IT wasn’t quite one of David De Gea’s nonconsensual sex parties, but Jean-Alain Boumsong fantasy Euros auction organisers were pleased with Friday night’s event.
News of De Gea’s alleged indiscretions rocked managers early doors. The chief concerns were whether he would start for Spain, and whether managers who knew about the revelations could keep it from those who did not.
In the end, Wandsworth Window Lickers would have the last laugh. Unsure why he was picking up the goalkeeper for a paltry £3m, the WWL manager saw De Gea collect his first clean sheet of the Boumsong earlier this afternoon.
Thomas Muller was the evening’s most expensive player. The Sporting Lesbians manager snapped him up for £40m.
Ronaldo (£39m) was the second priciest player, bought by L’Horn d’Afrique.
Immediately after managers watched him score on the Hoop and Grapes balcony television set, Olivier Giroud became the evening’s third most expensive signing.
The Frenchman was signed by the Democratic Republic of Young Boys manager for £34m.
Harry Kane was the evening’s most valuable Englishman. Sadly, for the Cowley Caliphate manager there are no points for bad corners.
A total of 12 managers congregated for the four-hour auction. The treasurer followed the auction live on Periscope.
More than 160 other Periscope users tuned into the action, before realising it was just a bunch of blokes in the pub, drinking heavily in replica international shirts.
A bit like Marseille before Russians with fireworks and balaclavas turned up.
Boumsong auction sales – by value
| Lot number | PlayTeamPos | Manager | Team Name | Cost £m |
| 46 | Muller, T – GER – STR | Ben M | Sporting Lesbian’s | 40 |
| 16 | Ronaldo, C – POT – STR | Abdi | L’ Horn d’ Afrque | 39 |
| 74 | Giroud, O – FRA – STR | Andrew D | Democratic Republic of Young Boys | 34 |
| 21 | Kane, H – ENG – STR | Stu | Cowley Caliphate | 30 |
| 43 | Rooney, W – ENG – STR | Andrew D | Democratic Republic of Young Boys | 29 |
| 49 | Hazard, E – BEL – MID | Ben M | Sporting Lesbian’s | 29 |
| 6 | Lukaku, R – BEL – STR | James N | FC TesticuladewLand | 25 |
| 72 | Ozil, M – GER – MID | Ben D | Blame Canada | 25 |
| 62 | Lewandowski, R – POL – STR | Sholto | Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s | 24 |
| 7 | de Bruyne, K – BEL – MID | Lewis | I can be you euro baby | 23 |
| 79 | Pogba, P – FRA – MID | Ben | Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds | 23 |
| 51 | Silva, D – ESP – MID | Luke | Dulwhich Red Sox | 22 |
| 185 | Silva, D – ESP – MID | Luke | Dulwhich Red Sox | 22 |
| 13 | Morata, A – ESP – STR | Stix | Napoleon Dynorod | 20 |
| 19 | Alli, D – ENG – MID | Jack | Up Yours Delors | 20 |
| 131 | Nolito – ESP – STR | Kike | Asturius FC | 20 |
| 134 | Rami, A – FRA – DEF | Jack | Up Yours Delors | 20 |
| 47 | Bale, G – WAL – MID | Spencer | 2 Goals One Cup | 19 |
| 88 | Griezmann, A – FRA – STR | James N | FC TesticuladewLand | 19 |
