Kenna invaded by ‘gun toting final solution crackpots’

Sholto final solution crackpot

THE top four of London’s leading pub-based fantasy football league is being overrun by right-wing reactionary Welshmen, according to organisers.

The chairman of the Kenna League said the top flight’s top flight had been invaded by ‘gun toting final solution crackpots’ from across the border.

“That Taff bloke who resembles the Scandy [sic]. Yeah, him. He’s a menace. What’s he doing in the top four again? He couldn’t manage his way out of a wetsuit,” said the chairman.

It is thought the comments were aimed at the Judean Peoples’ Front manager, who looks like steering his side to a second consecutive top four finish. He also looks like Norwegian mass murderer Anders Behring Breivik.

Photographed a few days ago sporting a Tyrolean hat, shotgun and the notorious ‘summer camp stare’ (above), the JPF boss claimed to have been responsible for the death of more than six million ‘cosmopolitan’ pheasants.

In the league, his strike rate has not been as impressive. A front two of Diafra Sakho and Nikica Jelavic have seen the goals dry up in recent weeks, but consistent if unremarkable industry across his starting eleven has put the club in third place.

Managed by the Kenna treasurer – another Welshman – Bala Rinas sit just behind in fourth.

The JPF manager will be hoping the finale doesn’t turn into a repeat of 12 months ago, when having occupied third for 13 successive weeks he was leapfrogged by the Bala Rinas manager in the penultimate round of the season.

Immediately after the end of the season Samir Nasri and an ill-timed visit to the lavatory at the second transfer window were blamed by the JPF boss for this misfortune.

The Breivik lookalike claims while he was on the throne pinching one off the Bala Rinas  manager was pinching the signature of the petulant Frenchman.

Full scores and tables available from The Rub.

Canesten Combi Cup quarter final second leg results

Team Panda Rules OK 1 (4) – 1 (1) Pikey Scum

Cowley Casuals 3 (3) – 1 (2) Walthamstow Reds

Just Put Carles 2 (2) – 0 (4) Dynamo Charlton

Hairy Fadjeetas 0 (1) – 5 (5) FC Testicualdew

Semi final first leg fixtures – Tuesday 5 May

Team Panda Rules OK v Cowley Casuals

Dynamo Charlton v FC Testiculadew

Semi final second leg fixtures – Tuesday 12 May

Cowley Casuals v Team Panda Rules OK

FC Testiculadew v Dynamo Charlton

Final – Tuesday 26 May

Go For Broke Cup (least goals wins)

Semi final first leg – Tuesday 21 April

Judean Peoples’ Front (Group/Pool A last place) v KS West Green (Group/Pool B last place)

Hoxton Pirates (Group/Pool C last place) v Fat Ladies (Group/Pool D last place)

Semi final second leg – Tuesday 28 April

KS West Green v Judean Peoples’ Front

Fat Ladies v Hoxton Pirates

Final – Tuesday 19 May

Kenna table – week 31

Kenna week 31 - 14 April 2015
Kenna week 31 – 14 April 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 FC Tescticuladew James N 46 5
2 Young Boys Denney 41 2
3 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 41 1
4 Cowley Casuals Stu 36 3
5 KS West Green Stix 36 2
6 Team Panda Rules OK George 34 1
7 Fat Ladies Ted 32 2
8 Judean People’s Front Sholto 32 0
9 St Reatham FC Mike 31 2
10 Bala Rinas Lewis 28 1
11 Just Put Carles Carles 26 2
12 Piedmonte Phil 25 1
13 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 24 0
14 Dynamo Charlton Alex 24 0
15 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 22 1
16 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 21 2
17 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 20 1
18 Headless Chickens John N 14 0
19 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 9 0
20 Pikey Scum Jack 7 0
Points Player
Player of the week 30 Benteke, C – AVL – STR
Club FC Tescticuladew
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Author: The chairman

Ascended to the chairmanship of the Jeff Kenna League Fantasy Football League in 2007 after co-founded the league in London in August 2005.