Roberto Firmino

Rifles once more the ball into the net,

Or sets another up to do the same,

Brazil’s fair crop of talent again yet

Enlivens North West England’s pressing game.

Roberto’s entry into Europe’s sphere,

To ply his silky skills next to the Rhine,

Oft saw defenders ever more in fear,

Forthwith he is a genuine false nine.

In fantasy his season’s started well

Reaping more than seven league points a week.

Much joy the Lokomotiv fans will tell

In sitting high upon the Kenna’s peak.

Never have they enjoyed a title’s glow

Out seldom from mid-table’s end they go.

Kenna table week 3

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 3 - 29 August 2017
Kenna table week 3 – 29 August 2017
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Pikey Scum 2017/18

Solitary cup win: The Pikey Scum manager

Manager: Jack (Hampshire)

Since: 2005 (co-founder and committee member – charts and graphs)

Home ground: South Hackney Caravan Park

Training facility: Any patch of grass that riles local residents

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winner 2008, Narcozep Cup winner 2016, Claudio Caniggia World Cup 2006 winner (under review)

2005/06 – 7th
2007/08 – 8th
2008/09 – 8th
2009/10 – 7th
2010/11 – 5th
2011/12 – 7th
2012/13 – 15th
2013/14 – 5th
2014/15 – 13th
2015/16 – 6th
2016/17 – 18th

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts musicI’m A Pikey – Enrique Iglesias

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Oh dear, would you look at that midfield, and £8m on Bravo. There are some things even Harry Kane can’t do – 66/1

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £2m

Bravo, C MCY  £ 8.00
Azpilicueta, C CHE  £18.00
Lovren, D LIV  £5.00
Monreal, N ARS  £5.00
Dunk, L BTN  £2.00
Townsend, A CRY  £3.00
Ayew, A WHM  £1.00
Shelvey, J NEW  £0.50
Albrighton, M LEI  £0.50
Rashford, M MUN  £15.00
Kane, H TOT  £40.00
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Toby Alderweireld

THE glory days of La Liga titles and Champions League finals are a distant memory for Toby Alderweireld.

On the evening of the Kenna League auction 14 days ago, the Belgian defender became the Sleptember XI manager’s most expensive signing at £18m.

But any hopes of improving on Sleptember’s debut sixth-place finish last season look short lived. The club are propping up the table.

Yaya Toure, Deigo Costa, Fernando Llorente, Adam Lallana, Marcus Rojo and Scott Malone are all yet to start for the club.

Alderweireld is among four players to enjoy some game time, although while Etienne Capoue and Darren Fletcher have produced humble returns, goalkeeper Joe Hart is on a season total of minus one point.

Legions of fans have been critical of the manager’s recruitment policy.

Diego Costa is a case in point.

Every other manager at the auction suppressed snickers of schadenfreude as the Sleptember manager engaged in a small bidding war for lot number 14.

Remaining deadpan while a competitor throws away his budget on a player unlikely to play in England again is a challenge for even the most seasoned Kenna manager.

What thigh-slapping relief when the Sleptember manager didn’t catch on and signed Costa for £15m!

Events must have taken a toll on the unfortunate Sleptember boss.

Inhibited by the Costa blunder, Sleptember went on to trigger the Titus Bramble ruling.

Remember Stan Collymore? No longer a striker with a wayward personal life, Collymore is now a broadcaster and journalist with a more balanced personal life.

Except, given the events in Royal Tunbridge Wells this weekend, one wonders whether Stan The Man is slipping into old habits.

Locals appear to have been vindicated in their protest against Flamefest sex festival in Kent, where one unfortunate man was pronounced dead and a woman went to hospital.

‘Discreet’ adult play area staffed by dominatrices and an outdoor dungeon. For Toby Alderweireld the October transfer window can’t come soon enough.

Kenna table – week 2

Full scores available at The Rub.

