League elite enjoy ‘Oscar’s night’

Andre Schurrle
Rhineland cowboy: An Andre Schurrle hat-trick doubled his goal tally for the season (photo courtesy of dominickwinter)

CALLS for an official inquiry have been heard around the Kenna after teams led by two high-ranking league officials registered resounding cup victories in what was otherwise a quiet week for goals.

In the first leg of the Canesten Combi Cup last 16 fixtures, KS West Green and Bala Rinas – managed by the Kenna chairman and treasurer respectively – both scored four shots on target, or ‘got an Oscar’s night‘, as it has recently become known.

A hat-trick for Andre Schurrle and a rare Curtis Davies strike secured a vital away win for the chairman’s side over Judean Peoples’ Front, whose manager is best known for looking like Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik.

Johnny Heitinga, Romelu Lukaku and a brace from Moussa Sissoko saw Bala Rinas cruise to victory over a lacklustre Team Panda Rules OK performance.

No doubt spurred on by either ongoing events in Ukraine, a faction led by the Young Boys of Vauxhall manager has questioned the integrity of the league and called for a full investigation.

The Young Boys manager, who two days ago attacked the league for being anti-Welsh, even called for a boycott of the new improved cup wall chart, released today.

“You see this? I wouldn’t wash my car with this! And not only because it’s a piece of paper,” he fumed at his chamois.

The Chairman’s response was uncharacteristic, but made clear upon watching the YouTube video below. He said: “Yo, you want fantasy football? I got fantasy football. I got the best fantasy football.

“This area’s dry, man. You know that. I know that. Ain’t nobody arranging fantasy football but me.

“I got auctions, I got transfer windows, I got pub crawls. I’ve got the finest cup competition this area has seen in years. You need me and I need you. Let’s make this work.

“You buy entry to the league, you get entry to the cup totally free. Gratis.

“I got everything. Even a World Cup fantasy auction, baby.”

Canesten Combi Cup last 16 first leg results

Rapids De Cullons 1 – 0 Northern Monkeys

Dynamo Charlton 0 – 2 Newington Reds

St Reatham FC 0 – 0 Lokomotiv Leeds

Team Panda Rules OK 1 – 4 Bala Rinas

Judean Peoples’ Front 0 – 4 KS West Green

Headless Chickens 0 – 0 Spartak Mogadishu

FC Testiculadew 2 – 1 This is Sparta…Prague

PSV Mornington 0 – 1 Hairy Fadjeetas

Kenna table

Kenna week 26 - 4 March 2014
Kenna week 26 – 4 March 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 KS West Green Stix 33 4
2 Bala Rinas Lewis 29 4
3 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 29 1
4 Newington Reds Dudley 28 2
5 FC Testiculadew James N 25 2
6 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 25 0
7 Team Panda Rules OK George 25 0
8 Piedmonte Phil 23 1
9 Young Boys Denney 23 0
10 Just put Carles Carles 20 1
11 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 20 0
12 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 19 1
13 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 19 0
14 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 18 1
15 Dynamo Charlton Alex 17 0
16 Pikey Scum Jack 15 0
17 PSV Mornington El Pons 14 0
18 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 13 0
19 Northern Monkeys Hugo 13 0
20 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 11 0
21 St. Reatham FC Mike 10 0
22 Headless Chickens John N 8 0
23 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 6 0
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Schurrle, A – CHE – MID
Club KS West Green
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Author: The chairman

Ascended to the chairmanship of the Jeff Kenna League Fantasy Football League in 2007 after co-founded the league in London in August 2005.