| 39 | Ibrahimovic, Z – SWE – STR | Jorge | Barco FC | 18 |
| 45 | Pique, G – ESP – DEF | Jack | Up Yours Delors | 18 |
| 5 | Koscielny, L – FRA – DEF | Kike | Asturius FC | 17 |
| 17 | Chiellini, G – ITA – DEF | Spencer | 2 Goals One Cup | 17 |
| 26 | Vardy, J – ENG – STR | Will | Wandsworth Window Lickers | 17 |
| 28 | Alba, J – ESP – DEF | Ben D | Blame Canada | 17 |
| 11 | Hamsik, M – SVK – MID | Lewis | I can be you euro baby | 16 |
| 40 | Rakitic, I – CRO – MID | Kike | Asturius FC | 16 |
| 48 | Neuer, M – GER – GK | James N | FC TesticuladewLand | 16 |
| 53 | Ramos, S – ESP – DEF | Ben | Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds | 16 |
| 89 | Gomez, M – GER – STR | Stu | Cowley Caliphate | 16 |
| 92 | Gotze, M – GER – MID | Kike | Asturius FC | 16 |
| 31 | Kroos, T – GER – MID | Stix | Napoleon Dynorod | 15 |
| 91 | Perisic, I – CRO – MID | Spencer | 2 Goals One Cup | 15 |
| 126 | Bonucci, L – ITA – DEF | Andrew D | Democratic Republic of Young Boys | 15 |
| 155 | Juanfran – ESP – DEF | Stix | Napoleon Dynorod | 15 |
| 4 | Hummels, M – GER – DEF | Jorge | Barco FC | 14 |
| 24 | Payet, D – FRA – MID | Abdi | L’ Horn d’ Afrque | 14 |
| 30 | Hector, J – GER – DEF | Sholto | Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s | 14 |
| 42 | Courtois, T – BEL – GK | Jorge | Barco FC | 14 |
| 57 | Boateng, J – GER – DEF | Will | Wandsworth Window Lickers | 14 |
| 10 | Modric, L – CRO – MID | Jorge | Barco FC | 13 |
| 12 | Nani – POT – MID | Jack | Up Yours Delors | 13 |
| 37 | Sturridge, D – ENG – STR | Luke | Dulwhich Red Sox | 13 |
| 56 | Alderweireld, T – BEL – DEF | Sholto | Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s | 13 |
| 61 | Shaqiri, X – SUI – MID | Spencer | 2 Goals One Cup | 13 |
| 123 | Fellaini, M – BEL – MID | Pete B | Real Brexit | 13 |
| 161 | Alcantara, T – ESP – MID | James N | FC TesticuladewLand | 13 |
| 22 | Buffon, G – ITA – GK | Ben D | Blame Canada | 12 |
| 34 | Dzyuba, A – RUS – STR | Pete B | Real Brexit | 12 |
| 64 | Arnautovic, M – AUT – MID | Ben | Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds | 12 |
| 121 | Mertens, D – BEL – MID | Ben | Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds | 12 |
| 136 | Alli, D – ENG – MID | Spencer | 2 Goals One Cup | 12 |
| 1 | Iniesta, A – ESP – MID | Stu | Cowley Caliphate | 11 |
| 9 | Coman, K – FRA – MID | Will | Wandsworth Window Lickers | 11 |
| 15 | Mertens, D – BEL – MID | Stu | Cowley Caliphate | 11 |
| 29 | Darmian, M – ITA – DEF | Ben | Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds | 11 |
| 66 | Alaba, D – AUT – MID | Ben D | Blame Canada | 11 |
| 68 | Evra, P – FRA – DEF | Ben D | Blame Canada | 11 |
| 70 | Sterling, R – ENG – MID | Jorge | Barco FC | 11 |
| 75 | Patricio, R – POT – GK | Kike | Asturius FC | 11 |
| 86 | Mandzukic, M – CRO – STR | Stix | Napoleon Dynorod | 11 |
| 97 | Milik, A – POL – STR | Ben D | Blame Canada | 11 |
| 107 | Lichtsteiner, S – SUI – DEF | Stu | Cowley Caliphate | 11 |
