The Kenna 2014 end of year awards

NEW Year’s Eve is upon the Kenna once more and it’s time to hand out those gongs.

Another outstanding year for the FC Testiculadew manager finally proved that cheats do prosper, which is reflected in his winning one show-piece award and being short listed for many others.

So who had the easiest job? Who let the pressure get to them most? Who had an excellent place for hiding sex workers? Who didn’t? Who missed every Kenna event this year but still managed to walk away with some silverware*? And just who do the Red Arrows think they are to turn down the Kenna?

Take it away the Kenna 2014 end of year awards!

*Disclaimer: these awards do not count as ‘silverware’

Best newcomer – a cardboard cut out of Pep Guardiola

With the PSV Mornington manager sacked by last Christmas it was left to assistant coach Pep ‘Cardiola’ to take the reins. He was made permanent manager in January and managed to coax 11 goals in half a season, a dramatic improvement.

Performance of the year – the FC Testiculadew manager

An unprecedented second Kenna league and cup double in May followed by Emerson World Cup victory in July – WHEN HE DIDN’T EVEN ATTEND THE AUCTION – all but sealed this accolade for the Kenna’s most controversial manager. The honour was confirmed when the self-confessed Tactical Brambler failed to appear for the August auction and sent six bottles of champagne instead. Some other managers would do well to take note.

Worst performance of the year – the Fat Ladies manager

Any of the Hoxton Pirates manager’s appearances at any league event will always come a close second in this category, but before the Somali had even heard of the Kenna there was the Fat Ladies manager. An early exponent of Albert Luque, the Fat Ladies manger set the precedent for mystifying auction tactics and rake-in-the-face Bramble forfeits. Somehow he won the league in 2008, but after a period of absence he has returned this season to find his managerial talents no longer equal that of the Kenna.

The Fish in a Barrel award for easiest job to do – the Hong Kong police

The way FC Testiculadew coasted to a treble of honours this year was put into perspective by one of the most uncomplicated arrests ever.

Best celeb spot – Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, the chairman

The Fat Ladies manager may have bumped into Dion Dublin in a London pub and the St Reatham FC manager may have contrived a stalker/stalked relationship with Soccer Saturday consonant-dropper Bianca Westwood, but it was the chairman who in April received a face-to-face apology from the Ox for his poor performances at KS West Green. The look on David Bentley’s face to be recognised by the chairman at an event with so many footballers present was worth attending alone.

The Joe Kinnear award for worst transfer business – Piedmonte

Yes, the Headless Chickens manager bought Kostas Mitroglou at the February transfer window for £14m, but at the same event the Piedmonte manager traded in Samir Nasri for Andros Townsend. That business cost the Wulfrunian his best ever shot at the Kenna league title as Nasri barnstormed the rest of the season while Townsend could have maintained a similar level of form if he’d been on the moon. A special commendation goes to the Judean Peoples’ Front manager, who was doing his business when Nasri was sold rivals Bala Rinas.

The Kevin Keegan ‘I WOULD LOVE IT!’ award for coping with pressure – the Hairy Fadjeetas manager

February was a difficult month for the Hairy Fadjeetas manager. Having led the league for a few weeks earlier in the season, his campaign was beginning to unravel. Fast. Cue expletive-ridden press conference.

The Young Boys manger deserves a commendation for his unusual response to World Cup support in the absence of Wales from Brazil.

The Colt Detective Special revolver award for biggest snub – the Red Arrows

It was supposed to be the icing on the cake. The Kenna’s landmark 10th auction. The cream of fantasy football management celebrated by the cream of aeronautical display teams. Who could have predicted the Red Arrows wouldn’t get out of bed for 25 blokes on an all dayer? Not the chairman.

The America’s Dumbest Criminals award for worst kidnap attempt – the Hoxton Pirates manager

Two days after the October transfer window, the chairman received a phone call from an apoplectic pub landlord. It appeared an ornamental sword in his upstairs bar had been removed from its wall fixings and used to hold to the neck of the Fat Ladies manager by a radical Muslim. Those photos were deleted by the Fat Ladies a few days later, so no evidence remains of an incident which now officially never took place. As such, this award must go to the well-documented plight of Danny Graham. The striker was snatched by the crew of the good ship Hoxton Pirates off England’s north east coast at the February transfer window only to be made to walk the plank a few minutes later.

