Evans: Pirates pillaging my good name

CHED Evans has handed in his transfer request at Hoxton Pirates because he believes playing for the club is damaging his reputation.

Shadowy links to kidnappings, poor observation of Ramadan and militant extremist group Al Shabaab of the club’s Somali manager have been cited by Evans as reasons for the swell of negative public opinion surrounding the striker.

“My conscience is clear, so the only way I can explain how Brand Ched has come to be demonised in the media is through representing a club associated with religious oppression and general pillage on the high seas. I need to find a new club immediately,” said Evans, who has previous for trying to force a move.

Evans joined Hoxton Pirates as a forfeit at the October transfer window under the Titus Bramble ruling, after the manager had overspent his budget.

Outside the club’s Pitfield Street ground this morning, the Pirates manager resfused to be backed into a corner by his Welsh striker: “Yarrrrrr! The scoundrel needs to knuckle down instead o’ tryin’ to win the favours of ladies of the night in Charlie Wright’s International Bar by singing on the karaoke machine. If I be hearing Blurred Lines one more time he be gettin’ himself keelhauled.”

Several clubs are reported to be uninterested in the wantaway centre forward, who has also criticised Hoxton Pirates’ poor form this season for not providing enough of a challenge. The club is rooted to both the bottom of the Kenna League and, with one fixture remaining before the knockout stage, the foot of Canesten Combi Cup group C. The side has not scored a goal since 25 November.

For now the drought looks set to continue. The club’s other forward Mauro Zarate has failed to live up to what little promise brought the Argentine to England. A midfield of Matic, Januzaj, Ramirez and Wright-Phillips hardly screams ‘goals’.

The club will be looking to ring the changes come the February transfer window, and even without his attempts to pin down the manager Evans’ future at the club is doubtful. Perhaps there’s a role for the striker with Gavin Peacock.

Full scores, results and tables can be found in The Rub.

Canesten Combi Cup – group/pool stage round four results

06-Jan-15 Sporting Lesbian 3 2 Judean People’s Front
06-Jan-15 Headless Chickens 1 1 Young Boys
06-Jan-15 Bala Rinas 3 1 Team Panda Rules OK
06-Jan-15 Piedmonte 6 2 KS West Green
06-Jan-15 Cowley Casuals 7 3 Still Don’t Know Yet
06-Jan-15 Walthamstow Reds 0 1 Pikey Scum
06-Jan-15 St Reatham FC 0 8 FC Tescticuladew
06-Jan-15 Hairy Fadjeetas 3 4 Lokomotiv Leeds

Canesten Combi Cup – group/pool standings

Group A
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Sporting Lesbian 3 4 2 2 7
2 Young Boys 3 5 2 3 5
3 Headless Chickens 3 4 4 0 4
4 Dynamo Charlton 3 2 4 -2 4
5 Judean People’s Front 4 4 7 -3 1
Group B
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Bala Rinas 3 4 -1 3 7
2 Team Panda Rules OK 4 5 -4 1 7
3 Piedmonte 3 6 -3 3 4
4 Just Put Carles 3 1 -2 -1 2
5 KS West Green 3 2 -8 -6 1
Group C
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Pikey Scum 3 6 -2 4 9
2 Walthamstow Reds 3 6 -4 2 6
3 Cowley Casuals 3 8 -6 2 4
4 Still Don’t Know Yet 4 9 -13 -4 3
5 Hoxton Pirates 3 0 -4 -4 1
Group D
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Lokomotiv Leeds 3 11 -3 8 9
2 St Reatham FC 3 3 -9 -6 6
3 FC Tescticuladew 4 10 -6 4 3
4 Hairy Fadjeetas 3 7 -8 -1 3
5 Fat Ladies 3 1 -6 -5 3

Kenna table

Kenna table week 18 - 7 January 2014
Kenna table week 18 – 7 January 2014

 

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 FC Tescticuladew James N 88 8
2 Cowley Casuals Stu 75 7
3 Piedmonte Phil 67 6
4 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 63 3
5 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 60 3
6 Bala Rinas Lewis 53 3
7 Dynamo Charlton Alex 49 3
8 KS West Green Stix 49 2
9 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 47 3
10 Judean People’s Front Sholto 47 2
11 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 46 4
12 Team Panda Rules OK George 44 1
13 Just Put Carles Carles 43 2
14 Pikey Scum Jack 38 1
15 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 34 0
16 St Reatham FC Mike 32 0
17 Headless Chickens John N 25 1
18 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 23 0
19 Young Boys Denney 21 1
20 Fat Ladies Ted 6 0
Points Player
Player of the week 32 Berahino, S – WBA – STR
Club FC Tescticuladew
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Author: The chairman

Ascended to the chairmanship of the Jeff Kenna League Fantasy Football League in 2007 after co-founded the league in London in August 2005.