you throw your toys out the pram the Treasurer will refund your entry fee and we’ll bid you an upbeat farewell.

A Bramble is for life (or at least until October’s transfer window) – a Titus Bramble player cannot be lost on a Bramble, no matter how much they cost.

Pre-emptive West Cornwall Pasty Co – there’ll be a pub buffet at 8pm, but we’ve all been left with no more than a cocktail sausage and some leftover satay in the past.

A few other items of note:

  • Anyone arriving in Team GB merchandise will immediately be considered to have bought Ryan Giggs for £10m.
  • Anyone arriving in London 2012 merchandise will have to buy the committee a round.
  • Anyone arriving in Olympic accreditation, a Games Maker uniform or a Locog BMW will have to buy the league a round.
  • No Batman suits.
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Author: The chairman

Ascended to the chairmanship of the Jeff Kenna League Fantasy Football League in 2007 after co-founded the league in London in August 2005.