Coach and Horses all dayer: report

The doors may not have been unlocked until 10 minutes after the advertised opening time, but Kenna managers were undeterred in their drinking session to watch the north London derby.

The manager of league leaders Young Boys arrived first in Stoke Newington.

The Welshman bought a Guinness, got a good table and by the time the Kenna chairman arrived was set up perfectly to gloat about his side’s dominance this season.

Sitting down with a pint of Staropramen, the chairman was then subjected to a lengthy complaint about the Young Boys’exit from the Narcozep Cup that week at the hands of league runners up Walthamstow Reds.

Reservations about holding the tie during a Rumbelows Cup final week were swept aside. Young Boys’ form has been so pitiful of late, the chairman asserted, it’s only their massive lead which has spared them losing the top league spot to Reds as well as a place in the Narcozep Cup semis.

Events in Bruce Grove were already well underway when the ISIL manager entered the pub.

Lately the Pirate has taken to turning up for beers in jogging tights and ordering OJ. This worrying trend continued on Saturday.

It was then the turn of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager to enter the arena. He looked wearier than his side’s chances of finishing outside the bottom half of the Kenna this season.

The JPF boss had still been up for dawn patrol earlier in the day, but within minutes of arriving he had smoked two cigarettes and had a handled glass of bitter in his hand. That’s the sort of form to see managers invited back to the Kenna again and again regardless of events on the pitch.

Punters red, white and neutral had filled the Coach and Horses by now, and the north London derby produced its usual fireworks.

By the time the match had finished, Kenna managers were a few pints in and the casual drinking rumbled on through Soccer Saturday and onto the final whistle of the evening fixture between Watford and Leicester City.

Whoever devised Saturday league football scheduling either must or should have shares in Staropramen.

Kenna table – week 28

Kenna table - week 28 - 8 March 2016
Kenna table – week 28 – 8 March 2016

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Pikey Scum Jack 62 4
2 Cowley Casuals Stu 61 5
3 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 60 3
4 Dynamo Charlton Alex 58 1
5 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 56 3
6 Bala Rinas Lewis 56 2
7 Headless Chickens John N 54 3
8 Young Boys Andrew D 52 3
9 KS West Green Stix 51 2
10 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 50 1
11 Thieving Magpies Phil 50 1
12 Carles Carles 46 2
13 Judean People’s Front Sholto 45 2
14 Newington Reds Ben D 45 1
15 FC Tescticuladew James N 41 0
16 Northern Monkeys Hugo 38 1
17 ISIL Abdi 37 0
18 Team Panda George 33 1
19 Uncertain Pete B 13 0
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Lennon, A – EVE – MID
Club Unsigned
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Author: The chairman

Ascended to the chairmanship of the Jeff Kenna League Fantasy Football League in 2007 after co-founded the league in London in August 2005.