| 2 | Pelle, G – ITA – STR | Jorge | Barco FC | 10 |
| 3 | Chester, J – WAL – DEF | Will | Wandsworth Window Lickers | 10 |
| 41 | Janko, M – AUT – STR | Lewis | I can be you euro baby | 10 |
| 44 | Walker, K – ENG – DEF | Ben D | Blame Canada | 10 |
| 55 | Vertonghen, J – BEL – DEF | Jack | Up Yours Delors | 10 |
| 71 | De Sciglio, M – ITA – DEF | Kike | Asturius FC | 10 |
| 78 | Casillas, I – ESP – GK | Andrew D | Democratic Republic of Young Boys | 10 |
| 82 | Smalling, C – ENG – DEF | Lewis | I can be you euro baby | 10 |
| 93 | Sigurdsson, G – ICE – MID | Pete B | Real Brexit | 10 |
| 112 | Candreva, A – ITA – MID | Stu | Cowley Caliphate | 10 |
| 133 | Edwards, D – WAL – MID | Jack | Up Yours Delors | 10 |
| 144 | Lallana, A – ENG – MID | Jack | Up Yours Delors | 10 |
| 173 | Calhanoglu, H – TUR – MID | Stix | Napoleon Dynorod | 10 |
| 33 | Stones, J – ENG – DEF | Abdi | L’ Horn d’ Afrque | 9 |
| 52 | Rose, D – ENG – DEF | Sholto | Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s | 9 |
| 63 | Moutinho, J – POT – MID | Will | Wandsworth Window Lickers | 9 |
| 73 | Cech, P – CZE – GK | Jack | Up Yours Delors | 9 |
| 77 | Sagna, B – FRA – DEF | Stix | Napoleon Dynorod | 9 |
| 81 | Vermaelen, T – BEL – DEF | Spencer | 2 Goals One Cup | 9 |
| 83 | Fabregas, C – ESP – MID | Sholto | Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s | 9 |
| 85 | Hart, J – ENG – GK | Stix | Napoleon Dynorod | 9 |
| 100 | Howedes, B – GER – DEF | Lewis | I can be you euro baby | 9 |
| 76 | Busquets, S – ESP – MID | Pete B | Real Brexit | 8 |
| 94 | Turan, A – TUR – MID | James N | FC TesticuladewLand | 8 |
| 130 | Rodriguez, R – SUI – DEF | Pete B | Real Brexit | 8 |
| 8 | El Shaarawy, S – ITA – STR | Sholto | Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s | 7 |
| 20 | Srna, D – CRO – DEF | Ben | Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds | 7 |
| 98 | Rosicky, T – CZE – MID | Abdi | L’ Horn d’ Afrque | 7 |
| 106 | Soares, C – POT – DEF | Stu | Cowley Caliphate | 7 |
| 108 | Skrtel, M – SVK – DEF | Abdi | L’ Horn d’ Afrque | 7 |
| 142 | Draxler, J – GER – MID | Ben | Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds | 7 |
| 60 | Aduriz, A – ESP – STR | Jorge | Barco FC | 6 |
| 109 | Quaresma, R – POT – MID | Jorge | Barco FC | 6 |
| 14 | Shevchuk, V – UKR – DEF | Pete B | Real Brexit | 5 |
| 27 | Yarmolenko, A – UKR – STR | James N | FC TesticuladewLand | 5 |
| 32 | Long, S – IRL – STR | Abdi | L’ Horn d’ Afrque | 5 |
| 54 | Martial, A – FRA – STR | Stu | Cowley Caliphate | 5 |
| 58 | Cahill, G – ENG – DEF | James N | FC TesticuladewLand | 5 |
| 59 | Ramsey, A – WAL – MID | Abdi | L’ Horn d’ Afrque | 5 |
| 65 | Williams, A – WAL – DEF | Ben M | Sporting Lesbian’s | 5 |
| 69 | Limbersky, D – CZE – DEF | Stix | Napoleon Dynorod | 5 |
| 87 | Pepe – POT – DEF | Stix | Napoleon Dynorod | 5 |
| 104 | Akinfeev, I – RUS – GK | Ben | Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds | 5 |
