THE KENNA League is jumping on the pundit bandwagon about the Per Mertesacker and Laurent Koscielny partnership being the basis of Arsenal’s realised European ambition.
The four best defences in the Kenna this season helped their team to a top-half finish. Joe Hart, Ashley Cole and Jose Enrique shared a tremendous season at Judean Peoples’ Front to crown the team best at the back.
In midfield, the Just Put Carles manager’s decision to stick with his starting four of Arteta, Silva, Osman and Henderson – more likely through not turning up to transfer windows than anything else – paid dividends.
Despite winning the league on Sunday with the most goals scored of any side, Sporting Lesbian fell short in defence and midfield for which the front pair of Luis Suarez and Sergio Aguero more than atoned. Only Robin van Persie and Arouna Kone at Still Don’t Know Yet did better.
The Sporting manager’s celebratory tweet today suggests a William Hill account has taken a bit of beating over the last few months.
@jeffkennaleague Delighted with the season, the prize money just about covers all the dodgy bets I’ve made this season..
HE TRIED his hardest to mess it up at the end, but the Sporting Lesbian manager still cruised to victory.
Looking back at May’s turkey of the month award, the Sporting boss will be keen to welcome the return of the banned Luis Suarez next season, as will every other club in the league if he stays on these shores.
Vanquished champion the FC Testiculadew manager is consoled with second place. Expect him to come back strong and remorseless.
The Newington Reds and Just Put Carles managers shared April’s manager of the month award, which means just a fiver each for them.
The sacked Woking manager may have to review his transfer policy ahead of the new campaign after picking up turkey of the month awards in the immediate aftermath of both transfer windows.
The best (prize money)
Sporting Lesbian – League champions plus August’s and November’s manager of the month (£120), also May’s turkey of the month
FC Testiculadew – League runners up plus September’s manager of the month (£50)
The Vasco manager’s disastrous campaign is being pinpointed to the moment he lost a £40m Sergio Aguero under the Titus Bramble ruling at the August auction. The strike force of Leroy Lita and Fabio Borini offered little recompense.
Aguero went on to the snapped up for £12m and became an integral component of Sporting Lesbian’s team.
Speaking to Sky Sports News this morning outside Vasco’s Shoreditch Park ground, which was as far he got when it turned out club wallahs had already ordered the locks to be changed, the outgoing manager said: “Is it opening time yet?”
In south London, the Kenna diversity police are hot on the trail of another manager with a P45 fresh in his in tray.
No one expected Wandsworth Window Lickers to put up much of a fight this season considering their registered status as intellectually disabled.
But the team bus with rainbows on the side and disproportionately high number of grab handles at their home ground was just a ruse, the whole team turned out to be physically fit athletes who possessed all their mental faculties – with the exception of Peter Odemwingie, who was mostly a knob.
The Wandsworth manager was last seen boarding a plane to South America on a ‘scouting mission’. Club bean counters are said to be keen to speak to the errant manager over missing disability allowance funds.
Surrey Police were believed to have made a breakthrough in the manhunt when an early-hours 999 call from a club admin girl claimed the manager’s car was parked outside her Worplesdon flat.
A response was dispatched, but officers arrived to find the property empty and ransacked. Two days later the girl was fished out of the Basingstoke Canal with a broken neck.
The search continues.
Managers will flock to a central London pub on Friday for the Kenna end-of-season awards night.
The Chairman said: “It’s been a long season and for all that hard work managers deserve nothing less than to buy me a beer. There’ll also be a short quiz to see how much people remember from the campaign’s shenanigans.”
It’s yet to be seen what effect the final day of the season will have on the Kenna League table, although Spartak Mogadishu were just too far back from third place for their six goals to have any likely say in the race for prize money.
Sporting Lesbian are almost certain to take the league title. A goal from Dimitar Berbatov will most likely have cemented runners up place to defending champions FC Testiculadew.
The two goals, alongside a Steven Pienaar assist and John Ruddy clean sheet, put defending champions FCT to within 56 points of Sporting Lesbian.
The 19th goal of the campaign from Lesbian’s £2.5m midfielder Michu puts one hand on the title for the debut manager.
The chasing pack with one week to go:
Judean Peoples’ Front
Another all-action display from the defence – Joe Hart, Ashley Cole and Jose Enrique have scored over 400 points between them – and a brace from Emmanuel Adebayor put the club just 15 points off second place. An excellent season from the Anders Breivik doppleganger manager whose previous league best was ninth.