The Jozef Fritzl award for interior design – Kenna HQ

When the chairman was snapped soundproofing a windowless crawlspace underneath Kenna HQ it was apparently for ‘footballing reasons’.

Absentee of the year – the St Reatham FC manager

Despite putting in a ‘tactical no show’ at the Emerson World Cup auction before winning the tournament a month later, the FC Testiculadew could learn a thing or two from one of the Kenna’s Catalan contingent. Sending a second to the February transfer window, the Just Put Carles manager tweeted a picture of himself enjoying cocktails in the Caribbean.

Both fade in comparison with Surrey Police wanted board’s the St Reatham FC manager. Ever since the body of a female Sky Sports News presenter was found battered to death on Chobham Common last April, the manager has led the desperate life of an international fugitive. In February he Skyped into the transfer window from his Alpine hideout, In August, his team abandoned at the start of the season, he was sighted on the Amalfi coast in Italy. In October, the jet-lag appeared to be catching up with him. Holed up in San Francisco for the transfer window, he tried to release a player that wasn’t even in his side.

Most inappropriate use of world affairs to describe a fantasy football scenario – the missing Malaysia Airlines flight

When it comes to expressing the utter forlorn of managers while FC Testiculadew cruise to victory every time, there’s nothing else on the radar.

Flashback of the year – the Still Don’t Know Yet manager remembers Emerson

The mid-90s was a difficult time for many Kenna managers. They were teenagers and the internet was nowhere near the tool it is today. Add into the mix the dashed hopes of a Teesider when Brazilian flair founders.

Best unused Titus Bramble forfeit player of the year – Harold Shipman

Harold Shipman
‘Just a little prick’

Canesten Combi Cup group/pool stage results – 30 December 2014

30-Dec-14 Young Boys 4 1 Dynamo Charlton
30-Dec-14 Headless Chickens 3 0 Judean Peoples’ Front
30-Dec-14 KS West Green 0 0 Just Put Carles
30-Dec-14 Piedmonte 0 1 Team Panda Rules OK
30-Dec-14 Pikey Scum 2 0 Hoxton Pirates
30-Dec-14 Walthamstow Reds 3 0 Still Don’t Know Yet
30-Dec-14 Lokomotiv Leeds 5 0 Fat Ladies
30-Dec-14 Hairy Fadjeetas 3 0 FC Testiculadew

Canesten Combi Cup group/pool standings

Date 30-Dec-14
Group A
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Young Boys 2 4 1 3 4
2 Sporting Lesbian 2 1 0 1 4
3 Dynamo Charlton 3 2 4 -2 4
4 Headless Chickens 2 3 1 2 3
5 Judean Peoples’ Front 3 0 4 -4 1
Group B
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Team Panda Rules OK 3 4 -1 3 7
2 Bala Rinas 2 1 0 1 4
3 Just Put Carles 3 1 -2 -1 2
4 Piedmonte 2 0 -1 -1 1
5 KS West Green 2 0 -2 -2 1
Group C
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Walthamstow Reds 2 6 -1 5 6
2 Pikey Scum 2 5 0 5 6
3 Hoxton Pirates 3 0 -2 -2 2
4 Cowley Casuals 2 1 -3 -2 1
5 Still Don’t Know Yet 3 0 -6 -6 1
Group D
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Lokomotiv Leeds 2 7 0 7 6
2 St Reatham FC 2 3 -1 2 6
3 Hairy Fadjeetas 2 4 -2 2 3
4 Fat Ladies 3 1 -6 -5 3
5 FC Testiculadew 3 0 -6 -6 0

Kenna table – 30 December 2014

Kenna week 17 - 30 December 2014
Kenna week 17 – 30 December 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 77 5
2 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 65 3
3 Judean People’s Front Sholto 65 2
4 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 64 3
5 Young Boys Denney 60 4
6 Headless Chickens John N 54 3
7 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 53 2
8 St Reatham FC Mike 52 0
9 Bala Rinas Lewis 41 1
10 KS West Green Stix 37 0
11 Cowley Casuals Stu 36 1
12 FC Tescticuladew James N 35 2
13 Fat Ladies Ted 35 0
14 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 33 2
15 Pikey Scum Jack 30 2
16 Dynamo Charlton Alex 27 1
17 Team Panda Rules OK George 27 0
18 Piedmonte Phil 25 0
19 Just Put Carles Carles 22 0
20 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 14 0
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Lallana, A – LIV – MID
Club Headless Chickens
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Austin’s powers defy Young Boys cup hopes

Santa's lap
Knee trembler: The Young Boys manager reacted badly to the cup Christmas fixture list (photo: Kingston99)

THE Young Boys manager was left cursing Kenna HQ ahead of Christmas after Charlie Austin scored a hat trick during a cup week….when his side didn’t have a fixture.

