The Case of the Missing Eight Games

DEEP in the bowls of Kenna HQ lies a vast underground record of all the notable, notorious and mediocre football management achievements in the league.

Chronicled for posterity in those dark annals are such guilded histories as FC Testiculadew’s Kenna in the bag season, the time Fat Ladies ended the most dismal of campaigns more than 200 points adrift and perhaps most importantly of all the 2009/10 Judean Peoples’ Front side becoming the most average team ever to compete in the league.

Whispers in the corridors and smoking areas of Kenna HQ maintain that hidden in these depths, amongst dusty artefacts like the March 2007 third transfer window and the mysterious soundproofed door to which only the chairman has the key, is a list of the highest individual weekly scores written in virgin’s blood on a beermat preserved from the first ever auction.

Statisticians are praying this sacred parchment is found soon, as Luis Suarez is believed to have had the best ever seven days in the Kenna.

The Uruguayan’s manager at This is Sparta…Prague is so delighted with the striker’s five goals and four assists he’s had T-shirts made bearing the slogan ‘He’ll miss the first eight games though’.

The jibe is a reference to a popular remark made by Kenna managers at August’s pre-season auction dismissing the player as a poor investment, and which allowed the Sparta manager to cheerfully pick Luis up for just £0.5m.

Suarez’ exploits now see him overtaking £38m KS West Green striker Sergio Aguero as the top performing player in the league. The Still Don’t Know Yet manager can only rue his decision to make Robin van Persie the most expensive Kenna player ever. The glass Dutchman does not warrant his £46m price tag.

Unfortunately for Sparta, the unprecedented individual display of Suarez was only enough to lift them one place in the relegation zone.

At the business end of the league, two goals from Yaya Toure were not enough to stop Headless Chickens relinquishing their nine-week spell at the top of the table to Piedmonte.

Canesten Combi Cup results

Kenna table

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	FC Testiculadew	James N	69	4
2	KS West Green	Stix	63	4
3	Newington Reds	Dudley	60	4
4	Piedmonte	Phil	60	0
5	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	55	5
6	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	55	2
7	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	54	2
8	Team Panda Rules OK	George	50	2
9	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	47	2
10	Bala Rinas	Lewis	42	2
11	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	41	0
12	St. Reatham FC	Mike	35	2
13	Pikey Scum	Jack	34	0
14	Headless Chickens	John N	32	2
15	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	32	2
16	Just put Carles	Carles	32	0
17	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	31	1
18	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	31	0
19	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	31	0
20	Young Boys	Denney	31	0
21	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	29	0
22	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	28	1
23	PSV Mornington	El Pons	27	1
		Points	Player
	Player of the week	38	Suarez, L – LIV – STR
		Club	This is Sparta…Prague