Bullets in the post

THE Kenna chairman has stepped up his personal security detail after setting managers the challenge of sending him the best death threat.

A missive from Kenna HQ was sent to managers this week reminding them the second transfer window will take place on Friday 5 February and asking them to send in their players to be released ‘in the form of a death threat…in order to claim the £10m transfer bonus’.

‘Merit will be awarded for creativity and menace,’ read the communique. ‘The best death threats will be featured on the blog.’

Over the last few seasons it has become traditional for managers to make their transfer submissions by post to Kenna HQ to claim a £10m boost to their war chests for the window.

Some managers struggled to comprehend the curious new instruction. The boss of league leaders Young Boys immediately replied to ask ‘is there an added bonus if any of us actually kill you?’

There were big shifts in the league this week. More mesmerising movement from Mesut Oezil saw Walthamstow Reds move up to second in the table at the expense of the treasurer’s side Bala Rinas. It was welcome a outcome for the overexposed Reds manager.

At the other end of the league, a performance of the week from Marko Arnautovic helped ISIL move from the bottom of the table.

ISIL’s Somali manager was moved to make the most phonetically-challenged tweet of 2015.

The Austrian winger is rumoured to have already registered the trademark ‘R-0’.

Kenna table – week 18

Kenna table week 18 - 29 December 2015
Kenna table week 18 – 29 December 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 71 3
2 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 64 2
3 Cowley Casuals Stu 63 2
4 FC Tescticuladew James N 56 1
5 Team Panda George 56 0
6 Headless Chickens John N 55 3
7 Newington Reds Ben D 54 2
8 Young Boys Andrew D 51 2
9 KS West Green Stix 51 1
10 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 49 1
11 Pikey Scum Jack 48 3
12 Dynamo Charlton Alex 44 2
13 Northern Monkeys Hugo 44 2
14 Judean People’s Front Sholto 43 1
15 ISIL Abdi 38 2
16 Thieving Magpies Phil 38 0
17 Bala Rinas Lewis 35 0
18 Carles Carles 33 2
19 Uncertain Pete B 18 0
Points Player
Player of the week 20 Arnautovic, M – STO – MID
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Chairman to refer to ‘moments of darkness’ in Christmas speech

THE Kenna chairman will refer to finding hope in ‘moments of darkness’, during his annual Christmas Day address.

It comes after a year which has seen a number of upsetting incidents, such as Fred ‘The Weatherman’ Talbot’s introduction to the league, the Adam Johnson hotel room scandal and the abduction of pundit Mark Bright.

The chairman will describe the festive period as “a time to remember all that we have to be thankful for now silent bidding has been successfully introduced into the August auction“.

This year’s message, produced by ITN, will be broadcast on television and radio at 15:00 GMT.

The chairman will say during his broadcast: “It is true that the Kenna has had to confront moments of darkness this year, but the Gospel of John contains a verse of great hope, often read at Christmas carol services: ‘The light shines in the darkness, and tactical Brambling has not overcome it’.”

Another masterful display from Riyad Mahrez saw Young Boys go 76 points clear at the top of the table for Christmas.

Narcozep Cup results

Real Threat 19 – 26 Pikey Scum
Young Boys 23 – 32 Hairy Fadjeetas
KS West Green 19 – 33 Headless Chickens
Newington Reds 29 – 31 FC Tescticuladew
ISIL 25 – 35 Team Panda
Lokomotiv Leeds 18 – 16 Bala Rinas
Thieving Magpies 14 – 19 Northern Monkeys
Judean People’s Front 29 – 36 Wandsworth Network Solutions

Narcozep Cup group standings

Narcozep Cup group standings - 22 December 2015

Kenna table – week 17

Kenna table week 17 - 22 December 2015
Kenna table week 17 – 22 December 2015

Weekly scores

Week 17 scores - 22 December 2015

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Boumsong named as face of 2016 Euros

JEAN-Alain Boumsong will be the figurehead of London’s leading pub-based Euro 2016 fantasy football competition, it was announced today.

The tournament, already known as ‘The Boumsong’, will see up to 20 managers battling it out to buy their eleven players at auction on Friday 10 June at 7pm, just one hour before France v Romania kicks off.

