Kenna cellar soundproofed

Cellar soundproofed
The Fritzl Suite: The chairman at work beneath league HQ

THE cellar at Kenna HQ is being soundproofed ‘for footballing reasons’, it was claimed today.

The league chairman was forced to comment after leaked photos emerged of him insulating a confined, windowless crawlspace believed to lie directly underneath the boardroom of London’s leading pub-based fantasy football league.

Despite the appearance of something more sinister, the chairman was adamant the only motive was to reduce managers’ subscription costs by saving on Kenna HQ energy bills.

The groans having receded after it was pointed out there was already enough hot air in league committee meetings, sceptics were quick condemn the photos as further proof of the Kenna executive’s increasingly hard line measures.

Many believe the Kenna’s manager experiences department, a secretive arm of league apparatus responsible for policing members, is behind the move.

In August 2012, the manager experiences department were believed to be behind the abduction of defender James Collins from his team hotel. The incident led to one manager slamming the Kenna as ‘out of touch blazers’.

Faced with these latest allegations, the chairman maintained the league’s motives were honest.

“I know from the photos it looks like we’re building some sort of Fritzl Suite to help silence dissent from agitators, but that’s simply not the case. As an organisation committed to sustainability we’re simply making our HQ building more energy efficient.

“At the heart of everything we do is making the Kenna the ultimate fantasy, and these renovations are part of that fantasy,” he said over the muffled cries of Titus Bramble.

Cup fixtures announced

The first round of knockout games in the Canesten Combi Cup will take place this weekend.

A total of 16 teams made it out of the group stages in January. They will be drawn in head-to-head ties on tomorrow’s 1750 from Birmingham New Street to Euston.

“It’s the first time the last 16 draw will be made on a moving train, but I must assure managers that we will not be holding back on the traditional glamour associated with the Canesten,” said the chairman, charging up his briefcase with a couple of Jackie Chans.

In the pot

Group A – Judean Peoples’ Front, KS West Green, This is Sparta…Prague, Team Panda Rules OK

Group B – FC Testiculadew, Rapids De Cullons CF, Dynamo Charlton, St Reatham FC

Group C – Headless Chickens, Northern Monkeys, Spartak Mogadishu, Newington Reds

Group D – Hairy Fadjeetas, PSV Mornington, Bala Rinas, Lokomotiv Leeds

Last 16

First leg – Tuesday 5 March

Second leg – Tuesday 18 March

Quarter finals

First leg – Tuesday 25 March

Second leg – Tuesday 1 April

Semi finals

First leg – Tuesday 15 April

Second leg – Tuesday 22 April


Tuesday 13 May

Kenna table

Kenna wk 25 - 26 February 2014
Kenna wk 25 – 26 February 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Pikey Scum Jack 43 3
2 St. Reatham FC Mike 39 3
3 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 35 2
4 Just put Carles Carles 35 2
5 FC Testiculadew James N 34 1
6 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 33 1
7 Newington Reds Dudley 32 1
8 Young Boys Denney 28 0
9 Northern Monkeys Hugo 27 0
10 Team Panda Rules OK George 26 2
11 Piedmonte Phil 26 0
12 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 24 1
13 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 22 2
14 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 22 1
15 Headless Chickens John N 21 1
16 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 20 0
17 Bala Rinas Lewis 19 0
18 Dynamo Charlton Alex 18 0
19 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 15 1
20 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 15 0
21 PSV Mornington El Pons 14 0
22 KS West Green Stix 8 0
23 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 5 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Giroud, O – ARS – STR
Club Team Panda Rules OK
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Author: The chairman

Ascended to the chairmanship of the Jeff Kenna League Fantasy Football League in 2007 after co-founded the league in London in August 2005.