Real snatch points from sorry Fadges

THE manager of Hairy Fadjeetas was left with some explaining to do after his side were battered by Real Threat in this weekend’s opening Narcozep Cup fixtures.

A Jamie Vardy slot was not enough and the Fadges were seen to clam up as Real thrust into the box over and over again until Jermaine Defoe and Manuel Lanzini both decisively drove it home.

Real midfielder Gerard Deulofeu beavered away to create two goals (the young Catalan was released by Cowley Casuals at last month’s transfer window in favour of Xedran Shaquiri, a signing yet to bear fruit).

Defeat is a huge gash in Fadges’ hopes of progressing to the knock out stage, and the honey pot at the end of a successful cup run.

There are murmurs at Bikini Lane should the manager not produce silverware this season he could face the axe. Wound up when confronted with rumours in the post-match interview, the manager of Fadges seeped with fluid vehemence.

“This kind of talk gets right up my chuff. It’s typical from fans. It’s such a fan-ny conclusion. They sit there eating their burgers and pies, and think they know how to run a top-flight football team.

“Where do people get the front? Bottom. That’s where this club would be if it wasn’t for me,” he said in one of the season’s most meaty flaps.

Shirt sponsors Volkswagen Group could pull their backing if results don’t improve.

“We’re still chewing it over,” said a VAG spokesperson.

Supporters groups have been highly critical of the manager’s outburst.

“He can’t go on attacking the fans this way and while the team’s form is so poor and results aren’t coming in, especially if financial backing is at stake,” said Poachers Glovebox, secretary of fans’ outfit Vagitarians.

“I can only see one outcome if he keeps up this sort of beef: curtains.”

Narcozep Cup – results

Carles 32 28 Pikey Scum
Real Threat 34 21 Hairy Fadjeetas
Uncertain 18 17 Headless Chickens
KS West Green 23 23 FC Tescticuladew
Dynamo Charlton 25 14 Team Panda
ISIL 25 26 Bala Rinas
Cowley Casuals 19 16 Northern Monkeys
Thieving Magpies 24 20 Wandsworth Network Solutions

Narcozep Cup – group standings

Group A
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Real Threat 1 34 21 13 3
2 Carles 1 32 28 4 3
3 Young Boys 0 0 0 0 0
4 Pikey Scum 1 28 32 -4 0
5 Hairy Fadjeetas 1 21 34 -13 0
Group B
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Uncertain 1 18 -17 1 3
2 FC Tescticuladew 1 23 -23 0 1
3 KS West Green 1 23 -23 0 1
4 Newington Reds 0 0 0 0 0
5 Headless Chickens 1 17 -18 -1 0
Group C
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Dynamo Charlton 1 25 -14 11 3
2 Bala Rinas 1 26 -25 1 3
3 Lokomotiv Leeds 0 0 0 0 0
4 ISIL 1 25 -26 -1 0
5 Team Panda 1 14 -25 -11 0
Group D
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Thieving Magpies 1 24 -20 4 3
2 Cowley Casuals 1 19 -16 3 3
3 Judean People’s Front 0 0 0 0 0
4 Northern Monkeys 1 16 -19 -3 0
5 Wandsworth Network Solutions 1 20 -24 -4 0

Kenna table – week 13

Kenna table week 13 - 24 November 2015
Kenna table week 13 – 24 November 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Judean People’s Front Sholto 47 4
2 Newington Reds Ben D 39 1
3 Carles Carles 32 2
4 Young Boys Andrew D 30 2
5 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 30 1
6 Pikey Scum Jack 28 2
7 Bala Rinas Lewis 26 1
8 Dynamo Charlton Alex 25 1
9 Thieving Magpies Phil 24 0
10 KS West Green Stix 23 1
11 FC Tescticuladew James N 23 1
12 ISIL Abdi 23 1
13 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 20 1
14 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 20 0
15 Cowley Casuals Stu 19 0
16 Uncertain Pete B 18 0
17 Headless Chickens John N 17 1
18 Northern Monkeys Hugo 16 1
19 Team Panda George 14 1
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Barkley, R – EVE – MID
Club Judean People’s Front
Share Button

Real Threat levels cup field

PREPARATIONS for this weekend’s first round of Narcozep Cup fixtures will be under extra pressure with the introduction of Real Threat.

Made up of the best unsigned players, Real Threat was introduced this season to make up numbers in the cup group draw.

With names like Jonny Howson, Philipp Wollschied and Chancel Mbemba, it’s hard to imagine any manager signing the Real Threat XI in the August auction without being ridiculed for lack of ambition.

Yet a points tally that would put them third in the table means the side are literally a Real Threat, particularly since this year’s cup will be measured on points scored in a week rather than goals.

Scraping up an average of around 20 points a week, Hairy Fadjeetas go into the Narcozep Cup group A curtain raiser this weekend as firm underdogs against the newcomers, who would average more than 30.

More managers will be concerned. Only Young Boys outscore Real Threat in group A, and just two qualification places are available.

All of which means Cowley Casuals or Dynamo Charlton could find themselves up against former players – their ‘rejects’ even – in a semi final showdown should Real Threat progress.