Overwhelmed by such a glut of goals from the striker, the Young Boys manager had immediately taken to social media networking site Twitter on Sunday.

Defender John Terry brought the Young Boys goal tally to four, but the festive cheer dried up at the when the manager realised his side were not playing in group/pool A.

A long-time critic of Kenna HQ’s decision to amend the cup fixtures system from head-to-head points scored in a week to head-to-head goals, the Young Boys manager was quick to vent his spleen.

The second round of cup group/pool stages saw Young Boys slip three points behind Sporting Lesbian and Dynamo Charlton.

Dynamo face Young Boys over the Christmas weekend. Sporting opened up their lead at the top of the Kenna League after chasers Bala Rinas put in a pitiful shift.

Injuries to influential midfielders Dusan Tadic and Aaron Ramsey have seen Bala Rinas lose momentum they could never dream to maintain with a front two of Stefan Jovetic and Marouane Chamakh.

Full scores are available in The Rub.

Canesten Combi Cup – group/pool stage week two results

23-Dec-14 Sporting Lesbian 1 0 Headless Chickens
23-Dec-14 Dynamo Charlton 1 0 Judean Peoples’ Front
23-Dec-14 Bala Rinas 0 0 Piedmonte
23-Dec-14 Just Put Carles 1 1 Team Panda Rules OK
23-Dec-14 Cowley Casuals 1 3 Walthamstow Reds
23-Dec-14 Hoxton Pirates 0 0 Still Don’t Know Yet
23-Dec-14 St Reatham FC 2 1 Hairy Fadjeetas
23-Dec-14 Fat Ladies 1 0 FC Testiculadew

Canesten Combi Cup – group/pool standings

Date 23-Dec-14
Group/pool A
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Dynamo Charlton 2 1 0 1 4
2 Sporting Lesbian 2 1 0 1 4
3 Young Boys 1 0 0 0 1
4 Judean Peoples’ Front 2 0 1 -1 1
5 Headless Chickens 1 0 1 -1 0
Group B
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Team Panda Rules OK 2 3 -1 2 4
2 Bala Rinas 2 1 0 1 4
3 Piedmonte 1 0 0 0 1
4 Just Put Carles 2 1 -2 -1 1
5 KS West Green 1 0 -2 -2 0
Group C
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Pikey Scum 1 3 0 3 3
2 Walthamstow Reds 1 3 -1 2 3
3 Hoxton Pirates 2 0 0 0 2
4 Cowley Casuals 2 1 -3 -2 1
5 Still Don’t Know Yet 2 0 -3 -3 1
Group D
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 St Reatham FC 2 3 -1 2 6
2 Lokomotiv Leeds 1 2 0 2 3
3 Fat Ladies 2 1 -1 0 3
4 Hairy Fadjeetas 1 1 -2 -1 0
5 FC Testiculadew 2 0 -3 -3 0

Canesten Combi Cup – this weekend’s fixtures

30-Dec-14

Young Boys

0

0

Dynamo Charlton

30-Dec-14

Headless Chickens

0

0

Judean Peoples’ Front

30-Dec-14

KS West Green

0

0

Just Put Carles

30-Dec-14

Piedmonte

0

0

Team Panda Rules OK

30-Dec-14

Pikey Scum

0

0

Hoxton Pirates

30-Dec-14

Walthamstow Reds

0

0

Still Don’t Know Yet

30-Dec-14

Lokomotiv Leeds

0

0

Fat Ladies

30-Dec-14

Hairy Fadjeetas

0

0

FC Testiculadew

Kenna table

Kenna table week 16 - 23 December 2014
Kenna table week 16 – 23 December 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Young Boys Denney 39 4
2 Judean People’s Front Sholto 35 0
3 St Reatham FC Mike 32 2
4 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 30 1
5 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 29 1
6 Just Put Carles Carles 29 1
7 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 27 2
8 Cowley Casuals Stu 26 1
9 Fat Ladies Ted 26 1
10 Pikey Scum Jack 23 0
11 KS West Green Stix 23 0
12 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 22 2
13 Piedmonte Phil 22 0
14 FC Tescticuladew James N 22 0
15 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 21 2
16 Headless Chickens John N 21 0
17 Team Panda Rules OK George 19 1
18 Dynamo Charlton Alex 15 1
19 Bala Rinas Lewis 12 0
20 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 2 0
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Austin, C – QPR – STR
Club Young Boys
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Sordell little secret

Marvin Sordell
‘Guys. Hey, you guys, I’m over here. Guys?’: Marvin Sordell has been overlooked by the Kenna apparatus (photo: Telegraph)

KENNA League blazers have admitted they didn’t know who Marvin Sordell was after it emerged the striker had not been scoring points for two months.

