Young Boys of Vauxhall 2014/15

Denney
Far quenelle: The Young Boys manager

Manager: Denney (Wales)

Twitter name@andenney

Since: 2006

Last season: 16th

Trohpy cabinet: Champions 2010/11, Canesten Combi Cup winners 2008/09

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts music: We Don’t Talk Anymore – Sir Cliff Richard

Season preview in one sentence: Accomplished back five – should Don Vito get a starting berth – but flimsy going forward and unlikely to be able to do it on a cold, wet Tuesday night in Stoke.

Ospina, D (TW2) ARS  £                6.00
Baines, L EVE  £                5.00
Vertonghen, J (TW2) TOT  £              10.00
Kolarov, A MCY  £                5.00
Terry, J CHE  £             17.00
Moses, V (TW1) STO  £                0.50
Sigurdsson, G SWA  £             10.00
Elia, E (TW2) SOT  £                2.00
Boyd, G (TW2) BUR  £                0.50
Austin, C (TW1) QPR  £                0.50
Sturridge, D (TW2) LIV  £                0.50
     £                96m

First transfer window – Friday 17 October 2014

In
Richardson, K – defender, AVL – £5m
Moses, V – midfielder, STO – £0.5m
Tiote, C – midfielder, NEW – £0.5m
Austin, C – striker, QPR – £0.5m
Balotelli, M – striker, LIV – £1m

Out
Jones, P – defender, MUN – £0.5m
Markovic, L – midfielder, LIV – £0m
Hoilett, J – midfielder, QPR – £0m
Krkic, B – striker, STO – £0m
Riviere, E – striker, NEW – £0m

Remaining budget: £12m

Second transfer window – Saturday 7 February 2015

In
Ospina, D – goalkeeper, ARS – £6m
Vertonghen, J – defender, TOT – £10m
Elia, E – midfielder, SOT – £2m
Boyd, G – midfielder, BUR – £0.5m
Sturridge, D – striker, LIV – £2m

Out
Mannone, V – goalkeeper, SUN – £0m

Richardson, K – defender, AVL – £0.5m
Arteta, M – midfielder, ARS – £0m
Tiote, C – midfielder, NEW – £0m
Balotelli, M – striker, LIV – £0m

Remaining budget: £1m

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Lokomotiv Leeds 2014/15

Ben S profile pic
All over my face: The Lokomotiv Leeds manager

Manager: Ben S (Yorkshire)

Twitter name@BenCSilver

Since: 2011

Last season: 12th

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – runner up in 2011/12)

Sympathies: Leeds

Darts musicBicycle Race – Queen

Season preview in one sentence: Still struggling to follow up an impressive debut three years ago, emerges from the auction with some agricultural defending, hotchpotch midfield options and Ivorians up front: lottery.

Heaton, T BUR  £                0.50
Shawcross, R STO  £                2.00
Moreno, A (TW1) LIV  £               13.00
Cresswell, A (TW2) WHU  £                8.00
Gibbs, K ARS  £                2.00
Colback, J (TW2) NEW  £                6.00
Silva, D MCY  £             25.00
Livermore, J (TW1) HUL  £                0.50
Mane, S (TW1) SOT  £                0.50
Defoe, J (TW2) SUN  £             15.00
Naismith, S (TW1) EVE  £                5.00
     £             81.50m

First transfer window – Friday 17 October 2014

In
Moreno, A – defender, LIV – £13m
Livermore, J – midfielder, HUL – £0.50m
Mane, S – midfielder, SOT – £0.50
Naismith, S – striker, EVE – £5m

Out
Stones, J – defender, EVE – £0m
de Jong, S – midfielder, NEW – £0m
Nzonzi, S – midfielder, STO – £0m
Drogba, D – striker, CHE – £0m

Remaining budget: 9.5m

Second transfer window – Saturday 7 February 2015

In
Cresswell, A – defender, WHU – £8m
Colback, J – midfielder, NEW – £6m
Defoe, J – striker, SUN – £15m

Out
Vertonghen, J – defender, TOT – £10m
Herrera, A – midfielder, MUN – £0m
Bony, W – striker, MCY – £23m

Remaining budget: £23.5m

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Cowley Casuals 2014/15

Stu manager pic
Buckets of potential: The Cowley Casuals manager

Manager: Stu (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name@sfinch100

Since: 2012

Last season: Did not enter

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league finish – 17th in 2012/13)

Sympathies: Wolves

Darts music: Menergy – Patrick Cowley

Season preview in one sentence: Returning to the Kenna after a season off, the manager has assembled a competent side most likely to be undone by squad rotation.