The format of holding a fantasy auction while the opening match is being played was successfully trialled for the 2014 Emerson World Cup.

Boumsong was chosen as figurehead both as a representative of the host nation and for his crucial role in the history of the Kenna League, according to organisers.

In a press conference this morning, the Kenna chairman explained: “Jean-Alain Boumsong is the perfect fit for next summer’s tournament. Yes, his Frenchness plays a part, but he was also one half of the Premier League’s most notorious centre back partnerships with Titus Bramble. This is at the centre of the values of the league.

“Titus Bramble is an important cultural figure in the Kenna, and his career is closely interwoven into the league’s history. But it all started with Boumsong.”

The Chroncile of the Bungle Brothers

Born in Cameroon, Jean-Alain Boumsong made an impressive impact with Le Havre, Auxerre and Rangers before coming to England in January 2005, eight months before the Kenna was founded.

In his first few matches, Boumsong appeared to warrant his £8m transfer fee, but things quickly unravelled…

At the inaugural Kenna auction in August 2005, none of the eight founding managers deemed the defender worthy of signing.

The Frenchman went on to collect 73 points that season, or at least enough for the Vazmanian Devils manager – the first ever female Kenna manager – to fork out £0.5m for his services at the August 2006 auction.

His Kenna career was short lived. Just two weeks into the campaign, having scored no points, he was sold to Juventus.

In an act of clemency never seen since, special dispensation from the league administration allowed the Vazmanian Devils manager to fill the gap in her defence with another player…

Vazmanian Devils – August 2006
R Green – WHU – £0.5m
R Ferdinand – MUN £19.5m
U De La Cruz – REA £0.5m
T Bramble – NEW – £0.5m (replaces Boumsong, week 3)
R Nelson – BLA – £0.5m
A Lennon – TOT – £21.5m
X Alonso – LIV – £13m
T Rosicky – ARS – £25m
M Ballack – CHE – £13m
R Vaz Te – BOL – £0.5m
JF Hasselbaink – CHA – £3m
Total £97.5m

In the November transfer window Bramble was released by Devils as part of a defensive clear out. It wasn’t enough to stop her finishing bottom of the league.

Titus Bramble went on to become the Kenna’s official forfeit player the following summer. His first posting was to the defence of Titus’ Titans.

The Titans manager is now in charge of Young Boys of Vauxhall, who extended their lead at the top of the Kenna this week with goals from Romelu Lukaku and Riyad Mahrez.

Kenna table – week 16

Full scores and table available from The Rub

Kenna table week 16 - 15 December 2015
Kenna table week 16 – 15 December 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 FC Tescticuladew James N 41 2
2 Young Boys Andrew D 35 3
3 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 34 0
4 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 31 1
5 Team Panda George 29 1
6 Cowley Casuals Stu 29 1
7 Dynamo Charlton Alex 28 0
8 Newington Reds Ben D 27 0
9 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 26 2
10 Thieving Magpies Phil 25 0
11 Bala Rinas Lewis 24 2
12 Pikey Scum Jack 24 1
13 Carles Carles 22 0
14 KS West Green Stix 20 1
15 Judean People’s Front Sholto 19 0
16 Uncertain Pete B 16 1
17 Northern Monkeys Hugo 16 0
18 Headless Chickens John N 16 0
19 ISIL Abdi 13 1
Points Player
Player of the week 10 Mahrez, R – LEI – MID
Club Young Boys
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Reds manager blown in alleyway

A KENNA League manager has been exposed trying to avoid the media spotlight for fear it would bring an end to his team’s run of form.

Walthamstow Reds are one of the few sides to climb the league since the October transfer window, where the manager made five new signings.

Over the last few weeks the Reds have gone from sixth to third place in the league and are second in Narcozep Cup group B after just one game, but the manager has been keen to keep a low profile.

In a leaked communique to Kenna HQ he said: “Have been desperately hoping that you continue to not write about me and that my creep up the table since the transfer window continues to go unnoticed.”

Unfortunately for the Reds, the manager’s plan went awry this week when he was spotted by a police patrol trying to escape the glare of top-flight football in an E17 alleyway in a hat, dark glasses, trench coat and upturned collar.

