Shower of expectation

Shower scene
Happy ending: Half the teams in the Kenna have already progressed from the cup group stage (Photograph courtesy of Wet and Messy Photography)

CRYSTALLIZED at the bottom, breathless at the top and much jiggling around in the middle: in many ways the Kenna table resembles a fat man with gout and a carrier bag over his head in the final throes of rubbing one off in the shower.

So it’s fitting that the coming weekend sees the climax of the race to the cup knockout stage. Who will breathe a satisfying sigh of relief? Who will tumble through the shower curtain, sustain a fatal head injury on the sink and be found naked three days later by sniggering paramedics?

Going into the deciding week, each manager will be looking at his team for goals, the key to a successful cup campaign. Chances of progression to knockout stages are analysed below – starting with the most wide open.

Group D - 8 January 2013
Group D – 8 January 2013

Group D

Just Put Carles v Wandsworth Window Lickers
Lokomotiv Leeds v Piedmonte

The Lickers will be backing Peter Odemwingie (7 goals this season) and club top scorer Fellaini (11) to combat the recent upturn in form of Just Put Carles striker Daniel Sturridge (4). Lokomotiv Leeds will hope that Jonathan Walters (7) will score at the right end, while Piedmonte look to Lambert (10) and Lampard (7) – a draw will not guarantee survival for either club.

Group C - 8 January 2013
Group C – 8 January 2013

Group C

Sporting Lesbian v Newington Reds
FC Testiculadew v Spartak Mogadishu

Sporting Lesbian trio Luis Suarez (18), Michu (14) and Sergio Aguero (8) will take some beating from Newington Reds, who rely on, oh dear, star striker Fernando Torres (7). A woeful goal difference means FC Testiculadew will have to keep out Spartak Mogadishu star Romelu Lukaku (9) to ensure safety.

Group B - 8 January 2013
Group B – 8 January 2013

Group B

Vasco De Beauvoir v Headless Chickens
Northern Monkeys v Judean Peoples’ Front

No player at either Vasco De Beauvoir or Judean Peoples’ Front have found the net for two weeks, and being on equal goal difference survival may be decided on who ships the least in the final game. A 1-1 draw was played out between the clubs in December, so JPF carry the advantage having scored one more goal in the contest.

Group A - 8 January 2013
Group A – 8 January 2013

Group A

Greendale Rockets v Dynamo Charlton
Woking v Still Don’t Know Yet

Friendly encounters all round as Bala Rinas managed got knocked out with a game to go.

League table

Week 21 - 22 January 2013
Week 21 – 22 January 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Pikey Scum Jack 56 4
2 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 44 3
3 Piedmonte Phil 44 2
4 Northern Monkeys Hugo 42 1
5 Just put Carles Carles 40 4
6 Bala Rinas Lewis 39 0
7 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 38 1
8 PSV Mornington El Pons 37 3
9 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 37 0
10 Headless Chickens John N 35 1
11 Newington Reds Dudley 35 0
12 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 33 2
13 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 32 1
14 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 26 1
15 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 26 0
16 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 26 0
17 Dynamo Charlton Alex 25 0
18 Greendale Rockets Stu 22 1
19 FC Testicluadew James N 18 1
20 Woking Mike 16 0
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Author: The chairman

Ascended to the chairmanship of the Jeff Kenna League Fantasy Football League in 2007 after co-founded the league in London in August 2005.