Pep ‘Cardiola’ given permanent PSV job

Pep Guardiola Roman Abramovich
Stiff competition: PSV Mornington beat off interest from other clubs to sign Guardiola on a permanent basis today (photo courtesy of Paddy Power)

A CARDBOARD cut out of Pep Guardiola has been made the permanent manager of Kenna strugglers PSV Mornington.

Since taking the helm as caretaker just before Christmas, the former assistant – known as Pep ‘Cardiola’ by more wacky fans – has overseen two goals from Fernando Torres and one from Santi Cazorla, almost doubling the team’s five-month goal tally in just three weeks.

There were raised eyebrows at a PSV Mornington press conference this morning, when the club unveiled the new manager by placing the cardboard cut out in front of assembled journalists.

Cardiola remained tight lipped about his plans to escape relegation. The PSV press officer assured everyone the manager was playing his cards close to his chest ahead of the upcoming Kenna transfer window, due to take place in the pub after work on Friday 7 February.

Sacked in December after the most dismal start to a campaign in Kenna history, the full extent of the former PSV Mornington manager’s ineptitude was laid bare today when the league published it’s traditional mid-season review: Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart.

In the first five months of the campaign, the hapless former manager received four turkey of the month awards, just one short of the most earned in a whole season by the Fat Ladies manager in 2009/10.

For the first time since that season three years ago, the manager of the month awards have been shared by five different managers, reflecting the fierce competition for the top spot this term.

Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart

Kenna performance chart January 2014
Kenna performance chart August to December 2014

Kenna table

Kenna League week 19 - 14 January 2014
Kenna League week 19 – 14 January 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 FC Testiculadew James N 41 3
2 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 35 3
3 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 34 3
4 Piedmonte Phil 32 3
5 Newington Reds Dudley 32 0
6 Young Boys Denney 29 0
7 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 27 3
8 KS West Green Stix 24 1
9 Headless Chickens John N 24 0
10 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 22 0
11 Bala Rinas Lewis 21 1
12 Team Panda Rules OK George 21 1
13 Just put Carles Carles 21 0
14 Northern Monkeys Hugo 20 1
15 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 20 1
16 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 20 1
17 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 19 1
18 Dynamo Charlton Alex 19 0
19 St. Reatham FC Mike 18 0
20 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 17 1
21 PSV Mornington El Pons 14 1
22 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 13 0
23 Pikey Scum Jack 11 1
Points Player
Player of the week 19 Johnson, A – SUN – MID
Club Lokomotiv Leeds
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Author: The chairman

Ascended to the chairmanship of the Jeff Kenna League Fantasy Football League in 2007 after co-founded the league in London in August 2005.