Most of all Kenna HQ concern levels could rise dramatically. If Real Threat go on to win the cup the managerial fallout will be apocalyptic.

“I’m not concerned,” said the chairman, eying his cocktail cabinet pensively before breakfast. “If Real Threat do somehow qualify, and admittedly it looks likely considering the opposition in group A, the team will be disbanded ahead of the second transfer window in early February and picked again after that.

“I’m sure after the second window managers will have signed all the best players ‘from the pot’. The managerial quality and foresight in the Kenna is….ah.”

Real Threat

Wayne Hennessey – Crystal Palace goalkeeper – 24 points
Gareth McAuley – West Brom defender – 41 points
Philipp Wollschied – Stoke defender – 31 points
Sebastian Prodl – Watford defender – 27 points
Chancel Mbemba – Newcastle defender – 25 points
Manuel Lanzini – West Ham midfielder – 38 points
Jonny Howson – Norwich midfielder – 37 points
Gerard Deulofeu – Everton midfielder – 37 points (formerly of Cowley Casuals)
Steven Davis – Southampton midfielder – 31 points
Jermaine Defoe – Sunderland striker – 34 points (formerly of Dynamo Charlton)
Wilfred Bony – Manchester City – 32 points (formerly of Cowley Casuals)

Total points: 366

Narcozep Cup fixtures – this weekend

Group A
Just Put Carles v Pikey Scum
Real Threat v Hairy Fadjeetas
Young Boys, rest week
Group B
Headless Chickens v Uncertain
KS West Green v FCT
Walthamstow Reds, rest week
Group C
Dynamo v Panda
ISILv Bala Rinas
Lokomotiv, rest week
Group D
Cowley Casuals v Northern Monkeys
Thieving Magpies v Wandsworth Network Solutions
Judean Peoples’ Front, rest week

Narcozep Cup – knockout stage

QF1: A1 v B2
QF2: A2 v B1
QF3: C1 v D2
QF4: D1 v C2
SF1: QF1 v QF3
SF2: QF2 v QF4

Kenna table – week 12

Kenna table week 12 - 10 November 2015
Kenna table week 12 – 10 November 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Thieving Magpies Phil 38 1
2 Newington Reds Ben D 29 1
3 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 29 1
4 Dynamo Charlton Alex 29 0
5 Team Panda George 28 1
6 Headless Chickens John N 28 0
7 Young Boys Andrew D 27 1
8 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 26 2
9 Northern Monkeys Hugo 25 1
10 FC Tescticuladew James N 25 1
11 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 23 0
12 KS West Green Stix 23 0
13 Bala Rinas Lewis 22 0
14 ISIL Abdi 21 1
15 Carles Carles 21 1
16 Judean People’s Front Sholto 19 0
17 Uncertain Pete B 19 0
18 Pikey Scum Jack 18 0
19 Cowley Casuals Stu 17 0
Points Player
Player of the week 9 Bertrand, R – SOT – DEF
Club KS West Green
Share Button

Managers react to Young Boys crow

FOOTBALL managers across England’s top flight prepared themselves for weeks of gloating as Young Boys of Vauxhall increased their lead in the Kenna League.

A brace from Ryad Mahrez and a goal from Romelu Lukaku meant the south London club put 27 points between them and closest challengers Bala Rinas.

For Kenna veterans, Young Boys’ dominance can only mean one thing: increased levels of crowing from the manager.

True to form, he took to social media platform Twitter yesterday….

Asked for his thoughts on the tweet in a press conference this morning, the Bala Rinas manager said: “My side is putting in good displays with Payet and Pelle playing well. We hope to chase down the leaders eventually, if only to shut the guy up.”

The Judean Peoples’ Front manager, fierce rivals of Young Boys, was more openly hostile: “Who does the Young Boys manager think he is? His team has played well for a third of a season in four years. It hardly constitutes managerial genius.

“The Mahrez signing was complete dumb luck, but he’s touting it around like it’s some sort of tactical foresight. Bellend.”

As a neutral observer, the Kenna chairman remained impartial: “Never trust a man with a toy horse racing set and an Italian girlfriend.”

Kenna table – week 11

Kenna table - week 11 - 3 November 2015
Kenna table – week 11 – 3 November 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Young Boys Andrew D 47 3
2 Thieving Magpies Phil 47 3
3 Pikey Scum Jack 43 3
4 Newington Reds Ben D 39 2
5 Bala Rinas Lewis 38 1
6 Dynamo Charlton Alex 32 1
7 Cowley Casuals Stu 31 1
8 Team Panda George 29 2
9 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 29 0
10 Judean People’s Front Sholto 28 1
11 Headless Chickens John N 23 1
12 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 21 0
13 Carles Carles 20 1
14 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 19 1
15 Northern Monkeys Hugo 19 0
16 KS West Green Stix 19 0
17 Uncertain Pete B 18 0
18 FC Tescticuladew James N 17 0
19 ISIL Abdi 5 0
Points Player
Player of the week 23 Kone, A – EVE – STR
Club Thieving Magpies
Share Button