10 reasons to miss the Kenna League fantasy football auction

LONDON’S leading pub-based fantasy football auction takes place this Saturday afternoon.

Those taking part will tell you for the armchair manager it’s a unique experience unlikely to be found elsewhere.

Six hours of fierce bidding and fierce drinking to sign eleven Premier League players in the tried-and-tested 4-4-2 formation.

Last week we looked at reasons why managers should get involved, but what of those who shun the Kenna?

Here are 10 reasons why you wouldn’t take part.

1. You’re a Premier League manager

Jose Mourinho

Surely the reason not to take part in fantasy football management is if you have a job in real football management.

2. The other half is in charge of your diary


You’ve never liked her old school friend. Yet here you are in a rural village at her bloody wedding. Surrounded by people whose interest in football is comparable to the strength of your phone signal. It’s a cash bar three miles from the nearest hole in the wall. You curse your lack of initiative in domestic arrangements.

3. American dentists consider you good sport


Poached eggsHow did Cecil the lion have his eggs?

4. You don’t actually like football, you just pretend to because everyone else does.

Benoit Assou-Ekotto

Chipping into water cooler chats with the occasional ‘Costa is really suited to the English game’ is an easy way to stay in with the crowd. Spending six hours in a pub surrounded by football ‘bantz’ is unfettered torture.

5. Preparation for a slumber party.

Slumber party

Only four days until guests arrive and so much to do: bake cupcakes, buy two extra microphones for SingStar, try on every cotton hot pant/vest combo in the wardrobe before deciding on what to wear. Quite why a potential Kenna manager would invite several teenage girls to a sleepover is anyone’s guess…

6. Death in the family. Close family, mind. A cousin’s pushing it.

Funeral crasher

Who’s not only selfish enough to die, but gets buried on a Saturday too?

7. You’re an enemy of the Kenna

NKVDWhether it’s a gripe over league rules or a throwaway comment about the competence of the committee, several hours of ‘football reeducation’ in a soundproof room beneath Kenna HQ is never far away. The eyes, ears and agents of the manager experiences department are everywhere.

8. You’re a loser.

Kip Dynamite

Even taking part in a fantasy auction in public is too cool for you.

9. A life-changing windfall

Brewster's Millions

Let’s face it: the league’s annual investment in Premium Bonds has less chance of paying out than a Euromillions ticket. If one manager was that lucky winner this Friday, those new-found riches could be just enough to turn the head.

10. A specialist appointment

Bestd clinic

You tried to find out if you could prove number 10 wrong from last week, didn’t you?

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Author: The chairman

Ascended to the chairmanship of the Jeff Kenna League Fantasy Football League in 2007 after co-founded the league in London in August 2005.