Until today no one at Kenna HQ noticed Sordell’s one start and three substitute appearances failed to contribute to the title efforts of St Reatham FC.

A leaked email from the charts and graphs department in response to an enquiry about the oversight read: “Sordell was down as a Leicester player, not sure why, probably because I don’t know who he is.”

Murmurs among managers in the league maintain Marvin Sordell was overlooked because his underwhelming performances and suggestive name make him sound less like a footballer and more like an adult film actor. Peter Ndlovu or Rod Fanni are two other such phenomenons.

Despite his lack of goals and perceived inclination to whip it out at the first sniff of innuendo, Sordell’s efforts have still seen St Reatham FC climb up on top of Cowley Casuals to third place in the table.

The St Reatham FC manager was unavailable for comment, but sources at the club say he’s welcomed the Sordell oversight in light of his continued efforts to avoid questioning from Surrey Police.

Having fled the to Switzerland in the aftermath of the brutal murder of a female Sky Sports News presenter on Chobham Common, the St Reatham boss is keeping a low profile for fear a semen test could link him to the crime scene.

Sordell wasn’t needed for St Reatham to win their group C – or pool C, depending on who you talk to at Kenna HQ – match in the opening round of the season’s Canesten Combi Cup competition this weekend. A Juan Mata notch was enough to overcome a goalless, and bottom of the table, Fat Ladies.

Pikey Scum featured in the cup’s biggest whooping so far, pulling down the pants of Still Don’t Know Yet 3-0.

Kevin Mirallas and the Scum strike partnership – known as ‘Costa del Crouch’ – all found the net.

Full results available in The Rub.

Cup results

16-Dec-14 Sporting Lesbian 0 0 Dynamo Charlton
16-Dec-14 Young Boys 0 0 Judean Peoples’ Front
16-Dec-14 Bala Rinas 1 0 Just Put Carles
16-Dec-14 KS West Green 0 2 Team Panda Rules OK
16-Dec-14 Cowley Casuals 0 0 Hoxton Pirates
16-Dec-14 Pikey Scum 3 0 Still Don’t Know Yet
16-Dec-14 St Reatham FC 1 0 Fat Ladies
16-Dec-14 Lokomotiv Leeds 2 0 FC Testiculadew

Kenna League table

Kenna table week 15 - 16 December 2014
Kenna table week 15 – 16 December 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 37 2
2 Pikey Scum Jack 35 3
3 Team Panda Rules OK George 33 2
4 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 32 0
5 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 31 2
6 St Reatham FC Mike 25 1
7 Judean People’s Front Sholto 25 0
8 Bala Rinas Lewis 24 1
9 Headless Chickens John N 23 2
10 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 23 2
11 Cowley Casuals Stu 23 0
12 Dynamo Charlton Alex 22 0
13 KS West Green Stix 19 0
14 Fat Ladies Ted 17 0
15 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 15 1
16 Piedmonte Phil 14 0
17 Young Boys Denney 13 0
18 Just Put Carles Carles 10 0
19 FC Tescticuladew James N 7 0
20 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 4 0
Points Player
Player of the week 12 Cazorla, S – ARS – MID
Club Headless Chickens
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East London line pub crawl

East London line pub crawl - 42
A typical scene: Bearded barmen, retro clothes, pies – welcome to East London (photo: Sutcliffe)

IT was a bright October lunchtime when a group of regular pub crawlers congregated in south London lowlight New Cross.

The clocks would go back that night so there was still plenty of crisp daylight in which to attack their biggest challenge yet: 13 pubs in nine hours. The trendiest length of train track in the world. The East London line.

More than ever before organisation would need to be sharper than a Rotherhithe Stanley knife, swifter than a Whitechapel pickpocket, tighter than a pair of Dalston jeans.

