Kenna League rocked by historic alcohol abuse scandal


FANTASY football has been hit by shocking allegations of historic alcohol abuse going back over a decade.

Alcoholic drinks have begun to come forward to tell of their mistreatment at the hands of ‘diabolically drunk and out of control’ Kenna League managers. Victims could run into their thousands.

Throwing off the legal mantle of anonymity, one pint of lager told the media nothing was done to address irresponsible drinking, and in some cases it was actually promoted by ‘senior figures at Kenna HQ’.

“I remember being in the Old Bank of England one night in August 2005,” recalled the pint on daytime television.

“It was Wednesday when usual punters were genteel and enjoyed their drinks at a reasonable pace. We were completely unprepared for what would happen next.”

The pint said eight men entered the bar and crowded around a table to begin ‘drinking at a rather alarming pace’.

“There was ribald laughter and strange references to someone called Tomas Repka,” said the pint. “They were literally tearing through us without a second thought for our flavour or centuries-old Belgian brewing tradition.

“All they cared about was who would sign Frank Lampard. Dozens of us were left feeling used and empty afterwards.”

Emboldened by their actions, which remained unchallenged by witnesses, Kenna managers continued to abuse a multitude of alcoholic drinks with abandon over the next 10 years.

The harrowing experience of a pint of cider at a transfer window night in October 2012 shows just how unchecked the wild behaviour went.

“Oi remember being in the upstairs bar of a south London pub when one of the managers – a loud, braying, unpleasant man who looked like the Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik – shoved a large coin inside me.”

The cider told how all of a sudden another manager – ‘a Kenna committee member’ – tossed the drink back in one.

“No one spoke up about it. There was a culture of silence. It was like a Taboo. Or an Archer’s or a Barcadi Breezer. It wasn’t something people would ever consider talking about. You just had to ‘man up’ and get on with it.”

Fast forward to this summer, and tales of abuse were now intertwined with something far more sinister – trafficking.

A Czech bottle of absinthe who claims to have been abused at the auction this August said: “They make abduction me Prague, input me dark suitcase for long time.

“I very confused and disorientate. They take me dark cellar in London and leave me months.

“Then one day they take me pub. All people drunk but not yet 3pm.”

Continuing in recklessly inappropriate broken English, the absinthe told how it was poured into shot glasses and downed by managers with ‘Godless’ faces who showed no interest in its distilling process or its botanicals.

“No sugar. No spoons. They just tip down me like water. I simple feel shame.”

Confronted with allegations of historic abuse outside Kenna HQ this morning, the league chairman stonewalled the scandal.

“I’ve been at every single auction and transfer window since the Kenna was founded and I have never seen anyone so much as touch a drop of alcohol. We’re a responsible fantasy football league.

“We’ve always organised league activity in public places for the convenience of managers. If they were pubs I’m the last to know about it. I think some of the venues had bars, I really can’t recall.” said the man in charge of the self-proclaimed ‘world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league’.

“I can tell you now these allegations being reported are categorically untrue. There’s no way the Kenna League would encourage such abominable activity as punishment shots for breaking auction rules, all-day drinking sessions, all-night drinking sessions, pub crawls or champagne binges during a heatwave.

“Of course, we will be commissioning an independent inquiry to find out where these stories are coming from. That is if this intense media scrutiny doesn’t blow over in a few days.”

Eric Bristow was unavailable for comment.

Kenna table week 13

Full scores are available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 13 - 29 November 2016
Kenna table week 13 – 29 November 2016

Narcozep group stage – after three rounds

Narcozep Cup - 29 November 2016
Narcozep Cup – 29 November 2016





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Author: The chairman

Ascended to the chairmanship of the Jeff Kenna League Fantasy Football League in 2007 after co-founded the league in London in August 2005.