The Kenna 2013 end of year awards

James N profile
Tactical Brambling’s the FC Testiculadew manager was beaten to the Kenna’s biggest nemesis in 2013 award. But by who?

The next 24 hours will see New Year celebrations from everyone in the world, except perhaps the Schumachers.

Therefore – as Hairy Fadjeetas become the fourth team this season to sit on top of the table – it’s time to look back on the last 12 months in the Kenna to recognise the best, worst, biggest, most inappropriate and most mediocre of the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football competition.

“What a year it’s been,” said the chairman, more focused on visiting the Polish mountain town of Żywiec today.

Best newcomer – the Sporting Lesbian manager

Michu, Luis Suarez and Sergio Aguero allowed the debut manager to cruise to victory in May

Performance of the year – Spartak Mogadishu

…but Sporting Lesbian’s domineering league success was not enough to overshadow the previous season’s record set by FC Testiculadew. It was the Pirates’ 7-1 walloping of Just Put Carles in the Canesten Combi Cup final – including hat tricks from Kevin Nolan and Romeleu Lukaku – that was the stand out effort.

Worst performance of the year – the PSV Mornington manager

The opportunity to rectify a dire situation at October’s transfer window was shunned, and the Catalan was out on his ear by Christmas, setting the record for the worst ever start to a campaign and the earliest ever Kenna sacking.

The Wally with the Brolly award for most hapless tournament campaign – Bala Rinas

Despite worrying the top three places this term, success comes rarely to the league treasurer. Never was this is in so much evidence as January when yet another disastrous trophy attempt came to a sorry end. Played four, lost four is the worst Canesten Combi Cup group stage performance ever. And he had Gareth Bale.

Captain Mainwaring leadership award – the Still Don’t Know Yet manager

Many will claim his task of whipping a bunch of misfits into into some sort of shape should sew this one up for the Kenna League chairman. But when questioned in February on his decision not to release absentees Drusille Ngako and Anton Ferndinand ahead of the transfer window, the Still Don’t Know Yet manager came out with this corker: “Do you think Napoleon focused on every individual soldier? No, he was looking at the big picture, and so am I.”

Biggest dilemma ahead of a transfer window award – Juan Mata or Demba Ba?

How the outcast PSV Mornington manager must have wished for this doozy in the recent October window? Back in January his side were flying high, but Demba Ba’s move to London meant he either had to jettison the goal hungry Senagalese or the mercurial Juan Mata. His decision to keep Mata was vindicated when the Spaniard went onto be widely lauded as the player of last season, while Ba lost his way. All three of them must look back fondly from their current slumps.

The Dr Evil award for the Kenna’s biggest nemesis – the Catholic Church

Despite his obvious talents at administrating a group of men whose names should be on some sort of police register, the chairman was cruelly overlooked by the Vatican when the big job came up in February. To add insult to injury the chairman was again thwarted by those fools in Rome in October when the farcical timing of his even more farcical marriage lessons meant the transfer window schedule had to rearranged.

The Kevin Keegan ‘I would LOVE it’ award for coping with April pressure – the Woking manager

Natalie Sawyer, Chobham Common, a socket wrench and a Genesis classic. Cue darkness.

The Jack Wilshere xenophobe award – Mo Farrah’s pirate accent

Not even Jack’s misplaced comments on English nationality could overshadow the heinous crime of cack handedly bringing the UK’s favourite Somali immigrant into the ongoing Spartak Mogadishu pirate gags.

The Amsterdam red light district award for most false promise in the window – Jason Puncheon

Despite his unpredictable bowl movements, Jason Puncheon’s run of form leading up to the February transfer window attracted a sizeable fee. His average performances for the rest of season were not enough to help Vasco De Beauvoir avoid the drop.

The Notorious BIG Life After Death award for best post-Kenna career – the former manager of The Dan Terry Seduction

From boardroom dressing downs to unsuccessfully slipping a roofy to a young, female journalist, The Dan Terry Seduction’s former boss had all the qualities of a Kenna manager off the pitch. When inevitable relegation and P45 collection came, he picked himself up, dusted himself off and turned his particular talents to terrorising a middle England golf club. Rumour has it he still parks in the club pro’s reserved space.

The Men from the Ministry Bureaucratic Balls Up award – Kenna HQ

Just Put Carles may have been trounced in the Canesten Combi Cup final, but it’s remarkable they even made it past the quarter finals. Initially Sporting Lesbian had been announced as victors of the tie, but inaccuracies were spotted and a few days later Kenna HQ revised the outcome. Where was the chairman during this state of emergency? Allegedly dicking around in Warsaw at the former Gestapo HQ. The champions league first goal scorer sweepstake, which no one won because Mario Mandzukic wasn’t in the hat, comes a close second.

Best night out – August auction

The Two Chairmen in Trafalgar Square followed by a casino visit at the February window and the nine-hour session in the Pakenham Arms at the end of season awards in May were both eclipsed by August’s marathon event. Eight hours of bidding for players in the upstairs bar The Roebuck, followed by another six surrounded by intrepid young Spanish women on a disco boat moored at Temple Pier, left many managers reeling for several days.

The Operation Yewtree award for best youth set up – the Young Boys manager

Rolf Harris locked in a Vauxhall flat with 10 Young Boys.

Kenna table

Kenna table week 17 - 31 December 2013
Why won’t this bloody laptop crop images properly? Apple are such…

Weekly scores





Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden   61    4 


Newington Reds Dudley   58    3 


Judean Peoples Front Sholto   57    3 


Northern Monkeys Hugo    52    2 


This is Sparta…Prague Rich   49    2 


Team Panda Rules OK George   47    3 


Sporting Lesbian Ben M   46    3 


St. Reatham FC Mike    44    3 


Spartak Mogadishu Abdi   42    2 


Bala Rinas Lewis   42    1 


FC Testiculadew James N   42    1 


Young Boys Denney   41    2 


Pikey Scum Jack   40    2 


Headless Chickens John N   40    1 


Still Don’t Know Yet Pete   40    1 


Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge   39    1 


Dulwich Red Sox Luke   38    2 


Dynamo Charlton Alex   33    2 


KS West Green Stix   33    0


Just put Carles Carles   29    2 


Piedmonte Phil   28    0


Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S   24    1 


PSV Mornington El Pons   17    0 


Player of the week


Walcott, T – ARS – MID


Dynamo Charlton
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Author: The chairman

Ascended to the chairmanship of the Jeff Kenna League Fantasy Football League in 2007 after co-founded the league in London in August 2005.