Boumsong declares war on ‘clipboard managers’

VanGaalTactics - UnitedRant

LONDON’S most prestigious Euros fantasy football competition will eradicate what it calls ‘clipboard management’, according to organisers.

More penalty drinks, variable formations and a mystery player draw are all being introduced to the 2016 Jean-Alain Boumsong European Cup auction to create an environment where ‘managers must fly by the seat of their pants’.

“Managers should be making impulse decisions, bidding on instinct and relying on their wits alone. I wouldn’t say they’ve become too wily – no one could make that accusation of any of this shower – but they have become too cautious,” said the chairman at a press conference this morning, in reference to a growing trend which prompted crisis talks in the upper echelons of Kenna HQ in February.

A marked decrease in managers triggering the league’s draconian forfeit procedure – the Titus Bramble ruling – has been observed over the last few domestic Kenna League events.

New rules announced for the Boumsong are being seen by many as a way of bringing more entertainment to the competition.

“The last two domestic auctions have seen slow bidding as managers hold up the auction checking stats on their cursed clipboards. Few managers are Brambling themselves and ‘Bramble Hour’ has disappeared completely,” continued the chairman in reference to the stage in an auction when alcohol begins to get the better of people’s judgement.

“Just compare that to the Olisabede.”

One manager Brambled himself so many times he resigned halfway through the evening, another began Brambling himself on purpose and everyone nearly came to blows. The chairman was, of course, referring to the 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe Euros auction that took place four years ago yesterday.

He was eager to point out he was not condoning the dark art of tactical Brambling. League legislation since 2012 has seen the practice all but wiped out.

Nevertheless, those present at the last Euros auction recall how the atmosphere changed after everyone downed a shot of tequila.

“We will introduce more official shot drinking to the Boumsong to impede decision making,” decreed the chairman, slamming both his fist on the table and a glass of Mezcal.

In addition to a round of shorts just before the start of the auction, organisers confirmed everyone present will neck another drink when England striker Jamie Vardy is introduced to bidding by the random player generator.

“He’s having a party,” explained the chairman, refilling his glass.

Further rule changes dictate anyone Brambling will have to buy a shot for themselves and for the manager who bought the preceding player. Both managers cannot take part in the auction again until they’ve seen off those draughts.

Another source of confusion will be the introduction of variable team formations.

Having traditionally prescribed a 4-4-2 or 4-3-3 formation, organisers have finally bowed to the tactical flexibility that sees many international sides play with less strikers.

Managers will now have the choice of 4-3-3, 4-4-2, 4-5-1, 5-3-2, 5-4-1, 3-5-2 or 3-4-3. Formations do not have to be declared in advance, but participants should remember only one player of each nationality is permitted in each team.

There must be enough in the £100m managerial budget to spend at least £0.5m on each signing too.

Finally, there were hints at the press conference of a mystery player draw. Details are scant, mainly because the chairman was beginning to lose his grip on the day.

“Yous jusss have to way nnn seee. Kuntz, facking Kuntz,” slurred the chairman, in what everyone politely took as a nod to either the auction dress code or the international meanderings of Jack Wilshere.

The auction will take place on the evening of Friday 10 June in the Hoop and Grapes on Farringdon Road, scene of last August’s Kenna auction.

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Author: The chairman

Ascended to the chairmanship of the Jeff Kenna League Fantasy Football League in 2007 after co-founded the league in London in August 2005.