Pirates campaign worst ever

Sinking ship - credit: Auksinis Kardas

HOXTON Pirates’ campaign this season was the most godawful in Kenna League history, it was revealed today.

Picking up eight consecutive Turkey of the Month awards between October and May and a lowest ever points total, the outgoing Pirates manager saw the side relegated as he finished bottom of the Kenna table last month.

It is the second time the Somali has steered a club into the abyss of a non-existent Kenna second tier.

The performance was even more limp than PSV Mornington the season before, the previous record for gammon. The managers of Pirates, fellow relegatees Fat Ladies and the ill-fated PSV are the only ones to finish two campaigns in the drop zone.

“Yarrrr! I fight ye again another day!” said the defiant Somali who just refuses to go down with his ship.

The Kenna all time stats published today for the first time in two years (below), also show Young Boys of Vauxhall to have had to the driest season on record in 2013-14.

The YB boss used the services of five strikers during that campaign – Jonathan Walters, Nicholas Anelka, Sone Aluko, Emmanuel Adebayor and Lacina Traore. Between them they prodded in a paltry 16 goals.

Determined not to learn a lesson, the Welshman went on to sign Emmanuel Riviere and Bojan Krcic at last summer’s auction.

The last two transfer windows saw Young Boys go through a barren Mario Balotelli spell before rectifying matters with the signings of Charlie Austin and Daniel Sturridge. They ended up joint-second most prolific side this term.

Nevertheless, it’s clear the manager places little to no emphasis on proven strikers at the summer auction.

Looking to defend his league title in August 2011, he left the pub with a front two of DJ Campbell and Gervinho. FC Testiculadew went on to take the league with double the goals of Young Boys.

The Tactical Brambler still holds three records, although this year’s champions Sporting Lesbian came the closest to beating FCT’s mammoth 251-point December 2011 Manager of the Month award.

All time Kenna stats - 2005 to 2015
All time Kenna stats – 2005 to 2015
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Author: The chairman

Ascended to the chairmanship of the Jeff Kenna League Fantasy Football League in 2007 after co-founded the league in London in August 2005.