NORTHERN Monkeys’ last 16 cup draw at Rapids De Cullons was overshadowed this week by an extraordinary row over a series of unguarded but highly disparaging remarks by the manager about the club’s strikers.
THE cellar at Kenna HQ is being soundproofed ‘for footballing reasons’, it was claimed today.
The league chairman was forced to comment after leaked photos emerged of him insulating a confined, windowless crawlspace believed to lie directly underneath the boardroom of London’s leading pub-based fantasy football league.
Despite the appearance of something more sinister, the chairman was adamant the only motive was to reduce managers’ subscription costs by saving on Kenna HQ energy bills.
The groans having receded after it was pointed out there was already enough hot air in league committee meetings, sceptics were quick condemn the photos as further proof of the Kenna executive’s increasingly hard line measures.
Many believe the Kenna’s manager experiences department, a secretive arm of league apparatus responsible for policing members, is behind the move.
In August 2012, the manager experiences department were believed to be behind the abduction of defender James Collins from his team hotel. The incident led to one manager slamming the Kenna as ‘out of touch blazers’.
Faced with these latest allegations, the chairman maintained the league’s motives were honest.
“I know from the photos it looks like we’re building some sort of Fritzl Suite to help silence dissent from agitators, but that’s simply not the case. As an organisation committed to sustainability we’re simply making our HQ building more energy efficient.
“At the heart of everything we do is making the Kenna the ultimate fantasy, and these renovations are part of that fantasy,” he said over the muffled cries of Titus Bramble.
Cup fixtures announced
The first round of knockout games in the Canesten Combi Cup will take place this weekend.
A total of 16 teams made it out of the group stages in January. They will be drawn in head-to-head ties on tomorrow’s 1750 from Birmingham New Street to Euston.
“It’s the first time the last 16 draw will be made on a moving train, but I must assure managers that we will not be holding back on the traditional glamour associated with the Canesten,” said the chairman, charging up his briefcase with a couple of Jackie Chans.
In the pot
Group A – Judean Peoples’ Front, KS West Green, This is Sparta…Prague, Team Panda Rules OK
Group B – FC Testiculadew, Rapids De Cullons CF, Dynamo Charlton, St Reatham FC
Group C – Headless Chickens, Northern Monkeys, Spartak Mogadishu, Newington Reds
Group D – Hairy Fadjeetas, PSV Mornington, Bala Rinas, Lokomotiv Leeds
METRO Bank will become the main sponsor of the Kenna League as part of a £120m deal, it was announced today.
The three-year agreement includes everything from titles sponsorship of the Kenna League and exclusive world-wide marketing rights to corporate match-day hospitality to providing the pub buffet at auctions and transfer windows.
Media were invited to a launch event this morning at Metro Bank’s flagship Holborn branch in central London.
“This sponsorship shows the Kenna is a serious player in world football. We look forward to what promises to be a mutually beneficial relationship,” said the Kenna chairman, his eyes glazed over with pound sterling currency symbols.
There were a few raised eyebrows in the press pack when it turned out that rather than the chief executive or commercial director, the bank had left affairs to their mascot – Metro Man.
“I can assure you that I speak of behalf of the bank’s leadership team when I say we’re delighted to be entering this exciting partnership with the Kenna League,” enthused Metro Man a little too loudly, having emerged from the bank’s executive lavatory after an inordinate amount of time.
The M-shaped mascot tried to engage security staff in an arm wrestle and offered several of the branch’s nonplussed female employees a peek at his ‘love letter’, before posing for pictures with the Kenna chairman.
Metro Man demanded: “Get a wriggle on with these snaps will you? I want to get down to Coq d’Argent to toast this deal with a few bottles of Krug, sharpish. I’m doing a primary school at two.”
City analysts have questioned the legitimacy of the agreement.
The former PSV Mornington manager turned up to the window, collected the Bramble Jersey for being bottom of the league and proceeded to make no signings all night. He preferred to consume pints and cigarettes at an alarming rate until midnight.
