Cup announcement draws controversy

Michael Barrymore

KENNA HQ has admitted it still doesn’t know whether the first round of this season’s Canesten Combi Cup competition will be known as the ‘group’ or the ‘pool’ stage.

The quandary comes as the four cup groups – or pools – are announced today.

Recovering from the first of a clutch of Christmas smash ups this morning, the chairman said: “We’ve always called the first round the ‘group’ stage, but we thought this year we would call it the ‘pool’ stage. They use the term in rugby’s The Heineken Cup and it sounds quite professional, but then it also leaves us open to jokes about that night at Michael Barrymore’s house, and this kind of inappropriate carry on is really off brand for the league.

“We’ve got through at least a crate of scotch and several types of recreational drugs debating the matter in the Kenna HQ situation room but we’re still drowning in detail. We could even call them ‘draws’, I suppose.”

Further criticism was heaped on league authorities for their controversial new cup seeding process.

Each team has been grouped – or pooled – with every fourth team going down the Kenna League table.

“The new seeding process is an excellent solution to two problems,” said the chairman to the dayshift barman’s exasperation in the saloon bar of the King’s Arms in Waterloo.

“First, it ensures that every group – or pool – is of comparable quality so any team can strike it lucky, and second, we forgot to do the draw at the October transfer window because everyone was too busy drunkenly playing with the display-only cutlasses in the pub.”

Cup fixtures will be played during the following five weeks:

  • 16 December
  • 23 December
  • 30 December
  • 6 January
  • 20 January

Group/Pool A
Sporting Lesbian
Young Boys
Headless Chickens
Judean Peoples’ Front
Dynamo Charlton

Group/Pool B
Bala Rinas
KS West Green
Team Panda Rules OK
Just Put Carles

Group/Pool C
Cowley Casuals
Pikey Scum
Walthamstow Reds
Still Don’t Know Yet
Hoxton Pirates

Group/Pool D
St Reatham FC
Lokomotiv Leeds
Hairy Fadjeetas
FC Testiculadew
Fat Ladies

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Author: The chairman

Ascended to the chairmanship of the Jeff Kenna League Fantasy Football League in 2007 after co-founded the league in London in August 2005.