So it was with relief that gathered among tipplers in the run down decor of the Amersham Arms were such crawl veterans as the Kenna League chairman, Vicky the bus spotter, BinksyPalts the Balt and last but not least Sutcliffe.

Under their steady guidance London’s edgiest dives and hangouts would be negotiated with as much aplomb as could be mustered after a pint for each station.

Dazza was ‘on hand’ to take analysis of dryers in the gents to unchartered levels.

Saturday 25 October 2014 at 12.30pm. The itinerary:

  1. New Cross – The Amersham Arms
  2. Surrey Quays – The Yellow House
  3. Canada Water – The Albion
  4. Rotherhithe – The Mayflower
  5. Wapping – Captain Kidd
  6. Shadwell – The George
  7. Whitechapel – The Blind Beggar
  8. Shoreditch High Street – The Owl and the Pussycat
  9. Hoxton – Howl at the Moon
  10. Haggerston – The Fox
  11. Dalston Junction – Farr’s School of Dancing
  12. Canonbury – The Snooty Fox
  13. Highbury & Islington – The Compton Arms

1. New Cross – The Amersham Arms

East London line pub crawl - 01
Dublin Porter: A pint of flat Coke (photo: Sutcliffe)

Aromas from the previous evening were still partying hard in this single-roomed boozer, giving the impression they were permanent guests. Fortunately, attentions were quickly diverted by tap of Guinness Dublin Porter at the bar, the Russian Premier League preview on the small flatscreen and the fake ‘tweed’ jacket Sutcliffe purchased from a charity shop that morning.

The Amersham was a solid place to start for a crawl of London’s most faddish neighbourhoods. It is also Sutcliffe’s manor. The area is a curious mix of gritty south London and art students from nearby Goldsmith’s College pretending to be gritty south London. Sutcliffe has problems relating to either group, as evidenced by the polyester tweed.

The Amersham’s interior looks like it was gutted by fire before someone stuck up a few posters at jaunty angles. The resulting mood and proximity of a major art college gives the impression that at any moment someone could walk in wearing green hair, a leather trench coat and knitted mittens or another angsty combination.

No doubt the Amersham warms up in the evening. It was definitely not a lunchtime pub. Crawlers left the bearded barman on his lonesome.

01 Amersham Arms anon
Photos and words: Dazza

2. Surrey Quays – The China Hall

East London line pub crawl - 05 anon
The China Hall: All smiles, thankfully no Chelsea smiles (photo: Sutcliffe)

Having made the short Overground ride to Surrey Quays, crawlers met the day’s first setback. The Yellow House was closed! Not to worry, just up Lower Road the welcoming chalk board of The China Hall beckoned the party to enter.

A part of south London in no danger of becoming trendy soon. A gaggle of shaved heads and calf tattoos greets the visitor. Crawlers were quick to order rounds and file into the beer garden. A low brick wall and several wooden picnic tables became their home for enough time to see off a Stella Artois.

It’s best to visit pubs like The China Hall early in the day, before Milwall lose and the local septum duster mixes with a few pints of short-dated wifebeater.

China Hall hand dryer
Words and photo: Dazza

3. Canada Water – The Albion (closed)

Silent threat from The China Hall stalked crawlers on the short walk up Lower Road to their next destination. Internet research had shown The Albion, the only pub within sensible distance of Canada Water station, was bedecked in St George’s flag bunting. It was with some relief the establishment was discovered to have closed down.

4. Rotherhithe – The Mayflower

East London line pub crawl - 11
The Mayflower: Plenty on the pull (photo: Sutcliffe)

Parched everyone dived into The Mayflower. At this stage of the route the party crossed the Greenwich to Tower Bridge crawl from 18 months previously, the first time crawlers would visit the same pub twice. Premonitions of torn dimensions or the day of judgement arriving with a Biblical thunderstorm were swept aside when the chairman announced the crawl would stop for two drinks to make up for the closed pub.

A mandatory pint of Black Maria was also decreed, the drink equivalent of a Caramac. The mixture proved too much for the bar’s resources and left the strange flavour of Guinness and Kahlua on the palate. A poor substitution.

The Mayflower is definitely worth a visit particularly if it’s clement enough to sit on the river terrace. The serious drinker should be warned: the pub’s history, twee architecture and proximity to the Thames make it a priority destination for tourists. Intent on finding hipsters, the East London line crawler is met instead by the rustling din of windjammers ordering coffees or halves of ale.