Forster, F SOT  £                0.50
Caulker, S QPR  £                4.00
Lescott, J WBA  £                2.00
Jenkinson, C WHM  £                4.00
van Aanholt, P (TW1) SUN  £                5.00
Bolasie, Y CRY  £                2.00
Milner, J (TW1) MCY  £                0.50
Willian CHE  £                8.00
di Maria, A (TW1) MUN  £               20.00
Lukaku, R EVE  £             10.00
Ulloa, L (TW1) LEI  £                9.00
     £             65.00m

First transfer window – Friday 17 October 2014

In 
van Aanholt, P – defender, SUN – £5m
Milner, J – midfielder, MCY – £0.5m
di Maria, A – midfielder, MUN – £20m
Ulloa, L – striker, LEI – £9m

Out
Naughton, K – defender, TOT – £0m
Coutinho, P – midfielder, LIV – £7m
Ince, T – midfielder, HUL – £0m
Ings, D – striker, BUR – £0m

Remaining budget: £13.5m

Second transfer window – Saturday 7 February 2015

No transfers.

Remaining budget: £13.5m

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Hairy Fadjeetas 2014/15

Aiden
Wheeler dealer: The Hairy Fadjeetas manager

Manager: Aiden (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Last season: 13th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – 9th in 2012/13)

Sympathies: Sheffield Wednesday

Darts musicThe Vag1na Song

Season preview in one sentence: Creativity in midfield, but severely limited striking options and the Scottish Cafu in defence will leave title challenge hopes stranded in the bush.

Mignolet, S LIV  £                6.00
Taylor, N SWA  £                0.50
Mangala, E MCY  £                0.50
Rosenior, L HUL  £                0.50
Hutton, A AVL  £                0.50
Barkley, R EVE  £             10.00
Oxlade-Chamberlain, A ARS  £             10.00
Hazard, E CHE  £             23.00
Amalfitano, M (TW2) WHU  £               0.50
Falcao, R (TW1) MUN  £               9.00
Cisse, P (TW1) NEW  £                8.00
     £             68.00m

First transfer window – Friday 17 October 2014

In
Falcao – striker, MUN – £9m
Papiss Cisse – striker, NEW – £8m

Out
Murray, G – striker, CRY – £0m
Nugent, D – striker, LEI – £0m

Remaining budget: £25m

Second transfer window – Saturday 7 February 2015

In
Amalfitano, M – midfielder, WHU – £0.5m

Out
Rodwell, J – midfielder, SUN – £0m

Remaining budget: £34.5m

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Life’s a beach for St Reatham FC manager, but team left in limbo

St Reatham FC manager in the pool
Sink or swim: The St Reatham FC gaffer’s hands off management approach has come under fire

PLAYERS and fans of St Reatham FC have been left stunned following news that the team boss has jetted away for a luxury break, just days before the Kenna League football season gets under way.

In what is being described as a ‘typical, career-defining PR gaffe’, the St Reatham manager has spent the past few days on the Amalfi coast, posting pictures on Facebook and enjoying the once-popular ‘poke’ function rather than concentrating on important on-field issues.

It’s understood that tactics for the coming campaign have yet to be discussed and training sessions have been cancelled.

Away from the pitch a team vigil at Chobham Common to mark the tragic, and yet unsolved, murder of Sky Sports New presenter Natalie Sawyer at the site has been rescheduled.

This latest blunder follows bizarre claims that he preferred to join Saturday’s Kenna auction via video link from Switzerland because “it’s more befitting for a man of my status.”

In a statement released by the PR machine he co-owns, he said simply: “I’ve got Mata.”

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Case of the ‘missing’ strike force leaves Bikini Lane boss hanging by short and curlies

David Nugent
Out of his depth: David Nugent floundered during his previous spell in the Kenna (photo: Liverpool Pics)

ANGRY fans have turned on the Hairy Fadjeetas boss before a ball has even been kicked in this season’s Kenna campaign.

