Sordell little secret

Marvin Sordell
‘Guys. Hey, you guys, I’m over here. Guys?’: Marvin Sordell has been overlooked by the Kenna apparatus (photo: Telegraph)

KENNA League blazers have admitted they didn’t know who Marvin Sordell was after it emerged the striker had not been scoring points for two months.

Until today no one at Kenna HQ noticed Sordell’s one start and three substitute appearances failed to contribute to the title efforts of St Reatham FC.

A leaked email from the charts and graphs department in response to an enquiry about the oversight read: “Sordell was down as a Leicester player, not sure why, probably because I don’t know who he is.”

Murmurs among managers in the league maintain Marvin Sordell was overlooked because his underwhelming performances and suggestive name make him sound less like a footballer and more like an adult film actor. Peter Ndlovu or Rod Fanni are two other such phenomenons.

Despite his lack of goals and perceived inclination to whip it out at the first sniff of innuendo, Sordell’s efforts have still seen St Reatham FC climb up on top of Cowley Casuals to third place in the table.

The St Reatham FC manager was unavailable for comment, but sources at the club say he’s welcomed the Sordell oversight in light of his continued efforts to avoid questioning from Surrey Police.

Having fled the to Switzerland in the aftermath of the brutal murder of a female Sky Sports News presenter on Chobham Common, the St Reatham boss is keeping a low profile for fear a semen test could link him to the crime scene.

Sordell wasn’t needed for St Reatham to win their group C – or pool C, depending on who you talk to at Kenna HQ – match in the opening round of the season’s Canesten Combi Cup competition this weekend. A Juan Mata notch was enough to overcome a goalless, and bottom of the table, Fat Ladies.

Pikey Scum featured in the cup’s biggest whooping so far, pulling down the pants of Still Don’t Know Yet 3-0.

Kevin Mirallas and the Scum strike partnership – known as ‘Costa del Crouch’ – all found the net.

Full results available in The Rub.

Cup results

16-Dec-14 Sporting Lesbian 0 0 Dynamo Charlton
16-Dec-14 Young Boys 0 0 Judean Peoples’ Front
16-Dec-14 Bala Rinas 1 0 Just Put Carles
16-Dec-14 KS West Green 0 2 Team Panda Rules OK
16-Dec-14 Cowley Casuals 0 0 Hoxton Pirates
16-Dec-14 Pikey Scum 3 0 Still Don’t Know Yet
16-Dec-14 St Reatham FC 1 0 Fat Ladies
16-Dec-14 Lokomotiv Leeds 2 0 FC Testiculadew

Kenna League table

Kenna table week 15 - 16 December 2014
Kenna table week 15 – 16 December 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 37 2
2 Pikey Scum Jack 35 3
3 Team Panda Rules OK George 33 2
4 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 32 0
5 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 31 2
6 St Reatham FC Mike 25 1
7 Judean People’s Front Sholto 25 0
8 Bala Rinas Lewis 24 1
9 Headless Chickens John N 23 2
10 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 23 2
11 Cowley Casuals Stu 23 0
12 Dynamo Charlton Alex 22 0
13 KS West Green Stix 19 0
14 Fat Ladies Ted 17 0
15 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 15 1
16 Piedmonte Phil 14 0
17 Young Boys Denney 13 0
18 Just Put Carles Carles 10 0
19 FC Tescticuladew James N 7 0
20 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 4 0
Points Player
Player of the week 12 Cazorla, S – ARS – MID
Club Headless Chickens
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Author: The chairman

Ascended to the chairmanship of the Jeff Kenna League Fantasy Football League in 2007 after co-founded the league in London in August 2005.