The Reds manager tried to explain his suspicious behaviour, saying it was nothing to do with the proximity of a local primary school but the promise of a maiden Kenna title. Waltham Forest’s finest were not convinced.

Desperate to prove his innocence, the manager went on to tell stoney-faced constables of Kasper Schmiechel clean sheets, Glenn Murray’s rebirth of form and ‘the importance of beating Young Boys‘.

He was taken to Chingford nick for further questioning.

Narcozep Cup – results

Carles 7 41 Young Boys
Pikey Scum 28 20 Hairy Fadjeetas
Uncertain 17 39 Newington Reds
Headless Chickens 15 20 FC Tescticuladew
Dynamo Charlton 15 31 Lokomotiv Leeds
Team Panda 27 31 Bala Rinas
Cowley Casuals 21 13 Judean People’s Front
Northern Monkeys 31 31 Wandsworth Network Solutions

Narcozep Cup – group standings

Group A
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Young Boys 1 41 7 34 3
2 Real Threat 1 34 21 13 3
3 Pikey Scum 2 56 52 4 3
4 Carles 2 39 69 -30 3
5 Hairy Fadjeetas 2 41 62 -21 0
Group B
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 FC Tescticuladew 2 43 -38 5 4
2 Newington Reds 1 39 -17 22 3
3 Uncertain 2 35 -56 -21 3
4 KS West Green 1 23 -23 0 1
5 Headless Chickens 2 32 -38 -6 0
Group C
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Bala Rinas 2 57 -52 5 6
2 Lokomotiv Leeds 1 31 -15 16 3
3 Dynamo Charlton 2 40 -45 -5 3
4 ISIL 1 25 -26 -1 0
5 Team Panda 2 41 -56 -15 0
Group D
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Cowley Casuals 2 40 -29 11 6
2 Thieving Magpies 1 24 -20 4 3
3 Northern Monkeys 2 47 -50 -3 1
4 Wandsworth Network Solutions 2 51 -55 -4 1
5 Judean People’s Front 1 13 -21 -8 0

Kenna table – week 15

Full tables and scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 15 - 8 December 2015
Kenna table week 15 – 8 December 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Young Boys Andrew D 42 4
2 Newington Reds Ben D 39 1
3 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 33 0
4 Northern Monkeys Hugo 31 2
5 Bala Rinas Lewis 31 1
6 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 31 0
7 Pikey Scum Jack 28 1
8 Team Panda George 27 2
9 ISIL Abdi 21 2
10 Cowley Casuals Stu 21 0
11 FC Tescticuladew James N 20 0
12 Thieving Magpies Phil 19 0
13 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 18 0
14 Uncertain Pete B 17 0
15 Dynamo Charlton Alex 15 0
16 Headless Chickens John N 15 0
17 KS West Green Stix 14 0
18 Judean People’s Front Sholto 13 0
19 Carles Carles 7 0
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Mahrez, R – LEI – MID
Club Young Boys
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Postcards from Spain

HE stared out of the window from his desk for some time.

It was hard not to be downcast. The season was drifting once again.

It was another disaster. He had little doubt about that as he looked over the training pitches at The Coop. And the seeds of failure had surely been sown in August.

Diego Costa. Diego fucking Costa. Fifty fucking million. That was supposed to buy goals, buy points. Instead the most exciting thing he got was a pink bib thrown in his general direction. He should have known. Never trust a man who can grow a beard during the course of a game.

Although at least Costa got a game. His other marquee signing had spent most of season on the sidelines. Vincent Kompany had only played three times since 1 September. With luck like this it was easy to see how his side were hanging above the relegation zone.

Was it luck? The more he pondered the clearer his own shortcomings in London pub-based fantasy football became. The highest ever finish he’d ever managed was ninth. All the rest had been in the teens it looked like going that way again unless he could make serious moves in the February transfer window.

The transfer window! Releasing Ronaldo (he cursed himself again. Ronaldo!) in favour of Cameron Jerome had been the one positive move he’d made this campaign. If you could call one goal in eight weeks positive.

Apart from Jerome the window hadn’t offered up any opportunities. Or was it his own tactical shortsightedness? He was sure there was something in his back four that needed attention, but he could never quite put his finger on it.

His reverie was interrupted by his secretary coming in with the post. He mumbled thanks and as she left the room idly riffled through the usual bumph of bills and death threats.