03 Mayflower anon
Words and photos: Dazza

5. Wapping – Captain Kidd

East London line pub crawl - 26 anon
Balloon dog whisperer: Soon after this photo was taken a parent demanded his son’s balloon dog be returned (photo: Sutcliffe)

There was a time when the warehouses of Wapping teemed with the Victorian activities of cheeky bootblacks, maritime swagger and tubby prostitutes. The streets retain their narrow dimensions and the buildings their towering capacity, but any human interaction is limited to yet more brightly-coloured windjammers as they explore the echoing thoroughfares. The neighbourhood is trendy, but the price per square foot is an investment banker’s weekday squeeze lair.

The Captain Kidd reflected both the area’s architecture and Saturday afternoon street traffic. Exposed brick and an excellent terrace over the River Thames are tempered by the Samuel Smith’s offer at the bar.

Many years of experimentation have demonstrated a Samuel Smiths pub doesn’t quite feel like any other boozer. Everything about Samuel Smith’s drinks tastes like a scientist tried to recreate the heritage and breweries of a normal pub using a Bunsen burner and 1930s laboratory ethics. The cheap beer tastes a few molecules away from the real thing, and has been known to induce a skull-crushing headache the next day.

Captain Kidd provided an excellent example of this lab rat approach. The concept, taste and after taste of ‘Chocolate Stout’ just goes to show what a bunch of chocolate starfish Samuel Smith’s descendants consider their punters to be.

Captain Kidd gents hand dryer review
Words and photo: Dazza

 

6. Shadwell – The George Tavern

East London line pub crawl - 37 anon
Great piss up: Dazza lays the foundations for another hand dryer test (photo: Sutcliffe)

One of the closest pubs to Shadwell Overground station is still a 10-minute walk away. The trip is worth it. The George has attracted customers from the stratosphere of musical celebrity, but now struggles against the tide of housing development in the area: ‘Save the George Tavern’.

Bowling in four pints to the good at that same hour in the afternoon, crawlers found the snug deserted save for a lone Irishman in a shell suit top at the bar. The cheery fellow proclaimed his colleague was in the cellar, it was not yet his shift but he was in a few hours early to get ‘warmed up’ for work. He decided to take the initiative and help pull a few pints for the unexpected rush. Obviously not a union man.

Like the Amersham Arms, this is certainly an interior best viewed in the evening when it could be politely called ‘heroin chic’. The windows are almost opaque and every single surface in the George is covered in graffiti, like a giant pub toilet. No surprise then that the theme was carried through to the facilities. There was no danger of an hourly cleaning rota, but who cares about hygiene when you’re shooting up with a rockstar?

05 George Tavern anon
Words and photo: Dazza

7. Whitechapel – The Blind Beggar

East London line pub crawl - 61 anon
Right in the boat race: The chairman demonstrates where the Krays would point their shooters should they have met today’s Blind Beggar regular (photo: Sutcliffe)

It’s impossible to mention the Blind Beggar without referring to the infamous murder of Jack ‘The Hat’ McVitie by Reggie Kray, presumably for having the most unimaginative nickname in the East End. Even though it’s fanciful to think the pub is still a den of mobsters getting rubbed out and fenced goods, it does lend some much-needed charm to the grimy decor.

A sack of coin has been thrown at a beer garden refurb, and on a late Saturday afternoon it was bubbling with people and atmosphere. It’s uncertain which popular Spanish travel and lifestyle publication is to blame but Whitechapel seems to have a growing population of chattering Iberians who were very much in evidence here, sporting white or blaugrana colours. El Clásico was about to kick off on the screens.

As for the rest of the clientele, they’re not the prettiest but an all-female bar team made a not entirely unsuccessful attempt to brighten the place up. Plastic gangsters, down-on-their-luck app developers and, in keeping with the neighbourhood’s ethnicity, a few south Asians outnumber any genuine cockneys. It’s unlikely many people die of their gunshot wounds here anymore, if only because the pub now stands opposite one of the UK’s leading major trauma centres.

Blind Beggar gents hand dryer review
Words and photo: Dazza

8. Shoreditch High Street – The Owl and the Pussycat

East London line pub crawl - 69 anon
Site safety:

Leaving Shoreditch High Street station and passing under the tunnel, the visitor is greeted by Boxpark – shipping containers stacked upon each other, painted bright blue and turned into shopping outlets. An innovative concept or a mocking gesture? The sight of those imposing, windowless, steel boxes can only lead a minority of the local area’s high immigrant population to get painful flashbacks of their entry into UK.

