Chairman eyes Vatican job

Space just outside heaven: Managers attending the August auction may need to kiss the chairman’s ring

THE KENNA League chairman has thrown his funny hat in the ring to become the next Pope.

The Catholic Church was left in the hunt for a new leader yesterday after Benedict XVI became the first pontiff in 600 years to resign.

Despite not being a cardinal or even a Catholic, the Kenna chairman, who was recognised in the Queen’s New Year’s honours list to become Sir Nimrod Rodgers-Boyce, claims he has the perfect credentials for the job.

He said: “The Vatican may have a following of 1.2bn compared to our smaller league membership [of 20], but the issues are the same. Most of my flock freely engage in intimate pre-marital relations, and if the stories are true a few of them enjoy going bareback with strangers too.”

Asked how he’d tackle the high-profile issue of child abuse in the church that dogged the last incumbent’s papacy, Rodgers-Boyce said his in-depth knowledge of the Kenna League’s draconian forfeit process – the Titus Bramble ruling – would more than prepare him for the role.

“During my eight years in charge a lot more people than just Kenna managers officially complained after forcibly having their pants pulled down by Titus Bramble.”

The Vatican are yet to comment.

Cup scores – Last 16 first leg

Five teams picked up crucial away goals, including Hairy Fadjeetas on a precarious visit to the Horn of Africa.

The second leg will take place on 26 February.

Kenna HQ has produced a gnatty wallchart to keep track of the latest cup developments. Download your free copy from The Rub on the right hand side of the page.

Vasco De Beauvoir 3 – 0 Headless Chickens

Still Don’t Know Yet 1 – 1 Piedmonte
RVP                                        Lampard

Just Put Carles 2 – 0 PSV Mornington

Woking 0 – 2 Sporting Lesbian
                          Michu x2

Greendale Rockets 0 – 2 Northern Monkeys

Spartak Mogadishu 2 – 1 Hairy Fadjeetas
Benteke                               Hazard

Dynamo Charlton 0 – 1 Pikey Scum

Lokomotiv Leeds 0 – 0 FC Testiculadew

League table

Week 24 - 12 February 2013
Week 24 – 12 February 2013

Weekly scores

    Manager Points Goals
1 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 40 3
2 Just put Carles Carles 40 2
3 Northern Monkeys Hugo 39 2
4 Piedmonte Phil 35 1
5 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 32 2
6 Bala Rinas Lewis 31 3
7 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 31 2
8 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 29 0
9 Pikey Scum Jack 28 1
10 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 24 1
11 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 23 1
12 PSV Mornington El Pons 22 0
13 Dynamo Charlton Alex 21 0
14 FC Testicluadew James N 20 0
15 Greendale Rockets Stu 20 0
16 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 19 1
17 Headless Chickens John N 17 0
18 Newington Reds Dudley 14 0
19 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 11 0
20 Woking Mike 11 0
    Points Player  
  Player of the week 15 Michu – SWA – MID  
    Club Sporting Lesbian  
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Author: The chairman

Ascended to the chairmanship of the Jeff Kenna League Fantasy Football League in 2007 after co-founded the league in London in August 2005.