CRYSTALLIZED at the bottom, breathless at the top and much jiggling around in the middle: in many ways the Kenna table resembles a fat man with gout and a carrier bag over his head in the final throes of rubbing one off in the shower.
So it’s fitting that the coming weekend sees the climax of the race to the cup knockout stage. Who will breathe a satisfying sigh of relief? Who will tumble through the shower curtain, sustain a fatal head injury on the sink and be found naked three days later by sniggering paramedics?
Going into the deciding week, each manager will be looking at his team for goals, the key to a successful cup campaign. Chances of progression to knockout stages are analysed below – starting with the most wide open.
Group D
Just Put Carles v Wandsworth Window Lickers
Lokomotiv Leeds v Piedmonte
The Lickers will be backing Peter Odemwingie (7 goals this season) and club top scorer Fellaini (11) to combat the recent upturn in form of Just Put Carles striker Daniel Sturridge (4). Lokomotiv Leeds will hope that Jonathan Walters (7) will score at the right end, while Piedmonte look to Lambert (10) and Lampard (7) – a draw will not guarantee survival for either club.
Group C
Sporting Lesbian v Newington Reds
FC Testiculadew v Spartak Mogadishu
Sporting Lesbian trio Luis Suarez (18), Michu (14) and Sergio Aguero (8) will take some beating from Newington Reds, who rely on, oh dear, star striker Fernando Torres (7). A woeful goal difference means FC Testiculadew will have to keep out Spartak Mogadishu star Romelu Lukaku (9) to ensure safety.
Group B
Vasco De Beauvoir v Headless Chickens
Northern Monkeys v Judean Peoples’ Front
No player at either Vasco De Beauvoir or Judean Peoples’ Front have found the net for two weeks, and being on equal goal difference survival may be decided on who ships the least in the final game. A 1-1 draw was played out between the clubs in December, so JPF carry the advantage having scored one more goal in the contest.
Group A
Greendale Rockets v Dynamo Charlton
Woking v Still Don’t Know Yet
Friendly encounters all round as Bala Rinas managed got knocked out with a game to go.
League table
Weekly scores
| Manager | Points | Goals | ||
| 1 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 56 | 4 |
| 2 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 44 | 3 |
| 3 | Piedmonte | Phil | 44 | 2 |
| 4 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 42 | 1 |
| 5 | Just put Carles | Carles | 40 | 4 |
| 6 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 39 | 0 |
| 7 | Wandsworth Window Lickers | Will | 38 | 1 |
| 8 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 37 | 3 |
| 9 | Vasco De Beauvoir | Stix | 37 | 0 |
| 10 | Headless Chickens | John N | 35 | 1 |
| 11 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 35 | 0 |
| 12 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 33 | 2 |
| 13 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 32 | 1 |
| 14 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 26 | 1 |
| 15 | Judean Peoples’ Front | Sholto | 26 | 0 |
| 16 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 26 | 0 |
| 17 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 25 | 0 |
| 18 | Greendale Rockets | Stu | 22 | 1 |
| 19 | FC Testicluadew | James N | 18 | 1 |
| 20 | Woking | Mike | 16 | 0 |