Kenna table week 2 - 22 August 2017
Kenna table week 2 – 22 August 2017
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Sleptember XI 2017/18

Paul pic
Chilling with my bitch: The Sleptember XI manager

Manager: Paul

Twitter name: @whitewashweb

Since: 2016

Home ground: Autumn Road

Training facility: The Schlepp

Trophy cabinet: empty

2016/17 – 6th

Sympathies: Manchester United

Darts music: September – Earth, Wind & Fire

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Would have been a great team two seasons ago – 100/1

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £28.5m

Hart, J WHM £ 2.00
Alderweireld, T TOT £ 18.00
Rojo, M MUN £ 4.00
Malone, S HUD £ 0.50
Lallana, A LIV £ 11.00
Toure, Y MCY £ 0.50
Capoue, E WAT £ 0.50
Fletcher, D STO £ 2.00
Llorente, F SWA £ 14.00
Costa, D CHE £ 15.00
Collymore, S BRA £ 4.00
£ 71.50
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Lokomotiv Leeds 2017/18

Ben S profile pic
All over my face: The Lokomotiv Leeds manager

Manager: Ben S (Leeds)

Twitter name@BenCSilver

Since: 2011

Home ground: Bellend Road

Training facility: The Train Shed

Trophy cabinet: empty

2011/12 – 2nd
2012/13 – 7th
2013/14 – 12th
2014/15 – 4th
2015/16 – 14th
2016/17 – 17th

Sympathies: Leeds

Darts musicBicycle Race – Queen

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Came to the Kenna with great fanfare but despite showing early promise has struggled to compete at this level for some time – 40/1

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £6.5m

Pickford, J EVE  £4.00
Bellerin, H ARS  £8.00
van Dijk, V SOT  £3.00
Smith, T HUD  £0.50
de Bruyne, K MCY  £32.00
Moses, V CHE  £4.00
Antonio, M WHM  £3.00
Dembele, M TOT  £1.00
Firmino, R LIV  £28.00
Martial, A MUN  £8.00
Deeney, T WAT  £2.00
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FC Testiculadew 2017/18

James N profile
‘Tache: The FC Testiculadew manager

Manager: James N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Home ground: Scrotrot Street

Training facility: The Death Star

Trophy cabinet: 2013/14 and 2011/12 league and cup double, 2014 Emerson World Cup winner

2011/12 – 1st
2012/13 – 2nd
2013/14 – 1st
2014/15 – 7th
2015/16 – 8th
2016/17 – 2nd

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: The Imperial March (Family Guy elevator remix)

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: The Dark Lord of the Kenna could sign eleven Titus Brambles and still be in the title race mix come April – 12/1

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £3m

Cech, P ARS  £ 7.00
Matip, J LIV  £3.00
Fuchs, C LEI  £0.50
Rose, D TOT  £0.50
Tadic, D SOT  £9.00
Arnautovic, M WHM  £8.00
Chadli, N WBA  £4.00
Gundogan, I MCY  £6.00
Lukaku, R MUN  £41.00
Ramirez, S EVE  £15.00
Berahino, S STO  £3.00
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Mohamed Salah

Memories of Mohamed Salah’s mediocre first spell in England were brushed aside this weekend with a goal and assist in the first game of the season.

Of course, it was a weight off the Egyptian’s mind.

Helping his new club Sporting Lesbian to the top of the Kenna League, Salah was only too pleased to recall the moment he found out he was moving back to London.

“Ahhh, I remember it well! It was during the physical act of love,” he overshared.

“My agent phoned so I immediately pulled out and took the call. When I found out I’d been signed for £32m in the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league I couldn’t contain myself.”

Egyptian cotton, fortunately, washes well at high temperatures.

During his first training session for Sporting, Salah was pleased to find new teammates in Alexandre Lacazette and Henrikh Mkhitaryan, but confused by the dressing-room presence of Bill Cosby.

Sporting Lesbian’s manager was on hand to explain.

Apparently, Salah learned, the Sporting boss had broken the Titus Bramble ruling at the auction. An illegal player was removed and replaced with ‘a dud’. He was not the only manager to make that mistake.