Within hours of an auction ‘shambles’ that saw the Fadjeetas commit just £68 million of a £100 million transfer kitty, serious questions are being asked at Bikini Lane.

Particular venom has been reserved for the outfit’s new strike partnership of Glenn Murray and David Nugent.

Murray is unproven at the highest level in English football, while Nugent proved awful during his last stint in Kenna in 2007.

Cunny Lingus, general secretary of the Fans of Fadge supporter’s group, said: “There’s a real sense of frustration with the club after a rather insipid auction performance – particularly as we don’t have a strike force. Talk about cows’ arses and banjos, it’s a shambles.”

But hitting back on social media the Fadjeetas chief was quick to defend his tactics. “Goals and creativity in midfield,” he tweeted. “Hazard, The Ox, Rodwell and Barkley.” And in a not-so-veiled reference to last season’s lack of cutting edge: “Murray and Nugent better than Soldado and Hernandez.”

The City’s money men have also leapt to defend the tightening of purse strings with a source declaring: “He’s got Hazard for £23 million, that’s the cheapest he’s ever signed for and a real bargain. And there’s surely more goals up front than last year at a fraction of the cost.”

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Appeal launched after cabby drives off with the Kenna

Kenna auction August 2014
Hammered: The gavel seen in this picture went missing hours later, along with other auction paraphernalia

KENNA HQ has put out an urgent lost property alert across London after a black taxi disappeared with items essential to the league on Saturday night.

The Bramble Jersey, auction hammer and literally the keys to Kenna HQ among the effects lost following an unusual chain of events on Regent Street at around 11pm.

The chairman and two Kenna managers were making their way from the pre-season fantasy football auction at The Carpenter’s Arms in Marylebone to meet other league members for a debrief at the Empire Casino in Leicester Square.

Disembarking from a London black taxi to retrieve fare payment from a cash machine, the chairman’s party were stunned to find upon return that the cabbie had ‘done one’.

The joy of realising they had skipped a £15 fare was soon overtaken by anxiety when the chairman revealed all the Kenna auction equipment was still in the taxi.

“It was most singular,” the chairman told the Transport for London lost property office this morning. “There was a black bag containing an old HP laptop, a Wigan Athletic Titus Bramble shirt and the keys to Kenna HQ, as well as a wooden wine box holding an Alpine cow bell, a bicycle horn and two decks of pornographic playing cards.

“Aside from the playing cards, these items are of little value to anyone but absolutely essential to the smooth running of the Kenna League auction.”

The incident marred what had otherwise been a great day in celebration of the Kenna’s 10th anniversary auction.

A total of 17 managers battled through a Free Palestine rally to take part in proceedings in the upstairs room of a most welcoming pub The Carpenter’s Arms, with one manager linked live via Skype from Switzerland.

Managers toasted the future success of the league with champagne donated by the FC Testiculadew manager using the winnings from his recent Emerson World Cup win, before the auction started just after 3pm.

For the first time in years, no manager fell foul of the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling, although the Greendale Rockets boss came close after being caught in a bid for a second Chelsea player.

All eyes now turn to the coming Saturday, where managers will find out just how ill-judged their auction purchases were.

Final teams will be published over the coming days.

The chairman issued a message to the hasty cabby: “Thanks for the free ride but please hand in these items to the proper authorities immediately, if you haven’t already done so.

“Keep a few of the playing cards for your own delectation if desired, we don’t use these for the auction any more.”

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How to run a fantasy football auction

"To Emmanuel!"
Well informed, well oiled: Every manager needs just a player list and a drink for an auction (from the Emmanuel Olisadebe 2012 Euros auction)

AUGUST is here, which for sports fans both sides of the Atlantic Ocean means it’s time to start preparing for the fantasy football season.

Whether it’s English Premier League, National Football League, association football, American football, soccer, footy or gridiron, the auction – or auction draft as our cousins across the Pond call it – is by far the best way for your league to pick teams – or rosters.

This Saturday (9 August) the Kenna League will hold it’s 10th anniversary auction. Since 2005 the Kenna has held nine Premier League, three World Cup and two Euros auctions, along the way looking to improve the overall experience of what can be a gruelling test for managers, but an even bigger one for organisers.

