Hairy Fadjeetas manager vows to tackle rough

Gorilla salad
Gorilla salad: Hairy Fadjeetas have looked ugly up front this season (photo: Elizabeth Halsam)

The Hairy Fadjeetas manager has claimed a ‘striker conspiracy’ is the reason for his side’s poor form.

Having reached the heady heights of fourth place in the third week of the season, Fadges lost form and dropped down the table a little each week since. They now find themselves struggling in 11th place.

Striker problems have characterised the side’s performances. The hopeless partnership of Glenn Murray and David Nugent scored but one goal between them in the first seven competitive weeks.

At October’s transfer window the manager’s only business was to discard the pair in favour of Radamel Falcao and Papiss Cisse, which everyone except the Senegalese viewed as a bit of a gamble. According to official league records both forwards are yet to register a goal.

Fadges have relied on goals from midfield. Eden Hazard is their top scorer.

Through his rolled-down car window outside the club’s Bikini Lane ground the Fadges boss said to journalists this morning: “There’s a striker conspiracy and I won’t rest until I’ve found the missing goals.

“My message to the many fans of Hairy Fadjeetas is: the only way is up. To experience the smooth we sometimes have to the tackle the rough, and that’s what everyone at this club is hell bent on achieving. Tackling the rough.”

Kenna HQ has dismissed the manager’s comments as sour grapes. A smug chairman said: “This is the first we’ve heard of any ‘missing goals’. We would suggest the only thing Hairy Fadjeetas are missing is a decent manager. And some Canesten Com….oh, shit a brick! I’ve forgotten to arrange the cup draw. Interview terminated. No, naff off. Somebody open up the Kenna HQ situation room. Get those little bits of torn up paper. Where’s my drink?”

Kenna table

Kenna week 12 - 25 November 2014
Kenna week 12 – 25 November 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Bala Rinas Lewis 42 3
2 Cowley Casuals Stu 33 1
3 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 31 2
4 Just Put Carles Carles 26 1
5 Pikey Scum Jack 25 2
6 Dynamo Charlton Alex 24 2
7 Fat Ladies Ted 24 0
8 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 23 0
9 Headless Chickens John N 23 0
10 Piedmonte Phil 22 0
11 Judean People’s Front Sholto 22 0
12 Team Panda Rules OK George 20 1
13 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 19 2
14 KS West Green Stix 19 0
15 St Reatham FC Mike 18 1
16 Young Boys Denney 17 0
17 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 16 1
18 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 16 1
19 FC Tescticuladew James N 12 0
20 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 9 0
Points Player
Player of the week 11 Ings, D – BUR – STR
Club Unsigned
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Fat losers

RETURN to the top flight of fantasy football has been a chastening experience for the Fat Ladies manager.

Crowned Kenna League champions in 2008, their first full season back after a three-year absence has left the Fat Ladies crying into their family-sized buckets of Hagen Daas watching Bridget Jones after a calamitous campaign where they have only managed one goal between them in 11 competitive weeks.

Daniel Sturridge, the manager’s £35m star signing, provided that solitary strike in the first week of proceedings before he succumbed to injury a fortnight later.

The manager has failed to coax even mediocrity out of his band of misfits since, and he finds his side bottom of the Kenna, trailing three managers who didn’t even attend the August auction.

Instead of the springboard to turn around the Fat Ladies’ misfortunes, October’s transfer window only compounded issues on the pitch.

Inexplicably, the manager failed to jettison Qatar-based training ground agitant Chico Flores, opting to wave goodbye to regular starter Fabrizio Coloccini from defence along with unfavoured Vlad Chiriches. In their place perennial Kenna desperation signing Phillipe Senderos arrived beside Central American dice throw Christian Gamboa.

In midfield, the decision was taken to swap Antonio Valencia for Ashley Young, essentially replacing one flakey black minority ethnic Manchester United winger with another. Events on the pitch have done nothing to allay criticism this was little more than an HR tick box exercise.

Nevertheless, it’s up front where the manager suffered his biggest howler. Christian Benteke looked a good August investment for £8m. Laid low with injury for a few weeks, he would surely burst into goalscoring form upon return.

