Kenna window sparks Royal Mail meltdown

Kenna HQ doormat
Groaning: The Kenna HQ doormat struggles under the weight of transfer requests

ROYAL Mail chiefs last night warned of further disruption to services after the Kenna transfer window was blamed for bringing the postal system to the brink of collapse.

Managers notifying the league of their unwanted players by mail ahead of tomorrow’s first transfer window caused an unprecedented surge in correspondence.

As of this morning, Kenna HQ has received 11 letters from managers eager to get their hands on the £10m transfer kitty bonus for getting their requests in by post before today’s deadline. The volume of mail is expected to double today.

The £10m bonus will be added to the remaining funds from managers’ £100m budget from the Kenna pre-season auction. Gathered in the pub tomorrow at 3pm, the managers will bid against each other over unsigned footballers at the transfer auction to fill the gaps in their teams.

Aaron Ramsey, Mesut Ozil, Christian Eriksen and Samuel Eto’o are set to top transfer window shopping lists.

The league chairman said: “This is the top, top, top level of football in the world and managers are keen to give themselves the best advantage as they look to freshen up their teams heading into winter. There’s a long way to go to the second, and last, transfer window of the season in February.

“I can confirm that I received a telephone call from the Royal Mail chairman Donald Brydon CBE who begged me to change Kenna rules since additional strain was being put on their services. It seems the volume of under-performing footballers’ names being sent by post was interrupting deliveries of vital, lifesaving equipment.

“I said to him ‘Don, calm down, it’s not like anyone’s lost a kidney. Also, stop using the phone, it’s bad for your business’.

“The call ended well. We’re playing golf next week.”

Photos of managers posting their submissions have flooded social media sites. A prize will be awarded for the best offerings. Here’s a pick of the entries so far:

JPF manager mail room
Going postal: Anders Breivik lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager misuses the cricket-loving company dwarf
Useless Kenna blazers
Seeing red: The Still Don’t Know Yet manager shakes his fist at ‘the ivory tower
London 2012 stamp
Instant forfeit: The Young Boys manager owes the Kenna committee a round of drinks at tomorrow’s transfer window for using official London 2012 branding
St Reatham post
PR opp: The St Reatham FC manager attempts to rebuild his public image after being plagued by unsavoury allegations earlier this year
The Queen
Queen of football clubs: Her Maj is pressed into service by league leader the Headless Chickens manager
Reading boozers
Pitcher and Piano: The Team Panda Rules OK manager advertises the poor choice of pubs in Berkshire’s county town
Cock drawing
Cock and balls: FC Testiculadew stationery adheres to strict brand guidelines
Fadges post
Knit: The Hairy Fadjeetas manager
Jimmy Savile
Ride of his life: The Judean Peoples’ Front manager felt it appropriate to include this photo with his transfer request
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Author: The chairman

Ascended to the chairmanship of the Jeff Kenna League Fantasy Football League in 2007 after co-founded the league in London in August 2005.