| 113 | Glik, K – POL – DEF | Jack | Up Yours Delors | 5 |
| 145 | Khedira, S – GER – MID | Spencer | 2 Goals One Cup | 5 |
| 152 | McCarthy, J – IRL – MID | Kike | Asturius FC | 5 |
| 25 | Khacheridi, Y – UKR – DEF | Spencer | 2 Goals One Cup | 4 |
| 38 | Matuidi, B – FRA – MID | Sholto | Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s | 4 |
| 102 | Fuchs, C – AUT – DEF | Abdi | L’ Horn d’ Afrque | 4 |
| 103 | Silva, R – POT – MID | Sholto | Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s | 4 |
| 138 | Pekarik, P – SVK – DEF | Jorge | Barco FC | 4 |
| 18 | de Gea, D – ESP – GK | Will | Wandsworth Window Lickers | 3 |
| 80 | Stancu, B – RMN – STR | Luke | Dulwhich Red Sox | 3 |
| 95 | Koke – ESP – MID | Abdi | L’ Horn d’ Afrque | 3 |
| 111 | Coleman, S – IRL – DEF | Stu | Cowley Caliphate | 3 |
| 118 | Blaszczykowski, J – POL – MID | Andrew D | Democratic Republic of Young Boys | 3 |
| 119 | Seferovic, H – SUI – STR | Jack | Up Yours Delors | 3 |
| 148 | Djourou, J – SUI – DEF | Stix | Napoleon Dynorod | 3 |
| 150 | Danilo – POT – DEF | Pete B | Real Brexit | 3 |
| 67 | Granqvist, A – SWE – DEF | Sholto | Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s | 2 |
| 84 | Lloris, H – FRA – GK | Spencer | 2 Goals One Cup | 2 |
| 96 | Tatarusanu, C – RMN – GK | Pete B | Real Brexit | 2 |
| 114 | Krychowiak, G – POL – MID | Jorge | Barco FC | 2 |
| 116 | Fabianski, L – POL – GK | Abdi | L’ Horn d’ Afrque | 2 |
| 132 | Florenzi, A – ITA – MID | Will | Wandsworth Window Lickers | 2 |
| 149 | Schar, F – SUI – DEF | Jorge | Barco FC | 2 |
| 158 | Forsberg, E – SWE – MID | Lewis | I can be you euro baby | 2 |
| 23 | Insigne, L – ITA – STR | Ben M | Sporting Lesbian’s | 1 |
| 35 | Kaderabek, P – CZE – DEF | Will | Wandsworth Window Lickers | 1 |
| 36 | Yilmaz, B – TUR – STR | Ben D | Blame Canada | 1 |
| 50 | Lafferty, K – NIR – STR | Pete B | Real Brexit | 1 |
| 90 | Origi, D – BEL – STR | Kike | Asturius FC | 1 |
| 105 | De Rossi, D – ITA – MID | Jack | Up Yours Delors | 1 |
| 124 | Prodl, S – AUT – DEF | Will | Wandsworth Window Lickers | 1 |
| 137 | De Rossi, D – ITA – MID | Jack | Up Yours Delors | 1 |
| 139 | Konoplyanka, Y – UKR – MID | Ben D | Blame Canada | 1 |
| 140 | Almer, R – AUT – GK | Ben M | Sporting Lesbian’s | 1 |
| 160 | Denayer, J – BEL – DEF | Andrew D | Democratic Republic of Young Boys | 1 |
| 177 | Kovacic, M – CRO – MID | Lewis | I can be you euro baby | 1 |
| 99 | Olsson, M – SWE – DEF | Abdi | L’ Horn d’ Afrque | 0.5 |
| 101 | Podolski, L – GER – STR | Luke | Dulwhich Red Sox | 0.5 |
| 110 | Walters, J – IRL – STR | Jack | Up Yours Delors | 0.5 |
| 115 | Keane, R – IRL – STR | Spencer | 2 Goals One Cup | 0.5 |
| 117 | Barzagli, A – ITA – DEF | Luke | Dulwhich Red Sox | 0.5 |
| 120 | Evans, J – NIR – DEF | Ben | Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds | 0.5 |
| 122 | Inan, S – TUR – MID | Pete B | Real Brexit | 0.5 |