As more and more fantasy football disciples discover this ultimate format of selecting a team, it seems an ideal time to share our top 10 tips for running a fantasy football auction which will hopefully prove useful whether you’re a dilettante commissioner or veteran chairman.

1. Choose a good venue

Carpenters Arms
Cornerstone: On Saturday the Carpenter’s Arms will become the 17th London pub to host a Kenna event (photo: Bob Walker)

Atmosphere is everything. An environment where managers can focus on the auction for a few hours without distraction is the key. Avoid online auctions at all costs, you want to see the pain on the opposition’s face when they lose out on a target.

Only cricket’s Indian Premier League can shell out to hire an exclusive hotel’s conference room for an auction (and they look dull anyway). YouTube evidence suggests our American cousins find a cheaper option to be someone’s house or garage, but the Kenna League is based in London, a city where flats are small and only Russian oligarchs or Arabian oil sheikhs can afford covered parking.

For the Kenna League there is only one place for an auction, and that’s where the league was born: the pub. Central London has thousands of boozers with function rooms that do just the job, providing a convenient travelling distance for managers across the capital and, crucially, easy access to a licensed bar.

Alcohol is a must. All the better if manager’s can order drinks at the bar while participating in a bid. Shots bring an added dimension and can lead to controversy, but if there’s one thing football supporters love it’s controversy.

2. Set an appropriate budget

Pony
A pony: Kenna League entry is £25 (photo: Deep Frozen Shutterbug)

Compared to our American counterparts, who appear to set limits up to $200 (£118) for each team, the Kenna is the poor relation. League entry cost just £25 ($42). For some reason in English slang this monetary value is known as ‘a pony’.

Uncle Sam may dismiss this value as trifling, but the advantage of a lower cost is that managers are more likely to enjoy the auction, rather than see it as some sort of medium-term investment opportunity. If you want a meeting with your bank manager about risk averse investment, he’ll tell you to stay away from football. Do yourself a favour and stay away from fantasy football auctions too.

For the Kenna entry fee of a pony, managers receive as assumed £100m budget to buy 11 players, which is more in keeping with the prices footballers fetch in real life.

Those still dismissing the paltry entrance fee must also consider that during the Emerson World Cup auction in June, 16 managers racked up a bar bill of £500 ($845).

3. Set one formation and a player quota

Tactics whiteboard
Blank canvas: Each Kenna manager must adhere to the classic, some-might-say out-dated 4-4-2 formation (photo: Alex Hempworth-Smith)

Every manager should be aware from the outset of what formation of players they need to complete their team. In the US, it can be the 2RB-3WR system with it’s quota of quarterbacks, running backs, wide receivers, tight ends etc.

For the Kenna it’s the classic 4-4-2: one goalkeeper, four defenders, four midfielders and two strikers. Ideally, the ratio should tally with the number of players in that position on the player list.

The Kenna has found an entertaining recipe for an auction to be the one-player-per-club quota, so managers may only have one player from Chelsea, one from Manchester United etc. It means competitors must think hard about who they want from each Premier League club, which can make life extremely difficult (see ‘7. Forfeits’ below).

4. Assign roles and rotate them

Aucitoneer
Entertainer: The auctioneer must add to the atmosphere (photo: peculiarhand)

The Kenna is lucky enough to have a professional auctioneer in its ranks, but even he could not keep the pace needed to host an engaging commentary for five hours. He also looks like Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik, which some people find unsettling when forced to see him for prolonged periods.

Pick anything from three semi-competent managers to take it in turns with the hammer. Likewise, select three or more managers to take it in turns recording sales on a central list or spreadsheet. Rotation means managers will be more engaged in proceedings.

5. Robust admin

Spreadsheet mug
Mugged off: Auction organisers not properly recording sales could find themselves facing difficult questions later the evening (photo: Craig Chew-Moulding)

Our American counterparts appear to prefer projectors or large flip charts to share sales with the room. While efficient in someone’s house or garage, it can be difficult managing these items in the pub.

The Kenna is fortunate enough to have the chaps in charts and graphs. They’ve created an Excel spreadsheet to record signings, flag up if a manager has exceeded their budget or player quota and automatically generate a list of completed sales.

Make sure you’re auction has a steadfast method of chronicling events. It’ll come in handy for those ‘I only paid this much for him’ arguments late in the evening.

