Testiculadew: health concerns marred post-match celebrations
A Clint Dempsey hat-trick put FC Testiculadew back on top of the Kenna in spectacular fashion.
Known as ‘Deuce’ during his keepy-uppy, rapping forays into the American ‘hood, Dempsey’s dope performance has left the FCT manager trippin’.
Commenting on his team’s emphatic week from a drop-top Cadillac full of b1tches driving at 5mph, da gaffer said: “FCT is the wickedest. Kenna say I’m pussy? I dare you to stick your dick in this.
“If I was pussy I’d be filled with syphillis, herpes, gonorrhea, chlamydia, gettin rid of ya.”
A considerably less-than-fly week for Lokomotiv Leeds has left them 33 points off the lead.
FC Testiculadew’s unprecedented goal scoring from Dzeko and Rooney saw them way out in front of the pack in August and scooping the MOTM prize.
Just Put Carles looked like early-season challengers and picked up the September award, but since then have dropped down the table.
After a slow start, Lokomotiv Leeds’ Sturridge, van der Vaart and Yaya Toure all sparked to help their boss take the October gong
Wholesale changes at the transfer night, including the key signing of the electric Emmanuel Adebayor, allowed the Pikey Scum gaffer to win the November prize.
And in December, even Victor Moses opened his Lokomotiv Leeds account to help the manager cement his side’s place at the top of the table.
Managers and turkeys
As for the Turkeys of the Month, these have also been shared around.
Thus far, only Dynamo Charlton have managed to salvage any pride.
As for the rest, they’ll be fretting over the ‘Managers finishing in the relegation zone must come back at the helm of another club next season’ committee, due to be set up in Kenna HQ this spring.
Player of week tallies
Question: Which managers in the Kenna can bring the individual best out of their players?
Answer: Literally, none of them.
Find below the number of times a manager has coached a player of week.
Just what’s a Yak gotta do around here?
7. Unsigned (Yakubu x3, Berbatov, Pilkington, Klasnic, Andy Johnson)
The momentum at Lokomotiv Leeds showed no sign of easing over the festive period.
The side’s midfield engine room came up trumps as Victor Moses, Rafael van der Vaart and Yaya Toure all netted, while Elliot Bennett picked up two assists.
However, it’s thought that Touré’s impending African duty could threaten the balance of the side.
“I do not know how it is going to work. I always said we could have a problem in January. Yaya is an important player for us,” platituded the Lokomotiv boss.
“This is ridiculous. You should never go out with a loaded weapon,” said an almost-too-relaxed looking JPF manager. “Why can’t the guy just whack off at home before hitting town?”