“Laugh at Cosby’s amusing facial expressions,” advised Salah’s new manager.

“Allow yourself to be entertained by his Dr Cliff Huxtable routines,” the manager continued.

“He offers you an OJ, though, refuse outright. There are some things even a 90 degree wash cannot eradicate.”

Kenna table – week 1

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 1 - 15 August 2017
Kenna table week 1 – 15 August 2017
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Sporting Lesbian 2017/18

Ben M profile
Sloth: The Sporting Lesbian manager

Manager: Ben M (Cumbria)

Twitter name@BenMarcangelo

Since: 2012

Home ground: Todger Dodger Street

Training facility: The Dyke

Last season: 8th

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2012/13 and 2014/15

Kenna Index rating TBC
2012/13 – 1st
2013/14 – 8th
2014/15 – 1st
2015/16 – missed auction due to washing machine delivery
2016/17 – 8th

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts musicLesbian Seagull – David van Driessen

What the chalkstripes are saying in Kenna HQ speculations department: Form has the Sporting manager finishing either champions or eighth. With Bill Cosby in midfield he’s probably looking at the latter again – 30/1

Auction XI (5-4-1)
Remaining budget: £1.5m

Begovic, A BOU  £1.00
Walker, K MCY  £8.00
Soares, C SOT  £0.50
Mee, B BUR  £0.50
Kaboul, Y WAT  £0.50
Dawson, C WBA  £2.00
Mkhitaryan, H MUN  £18.00
Salah, M LIV  £32.00
Cosby, B BRM  £0.50
Lamela, E TOT  £0.50
Lacazette, A ARS  £35.00
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Dynamo Charlton 2017/18

Smug: The Dynamo Charlton manager

Manager: Alex (Surrey)

Twitter name@alexbass75

Since: 2011

Home ground: The Dynamic Valley

Training facility: Stone Lake

Trophy cabinet: Olisadebe Euro 2012 winner

2011/12 – 6th
2012/13 – 6th
2013/14 – 12th
2014/15 – 15th
2015/16 – 4th
2016/17 – 15th

Sympathies: Charlton Athletic

Darts musicThe Gladiators TV theme

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Once again the thriftiest manager in the league, but when did financial fair play ever win anything? – 33/1

Auction XI (3-5-2)
Remaining budget: £36.5m

Foster, B WBA  £9.00
Milner, J LIV  £ 7.00
Zouma, K STO  £ 3.00
Kolasinac, S ARS  £ 3.00
Herrera, A MUN  £0.50
Lanzini, M WHM  £7.00
Atsu, C NEW  £2.00
Brady, R BUR  £0.50
Mooy, A HUD  £0.50
Iheanahco, K LEI  £25
Nolito MCY  £0.50
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Islington Sports Islam & Leisure 2017/18

Scourge of the high seas: The ISIL manager

Manager: Abdi (Somalia)

Twitter name: @abdinw1

Since: 2010

Home ground: Mogadishu Arena

Training facility: Spyglass Hill

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winner 2012/13

2010/11 – 14th
2011/12 – 5th
2012/13 – 8th
2013/14 – 21st (relegated)
2014/15 – 20th (relegated)
2015/16 – 16th
2016/17 – 5th

Sympathies: Arsenal

Darts music: The Trumpet Hornpipe

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Even if the Pirate could keep Alvaro Morata from the auction and retain Alexis Sanchez beyond the next transfer window, the smart money has him throwing it away all over again – 66/1

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £16.5m

Courtois, T CHE  £ 3.00
Vertonghen, J TOT  £9.00
McAuley, G WBA  £4.00
Britos, M WAT  £0.50
Robertson, A LIV  £0.50
Sane, L MCY  £21.00
Ince, T HUD  £5.00
Bolasie, Y EVE  £0.50
Dr Cliff Huxtable BRM  £7.50
Murray, G BTN  £0.50
Sanchez, A ARS  £32.00
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