PSV Mornington sack manager

PSV MORNINGTON sacked their manager last night, citing poor performances and a lack of commitment as reasons.

A week before Christmas the north London club is pinned to the bottom of the table with the lowest points tally of any team at this stage of the season since the Kenna was founded in 2005.

Question marks hang over the manager’s dedication to PSV Mornington after another dismal display on the weekend. Rather than focus on improving team discipline, he was spotted partying into the early hours at the Dolphin in Hackney.

Failure to attend the transfer window in October, for which the manager allegedly suffered psychological torture at the hands of Clint Dempsey in retribution, is also thought to be a critical factor in the Catalan’s dismissal.

A club statement issued this morning read: “We could say PSV and the manager reached a mutual agreement and we wish him all the best with his future career, but we’d be lying. He was an absolute disaster.

“Since his appointment three seasons ago he’s never finished higher than 10th in the table, and we should’ve cut him loose in December 2010 when we found the club in exactly the same situation. We wouldn’t wish his services on any club. Or his bar bill.”

The Catalan manager has struggled to make an impact from the campaign’s outset.

He was widely criticised by everyone associated with PSV after the summer auction for buying players well known to injury and indifferent form.

The comical strike partnership of Andy Carroll and Fernando Torres has come to be symbolic of his tenure’s steady demise. Charles N’Zogbia the kiss of death.

Leaving the club car park late last night with a handful of personal effects which only appeared to be a tub of arroz con leche, the manager declined to be interviewed. His relationship with the media broke down in April last year after a bitter war of words with a rival Catalan manager.

The club denied rumours the dismissal paves way for newly-unemployed André Villas-Boas to take the helm.

Until the position is filled permanently, PSV Mornington will be managed by the club’s assistant coach – a life-sized cardboard cutout of Pep Guardiola.

Worst Christmas ever

The outgoing PSV Mornington manager has beaten his own record for the least points scored by the week before Christmas. Only once in history has the last-placed Kenna manager finished outside the relegation zone.

17 December 2013: PSV Mornington – 194 points

14 December 2010: PSV Mornington – 246 points, finished 17th (last, relegated)

16 December 2009: Fat Ladies – 268 points, finished 12th (last, relegated)

13 December 2011: The Dan Terry Seduction – 284 points, finished 17th (relegated)

19 December 2007: Dynamo Temple – 304 points, finished 10th (out of 12)

18 December 2012: Vasco De Beauvoir – 307 points, finished 18th (relegated)

13 December 2006: Vazmanian Devils – 317 points, finished 9th (last, relegated)

17 December 2008: FC Gun Show – 318 points, finished 12th (last, relegated)

14 December 2005: Stockwell Stockwell – 343 points, finished 8th (last, relegated)

Kenna table

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	48	4
2	Just put Carles	Carles	40	3
3	KS West Green	Stix	39	3
4	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	38	2
5	FC Testiculadew	James N	37	1
6	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	35	1
7	Team Panda Rules OK	George	31	0
8	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	28	2
9	Piedmonte	Phil	28	0
10	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	27	1
11	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	24	1
12	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	23	2
13	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	21	1
14	Bala Rinas	Lewis	21	0
15	Newington Reds	Dudley	19	1
16	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	18	2
17	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	17	0
18	Young Boys	Denney	16	0
19	Headless Chickens	John N	13	1
20	PSV Mornington	El Pons	13	1
21	St. Reatham FC	Mike	13	1
22	Pikey Scum	Jack	11	0
23	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	6	0
		Points	Player
	Player of the week	21	Suarez, L – LIV – STR
		Club	This is Sparta…Prague