THE Kenna chairman has stepped up his personal security detail after setting managers the challenge of sending him the best death threat.
A missive from Kenna HQ was sent to managers this week reminding them the second transfer window will take place on Friday 5 February and asking them to send in their players to be released ‘in the form of a death threat…in order to claim the £10m transfer bonus’.
‘Merit will be awarded for creativity and menace,’ read the communique. ‘The best death threats will be featured on the blog.’
Over the last few seasons it has become traditional for managers to make their transfer submissions by post to Kenna HQ to claim a £10m boost to their war chests for the window.
Some managers struggled to comprehend the curious new instruction. The boss of league leaders Young Boys immediately replied to ask ‘is there an added bonus if any of us actually kill you?’
There were big shifts in the league this week. More mesmerising movement from Mesut Oezil saw Walthamstow Reds move up to second in the table at the expense of the treasurer’s side Bala Rinas. It was welcome a outcome for the overexposed Reds manager.
At the other end of the league, a performance of the week from Marko Arnautovic helped ISIL move from the bottom of the table.
ISIL’s Somali manager was moved to make the most phonetically-challenged tweet of 2015.
@Br15land @jeffkennaleague @andenney is Arnoughtavic just a poor man’s zlatan. Discuss…
— abdi (@abdinw1) December 26, 2015
The Austrian winger is rumoured to have already registered the trademark ‘R-0’.
Kenna table – week 18
Weekly scores
| Manager | Points | Goals | ||
| 1 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 71 | 3 |
| 2 | Wandsworth Network Solutions | Will | 64 | 2 |
| 3 | Cowley Casuals | Stu | 63 | 2 |
| 4 | FC Tescticuladew | James N | 56 | 1 |
| 5 | Team Panda | George | 56 | 0 |
| 6 | Headless Chickens | John N | 55 | 3 |
| 7 | Newington Reds | Ben D | 54 | 2 |
| 8 | Young Boys | Andrew D | 51 | 2 |
| 9 | KS West Green | Stix | 51 | 1 |
| 10 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 49 | 1 |
| 11 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 48 | 3 |
| 12 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 44 | 2 |
| 13 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 44 | 2 |
| 14 | Judean People’s Front | Sholto | 43 | 1 |
| 15 | ISIL | Abdi | 38 | 2 |
| 16 | Thieving Magpies | Phil | 38 | 0 |
| 17 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 35 | 0 |
| 18 | Carles | Carles | 33 | 2 |
| 19 | Uncertain | Pete B | 18 | 0 |
| Points | Player | |||
| Player of the week | 20 | Arnautovic, M – STO – MID | ||
| Club | ISIL |
