The Case of the Missing Eight Games

Goldeneye archives
Explosive: Luis Suarez has earned a place in the archives

DEEP in the bowls of Kenna HQ lies a vast underground record of all the notable, notorious and mediocre football management achievements in the league.

Chronicled for posterity in those dark annals are such guilded histories as FC Testiculadew’s Kenna in the bag season, the time Fat Ladies ended the most dismal of campaigns more than 200 points adrift and perhaps most importantly of all the 2009/10 Judean Peoples’ Front side becoming the most average team ever to compete in the league.

Whispers in the corridors and smoking areas of Kenna HQ maintain that hidden in these depths, amongst dusty artefacts like the March 2007 third transfer window and the mysterious soundproofed door to which only the chairman has the key, is a list of the highest individual weekly scores written in virgin’s blood on a beermat preserved from the first ever auction.

Statisticians are praying this sacred parchment is found soon, as Luis Suarez is believed to have had the best ever seven days in the Kenna.

The Uruguayan’s manager at This is Sparta…Prague is so delighted with the striker’s five goals and four assists he’s had T-shirts made bearing the slogan ‘He’ll miss the first eight games though’.

The jibe is a reference to a popular remark made by Kenna managers at August’s pre-season auction dismissing the player as a poor investment, and which allowed the Sparta manager to cheerfully pick Luis up for just £0.5m.

Suarez’ exploits now see him overtaking £38m KS West Green striker Sergio Aguero as the top performing player in the league. The Still Don’t Know Yet manager can only rue his decision to make Robin van Persie the most expensive Kenna player ever. The glass Dutchman does not warrant his £46m price tag.

Unfortunately for Sparta, the unprecedented individual display of Suarez was only enough to lift them one place in the relegation zone.

At the business end of the league, two goals from Yaya Toure were not enough to stop Headless Chickens relinquishing their nine-week spell at the top of the table to Piedmonte.

Canesten Combi Cup results

Cup results - 10 December 2013
Canesten Combi Cup results – 10 December 2013

Kenna table

Kenna table week 14 - 10 December 2013
Kenna table week 14 – 10 December 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 FC Testiculadew James N 69 4
2 KS West Green Stix 63 4
3 Newington Reds Dudley 60 4
4 Piedmonte Phil 60 0
5 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 55 5
6 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 55 2
7 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 54 2
8 Team Panda Rules OK George 50 2
9 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 47 2
10 Bala Rinas Lewis 42 2
11 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 41 0
12 St. Reatham FC Mike 35 2
13 Pikey Scum Jack 34 0
14 Headless Chickens John N 32 2
15 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 32 2
16 Just put Carles Carles 32 0
17 Dynamo Charlton Alex 31 1
18 Northern Monkeys Hugo 31 0
19 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 31 0
20 Young Boys Denney 31 0
21 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 29 0
22 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 28 1
23 PSV Mornington El Pons 27 1
Points Player
Player of the week 38 Suarez, L – LIV – STR
Club This is Sparta…Prague
Share Button

Author: The chairman

Ascended to the chairmanship of the Jeff Kenna League Fantasy Football League in 2007 after co-founded the league in London in August 2005.