Sporting wins wheeler dealer award

Del Boy

KENNA champions Sporting Lesbian won the league before the season even started and were most effective on the transfer market, it was revealed today.

Comparing the starting lineups of each club from way back in August, Sporting and Cowley Casuals emerged as one and two – as they did last month in the league proper.

In the transfer market, the Sporting manager was also most efficient, on average getting another 54 points out of each signing when he released Paulinho and Pablo Hernandez in favour of Nathan Dyer and Ahmed Elmohamady.

The FC Testiculadew manager was next biggest transfer shark, coaxing an average of 42 points from each of the eight players acquired in October and February.

This remarkable feat transformed the fortunes of a manager who didn’t even turn up to the pre-season auction and started with an automatically-picked team including Torres and Podolski.

Snaffling Christian Benteke after a sloppy autumn invocation of the Titus Bramble ruling by Fat Ladies would prove to be a decisive boost for the Tactical Brambler.

The chairman’s side KS West Green was the most hampered by the manager’s transfer activity, primarily due to the costly forfeit of Sergio Aguero in the February window.

While replacement Bramble player Fred ‘The Weatherman’ Talbot put the chairman’s integrity beyond probity, he failed to address more pressing problems both in front of goal. KS West Green lost nearly 20 points for every piece of transfer business the manager conducted.

Kenna HQ critics claim the research is slightly spurious, since it doesn’t take into account any points scored early season by players no longer listed, such as Alvaro Negredo of Judean Peoples’ Front, Andre Scheurrle of Team Panda Rules OK, Joel Campbell of Hoxton Pirates and Davide Santon of Pikey Scum to name but a clutch.

“This research is in no way slapdash,” said the chairman on the pavement outside the Holborn Whippet to a media briefing attended by a Kenna PR flunky, an elderly couple on holiday from Winnipeg looking for directions to the British Museum, and Metro Man.

“This is merely an indication of how good or bad managers have performed in the transfer market. There may be a few discrepancies with numbers, so I’m sure when someone takes the time to work it all out they’ll find KS West Green were by no means the worst windowed team this season.”

Meanwhile, gossip is rife over the futures of the three relegated managers.

The former Hoxton Pirates boss is said to be interested in a move to either the Wenlock Bucaneers or Shoreditch Sea Shanty.

The ex Fat Ladies manager is considering a role either with the Morbidly Obese Matrons or Corpulent Crones.

The outgoing Still Don’t Know Yet gaffer is reported to be unsure of his future.

Kenna starting XI league 2014-15
Kenna starting XI league 2014-15

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Author: The chairman

Ascended to the chairmanship of the Jeff Kenna League Fantasy Football League in 2007 after co-founded the league in London in August 2005.