Frank Lampard isn’t the Kenna star performer he once was, but two goals on the weekend, and assists from Ricky Lambert and Adam Johnson have their manager just 30 points away from equaling his best league finish – runners up in the 2006/07 season
Goals from Oscar and Robert Snodgrass found the net. Nathan Dyer and Carlos Tevez helped others to do the same. Even Danny Graham’s drought and Per Mertesacker can’t stop the Olisadebe Euro 2012 winning manager from an outside chance of second place.
Just Put Carles
The Catalan manager dropped down the table, but all eyes will be on this weekend’s Canesten Combi Cup final against Spartak Mogadishu. Goals from Silva, Henderson, Maloney & co could prompt a cup win and podium finish come Sunday.
It would take a Herculean effort for Lokomotiv to make up the 39 point gap to third place. The manager doesn’t look like achieving the runner up spot debut of last season.
Meanwhile at the other end, the relegation dogfight looks to have fizzled out. Even with the Lukas Podolski double scored in tonight’s match (not included in this update), Vasco De Beauvoir are closer to digging themselves further into oblivion than the other way. The end of an eight year tenure in the Kenna?
Wandsworth Window Lickers are trying to guide themselves into the end of a awful season. Their manager has whisked himself off to Colombia for a jolly, under the guise of having a nose for new talent – a move being sniffed at by his critics.
Surrey Police have found an abandoned car in Runtley Wood, thought to belong to the missing Woking manager. The manhunt continues.
The Trafalgar sits like a fortress on the banks of the river. Fortunately, it was penetrable and offered wooden floors, views of the river and what an estate agent would call a ‘well-appointed’ interior.
Lots of photos of an historic British naval theme inside. Admiral Nelson features heavily. A French provincial would enjoy this place as much as Nick Griffin would enjoy taking Napolean in his mouth.
The epicentre of Greenwich? The throng of people in here probably more due to its location between the market and the rebuilt Cutty Sark rather than its strengths as a pub.
Walk through the front bar and it opens out into semi-conservatory style area.
It’s a pity to think this kind of boozer is the image of a traditional London pub many tourists take home.
Crawlers’ pub comments
Fat Peter Sutcliffe said: “Pretentious (i.e. small) macaroni cheese.”
Vicki the bus spotter said: “Binksy had to go on to the bloody Mary the cure the hangover.”
The boat queue, Greenwich
Thames Clippers run regularly, but as the mantra goes ‘no one every plans to fail, they only fail to plan’. It turned out rather than bowling on board, London Oyster cards had to be used to buy tickets from a booth.
To cut a long story short, a 20-minute wait in the drizzle was overcome with the boat drinks.
The boat, River Thames
The boat trip from Greenwich to Greenland Pier takes around 10 minutes. Ample time to have a drink and hack off all the other passengers…
If a sign outside a pub says ‘No work wear’ then it’s safe to assume there are building sites nearby. So what conclusions can be drawn of the surrounding community’s socio-economic make up if the sign says ‘Tops must be kept on inside the bar’?
The growing inclemency of the weather meant all tops were on, but did little to dampen the spirits in this welcoming boozer on board a boat moored in Surrey Quays.
The ceiling around the bar was covered in foreign currency, Binksy’s cue to show off his exotic trillion dollar bill. The barmaid smiled for the camera and afterwards asked him to pay in sterling.
Crawlers’ pub comments
Fat Peter Sutcliffe said: “Nice Cockney boozer. Probably best to avoid on Millwall match days.
Vicki the bus spotter said: “Nice maps on the ceiling! Rough as hell but very amusing. We all kept our tops on.”
When a pub plays Heart radio from a late 90s television, one can expect all the other trappings of a proper London locals’ boozer, such as a man in a flat cap playing the fruit machine and the dip in conversation when a bunch of half-cut strangers enter.
Plenty of regulars were in early doors and a convivial atmosphere quickly resumed.
The Spartak Mogadishu manager finally arrived with an excuse that will go down in the annals of history: “I forgot where south London was.” Quite how his fellow countrymen command such terror on the high seas is anyone’s guess.
Crawlers’ pub comments
Fat Peter Sutcliffe said: “Fags behind the bar for £8.50. Don’t look anyone in the eye.”
Vicki the bus spotter said: “Dodgy pub – nice maroon carpet. A bit like the Duke of Sussex in Waterloo. The Spartak Mogadishu manager finally managed to grace us with his presence.”
When it turned out the Angel had a fireplace and wand-like poker, one crawler’s scarf was pressed into action for Harry Potter impressions. Don’t judge, if it wasn’t for the photos no one would have remembered it.