6. Auction pace

Bingo caller
Quick and easy: A bingo-style player draw is the fastest way to pick lots at an auction (photo: CT Young)

Attention levels must be maintained by running the auction at a brisk speed. Meandering bids and long gaps between lots are dull for everyone. Aim for around 45 players per hour. If you can get through one lot a minute you can reward the league with a cigarette break.

The pace can be sped up by introducing a random player draw instead of the tedious process of managers taking it in turns to pick a player. This Saturday the Kenna auction will see around 270 players go under the hammer. The 200 most desirable Premier League players will be drawn from a hat, meaning all managers will find the next player to be drawn of interest.

7. Forfeits

Titus Bramble and Sunderland mascot
Shaking hands with a muppet: A good forfeit process will ensure those not bringing their A game get snared (photo: Alex Connock)

The Kenna League is too old and wily to believe that any manager bought an ineligible player by accident, particularly after one manager’s unchivalrous behaviour two years ago. Whether it’s too many players in one position or too many from one club, introduce a forfeit system to punish those either cheating or not paying full attention.

The Kenna introduced the Titus Bramble ruling as a forfeit system. Any manager caught transgressing the rules will immediately have the ineligible player removed and replaced with a bogey player from the Titus Bramble squad – a pre-selected list of footballers of questionable quality.

It would be interesting to hear from our American counterparts who they consider to be the Titus Bramble of their league.

8. Auction paraphernalia

Bramble jersey handover 1Feb13 anon
Le Maillot Merde: Three times a year the Bramble Jersey is handed to the manager at the bottom of the table.

A printed player list and a pen are all each manager needs to take part. If everyone’s sitting around with their own laptop for six hours casually browsing the internet then all atmosphere is lost and you may as well be at a miserable great uncle’s wake.

Other items the Kenna has found contribute to surroundings include:

  • The Bramble Bell – an Alpine cow bell stolen from a bar in a French ski resort which is rung whenever administrators spot a Titus Bramble forfeit
  • The Horn of Africa – a bicycle horn squeezed when a sale is considered to be of poor value or a manager behaves inappropriately, named after The Horn of Africa manager’s decision to resign mid-auction when things didn’t quite go his way
  • The Bramble Jersey – a Wigan Athletic shirt allegedly worn by Titus himself which must be put on by the manager in last place in the rankings table at any league gathering.

9. Time limit

Bar billiards
Bar billiards: Like the traditional pub game, this year the Kenna auction will have a time limit (photo: Matthew Armendariz)

If you organise an auction after work on a weeknight there’s always a risk the pub will shut before everyone’s had a chance to fill their teams.

If you organise an auction on a Saturday afternoon there’s always a risk some manager’s wife will book theatre tickets for the evening because many ladies, erroneously, consider Lion King On Ice more important than a fantasy football league.

Either way, you can be left in the ball ache of a position of having to retrospectively fill teams by email.

This Saturday the Kenna is looking to combat this administrator’s nightmare by introducing a time limit. The chaps in charts and graphs have come up with an ingenious spreadsheet that will automatically allocate remaining players based on desirability and managers’ remaining budgets.

If you don’t want to find yourself sending out lists of available players while nursing an auction night hangover, it’s suggested you find a similar solution.

10. Transfer windows

Transfer night in The Enterprise
Serious business: Kenna managers gathered in The Enterprise in Holborn for last season’s February transfer window.

The Kenna meets twice during the Premier League season (early October and early February) for transfer windows. At these events managers sell their unwanted players at auction, and buy available players at auction.

Spice things up a bit by getting managers to submit their players two days beforehand in unusual ways by offering them bonuses for doing so. In the Kenna, the traditional method of sending in transfers by fax or mail attract the largest bonus. Avoid professional couriers, as some managers can just get these on their work accounts.

Conclusion

These are just a few pointers picked up in pursuit of hosting a great auction. We hope you found these tips useful, or at least enjoyed reading them.

Remember the most essential item in putting on the perfect auction is atmosphere. Picture the scene: it’s two hours in, everyone’s had a couple of drinks, teams are filling up, the mockery is flying, bids are flying, managers are starting to forfeit themselves, bells are ringing and one poor sod is sweating into a polyester football shirt.

In the Kenna that golden time is known as ‘The Bramble Hour’. Find it and managers will come flocking back to your league again and again.

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