A postcard of the Santiago Bernabeu stadium stuck out. He’d been receiving one of these once a week since the start of the season. He sighed and turned it over.

‘TOSSER’ was written on the back. He fought back a tear and put it in the bottom drawer of his desk with the others.

One day he would get his hands on this prankster who called himself ‘Sergio Ramos‘.

Narcozep Cup fixtures

Just Put Carles v Young Boys
Pikey Scum v Hairy Fadjeetas
Uncertain v Walthamstow Reds
Headless Chickens v FC Testiculadew
Dynamo Charlton v Lokomotiv Leeds
Team Panda v Bala Rinas
Cowley Casuals v Judean Peoples’ Front
Northern Monkeys v Wandsworth Network Solutions

Kenna table – week 14

Full scores and tables available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 14 - 1 December 2015
Kenna table week 14 – 1 December 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Judean People’s Front Sholto 38 2
2 Carles Carles 32 1
3 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 31 1
4 Newington Reds Ben D 31 1
5 Thieving Magpies Phil 30 2
6 Team Panda George 29 2
7 KS West Green Stix 27 0
8 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 26 1
9 Dynamo Charlton Alex 23 2
10 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 23 1
11 Northern Monkeys Hugo 23 1
12 Pikey Scum Jack 22 1
13 Young Boys Andrew D 20 1
14 FC Tescticuladew James N 18 0
15 Bala Rinas Lewis 16 0
16 Cowley Casuals Stu 16 0
17 Headless Chickens John N 15 0
18 ISIL Abdi 13 0
19 Uncertain Pete B 5 0
Points Player
Player of the week 13 de Bruyne, K – MCY – MID
Club Lokomotiv Leeds
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Real snatch points from sorry Fadges

THE manager of Hairy Fadjeetas was left with some explaining to do after his side were battered by Real Threat in this weekend’s opening Narcozep Cup fixtures.

A Jamie Vardy slot was not enough and the Fadges were seen to clam up as Real thrust into the box over and over again until Jermaine Defoe and Manuel Lanzini both decisively drove it home.

Real midfielder Gerard Deulofeu beavered away to create two goals (the young Catalan was released by Cowley Casuals at last month’s transfer window in favour of Xedran Shaquiri, a signing yet to bear fruit).

Defeat is a huge gash in Fadges’ hopes of progressing to the knock out stage, and the honey pot at the end of a successful cup run.

There are murmurs at Bikini Lane should the manager not produce silverware this season he could face the axe. Wound up when confronted with rumours in the post-match interview, the manager of Fadges seeped with fluid vehemence.

“This kind of talk gets right up my chuff. It’s typical from fans. It’s such a fan-ny conclusion. They sit there eating their burgers and pies, and think they know how to run a top-flight football team.

“Where do people get the front? Bottom. That’s where this club would be if it wasn’t for me,” he said in one of the season’s most meaty flaps.

Shirt sponsors Volkswagen Group could pull their backing if results don’t improve.

“We’re still chewing it over,” said a VAG spokesperson.

Supporters groups have been highly critical of the manager’s outburst.

“He can’t go on attacking the fans this way and while the team’s form is so poor and results aren’t coming in, especially if financial backing is at stake,” said Poachers Glovebox, secretary of fans’ outfit Vagitarians.

“I can only see one outcome if he keeps up this sort of beef: curtains.”

Narcozep Cup – results

Carles 32 28 Pikey Scum
Real Threat 34 21 Hairy Fadjeetas
Uncertain 18 17 Headless Chickens
KS West Green 23 23 FC Tescticuladew
Dynamo Charlton 25 14 Team Panda
ISIL 25 26 Bala Rinas
Cowley Casuals 19 16 Northern Monkeys
Thieving Magpies 24 20 Wandsworth Network Solutions