Tucked away on Redchurch Street a couple of minutes walk from the station, the Owl and the Pussycat used to be one of the few remaining boozers in London to have a bar billiards table. This game of poise, skill and other qualities lacking in crawlers now seven rounds to the good is now sadly absent from the premises. What’s left is a pub that retains so much of its traditional character but is packed with the demographic influx of young people from all over the world to the trendiest neighbourhood in the country. The L-shaped snug was rammed early evening with patrons spilling out into the small courtyard beer garden at the back.

07 Owl and the Pussycat
Words and photos: Dazza

9. Hoxton – Howl at the Moon

East London line pub crawl - 72 anon
Back home: Katie is yet to fully explain this picture (photo: Sutcliffe)

Taking the Overground to Hoxton, it’s a 10-minute walk to Howl at the Moon. A decade ago, when Hoxton was already synonymous with ‘trendy’, this far up Hoxton Street was still Jamaican jerk chicken joints, Nigerian travel agents, Cockney saloons and Turkish members-only clubs. Over time the wave of gentrification has increased its foothold further north and Howl at the Moon is full of young white folk sitting around candled tables drinking craft beer.

Howl at the Moon gents hand dryer review

10. Haggerston – The Fox

East London line pub crawl - 74 anon
Double teapot cosy: The Fat Ladies manager, a Haggerston resident, ponders how to get his side off the bottom of the Kenna League table (photo: Sutcliffe)

There was a time when it’s isolated location halfway up Kingsland Road meant the Fox was an odd place ahead of its time, catering for young professionals who preferred to ride the few stops on the bus to Shoreditch of a Saturday evening. The Fat Ladies manager was once so moved to describe its clientele as ‘yourself, but on a bad day’.

Nowadays it’s rebranded itself into ‘The Fox Craft Beer House’. There was hardly room to move in the high-ceilinged bar as punters selected from an impressive range of pilsners and pale ales.

It was at this point circumstances became too much for Sutcliffe and his tweed jacket. The high volume of people north of the river who had migrated to their capital, tripped over in Beyond Retro and put on the airs of frustrated creativity incensed a genuine south Londoner with verified artistic credentials.

The Fox Craft Beer House gents hand dryer review
(words and photo: Dazza)

11. Dalston Junction – Farr’s School of Dancing

East London line pub crawl - 76 anon
Shrugging marvellous: The Hoxton Pirates manager tells crawlers what appeals to him most about his religious beliefs (photo: Sutcliffe)

Back in the naughties, hipsters began moving north from Shoreditch in search of lebensraum. The migration has seen trendy bars, restaurants and nightclubs spring up among the murky Irish pubs and Caribbean street market. Farr’s School of Dancing is one such ‘vintage chic’ example, full of ‘vintage chic’ people striking ‘vintage chic’ poses. Sutcliffe and his tweed jacket were furious.

Farr's School of Dancing gents hand dryer review
(words and photo: Dazza)

12. Canonbury – The Snooty Fox

East London line pub crawl - 75 anon
Flash jacket: Fox regulars are not too snooty about their hi vis (Sutcliffe)

Leaving behind the stressed furniture, pretension and craft beer of Hackney, the East London line winds on to one of Islington’s quiantest suburbs, Canonbury.

Unlike the venues visited before, the Snooty Fox is not a ‘destination’. Whereas a popular Home Counties teenager spends the week staring out of the classroom window daydreaming about such matters as a forthcoming night out on Kingsland Road and whether the online designer drugs order will be delivered in time, not even Andy from accounts has grand designs for pubs like the Snooty Fox. These residential boozers are instead the backbone of middle class London drinking. A stop gap, a local bar for a midweek catch up or somewhere for a quick one before heading ‘out out’. Of course, white-collar alcoholism being what it is, the ‘quick one’ can easily escalate into a full blown session, and encountering the bustle and honest laughter of the Snooty Fox mid evening crawlers chanced upon the latter phenomenon. It was a welcome change from the posturing of Dalston.

