Season preview in one sentence: With a 14th-place finish and a 17th-place finish under his belt, the manager knew that – for a third successive campaign – sticking to his auction strategy of blowing half the budget on Robin van Persie and the rest on a bunch of no hopers and bench warmers would be the last thing his competition would expect.
van Persie, R
First transfer window – Friday 17 October 2014
No transfers. Did not attend. Paying over the odds for drinks in discreet Lisbon bars.
Remaining budget (for the Kenna): £10.5m
Second transfer window – Saturday 7 February 2015
No transfers. Did not attend. Paying over the odds for drinks in discreet Singapore bars.
THE Kenna League treasurer finds his team at the top of the table for what is possibly the first time in a seven-year management career.
Goals from Marouane Chamakh and Aaron Ramsey, and a brace from Stefan Jovetic saw Bala Rinas fire to the summit of fantasy football in the second round of the season.
Asked if he could keep his side first for the remaining 37 weeks of the campaign, the treasurer consulted his big-buttoned calculator with a receipt roll at the top.
“The chances of Marouane Chamakh popping up with goal every week are…tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, bzzzzzzzzz…slim to none,” he concluded.
Despite a best-ever Kenna performance from Nacer Chadli, Just Put Carles prop up the table, although this is understandable considering the manager didn’t attend the auction and had his team randomly selected from a list of remaining players after 17 people had bought their players at auction.
What demands more explanation is the position of five managers who all find themselves beneath not one but two sides – Hoxton Pirates and FC Testiculadew – picked by the computer from auction scraps because they failed to attend the most well-run event in Kenna history.
Season preview in one sentence: How much 10th anniversary auction celebratory champagne must one drink before Victor Anichebe is considered a good signing?
Bertrand, R (TW1)
Jones, P (TW1)
Vergini, S (TW1)
Nasri, S (TW1)
Zaha, W (TW2)
Sakho, D (TW1)
Jelavic, N (TW1)
First transfer window – Friday 17 October 2014
Ryan Bertrand – defender, SOT – £3m
Phil Jones – defender, MUN – £0.5m
Vergini – defender, SUN – £0.5m
Samir Nasri – midfielder, MCY – £5m
Sakho, D – striker, WHU – £3m
Jelavic, N – striker, HUL – £5m
Out Curtis Davies – defender, HUL – £0m Jonny Evans – defender, MUN – £0m Steve Taylor – defender, NEW – £0m Besic, M – midfielder, EVE – £0m Anichebe, V – striker, WBA – £0m Negredo, A – striker, MCY – £0m
Ahead of the auction the Kenna League chairman made a short address to the 16 managers gathered above The Carpenter’s Arms near Marble Arch.
Traditionally consisting of flimsy and inappropriate jokes about the cultural origins of league members, this 10th anniversary’s Fozzie Bear performance made reference to the number 10 being linked to the average age children are radicalised in Somalia…after reading Treasure Island…as part of the school curriculum.
A classic auction photo. See how the additional challenge of rampant alcoholism has this manager consider tabling a bid for West Bromwich Albion reserve goalkeeper Boaz Myhill.
Managers arriving at Marble Arch tube station that day were greeted by a ‘Free Palestine’ demonstration, which most of them ignored. Except the Piedmonte manager, who turned up to the auction late carrying a placard.
Is this the last ever photo of the Bramble Jersey? The Wigan Athletic shirt thought to have been worn by the notorious defender were among the league effects to disappear after the auction when an errant taxi driver cheesed it.
The fate of Le Maillot Merde, the Bramble bell, auction hammer, Kenna HQ keys and pornographic playing cards are still at the mercy of the Transport for London lost property department.
This year’s auction took six hours, which is a test of stamina for any fantasy football manager. For the Fat Ladies boss, returning to the league after a few years, the event proved too much on liquid alone and he cracked.
Alexander the Great, on some ancient campaign, came across the Gordian Knot: a piece of rope so tangled that the greatest minds in the known world could not untie it. Alexander solved the problem by chopping through the knot with his sword.
Here the Judean Peoples’ Front manager talks a similar approach to a conundrum that has bugged the Kenna since the public smoking ban. How does a pub-based fantasy football auction that usually takes place in upstairs rooms allow managers to chuff on a tab and take part in proceedings?
The chairman thought long and hard about the how best to spend this sum and came up with master plan of half a case of champagne. For those looking to organise their own fantasy football auction, this worked well as managers were instantly talkative and engaged in proceedings.
One learning point for the future would be to not buy as much champagne, for after a couple of hours there was a definite lull. After that memories are sketchy.
Season preview in one sentence:Chamakh and Jovetic yet to perform to their heralded potential in the Kenna, so it looks like the treasurer will be relying on Cahill, Ramsey and Eriksen to better last season’s third place.