Narcozep Cup – group standings

Group A
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Real Threat 1 34 21 13 3
2 Carles 1 32 28 4 3
3 Young Boys 0 0 0 0 0
4 Pikey Scum 1 28 32 -4 0
5 Hairy Fadjeetas 1 21 34 -13 0
Group B
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Uncertain 1 18 -17 1 3
2 FC Tescticuladew 1 23 -23 0 1
3 KS West Green 1 23 -23 0 1
4 Newington Reds 0 0 0 0 0
5 Headless Chickens 1 17 -18 -1 0
Group C
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Dynamo Charlton 1 25 -14 11 3
2 Bala Rinas 1 26 -25 1 3
3 Lokomotiv Leeds 0 0 0 0 0
4 ISIL 1 25 -26 -1 0
5 Team Panda 1 14 -25 -11 0
Group D
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Thieving Magpies 1 24 -20 4 3
2 Cowley Casuals 1 19 -16 3 3
3 Judean People’s Front 0 0 0 0 0
4 Northern Monkeys 1 16 -19 -3 0
5 Wandsworth Network Solutions 1 20 -24 -4 0

Kenna table – week 13

Kenna table week 13 - 24 November 2015
Kenna table week 13 – 24 November 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Judean People’s Front Sholto 47 4
2 Newington Reds Ben D 39 1
3 Carles Carles 32 2
4 Young Boys Andrew D 30 2
5 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 30 1
6 Pikey Scum Jack 28 2
7 Bala Rinas Lewis 26 1
8 Dynamo Charlton Alex 25 1
9 Thieving Magpies Phil 24 0
10 KS West Green Stix 23 1
11 FC Tescticuladew James N 23 1
12 ISIL Abdi 23 1
13 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 20 1
14 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 20 0
15 Cowley Casuals Stu 19 0
16 Uncertain Pete B 18 0
17 Headless Chickens John N 17 1
18 Northern Monkeys Hugo 16 1
19 Team Panda George 14 1
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Barkley, R – EVE – MID
Club Judean People’s Front
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Real Threat levels cup field

PREPARATIONS for this weekend’s first round of Narcozep Cup fixtures will be under extra pressure with the introduction of Real Threat.

Made up of the best unsigned players, Real Threat was introduced this season to make up numbers in the cup group draw.

With names like Jonny Howson, Philipp Wollschied and Chancel Mbemba, it’s hard to imagine any manager signing the Real Threat XI in the August auction without being ridiculed for lack of ambition.

Yet a points tally that would put them third in the table means the side are literally a Real Threat, particularly since this year’s cup will be measured on points scored in a week rather than goals.

Scraping up an average of around 20 points a week, Hairy Fadjeetas go into the Narcozep Cup group A curtain raiser this weekend as firm underdogs against the newcomers, who would average more than 30.

More managers will be concerned. Only Young Boys outscore Real Threat in group A, and just two qualification places are available.

All of which means Cowley Casuals or Dynamo Charlton could find themselves up against former players – their ‘rejects’ even – in a semi final showdown should Real Threat progress.

Most of all Kenna HQ concern levels could rise dramatically. If Real Threat go on to win the cup the managerial fallout will be apocalyptic.

“I’m not concerned,” said the chairman, eying his cocktail cabinet pensively before breakfast. “If Real Threat do somehow qualify, and admittedly it looks likely considering the opposition in group A, the team will be disbanded ahead of the second transfer window in early February and picked again after that.

“I’m sure after the second window managers will have signed all the best players ‘from the pot’. The managerial quality and foresight in the Kenna is….ah.”

Real Threat

Wayne Hennessey – Crystal Palace goalkeeper – 24 points
Gareth McAuley – West Brom defender – 41 points
Philipp Wollschied – Stoke defender – 31 points
Sebastian Prodl – Watford defender – 27 points
Chancel Mbemba – Newcastle defender – 25 points
Manuel Lanzini – West Ham midfielder – 38 points
Jonny Howson – Norwich midfielder – 37 points
Gerard Deulofeu – Everton midfielder – 37 points (formerly of Cowley Casuals)
Steven Davis – Southampton midfielder – 31 points
Jermaine Defoe – Sunderland striker – 34 points (formerly of Dynamo Charlton)
Wilfred Bony – Manchester City – 32 points (formerly of Cowley Casuals)

Total points: 366

Narcozep Cup fixtures – this weekend

Group A
Just Put Carles v Pikey Scum
Real Threat v Hairy Fadjeetas
Young Boys, rest week
Group B
Headless Chickens v Uncertain
KS West Green v FCT
Walthamstow Reds, rest week
Group C
Dynamo v Panda
ISILv Bala Rinas
Lokomotiv, rest week
Group D
Cowley Casuals v Northern Monkeys
Thieving Magpies v Wandsworth Network Solutions
Judean Peoples’ Front, rest week

