An empire not built of Panama Paper

Boat girls

THE Kenna chairman has slammed the treasurer after it emerged the fantasy football league was NOT caught up in the Panama Papers tax avoidance scandal.

In a heated tirade behind closed doors, which has become the talk of Kenna HQ, a furious chairman was overheard upbraiding the treasurer for ‘inappropriate use of league funds’.

Rumour has it the chairman’s outburst came after he found the Kenna was not listed among leaked documents from offshore law firm Mossack Fonseca.

“Are you meaning to tell me,” the chairman boomed audibly from his office, “out of 11 million leaked documents from Mossack Fonseca there isn’t a single one relating to Kenna League funds?

“Do you think anyone runs football for the good of the game? Just look around you. That ‘squeaky-clean’ new Fifa president’s implicated. Lionel Messi’s implicated. Andy Cole’s implicated. Even Gabriel Heinze’s mother is implicated. Mrs fucking Heinze is fiddling the game better than me!

“I’ll be the laughing stock of the entire international footballing community.”

A secretary who overheard the rant relayed it word for word in the Kenna HQ break room, as colleagues took coffee from mugs printed with ‘The world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league’.

“I’m only running this tin-pot operation as a stepping stone to Zurich,” the secretary had the chairman continuing. “We have little-to-no probity and you’ve actually been responsibly managing league funds every season. What sort of football bean counter are you?”

The treasurer’s timid response was heard to be something about being told to invest in Premium Bonds.

“Told! Told!” spluttered an incandescent chairman. “Everyone knows you tell the public you’re investing in grass roots schemes. You tell the public you’re building a fucking orphanage. But meanwhile you actually hide the money with some linen suit in a tropical paradise to pay for the boats and the girls. That’s how football administration works. Boats! Girls! Linen suits!

“More than 10 years running this godforsaken enterprise, pandering to the whims of that shower we call managers and all I have to show for it is respectable bookkeeping. How am I supposed to look the Fifa ethics committee in the eye at the next Zurich lunch?”

The eavesdropping secretary added the Kenna chairman made her phone The Guardian and the BBC several times a day to check if he was included in the Panama Papers. Both media have now blocked the number.

All at Kenna HQ were so preoccupied with the chairman’s outburst, not one person remarked the Young Boys‘ lead had been cut further to 53 points this week by Walthamstow Reds.

Neither did comment pass that the latter still had a slim chance of achieving a league and cup double following a strong semi final first leg in the Narcozep.

Narcozep Cup – semi final first leg results

Pikey Scum 26 – 32 Lokomotiv Leeds
Walthamstow Reds 31 – 19 Dynamo Charlton

Semi final second leg fixtures: 26 April

Kenna table – week 32

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 32 - 12 April 2016
Kenna table week 32 – 12 April 2016

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Bala Rinas Lewis 41 3
2 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 38 2
3 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 32 0
4 Newington Reds Ben D 31 2
5 Carles Carles 28 2
6 FC Tescticuladew James N 28 1
7 Pikey Scum Jack 26 3
8 KS West Green Stix 25 1
9 Team Panda George 24 0
10 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 23 2
11 Judean People’s Front Sholto 22 1
12 Thieving Magpies Phil 22 0
13 Northern Monkeys Hugo 20 0
14 Dynamo Charlton Alex 19 0
15 ISIL Abdi 18 1
16 Headless Chickens John N 18 0
17 Cowley Casuals Stu 11 0
18 Young Boys Andrew D 10 0
19 Uncertain Pete B 10 0
Points Player
Player of the week 16 Carroll, A – WHM – STR
Club Unsigned
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Author: The chairman

Ascended to the chairmanship of the Jeff Kenna League Fantasy Football League in 2007 after co-founded the league in London in August 2005.