A SHOCK bid of £1m has already been tendered for Luis Suarez ahead of next season’s Kenna League, despite the striker being banned from football for four months.
The chairman submitted the offer earlier today, convinced the Uruguayan would return to be top scorer next season. Fifa discounted the bid as ‘football related activity’ after a surprise inspection at Kenna HQ.
“We’ve learned from past World Cups that any Premier League player who emerges as the villain goes on to have an incredible season following the tournament. You just know with Suarez that he’ll come back from the ban all guns blazing,” said the chairman.
There is a modicum of evidence backing up the chairman’s wild claim. In the summer of 2006, Cristiano Ronaldo emerged from the World Cup branded ‘The Winker’ and proved so unpopular with Kenna managers he went for a snip at auction – just £22m.
Ronaldo went on to be top points scorer and helped FC Gun Show take their first Kenna title.
Aficionados will also remember Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard, who had so dramatically failed to ‘dovetail’ at that same tournament, were the second and third top scoring players that same season. It’s unlikely this fact will have any impact on the value of James Milner come August.
Back at the top of the game, Luis Suarez may have hogged the headlines in Brazil, but in the Emerson World Cup another controversial figure is stealing the show.
Not content with sparking the ‘tactical no show’ scandal of the auction two weeks ago, the Testiculadew Land manager shot to the top of the table on goal difference today after another assured performance from striker Leo Messi.
“He’s bloody top!” exclaimed the chairman, who was being unusually loquacious today. “This begs belief. He used to have to turn up to auctions to hand the rest the league their behinds on the pitch, but now he can do it remotely. No manager is safe while he’s around.”
Testiculadew Land share the same points total as FadjeetaCabana, whose midfielder Xhedran Shaqiri scored a hat-trick last night.
Previous leaders Fat Ladies drop to third place. The chairman’s side Copa Lallana were shuffled down to fourth.
Lokomotiv Leeds maintained seventh place, but with a strike partnership of Suarez and Gervinho an Emerson World Cup challenge looks all but over for them.
Points scoring is expected to slow down considerably once the final group games have finished tonight and many players return home.
Points and goals team by team available from The Rub.