Kenna winner makes ceremony demands

Yaya Toure
Where the cake at? (photo: Angel Tapia)

YAYA Touré isn’t the only person in football this week to make demands about how things should be presented to him.

A memo leaked from Kenna HQ has revealed the FC Testiculadew manager, whose side won the league and cup double this season, has made a series of requests about how he would like his prize giving ceremony to go, most of which were turned down by a cash-strapped league administration.

First of all the FCT manager, known around the Kenna as the Tactical Brambler, asked for a novelty cheque as he’d ‘never received one and it’d be a great photo opportunity for the league’.

The manager continued: “Regarding the trophy presentation, I’m a bit of a traditionalist when it comes to this, is there any way this can be done as the top of a flight of steps at the pub rather than on the ground floor on a small stage with confetti cannons?”

In turning down many of the FCT manager’s requests, league authorities were quick to point out the fiscal constraints placed upon them by failure of the Dulwich Red Sox manager to pay his £25 entry fee.

The official response said: “When contacted the FA were polite but reluctant to give the green light for a Wembley presentation, and a potential sponsorship deal with Mumm champagne also fell through when talks were at advanced stages.

“Added to that are financial difficulties at the Kenna HQ because one manager didn’t pay his subs.

“In short, the league can provide a pub staircase, handover ceremony and a two-litre bottle of White Lightening, but you’ll have to bring your own cheerleaders.

“We regret to inform you, however, that a novelty cheque is out of the question. The office printer is out of ink.”

The ceremony is due to take place ahead of the 2014 Emerson World Cup auction at a London pub next month.

The Dulwich Red Sox manager’s pecuniary disinclination has also led to a reduction in prize monies this season.

A Cockney chalkstripe from the Kenna HQ speculations department confirmed: “Manager of the Month awards, which were set at £12.50, have been reduced to an Ayrton.

“The Wenger Trophy has also been reduced from a pony to a Bobby Moore. Considering the Judean Peoples’ Front manager’s untimely visit to the Frank Zapper, that makes it the most expensive pony he’s ever had!” he quipped.

FC Testiculadew: £270
Kenna League champions: £150
Canesten Combi Cup winners: £100
Manager of the Month in January and April: £10 x2

Piedmonte: £85
Kenna League runners up: £75
Manager of the Month in November: £10

Bala Rinas: £50
Kenna League third place: £50

Judean Peoples’ Front: £20
Wenger Trophy (4th place): £20

Other Manager of the Month awards: £10 each
August: Sporting Lesbian
September: Headless Chickens
October: Hairy Fadjeetas
December: This is Sparta…Prague
February: Pikey Scum
March: Just Put Carles
May: Still Don’t Know Yet

Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart

Alan Hansen's coloured performance chart - Kenna League 2013/14
Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart – Kenna League 2013/14
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Author: The chairman

Ascended to the chairmanship of the Jeff Kenna League Fantasy Football League in 2007 after co-founded the league in London in August 2005.