A SOMALI, a Jew, two Catalans, three Welshmen and nine blokes who once considered it their capital city walk into a London pub.
It’s not the start of an inappropriate joke, but what happened last Friday night when Kenna League managers gathered for the season’s second transfer window.
Over three hours in the busy bar of The Enterprise in Holborn, nearly 40 football players went under the hammer as managers shouted above the din of brisk trade.
For those that turned out there was plenty to whet the appetite.
Sporting Lesbian laid £15m on Wilfred Zaha, the most expensive player of the evening.
Bala Rinas, in the mix for a first league title, splashed just £1m less on the formerly unfashionable Marouane Chamakh, and were immediately rewarded with a goal this week.
Despite grumblings afterwards about connectivity, the Headless Chickens manager was able to Whatsapp in from an Austrian skiing chalet to scoop Kostantinos Mitroglu for £14m, and keep the team’s title hopes alive.
At the other end of the table, Young Boys were ringing the changes in a bid to escape relegation. Among seven new players was another £14m signing of the evening in the shape of Emmanuel Adebayor.
It was a typically haphazard night for fellow relegation strugglers Spartak Mogadishu.
Much to everyone’s amusement, the Pirates manager signed Danny Graham in earnest, but then realised the striker was ineligible to score points while languishing on the banks of the River Tees.
Graham was quickly tossed overboard under the new wildcard ruling, which allows any manager to dispense of one player at random during the window.
@jeffkennaleague as requested 😀 tricampeao included. Enjoy the premium lager pic.twitter.com/GqRJpyGcHA
— Carles Duz Palau (@cduzpalau) February 7, 2014
As an intermediary battled the miserable London winter to make five signings for Just Put Carles, the manager tweeted a photo of himself on the beach in Antigua.
When the Catalan returns from the Caribbean imagine just how much colder and wetter the runway at Heathrow will be when he discovers his new striker is Shola Ameobi.
The concerning trend of absenteeism, so prevalent at – or not at – October’s window, gave way to new far more dangerous practice on Friday: presenteeism.
The former PSV Mornington manager turned up to the window, collected the Bramble Jersey for being bottom of the league and proceeded to make no signings all night. He preferred to consume pints and cigarettes at an alarming rate until midnight.
It just goes to show the pressure of propping up the Kenna table can never be underestimated.
With the window closing at around 10.30pm to end transfer business for the season, managers were left to open the envelopes containing the mystery forfeit Titus Bramble players.
Made up of some of the most high-profile deviants of the last 20 years, the inappropriate jokes could finally begin.
Kenna table
Weekly scores
| Manager | Points | Goals | ||
| 1 | Judean Peoples Front | Sholto | 49 | 3 |
| 2 | St. Reatham FC | Mike | 40 | 3 |
| 3 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 40 | 2 |
| 4 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 38 | 2 |
| 5 | Piedmonte | Phil | 36 | 2 |
| 6 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 34 | 2 |
| 7 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 32 | 2 |
| 8 | FC Testiculadew | James N | 31 | 0 |
| 9 | KS West Green | Stix | 31 | 0 |
| 10 | Young Boys | Denney | 30 | 1 |
| 11 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 25 | 3 |
| 12 | Just put Carles | Carles | 25 | 0 |
| 13 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 24 | 0 |
| 14 | Rapids De Cullons CF | Jorge | 23 | 2 |
| 15 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 22 | 1 |
| 16 | This is Sparta…Prague | Rich | 22 | 0 |
| 17 | Dulwich Red Sox | Luke | 21 | 2 |
| 18 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 19 | 0 |
| 19 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 16 | 1 |
| 20 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 14 | 0 |
| 21 | Headless Chickens | John N | 11 | 0 |
| 22 | Team Panda Rules OK | George | 11 | 0 |
| 23 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 7 | 0 |
| Points | Player | |||
| Player of the week | 17 | Hazard, E – CHE – MID | ||
| Club | Hairy Fadjeetas |
