NEW Year’s Eve is upon the Kenna once more and it’s time to hand out those gongs.
Another outstanding year for the FC Testiculadew manager finally proved that cheats do prosper, which is reflected in his winning one show-piece award and being short listed for many others.
So who had the easiest job? Who let the pressure get to them most? Who had an excellent place for hiding sex workers? Who didn’t? Who missed every Kenna event this year but still managed to walk away with some silverware*? And just who do the Red Arrows think they are to turn down the Kenna?
Take it away the Kenna 2014 end of year awards!
*Disclaimer: these awards do not count as ‘silverware’
Best newcomer – a cardboard cut out of Pep Guardiola
With the PSV Mornington manager sacked by last Christmas it was left to assistant coach Pep ‘Cardiola’ to take the reins. He was made permanent manager in January and managed to coax 11 goals in half a season, a dramatic improvement.
Performance of the year – the FC Testiculadew manager
An unprecedented second Kenna league and cup double in May followed by Emerson World Cup victory in July – WHEN HE DIDN’T EVEN ATTEND THE AUCTION – all but sealed this accolade for the Kenna’s most controversial manager. The honour was confirmed when the self-confessed Tactical Brambler failed to appear for the August auction and sent six bottles of champagne instead. Some other managers would do well to take note.
Worst performance of the year – the Fat Ladies manager
Any of the Hoxton Pirates manager’s appearances at any league event will always come a close second in this category, but before the Somali had even heard of the Kenna there was the Fat Ladies manager. An early exponent of Albert Luque, the Fat Ladies manger set the precedent for mystifying auction tactics and rake-in-the-face Bramble forfeits. Somehow he won the league in 2008, but after a period of absence he has returned this season to find his managerial talents no longer equal that of the Kenna.
The Fish in a Barrel award for easiest job to do – the Hong Kong police
The way FC Testiculadew coasted to a treble of honours this year was put into perspective by one of the most uncomplicated arrests ever.
Best celeb spot – Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, the chairman
The Fat Ladies manager may have bumped into Dion Dublin in a London pub and the St Reatham FC manager may have contrived a stalker/stalked relationship with Soccer Saturday consonant-dropper Bianca Westwood, but it was the chairman who in April received a face-to-face apology from the Ox for his poor performances at KS West Green. The look on David Bentley’s face to be recognised by the chairman at an event with so many footballers present was worth attending alone.
The Joe Kinnear award for worst transfer business – Piedmonte
Yes, the Headless Chickens manager bought Kostas Mitroglou at the February transfer window for £14m, but at the same event the Piedmonte manager traded in Samir Nasri for Andros Townsend. That business cost the Wulfrunian his best ever shot at the Kenna league title as Nasri barnstormed the rest of the season while Townsend could have maintained a similar level of form if he’d been on the moon. A special commendation goes to the Judean Peoples’ Front manager, who was doing his business when Nasri was sold rivals Bala Rinas.
The Kevin Keegan ‘I WOULD LOVE IT!’ award for coping with pressure – the Hairy Fadjeetas manager
February was a difficult month for the Hairy Fadjeetas manager. Having led the league for a few weeks earlier in the season, his campaign was beginning to unravel. Fast. Cue expletive-ridden press conference.
The Young Boys manger deserves a commendation for his unusual response to World Cup support in the absence of Wales from Brazil.
The Colt Detective Special revolver award for biggest snub – the Red Arrows
It was supposed to be the icing on the cake. The Kenna’s landmark 10th auction. The cream of fantasy football management celebrated by the cream of aeronautical display teams. Who could have predicted the Red Arrows wouldn’t get out of bed for 25 blokes on an all dayer? Not the chairman.
The America’s Dumbest Criminals award for worst kidnap attempt – the Hoxton Pirates manager
Two days after the October transfer window, the chairman received a phone call from an apoplectic pub landlord. It appeared an ornamental sword in his upstairs bar had been removed from its wall fixings and used to hold to the neck of the Fat Ladies manager by a radical Muslim. Those photos were deleted by the Fat Ladies a few days later, so no evidence remains of an incident which now officially never took place. As such, this award must go to the well-documented plight of Danny Graham. The striker was snatched by the crew of the good ship Hoxton Pirates off England’s north east coast at the February transfer window only to be made to walk the plank a few minutes later.
The Jozef Fritzl award for interior design – Kenna HQ
When the chairman was snapped soundproofing a windowless crawlspace underneath Kenna HQ it was apparently for ‘footballing reasons’.
Absentee of the year – the St Reatham FC manager
Despite putting in a ‘tactical no show’ at the Emerson World Cup auction before winning the tournament a month later, the FC Testiculadew could learn a thing or two from one of the Kenna’s Catalan contingent. Sending a second to the February transfer window, the Just Put Carles manager tweeted a picture of himself enjoying cocktails in the Caribbean.
Both fade in comparison with Surrey Police wanted board’s the St Reatham FC manager. Ever since the body of a female Sky Sports News presenter was found battered to death on Chobham Common last April, the manager has led the desperate life of an international fugitive. In February he Skyped into the transfer window from his Alpine hideout, In August, his team abandoned at the start of the season, he was sighted on the Amalfi coast in Italy. In October, the jet-lag appeared to be catching up with him. Holed up in San Francisco for the transfer window, he tried to release a player that wasn’t even in his side.
Most inappropriate use of world affairs to describe a fantasy football scenario – the missing Malaysia Airlines flight
When it comes to expressing the utter forlorn of managers while FC Testiculadew cruise to victory every time, there’s nothing else on the radar.
Flashback of the year – the Still Don’t Know Yet manager remembers Emerson
The mid-90s was a difficult time for many Kenna managers. They were teenagers and the internet was nowhere near the tool it is today. Add into the mix the dashed hopes of a Teesider when Brazilian flair founders.
Best unused Titus Bramble forfeit player of the year – Harold Shipman
Canesten Combi Cup group/pool stage results – 30 December 2014
|30-Dec-14||Young Boys||4||1||Dynamo Charlton|
|30-Dec-14||Headless Chickens||3||0||Judean Peoples’ Front|
|30-Dec-14||KS West Green||0||0||Just Put Carles|
|30-Dec-14||Piedmonte||0||1||Team Panda Rules OK|
|30-Dec-14||Pikey Scum||2||0||Hoxton Pirates|
|30-Dec-14||Walthamstow Reds||3||0||Still Don’t Know Yet|
|30-Dec-14||Lokomotiv Leeds||5||0||Fat Ladies|
|30-Dec-14||Hairy Fadjeetas||3||0||FC Testiculadew|
Canesten Combi Cup group/pool standings
|5||Judean Peoples’ Front||3||0||4||-4||1|
|1||Team Panda Rules OK||3||4||-1||3||7|
|3||Just Put Carles||3||1||-2||-1||2|
|5||KS West Green||2||0||-2||-2||1|
|5||Still Don’t Know Yet||3||0||-6||-6||1|
|2||St Reatham FC||2||3||-1||2||6|
Kenna table – 30 December 2014
|1||Lokomotiv Leeds||Ben S||77||5|
|3||Judean People’s Front||Sholto||65||2|
|6||Headless Chickens||John N||54||3|
|7||Sporting Lesbian||Ben M||53||2|
|8||St Reatham FC||Mike||52||0|
|10||KS West Green||Stix||37||0|
|12||FC Tescticuladew||James N||35||2|
|14||Still Don’t Know Yet||Pete||33||2|
|17||Team Panda Rules OK||George||27||0|
|19||Just Put Carles||Carles||22||0|
|Player of the week||17||Lallana, A – LIV – MID|