Lord alone knows what the assembled locals thought, but when the Spartak Mogadishu manager spilled his drink everywhere the landlord made him clean it up, much to general amusement.
Crawlers’ pub comments
Fat Peter Sutcliffe said: “Sam Smith’s and landlord makes the Spartak Mogadishu manager clean up his own spillages.”
Vicki the bus spotter said: “Do like a Sammy Smith’s pub!
On the Sunday morning recce a few weeks beforehand the Old Justice had looked shut for years, but as crawlers stumbled along the river towards Tower Bridge it was open and it seemed churlish not to pop in for one.
Without a doubt the strangest pub all day. The staff consisted of a landlord and hoardes of Asian women, who served our drinks and then gave us plates and plates of battered seafood and a free shot of rice wine.
No one was entirely sure what was happening, but everyone was glad to move on.
Crawlers’ pub comments
Fat Peter Sutcliffe said: “Oriental money laundering front with hookers out back on request (POA). Free room temperature scampi, onion rings and salmonella washed down by nasty rice wine.”
Vicki the bus spotter said: “Cold battered fish and odd sake!”
Forever dedicated to exploring new pubs the crawlers went on to enjoy more cheer at Village East on Bermondsey Street.
Recollection is sparse. Afterwards it was marveled at how we got into this marginally upmarket bar.
Life tasted good. We were pioneers of the first ever recorded pub crawl from Greenwich to Tower Bridge, and it included a maritime adventure. We were proud descendants of our country’s finest naval heroes. We were Sir Francis Drake singeing the King of Spain’s beard at Cadiz. We were Admiral Nelson smashing through the French at Trafalgar. We were… desperately trying not to fall asleep on the night bus home.
The personnel crisis at Sporting Lesbian is a surprising twist in this term’s final act. In his debut campaign their manager has dominated to such an extent that league investigators claim to have found the ashes of any competition for the title in the living room woodburner of his country cottage.
The door has now been left ajar for defending champions FC Testiculadew. Not dissimilar to the Sporting manager’s debut this time, FCT’s authority over last season’s contest led to their manager being implicated in the ‘Kenna in the bag‘ scandal in April 2012.
In second place for most of the year, the FCT manager is also struggling to get the best from his team as strikers Loic Remy and Dimitar Berbatov rapidly lose interest in proceedings. Over his shoulder a host of clubs are queuing up for the spoils.
Pikey Scum in fifteenth would appear most likely to escape a dreary performance with a mid-table finish. Below them two goals from ‘Release’ Bryan Ruiz and a second league notch for Gareth McAuley on the weekend have Vasco De Beauvoir exerting a modicum of pressure on those clubs just above the drop zone.
A CHRISTIAN Benteke hat-trick in 18 minutes secured a cup final place for Spartak Mogadishu.
The Pirates had looked unlikely to beat Canesten Combi Cup holders FC Testiculadew but the Belgian international supplied a last-gasp lifeline. Benteke’s Somali manager was overjoyed.
“Yarrrrr! I be waitin’ many o’ year to get me mitts on some booty, and I don’t mean western tourists wit’ rope burn on tharr wrists, for I be gettin’ plenty o’ that!” said the Spartak Mogadishu boss banging his fist on the table to the raucous cheers of his management team, before ordering a petrified and dehydrated hostage to ‘blow the man down’.
Just Put Carles will be the other side contesting the 19 May final after their Catalan manager progressed with a rare Jordan Henderson brace in the second leg against Still Don’t Know Yet.
Continuing the bitter rivalry with the Kenna League’s other Catalan manager, the JPC boss said: *”PSV Mornington són els fills bastards de cabrers il · legítims, i aquesta victòria és un testimoni de la nostra superioritat sobre aquesta escòria que ni tan sols estan en condicions de menjar xoriço a la taula dels Castillianos.”
Commentators are citing the final between foreign managers as further evidence of the decline of managerial talent in England.
Failure to defend the Canesten Combi trophy will come as a double blow to the FC Testiculadew manager, as his chances of retaining the league title ebbed away even more with three weeks to go.
The FCT manager said: “Fools! Every thousand years, I test each life system in the universe. I visit it with mysteries, earthquakes, unpredicted eclipses, strange craters in the wilderness, irregular bidding practices at fantasy football auctions… If these are taken as natural, I judge that system ignorant and harmless – I spare it.
“But if the Hand of tactical Brambling is recognized in these events, I judge that system dangerous to us. I call upon the great god Titus, and for his greater glory, and for our mutual pleasure, I destroy it utterly!”