A FLEET of Royal Navy ships has been deployed off the north east coast in an attempt to ward off the possibility of further pirate attacks following the brief abduction of a Middlesbrough football player.
Danny Graham had only just transferred to Boro from Kenna League team Still Don’t Know Yet when the incident happened on Friday night.
A pirate raiding party sailed up the River Tees to the club’s Riverside Stadium, where a landing party disembarked, captured the striker, and took him back on board.
However, after realising that Graham was ineligible to play for anyone but Middlesbrough (and useless at football so of little use for ransom), he was swiftly released almost as suddenly as he was captured.
“Yaaarrrrr, t’was an administrative error,” said a pirate spokesman as their ship sailed back towards Somalia.
TWO of the Kenna’s current powerhouses reacted with dismay after the season’s second transfer window descended in to farce on Friday evening.
Hairy Fadjeetas and Headless Chickens – two of the league’s so-called Big Four – were frozen out of proceedings as managers scrambled to fine tune or radically overhaul their teams in readiness for the business end of the season.
Accusations from the two mangers centre on the fact that league chiefs were unable to organise a piss up in a brewery/use Skype to allow team bosses on overseas scouting missions to bid for players. Skype has been the preferred method of bidding in abstentia for a number of years.
Speaking from an Alpine retreat, the Headless Chickens manager said: “Those at the top need to ask themselves some serious questions. Why we couldn’t engage in proceedings using a freemium voice-over-IP service and instant messaging client, I don’t know.
“I was asked to take part in what could be a season-defining auction using Whatsapp, that’s the digital equivalent of a carrier pigeon. They’re just self-interested Luddites.”
And the Hairy Fadjeetas boss, who recently fired a foul-mouthed salvo across the bows of Kenna HQ, added: “It’s not often that I feel like writing a strongly worded letter, but I am rather annoyed. C*nts.”
Kenna transfers nights are no strangers to controversy. During the Emmanuel Olisadebe 2012 Euros auction, the Horn of Africa threatened to resign his commission after a series of blunders while the very same evening saw the introduction of the pernicious practice known as tactical Brambling – the unloved brainchild of the current FC Testiculadew boss.
The Kenna chairman said: “Promises were made about wifi that weren’t kept.”
THE Hairy Fadjeetas manager has launched an expletive-ridden tirade in response to criticism of his approach to tomorrow’s Kenna League transfer window.
Labelling several Kenna figures as a rude word associated with a lady’s part, criticising league rivals and getting several of his players’ names wrong, the Hairy Fadjeetas manager held a press conference the likes of which football has never seen before*.
Despite an underperforming strikeforce of Roberto Soldado and Javier Hernandez, the manager has come under fire from fans and the club for choosing not to release any players ahead of tomorrow’s last chance to make changes before the end of the season in May.
Speaking while on holiday in the Austrian Alps as to how he planned to push for his maiden Kenna title without freshening up his team, the Fadges manager spat out this furious tirade earlier today:
“Don’t you f*ck!ng start. Which one’s the Chairman? You’re a c*nt. And which one’s from Mogadoodoo? You’re out of order. I don’t have to stand for it. Trying to f*cking undermine my position are you? It’s going to my lawyers.
“Transfers? Why do I need to make transfers? Are you trying to say my squad isn’t f*cking good enough or that I can’t get anyone in? We’ve got a great side with that Aaron Ramsden and Gethin Bazzard holding things together. I spend my whole life picking up the phone, talking to Alex Ferguson, week in, week out, what would you do, what would you do? I can pick the phone up at any time of day and speak to Arsene Wenger.
“And you can tell that Tactical Brambler… I’ve kept really quiet, but I’ll tell you something, he went down in my estimation when he did that – we have not resorted to that. But I’ll tell ya – you can tell him now if you’re watching it – we’re still fighting for this title, and he’s got to go to keep Dzeko scoring, and… and I tell you honestly, I will love it if we beat them, love it!”
