IT wasn’t quite one of David De Gea’s nonconsensual sex parties, but Jean-Alain Boumsong fantasy Euros auction organisers were pleased with Friday night’s event.
News of De Gea’s alleged indiscretions rocked managers early doors. The chief concerns were whether he would start for Spain, and whether managers who knew about the revelations could keep it from those who did not.
In the end, Wandsworth Window Lickers would have the last laugh. Unsure why he was picking up the goalkeeper for a paltry £3m, the WWL manager saw De Gea collect his first clean sheet of the Boumsong earlier this afternoon.
Thomas Muller was the evening’s most expensive player. The Sporting Lesbians manager snapped him up for £40m.
Ronaldo (£39m) was the second priciest player, bought by L’Horn d’Afrique.
Immediately after managers watched him score on the Hoop and Grapes balcony television set, Olivier Giroud became the evening’s third most expensive signing.
The Frenchman was signed by the Democratic Republic of Young Boys manager for £34m.
Harry Kane was the evening’s most valuable Englishman. Sadly, for the Cowley Caliphate manager there are no points for bad corners.
First, each manager is only allowed to buy one player per country. Second, a new rule means each manager for the first time has a choice of formations.
Also bear in mind, for the first time this summer players scoring in penalty shoot outs will pick up points.
As managers wade through the newspaper and football website previews which have sprung up in the last few days, in some cases the most comprehensive ever seen before a major tournament, how do they ascertain who will earn them coveted international glory?
What do the last three winners of major football tournaments have in common?
All their players scored
From Leo Messi’s 43 points in 2014 to Charisteas’ mere two points in 2010, all the players in winning teams at least started a game. The only winning team to contain a top points scorer was The Eurosceptics in 2012 with Jordi Alba.
The average score of a winning player across all three competitions is 15.36. This is equivalent to four starts, a goal and assist, or three starts and a goal and clean sheet.
All had two players in the final
In 2010 and 2012, the winning teams had one defensive player and one attacking player in the final. In 2014, Testiculadew Land had two of the attacking players of the tournament in the final. There are only three players to be knocked out in the semi finals in all three teams.
All had between three and five players to exit at the group stage
With just an auction and no opportunity for transfers, winning teams have seen up to half their players exiting after the first three matches. The average score for each player is around eights points. Three starts and a goal, clean sheet or assist would easily achieve this.
On average, each striker made up 4.5 per cent of the team’s total score, each midfielder eight per cent, each defender eight per cent and the goalkeeper 12 per cent
Comparatively, goalkeepers contribute more to the team than players in other positions.
Bruno Alves featured in two of the last three winning teams
Alves himself appears to have moved on to a career in kung fu. Nevertheless, this type of player, who regularly and unspectacularly goes into the knockout stages for less than £5m, represents good value.
2010 Dr Khumalo World Cup
Winning team: Nelson’s Column
Total points: 171