Fat losers

Asians surgical masks

RETURN to the top flight of fantasy football has been a chastening experience for the Fat Ladies manager.

Crowned Kenna League champions in 2008, their first full season back after a three-year absence has left the Fat Ladies crying into their family-sized buckets of Hagen Daas watching Bridget Jones after a calamitous campaign where they have only managed one goal between them in 11 competitive weeks.

Daniel Sturridge, the manager’s £35m star signing, provided that solitary strike in the first week of proceedings before he succumbed to injury a fortnight later.

The manager has failed to coax even mediocrity out of his band of misfits since, and he finds his side bottom of the Kenna, trailing three managers who didn’t even attend the August auction.

Instead of the springboard to turn around the Fat Ladies’ misfortunes, October’s transfer window only compounded issues on the pitch.

Inexplicably, the manager failed to jettison Qatar-based training ground agitant Chico Flores, opting to wave goodbye to regular starter Fabrizio Coloccini from defence along with unfavoured Vlad Chiriches. In their place perennial Kenna desperation signing Phillipe Senderos arrived beside Central American dice throw Christian Gamboa.

In midfield, the decision was taken to swap Antonio Valencia for Ashley Young, essentially replacing one flakey black minority ethnic Manchester United winger with another. Events on the pitch have done nothing to allay criticism this was little more than an HR tick box exercise.

Nevertheless, it’s up front where the manager suffered his biggest howler. Christian Benteke looked a good August investment for £8m. Laid low with injury for a few weeks, he would surely burst into goalscoring form upon return.

Whether it was the unusually mild mid-October evening, the premium lager or the Hoxton Pirates manager threatening proceedings with a cutlass, somehow the Fat Ladies boss contrived to forfeit the Belgian goal machine under the Titus Bramble ruling. It was unlikely to be Danny Graham’s big comeback.

All of which means the Fat Ladies manager finds himself 11 points ahead and two goals behind the PSV Mornington’s efforts at the same point last season. The Catalan was sacked by Christmas.

So complete is the inadequacy permeating Fat Ladies Football Club that instead of half-and-half shirts and selfie sticks Asian supporters have begun to arrive at home games wearing surgical masks for fear it’s contagious.

And therein lies one ray of sunshine in the Fat Ladies manager’s whole sorry snafu: at least some cries of terrace dissent will be muffled.

Kenna table

Kenna table week 11 - 11 November 2014
Kenna table week 11 – 11 November 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Young Boys Denney 32 3
2 Bala Rinas Lewis 32 1
3 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 31 1
4 FC Tescticuladew James N 31 1
5 KS West Green Stix 30 4
6 Dynamo Charlton Alex 26 1
7 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 26 0
8 Cowley Casuals Stu 26 0
9 Just Put Carles Carles 21 1
10 St Reatham FC Mike 20 1
11 Headless Chickens John N 19 0
12 Pikey Scum Jack 18 1
13 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 18 0
14 Piedmonte Phil 17 0
15 Judean People’s Front Sholto 15 0
16 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 15 0
17 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 13 0
18 Fat Ladies Ted 12 0
19 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 10 0
20 Team Panda Rules OK George 9 0
Points Player
Player of the week 12 Aguero, S – MCY – STR
Club KS West Green
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Author: The chairman

Ascended to the chairmanship of the Jeff Kenna League Fantasy Football League in 2007 after co-founded the league in London in August 2005.