Narcozep Cup – knockout stage

QF1: A1 v B2
QF2: A2 v B1
QF3: C1 v D2
QF4: D1 v C2
SF1: QF1 v QF3
SF2: QF2 v QF4

Kenna table – week 12

Kenna table week 12 - 10 November 2015
Kenna table week 12 – 10 November 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Thieving Magpies Phil 38 1
2 Newington Reds Ben D 29 1
3 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 29 1
4 Dynamo Charlton Alex 29 0
5 Team Panda George 28 1
6 Headless Chickens John N 28 0
7 Young Boys Andrew D 27 1
8 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 26 2
9 Northern Monkeys Hugo 25 1
10 FC Tescticuladew James N 25 1
11 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 23 0
12 KS West Green Stix 23 0
13 Bala Rinas Lewis 22 0
14 ISIL Abdi 21 1
15 Carles Carles 21 1
16 Judean People’s Front Sholto 19 0
17 Uncertain Pete B 19 0
18 Pikey Scum Jack 18 0
19 Cowley Casuals Stu 17 0
Points Player
Player of the week 9 Bertrand, R – SOT – DEF
Club KS West Green
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Managers react to Young Boys crow

FOOTBALL managers across England’s top flight prepared themselves for weeks of gloating as Young Boys of Vauxhall increased their lead in the Kenna League.

A brace from Ryad Mahrez and a goal from Romelu Lukaku meant the south London club put 27 points between them and closest challengers Bala Rinas.

For Kenna veterans, Young Boys’ dominance can only mean one thing: increased levels of crowing from the manager.

True to form, he took to social media platform Twitter yesterday….

Asked for his thoughts on the tweet in a press conference this morning, the Bala Rinas manager said: “My side is putting in good displays with Payet and Pelle playing well. We hope to chase down the leaders eventually, if only to shut the guy up.”

The Judean Peoples’ Front manager, fierce rivals of Young Boys, was more openly hostile: “Who does the Young Boys manager think he is? His team has played well for a third of a season in four years. It hardly constitutes managerial genius.

“The Mahrez signing was complete dumb luck, but he’s touting it around like it’s some sort of tactical foresight. Bellend.”

As a neutral observer, the Kenna chairman remained impartial: “Never trust a man with a toy horse racing set and an Italian girlfriend.”

Kenna table – week 11

Kenna table - week 11 - 3 November 2015
Kenna table – week 11 – 3 November 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Young Boys Andrew D 47 3
2 Thieving Magpies Phil 47 3
3 Pikey Scum Jack 43 3
4 Newington Reds Ben D 39 2
5 Bala Rinas Lewis 38 1
6 Dynamo Charlton Alex 32 1
7 Cowley Casuals Stu 31 1
8 Team Panda George 29 2
9 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 29 0
10 Judean People’s Front Sholto 28 1
11 Headless Chickens John N 23 1
12 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 21 0
13 Carles Carles 20 1
14 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 19 1
15 Northern Monkeys Hugo 19 0
16 KS West Green Stix 19 0
17 Uncertain Pete B 18 0
18 FC Tescticuladew James N 17 0
19 ISIL Abdi 5 0
Points Player
Player of the week 23 Kone, A – EVE – STR
Club Thieving Magpies
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Kenna blog awards snub

THE Jeff Kenna League chairman has expressed ‘shock and disappointment’ his efforts are not shortlisted in a prestigious blog awards. 

Arseblog and Caughtoffside are among the four blogs announced this week as finalists in the sports category of the inaugural Vuelio Blog Awards. The ceremony is to be held on Friday 27 November in the City of London.

The chairman said: “As the chronicler of London’s leading pub-based fantasy football league, I can only express shock and disappointment at not being recognised in these awards.

“We are at the forefront of (mostly) coherent blogs about fantasy football leagues, away from the mass marketing devices of national media. We are doing something new in a realm of the unexplored. We are literally penetrating white space.

“To be snubbed in this manner is inexplicable.”