The Snooty Fox gents hand dryer review
(words and photo: Dazza)

13. Highbury and Islington – The Compton Arms

East London line pub crawl - 79 anon
Underground, Overground, bungling free: The rabble reaches its the final stop (photo: Sutcliffe)

The crawl ended in the most traditional pub of the day. A low-ceilinged, carpeted bar on a quiet street near Highbury Corner. The Compton is soon likely to lose the battle to retain its local feel and commitment against the tide of rising house prices and gastropub-itis. A fairy will die when it ends up with the flatpack marketing of The Canonbury nearby.

Everyone was left to enjoy their feat of 13 pints in 12 pubs in around nine hours. Well, everyone except Sutcliffe and his tweed jacket, who had taken themselves outside to cool off.

The Compton Arms gents hand dryer review
Words and photo: Dazza

Kenna League table week 14 – 9 December 2014

Kenna table week 14 - 9 December 2014Cup fixtures this weekend

Week Team 1 Score Score2 Team 2

16-Dec-14

Sporting Lesbian

0

0

Dynamo Charlton

16-Dec-14

Young Boys

0

0

Judean Peoples’ Front

16-Dec-14

Bala Rinas

0

0

Just Put Carles

16-Dec-14

KS West Green

0

0

Team Panda Rules OK

16-Dec-14

Cowley Casuals

0

0

Hoxton Pirates

16-Dec-14

Pikey Scum

0

0

Still Don’t Know Yet

16-Dec-14

St Reatham FC

0

0

Fat Ladies

16-Dec-14

Lokomotiv Leeds

0

0

FC Testiculadew

Weekly scores

Manager

Points

Goals

1

Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden   71   5

2

Sporting Lesbian Ben M   68   3

3

KS West Green Stix   61   4

4

Cowley Casuals Stu   61   2

5

Bala Rinas Lewis   59   2

6

Just Put Carles Carles   56   4

7

Judean People’s Front Sholto   54   2

8

St Reatham FC Mike   47   1

9

Still Don’t Know Yet Pete   46   2

10

Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S   42   1

11

Walthamstow Reds Dudley   42   -00

12

FC Tescticuladew James N   42   -00

13

Dynamo Charlton Alex   40   1

14

Team Panda Rules OK George   39   -00

15

Pikey Scum Jack   38   1

16

Piedmonte Phil   36   1

17

Fat Ladies Ted   35   2

18

Headless Chickens John N   30   2

19

Young Boys Denney   28   1

20

Hoxton Pirates Abdi   13   -00

Points

Player
Player of the week

20

Carroll, A – WHM – STR

Club

Just Put Carles

 

 

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Cup announcement draws controversy

Michael Barrymore

KENNA HQ has admitted it still doesn’t know whether the first round of this season’s Canesten Combi Cup competition will be known as the ‘group’ or the ‘pool’ stage.

The quandary comes as the four cup groups – or pools – are announced today.

Recovering from the first of a clutch of Christmas smash ups this morning, the chairman said: “We’ve always called the first round the ‘group’ stage, but we thought this year we would call it the ‘pool’ stage. They use the term in rugby’s The Heineken Cup and it sounds quite professional, but then it also leaves us open to jokes about that night at Michael Barrymore’s house, and this kind of inappropriate carry on is really off brand for the league.

“We’ve got through at least a crate of scotch and several types of recreational drugs debating the matter in the Kenna HQ situation room but we’re still drowning in detail. We could even call them ‘draws’, I suppose.”

Further criticism was heaped on league authorities for their controversial new cup seeding process.

Each team has been grouped – or pooled – with every fourth team going down the Kenna League table.

“The new seeding process is an excellent solution to two problems,” said the chairman to the dayshift barman’s exasperation in the saloon bar of the King’s Arms in Waterloo.

“First, it ensures that every group – or pool – is of comparable quality so any team can strike it lucky, and second, we forgot to do the draw at the October transfer window because everyone was too busy drunkenly playing with the display-only cutlasses in the pub.”

Cup fixtures will be played during the following five weeks:

  • 16 December
  • 23 December
  • 30 December
  • 6 January
  • 20 January

Group/Pool A
Sporting Lesbian
Young Boys
Headless Chickens
Judean Peoples’ Front
Dynamo Charlton

Group/Pool B
Bala Rinas
KS West Green
Piedmonte
Team Panda Rules OK
Just Put Carles

Group/Pool C
Cowley Casuals
Pikey Scum
Walthamstow Reds
Still Don’t Know Yet
Hoxton Pirates

Group/Pool D
St Reatham FC
Lokomotiv Leeds
Hairy Fadjeetas
FC Testiculadew
Fat Ladies

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