Whether it was the unusually mild mid-October evening, the premium lager or the Hoxton Pirates manager threatening proceedings with a cutlass, somehow the Fat Ladies boss contrived to forfeit the Belgian goal machine under the Titus Bramble ruling. It was unlikely to be Danny Graham’s big comeback.

All of which means the Fat Ladies manager finds himself 11 points ahead and two goals behind the PSV Mornington’s efforts at the same point last season. The Catalan was sacked by Christmas.

So complete is the inadequacy permeating Fat Ladies Football Club that instead of half-and-half shirts and selfie sticks Asian supporters have begun to arrive at home games wearing surgical masks for fear it’s contagious.

And therein lies one ray of sunshine in the Fat Ladies manager’s whole sorry snafu: at least some cries of terrace dissent will be muffled.

Kenna table

Kenna table week 11 - 11 November 2014
Kenna table week 11 – 11 November 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Young Boys Denney 32 3
2 Bala Rinas Lewis 32 1
3 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 31 1
4 FC Tescticuladew James N 31 1
5 KS West Green Stix 30 4
6 Dynamo Charlton Alex 26 1
7 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 26 0
8 Cowley Casuals Stu 26 0
9 Just Put Carles Carles 21 1
10 St Reatham FC Mike 20 1
11 Headless Chickens John N 19 0
12 Pikey Scum Jack 18 1
13 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 18 0
14 Piedmonte Phil 17 0
15 Judean People’s Front Sholto 15 0
16 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 15 0
17 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 13 0
18 Fat Ladies Ted 12 0
19 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 10 0
20 Team Panda Rules OK George 9 0
Points Player
Player of the week 12 Aguero, S – MCY – STR
Club KS West Green
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Jutting ahead

Wan Chai at night
High rise: The imperious form of Alexis Sanchez, Graziano Pelle and Raheem Sterling have put Sporting Lesbian top of the league (photo: Cokedragon)

SIGNING Ahmed Elmohamady at a transfer window can only mean a Kenna manager has run out of one of two things: money or ideas.

The Egyptian winger rarely finds the net but his regular starting berth and intermittent assists can make him the panic buy of choice late in the evening when the pints have ceased to taste.

For the Sporting Lesbian manager the transfer night acquisitions of Elmohamady and Nathan Dyer may have stunted a promising follow up to his 2013 championship, but like that season a South American strikeforce continue to carry the can the club.

While Elmohamady has plodded through the last three weeks for Lesbians exactly like he’s plodded through English football for the last four years, Graziano Pelle and Alexis Sanchez have exploded all over the Kenna campaign just like Sergio Aguero and Luis Suarez did for the Lesbians two years ago.

Fast, ruthless and squat, Sanchez (60 points) in particular looks like he was made for a wet Tuesday night in Stoke. Only Pelle has done more (61 points) to put Lesbians top of the league.

In response, the Bala Rinas manager’s decision not to tinker with his side at the window appears to have backfired.

Like Elmohamady, Bala striker Marouane Chamakh has managed but one assist since the window, and although it came last night it was not enough to stop Sporting Lesbian easing away from the pack.

The rotting corpses of two sex workers, a murder weapon found on the crime scene and a lead suspect calling himself in to authorities meant only the Hong Kong police had an easier time of it this weekend.

Kenna table

Kenna week 10 - 4 November 2014
Kenna week 10 – 4 November 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 36 2
2 St Reatham FC Mike 36 2
3 KS West Green Stix 36 2
4 Cowley Casuals Stu 31 0
5 Piedmonte Phil 29 1
6 Young Boys Denney 27 2
7 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 27 0
8 Pikey Scum Jack 27 0
9 Headless Chickens John N 25 0
10 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 21 1
11 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 21 1
12 Dynamo Charlton Alex 21 0
13 Team Panda Rules OK George 21 0
14 Judean People’s Front Sholto 19 1
15 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 19 0
16 Bala Rinas Lewis 16 0
17 FC Tescticuladew James N 15 0
18 Just Put Carles Carles 13 1
19 Fat Ladies Ted 13 0
20 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 7 0
Points Player
Player of the week 14 Chambers, C – ARS – DEF
Club KS West Green
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