In the showroom this Friday

Swiss Toni
Built like an Alp and ridged like a Toblerone: What forecourt sales patter will charm Kenna managers ahead of this Friday’s transfer window?

‘There’s never been a better time to change your car.’

A lifetime ago when the Kenna chairman prowled the forecourt of a provincial dealership of premium German cars, this was the mantra of the managing director.

He said the phrase so often one likely mechanic went as far as to suggest the MD uttered it to his wife ‘before slipping her one’.

There was much sniggering and raised eyebrows, but after a while the penny dropped. As an opening pitch it was cast iron. It could woo any customer.

Those just browsing were suddenly reminded their current car was losing value every day. Those seriously looking were gently spurred towards the dotted line. Those salivating over the garish demonstrator with all the knobs and buttons whole-heartedly agreed.

But there was an overriding reason this phrase worked so well: everyone turns up to a premium German car dealership in a car.

It seems obvious, but whether it’s another prestige motor, a mass market Volkswagen or a clapped out Ford Scorpio, everyone visiting a premium German car showroom has one thing in common: they’re thinking of an upgrade.

And many are dreamers. If they were shopping for a drive within their means and with hard science, they would be in a Kia garage.

And that’s why shiny foreign cars and are like shiny foreign footballers.

When it comes to those big-money signings, clubs are always looking for an upgrade. They want to say to their fans and to their rivals ‘look at us, we mean business, we’re up there with the best’.

Just like some pinstripe at the top of his game would rather turn up to that important meeting in a BMW 7-series rather than a Kia Ceed.

The Kenna League transfer window takes place this Friday night. Managers will gather in The Enterprise on Red Lion Street looking to inject some fresh football talent into their teams.

Over the last month a selection of shiny foreign imports have filtered into England’s top flight.

Who will Kenna managers go after? Who will fetch the most money at auction?

Of course, there’s no sure way of telling how successful a silky continental striker will be in the Kenna. Take Dani Osvaldo – a failure sure to be released by Newington Reds by Wednesday’s Kenna deadline.

So when it comes to the auction – three pints of strong lager on an empty stomach, the pressure of getting results by May – Kenna managers aren’t going for the Kia Ceed. They don’t care about fuel consumption or seven-year guarantees. They want a Beamer with all the trimmings, with ‘skin, wind and bark’.

Like a car showroom full of eager sales executives, the media is full of managers, new team mates and former teammates expounding the virtues of their latest delivery.

Now is the time that Kenna managers must choose between the flattery and the pad, because that hour of shooting from the hip in the pub on Friday night will define the rest of their season.

There’s never been a better time to change your car.


Konstantinos Mitroglu (Fulham): “Eric Cantona was a great, great player – one of the best, but Konstantinos is very strong. I remember watching Cantona on television and he was holding the ball up – that’s the type of player Konstantinos is.” Roy Carroll, former teammate at Olympiakos.

Marco Boriello (West Ham) – “It’s not too difficult to say what we want from Marco – that’s goals and Italian flair.” Sam Allardyce.

Luke De Jong (Newcastle) – ‘He’s a great character and a proven goalscorer who I know is very keen to replicate the prolific form he showed for FC Twente in the Eredivisie.’ Joe Kinnear.


Aiden McGeady (Everton) – “The first time I saw Aiden was in 2007 in an Old Firm game against Rangers. He was special. He was a match winner, playing with his socks down. I love a player who is as good in one-versus-one situations as Aiden.” Roberto Martinez.

Anotnio Nocerino (West Ham) – “Antonio is a link between defence and forward play that makes us more creative in possession and more resilient when we’re out of it.” Sam Allardyce.

Mohamed Salah (Chelsea) – “He reminds me of Robben, the way he plays going from the right wing but going inside left-footed. I hope he is going to be important for us.” Jose Mourinho.

Nemanja Matic (Chelsea) – “Nemanja’s a spider, stealing balls and the way he runs and moves.” Branislav Ivanovic.

Magnus Wolff Eikram (Cardiff) – “He’s a playmaker, a quarterback if you will, someone who likes to get on the ball and can see a pass.” Ole Gunnar Solskjaer.

Kim Kallstrom (Arsenal) – “We identified he would be injured for four to six weeks, so they will pay him for the first six weeks of his wages. There’s a possibility he will not play, but also a possibility he will score a vital winning goal.” Arsene Wenger.


Kurt Zouma (Chelsea) – “He’s a player with big potential, physically ready. One thing is to be physically ready, another thing is to be tactically ready. Well done Chelsea.” Jose Mourinho.

Marcos Alonso (Sunderland) – “I watch a lot of Spanish football and I saw him play for Real Madrid. When he joined Bolton, it surprised me.” Gus Poyet.


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Author: The chairman

Ascended to the chairmanship of the Jeff Kenna League Fantasy Football League in 2007 after co-founded the league in London in August 2005.