Transfer deadline day – just four hours left

Toilet paper
Puncheon one off: Jason went for a sh1t

LORRY LOADS of toilet paper being delivered to Vasco De Beauvoir‘s Shoreditch Park ground as the manager attempts to lure Jason Puncheon to the club.

Demba Ba and Juan Mata battling it out in an arroz con leche eating contest as they try to secure their future at PSV Mornington by impressing ‘El Jefe’.

Daniel Sturridge and Jordan Henderson having a ‘siesta off’ to prove their worth to the Just Put Carles manager.

The Sporting Lesbian boss interrupted with news of the fast approaching transfer window during a game of bowls on Plymouth Hoe dismissing concern with the words: “We have time to finish our game of bowls and defeat the Spanish.”

These are some of the things that could be happening this morning as managers rush to get their players released to Kenna HQ ahead of today’s noon deadline.

Come Friday night it’ll be game faces ‘on’ for the second and final transfer window of the season before clubs make their assault on the title / relegation survival / mid-table mediocrity (delete as appropriate).

Top-performing unsigned players, and a few new faces, are listed below. As everyone steels themselves ahead of Friday the question hanging in the air is: just who will walk away with Emmanuel Pogatetz?


Hernandez (MUN, 89)
Le Fondre (REA, 87)
Benteke (AVL, 83)
Shaun Maloney (WIG, 64)
Di Santo (WIG, 62)

Gouffran (NEW)
Remy (QPR)
Wellington Paulista (WHM)


De Guzman (SWA, 81)
Jason ‘I went for a sh1t’ Puncheon (SOT, 72)
Craig Gardner (SUN, 66)
Beausejour (WIG, 60)
Macanuff (REA, 57)

Coutinho (LIV)
Sissoko (NEW)
Chris David (FUL)
Holtby (TOT)


Bassong (NOR, 72)
O’brien (WHM, 68)
Geoff Cameron (STO, 65)
Clichy (MCY, 63)
Azpilicueta (CHE, 60)

Yanga-Mbiwa (NEW)
Haidara (NEW)
Forren (SOT)
Ben Haim (QPR)
Debuchy (NEW)
Emmanuel Pogatetz (WHM)

Cup results

Greendale Rockets 2 1 Dynamo Charlton
Woking 1 0 Still Don’t Know Yet
Vasco De Beauvoir 1 2 Headless Chickens
Northern Monkeys 1 0 Judean Peoples’ Front
Sporting Lesbian 1 1 Newington Reds
FC Testicluadew 1 0 Spartak Mogadishu
Just put Carles 0 0 Wandsworth Window Lickers
Lokomotiv Leeds 4 1 Piedmonte

Canesten Combi Cup group stage – final tables

Final tables - cup groups
Final tables – cup groups

League table

Week 22 - 29 January 2013
Week 22 – 29 January 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 34 4
2 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 32 1
3 Greendale Rockets Stu 29 2
4 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 26 2
5 FC Testicluadew James N 26 1
6 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 26 1
7 Headless Chickens John N 25 2
8 Pikey Scum Jack 20 2
9 Woking Mike 18 1
10 Bala Rinas Lewis 17 0
11 Newington Reds Dudley 16 1
12 Northern Monkeys Hugo 16 1
13 Piedmonte Phil 15 1
14 Dynamo Charlton Alex 13 1
15 PSV Mornington El Pons 13 0
16 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 11 0
17 Just put Carles Carles 10 0
18 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 8 0
19 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 6 0
20 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 3 0
Points Player
Player of the week 26 Giroud, O – ARS – STR
Club Lokomotiv Leeds
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Author: The chairman

Ascended to the chairmanship of the Jeff Kenna League Fantasy Football League in 2007 after co-founded the league in London in August 2005.