Fat Ladies manager resigns

Surgery Workshop 2012

They struggled to keep their composure when it turned out the patient had a back four of Philippe Senderos, Wes Brown, Christian Gamboa and Chico Flores (photo: Monash University)

THE Fat Ladies manager has quit his job blaming imminent surgery for his decision.

The Leamington Spa-born manager said he needed to get a pimple removed from his backside and that was why he had made the decision to leave the club, who are second bottom of the Kenna League.

“I need immediate surgery,” said the Fat Ladies manager. “I need my players to give their asses on the pitch. If I can’t give mine 100 per cent on the training field it’s better for someone else to take over.”

The manager’s rear end has taken one hell of a beating in this season’s Kenna, his team scoring just three goals in 22 weeks of the competition. Table toppers Sporting Lesbian have found the net 32 times in the same period.

Fat Ladies won the Kenna League in 2008, but after time away from football since being relegated in 2010 the manager has found it difficult adjusting to life back in the competition this campaign.

The club said in a statement today they needed a safe pair of hands to oversee the managerial transition. Some bloke who once got drunk and trashed the Blue Peter garden will take temporary charge.

There were reports the Fat Ladies manager was one game from the sack before his side scored a third goal of the campaign this week thanks to £35m Daniel Sturridge’s return from injury.

The club’s other goals came in week two, again from Sturridge, and from a Kevin Nolan strike nearly two months ago.

The Fat Ladies manager said the timing of his decision may look suspicious but added: “I know what people think – that I’ve been sacked, or stormed off because we couldn’t get the players in – but I can’t control what people think. There’s a pimple on my bum that needs medical care.”

The timing could not be worse for the club going into Saturday’s Kenna transfer window, the second and final chance for managers to freshen up their sides.

One player everyone will hope to avoid signing on the weekend is the league’s bête noire Titus Bramble. The out-of-work defender is awarded as a forfeit to anyone breaking auction rules.

When a photo emerged last night of Bramble apparently signing for Barcelona, the chairman was quick to spot the ruse.

Full scores and tables can be downloaded from The Rub.

Kenna table – week 22 of 37

Kenna table week 22 - 3 February 2014
Kenna table week 22 of 37 – 3 February 2014

Weekly scores





Walthamstow Reds Dudley   36   1


Piedmonte Phil   36   1


Headless Chickens John N   32   2


FC Tescticuladew James N   29   0


Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S   28   1


Judean People’s Front Sholto   27   0


Cowley Casuals Stu   26   1


Dynamo Charlton Alex   24   2


Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden   22   1


Sporting Lesbian Ben M   22   1


Still Don’t Know Yet Pete   21   1


Bala Rinas Lewis   18   1


Team Panda Rules OK George   17   1


Fat Ladies Ted   16   1


St Reatham FC Mike   16   0


KS West Green Stix   15   0


Pikey Scum Jack   11   0


Young Boys Denney   8   0


Just Put Carles Carles   8   0


Hoxton Pirates Abdi   8   0


Player of the week


Walters, J – STO – STR


Share Button

Author: The chairman

Ascended to the chairmanship of the Jeff Kenna League Fantasy Football League in 2007 after co-founded the league in London in August 2005.