Bullets in the post

The Telegarph: death-threat_1903897c

THE Kenna chairman has stepped up his personal security detail after setting managers the challenge of sending him the best death threat.

A missive from Kenna HQ was sent to managers this week reminding them the second transfer window will take place on Friday 5 February and asking them to send in their players to be released ‘in the form of a death threat…in order to claim the £10m transfer bonus’.

‘Merit will be awarded for creativity and menace,’ read the communique. ‘The best death threats will be featured on the blog.’

Over the last few seasons it has become traditional for managers to make their transfer submissions by post to Kenna HQ to claim a £10m boost to their war chests for the window.

Some managers struggled to comprehend the curious new instruction. The boss of league leaders Young Boys immediately replied to ask ‘is there an added bonus if any of us actually kill you?’

There were big shifts in the league this week. More mesmerising movement from Mesut Oezil saw Walthamstow Reds move up to second in the table at the expense of the treasurer’s side Bala Rinas. It was welcome a outcome for the overexposed Reds manager.

At the other end of the league, a performance of the week from Marko Arnautovic helped ISIL move from the bottom of the table.

ISIL’s Somali manager was moved to make the most phonetically-challenged tweet of 2015.

The Austrian winger is rumoured to have already registered the trademark ‘R-0’.

Kenna table – week 18

Kenna table week 18 - 29 December 2015
Kenna table week 18 – 29 December 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 71 3
2 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 64 2
3 Cowley Casuals Stu 63 2
4 FC Tescticuladew James N 56 1
5 Team Panda George 56 0
6 Headless Chickens John N 55 3
7 Newington Reds Ben D 54 2
8 Young Boys Andrew D 51 2
9 KS West Green Stix 51 1
10 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 49 1
11 Pikey Scum Jack 48 3
12 Dynamo Charlton Alex 44 2
13 Northern Monkeys Hugo 44 2
14 Judean People’s Front Sholto 43 1
15 ISIL Abdi 38 2
16 Thieving Magpies Phil 38 0
17 Bala Rinas Lewis 35 0
18 Carles Carles 33 2
19 Uncertain Pete B 18 0
Points Player
Player of the week 20 Arnautovic, M – STO – MID
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Author: The chairman

Ascended to the chairmanship of the Jeff Kenna League Fantasy Football League in 2007 after co-founded the league in London in August 2005.