| 125 | Pyatov, A – UKR – GK | Sholto | Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s | 0.5 |
| 127 | Sivok, T – CZE – DEF | Kike | Asturius FC | 0.5 |
| 128 | Sanches, R – POT – MID | Luke | Dulwhich Red Sox | 0.5 |
| 129 | Kokorin, A – RUS – STR | Sholto | Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s | 0.5 |
| 135 | Dier, E – ENG – MID | Kike | Asturius FC | 0.5 |
| 141 | Nainggolan, R – BEL – MID | Will | Wandsworth Window Lickers | 0.5 |
| 143 | Okotie, R – AUT – MID | Kike | Asturius FC | 0.5 |
| 146 | Shirokov, R – RUS – MID | Luke | Dulwhich Red Sox | 0.5 |
| 147 | Schweinsteiger, B – GER – MID | Andrew D | Democratic Republic of Young Boys | 0.5 |
| 151 | Dragovic, A – AUT – DEF | Luke | Dulwhich Red Sox | 0.5 |
| 153 | Hennessey, W – WAL – GK | Stu | Cowley Caliphate | 0.5 |
| 154 | Guerreiro, R – POT – DEF | Ben | Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds | 0.5 |
| 156 | Mario, J – POT – MID | Andrew D | Democratic Republic of Young Boys | 0.5 |
| 157 | Berg, M – SWE – STR | Spencer | 2 Goals One Cup | 0.5 |
| 159 | Mignolet, S – BEL – GK | Luke | Dulwhich Red Sox | 0.5 |
| 162 | Rashford, M – ENG – STR | Pete B | Real Brexit | 0.5 |
| 163 | Taylor, N – WAL – DEF | Lewis | I can be you euro baby | 0.5 |
| 164 | Mangala, E – FRA – DEF | Luke | Dulwhich Red Sox | 0.5 |
| 165 | Chiriches, V – RMN – DEF | Ben M | Sporting Lesbian’s | 0.5 |
| 166 | Nemec, A – SVK – STR | Andrew D | Democratic Republic of Young Boys | 0.5 |
| 167 | Alves, B – POT – DEF | Spencer | 2 Goals One Cup | 0.5 |
| 168 | Alves, B – POT – DEF | Ben D | Blame Canada | 0.5 |
| 169 | Rat, R – RMN – DEF | Andrew D | Democratic Republic of Young Boys | 0.5 |
| 170 | Larsson, S – SWE – MID | Stix | Napoleon Dynorod | 0.5 |
| 171 | Weiss, V – SVK – MID | Ben M | Sporting Lesbian’s | 0.5 |
| 172 | Harnik, M – AUT – MID | Andrew D | Democratic Republic of Young Boys | 0.5 |
| 174 | Klein, F – AUT – MID | Stix | Napoleon Dynorod | 0.5 |
| 175 | Xhaka, G – SUI – MID | Ben | Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds | 0.5 |
| 176 | Mehmedi, A – SUI – STR | Ben D | Blame Canada | 0.5 |
| 178 | Subasic, D – CRO – GK | Lewis | I can be you euro baby | 0.5 |
| 179 | Kalinic, N – CRO – STR | Stix | Napoleon Dynorod | 0.5 |
| 180 | Silva, A – POT – MID | Lewis | I can be you euro baby | 0.5 |
| 181 | Corluka, V – CRO – DEF | James N | FC TesticuladewLand | 0.5 |
| 182 | Piszczek, L – POL – DEF | James N | FC TesticuladewLand | 0.5 |
| 183 | Zielinski, P – POL – MID | Ben M | Sporting Lesbian’s | 0.5 |
| 184 | Sigthorsson, K – ICE – STR | Ben M | Sporting Lesbian’s | 0.5 |
| 186 | Dzsudzsak, B – HUN – MID | James N | FC TesticuladewLand | 0.5 |
| 187 | Kucka, J – SVK – MID | James N | FC TesticuladewLand | 0.5 |
| 188 | Nemec, A – SVK – STR | Andrew D | Democratic Republic of Young Boys | 0.5 |
| 189 | Ward, J – NIR – STR | Ben | Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds | 0.5 |