From humble beginnings in The Old Bank of England on Fleet Street, ‘the Kenna’ – as it’s become known to managers – has risen to preeminence. In the summer the league celebrated its 11th anniversary.

Growing from just eight managers to around 20 in the last few seasons, the Kenna has provided a home for armchair tacticians with a passion for football and sitting in licensed premises for hours on end trying not get so drunk they forfeit their best player under the notorious Titus Bramble ruling.

Asked whether he will attend the black tie awards ceremony, the chairman said: “Well, at least those copycats from the Marion Pahars League haven’t been shortlisted either.

“And I suppose they’ll be serving a glass of fizz or two.”

Kenna table – week 10

Kenna table - week 10 - 27 October 2015
Kenna table – week 10 – 27 October 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Pikey Scum Jack 36 4
2 Thieving Magpies Phil 36 0
3 Dynamo Charlton Alex 33 2
4 Newington Reds Ben D 32 0
5 Young Boys Andrew D 31 0
6 Northern Monkeys Hugo 30 1
7 Cowley Casuals Stu 29 2
8 Carles Carles 28 3
9 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 23 1
10 Judean People’s Front Sholto 23 1
11 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 23 0
12 Bala Rinas Lewis 22 1
13 Team Panda George 21 1
14 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 17 1
15 KS West Green Stix 17 0
16 Uncertain Pete B 16 0
17 Headless Chickens John N 15 0
18 ISIL Abdi 13 0
19 FC Tescticuladew James N 12 0
Points Player
Player of the week 20 Kane, H – TOT – STR
Club Carles
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Kenna HQ under fire for ‘ambush cup draw’

A football manager’s wife has accused Kenna HQ of hijacking her birthday party with a cup draw.

As friends and family of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager’s better half gathered in The Roebuck, Borough, to celebrate her 30th natal day, the Kenna chairman was found to be making the group draw of this season’s Narcozep Cup in between complimentary glasses of prosecco and cursory raids on the finger buffet.

Mrs B could not contain her outrage on the night and stood on a chair to descry the league apparatus to stunned onlookers.

“Wat die hel doen jy, domkops? It’s supposed to be a special day for me, but you’ve ruined the whole evening with your second-rate cup contest.

“Sit jou kop in die koei se kont en wag tot die bul jou kom holnaai!” she raged at the chairman in a curious mixture of English and Afrikaans.

The managers of Lokomotiv Leeds, Hairy Fadjeetas and league leaders Young Boys were also caught up in the tirade.

Newlywed the Judean Peoples’ Front manager put in a typically slopey-shouldered display when it mattered most. He was outside having a cigarette and rejoicing in Welsh rugby.

Managers present were quick to jump to the defence of their chairman…

The chairman defended his decision to hold what the media has come to term an ‘ambush cup draw’.

“I can’t see what the problem is really. I’m here perfectly legitimately. I got a ticket from Robbie Earle,” he shrugged.

Backers Narcozep have taken a dim view of the incident, and are threatening to pull sponsorship.

For the first time, this season’s draw contains a dummy team – Real Fuck Up. The side will be made up of unsigned players and make up the numbers in group A.

Points rather than goals will decide fixtures in this year’s cup contest.

Narcozep Cup – group stage draw

Narcozep Cup group draw 2015
Narcozep Cup group draw 2015

Kenna League table – week 9

Kenna table week 9 - 20 October 2015
Kenna table week 9 – 20 October 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Cowley Casuals Stu 47 2
2 Northern Monkeys Hugo 42 4
3 Judean People’s Front Sholto 42 1
4 Newington Reds Ben D 41 1
5 Bala Rinas Lewis 40 2
6 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 38 4
7 Young Boys Andrew D 38 0
8 Headless Chickens John N 37 2
9 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 36 0
10 FC Tescticuladew James N 34 3
11 Carles Carles 31 1
12 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 29 1
13 Thieving Magpies Phil 25 0
14 Dynamo Charlton Alex 24 1
15 Uncertain Pete B 22 1
16 ISIL Abdi 21 0
17 Pikey Scum Jack 17 1
18 Team Panda George 16 1
19 KS West Green Stix 13 0
Points Player
Player of the week 22 Wijnaldum, G – NEW – MID
Club Northern Monkeys
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