Managers attending the window will be surprised to see some big names released this week. In particular, the Piedmonte manger, another pushing for his first Kenna title, jettisoned Samir Nasri – who returns from injury in a couple of weeks.
SUSPECTED murderer the St Reatham FC manager has admitted he will not be able to attend Friday’s Kenna transfer window in person for fear of being apprehended by authorities.
Speaking from his hideout in Switzerland, the manager said he would have to bid over Skype in the Kenna transfer auction while the heinous crime committed in south east England last year remains unsolved.
Police later retrieved a tire iron and a Phil Collins CD – both smeared with the manager’s DNA and forensically linked to the crime scene – hidden behind some old training cones at the Woking practice ground.
The St Reatham FC manager said yesterday: “Due to my enforced stay in the non-EU safe haven of Switzerland, I have been unable to send a postcard [with players to be released].
“Until I can prove my innocence I’m confined to Basel. Therefore I will need to Skype in.”
Kenna managers had until today to submit their unwanted players to the league – by post for a transfer bonus of £10m or by any other communication for £5m.
Gathered in The Enterprise in Holborn on Friday evening, managers will fill the gaps in their teams at auction.
Kenna HQ has since brought in heavier penalties to discourage against tactical Brambling.
New regulations have not stopped the Olisdebe auction becoming known as the graveyard of the Kenna’s spirit.
The FCT manager has continued to be marked by his ruthlessness towards the Kenna and his unscrupulousness interpreting league regulations.
Speaking to media this morning outside the club’s Itchyballs Park training facility, the FCT manager said: “First there was the dream, now the reality. Here in the untainted cradle of the heavens will be created a new super race, a race of perfect physical specimens.”
RAZVAN Rat is one of eleven players likely to be jettisoned by his club tomorrow as Kenna League managers prepare for this Friday’s transfer window.
The Romanian defender was signed by Dynamo Charlton in August for £3m, but will surely be given the heave ho having been told to scurry away from the Premier League last week.
Another disappointed rat will be the Dulwich Red Sox manager, who sees his £24m striker Dimitar Berbatov slouch off to the French Riviera.
The Still Don’t Know Yet manager was also given plenty more to complain about as the £20m pair of Yohan Cabaye and Danny Graham went their separate ways.
Floundering at 16th in the Kenna table, the under-pressure manager is the subject of an investigation from the league’s manager experiences department after being caught up in a vicious Twitter rant at the chairman.
Meanwhile, four managers find themselves Titus Bramble tied – they now have two players from the same Premier League club and must release one tomorrow.
FC Testiculadew will surely keep Juan Mata over Rafael, but three other managers find some pretty tough choices to make.
As well as a rat, or lack of a rat, problem, the Dynamo manager has the humdinger of picking between striker Peter Odemwingie and defender Erik Pieters, now both plying their trade in the potteries.
Anders Brievik lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager must choose between goalkeeper Allan McGregor or striker Nikica Jelavic. McGregor’s red card makes it likely the Croat will stay.
Bottom-of-the-table PSV Mornington, now being managed by a cardboard cut out of Pep Guardiola since the former boss was sacked just before Christmas, will probably keep regular starter Leroy ‘The Bouncer’ Fer over a crocked Jonas Gutierrez.
Dimitar Berbatov (£24m) – Dulwich Red Sox
Yohan Cabaye (£11), Danny Graham (£9m) – Still Don’t Know Yet
Bryan Ruiz (£14m) – KS West Green
Razvan Rat (£3m) – Dynamo Charlton
Philipe Senderos (£2m) – Pikey Scum
Danny Osvaldo (£1.5m) – Newington Green
FC Testiculadew – Juan Mata or Rafael
PSV Mornington – Jonas Gutierrez or Leroy Fer
Dynamo Charlton – Peter Odemwingie or Erik Pieters
Judean Peoples’ Front – Allan McGregor or Nikica Jelavic