THE KENNA League chairman has thrown his funny hat in the ring to become the next Pope.
The Catholic Church was left in the hunt for a new leader yesterday after Benedict XVI became the first pontiff in 600 years to resign.
Despite not being a cardinal or even a Catholic, the Kenna chairman, who was recognised in the Queen’s New Year’s honours list to become Sir Nimrod Rodgers-Boyce, claims he has the perfect credentials for the job.
He said: “The Vatican may have a following of 1.2bn compared to our smaller league membership [of 20], but the issues are the same. Most of my flock freely engage in intimate pre-marital relations, and if the stories are true a few of them enjoy going bareback with strangers too.”
Asked how he’d tackle the high-profile issue of child abuse in the church that dogged the last incumbent’s papacy, Rodgers-Boyce said his in-depth knowledge of the Kenna League’s draconian forfeit process – the Titus Bramble ruling – would more than prepare him for the role.
“During my eight years in charge a lot more people than just Kenna managers officially complained after forcibly having their pants pulled down by Titus Bramble.”
The Vatican are yet to comment.
Cup scores – Last 16 first leg
Five teams picked up crucial away goals, including Hairy Fadjeetas on a precarious visit to the Horn of Africa.
The second leg will take place on 26 February.
Kenna HQ has produced a gnatty wallchart to keep track of the latest cup developments. Download your free copy from The Rub on the right hand side of the page.
|1||Vasco De Beauvoir||Stix||40||3|
|2||Just put Carles||Carles||40||2|
|5||Sporting Lesbian||Ben M||32||2|
|8||Judean Peoples’ Front||Sholto||29||0|
|11||Wandsworth Window Lickers||Will||23||1|
|12||PSV Mornington||El Pons||22||0|
|14||FC Testicluadew||James N||20||0|
|16||Still Don’t Know Yet||Pete||19||1|
|17||Headless Chickens||John N||17||0|
|19||Lokomotiv Leeds||Ben S||11||0|
|Player of the week||15||Michu – SWA – MID|