Year: 2017

Golden age of defending returns

REMEMBER the mid noughties?

The London bombings.

A German pope elected.

Mart Poom going to Arsenal on a six-month loan.

And English teams regularly meeting each other in the latter stages of the Champions League.

With the exception of Poom, it was a time built on strong defence. In fantasy football it was the epoch of clean sheets.

The inaugural winner of the Kenna League boasted John Terry, Steve Finnan, Wes Brown, Kolo Toure and Paul Robinson. At the height of their careers.

Goals were scarce. Clean sheets the norm. The chairman, for it was he, won the title with Darius Vassell in attack and Jermaine Pennant in midfield.

By the end of decade the tide had turned.

Andre Villas Boas crouched on the touchline to watch the once sturdy defence of west London ship them like a online bookshop with an aggressive diversification strategy.

In London pub-based fantasy football it was the time to buy false nines, the trequartistas and Clint ‘Deuce’ Dempsey.

And so it remained. Until now.

Heading into the first transfer window of the season this Friday, more than half of the top 14 performing players in the Kenna are defensive.

Ben Davies aside, all ply their trade in Manchester.

Several managers have already released players ahead of tomorrow’s midday deadline.

Are they looking for defenders?

With Nathaniel Clyne ‘out for some time’, the chairman certainly is.

Player Position Points Club Position Paid
Lukaku STR 49 Brambler 15th £41m
Kane STR 48 Pikey Scum 1st £40m
Valencia, A DEF 46 Piss Poor 11th £9m
Ben Davies DEF 44 Iniesta 10th £4m
Phil Jones DEF 43 Breivik 14th £0.5m
De Gea GK 43 WNS 16th £8m
Kyle Walker DEF 43 Sporting 2nd £8m
Otamendi DEF 41 Don’t Know Yet 5th £0.5m
Azpilicueta DEF 41 Pikey Scum 1st £18m
de Bruyne MID 40 Lokomotiv 3rd £32m
Bailly DEF 39 Young Boys 8th £5m
Salah MID 39 Sporting 2nd £32m
Stones DEF 38 Cowley 4th £0.5m
Jesus STR 37 Young Boys 8th £31m

Kenna League table – week 7

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 7 - 3 October 2017
Kenna table week 7 – 3 October 2017
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Adam Johnson Fan Club 2017/18

Chairman 69 problems
…but running the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league ain’t one: The AJFC manager and Kenna chairman

Manager: Stix

Twitter name: @jeffkennaleague

Since: 2005 (co-founder and chairman)

Home ground: Big Wong

Training facility: The Forbidden Garden

Trophy cabinet:
Champions 2005/06
Canesten Combi Cup winner 2006
Treble in 2009/2010 (league, cup, Dr Khumalo World Cup 2010)
Narcozep Cup winner 2017

Form
2005/06 – 1st
2006/07 – 3rd
2007/08 – 7th
2008/09 – 9th
2009/10 – 1st
2010/11 – 4th
2011/12 – 16th
2012/13 – 18th (relegated)
2013/14 – 10th
2014/15 – 11th
2015/16 – 11th
2016/17 – 13th (cup winner)

Sympathies: Kidderminster Harriers

Darts music: Let Me Be Your Fantasy – Baby D

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Appears to have bought three players in no danger of walking on a football pitch anytime soon, another treble-winning season not on the cards – 50/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 October 2018
Remaining budget: £9.5m

Pope, N BUR £0.50
Luiz, D CHE £10.00
Ogbonna, A WHM £0.50
Jorgensen, M (TW1) HUD  £6.00
Mawson, A (TW1) SWA £0.50
Alli, D TOT £35.00  
Silva, B MCY £17.00  
Gross, P (TW1) BTN £9.00
Fraser, R (TW2) BOU £0.5m
Welbeck, D ARS £7.00
Diabate, F (TW2) LEI £0.50
£86.5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £1.5m

Pope, N (TW1) BUR  £0.50
Luiz, D CHE  £10.00
Ogbonna, A WHM  £0.50
Jorgensen, M (TW1) HUD  £6.00
Mawson, A (TW1) SWA  £0.50
Alli, D TOT  £35.00
Silva, B MCY  £17.00  
Gross, P (TW1) BTN  £9.00
Welbeck, D ARS  £7.00
Defoe, J BOU  £13.00
Jese (TW1) STO  £2.00
 £101m

Auction XI (4-3-3)
Remaining budget: £9.5m

Heaton, T BUR  £6.00
Luiz, D CHE  £10.00
Clyne, N LIV  £0.50
Ogbonna, A WHM  £0.50
Janmaat, D WAT  £0.50
Alli, D TOT  £35.00
Silva, B MCY  £17.00
Drinkwater, D LEI  £0.50
Welbeck, D ARS  £7.00
Defoe, J BOU  £13.00
Lookman, A EVE  £0.50
 £90.50
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Analysis: The Romelu Lukaku chant

MANCHESTER United fans have ignored the polite request of Romelu Lukaku and the wrath of Kick It Out campaign to continue singing their controversial chant.

For anyone who hasn’t heard it, terrace ‘wits’ are using a melody from Made of Stone by the Stone Roses to make race-related assertions about the Belgian striker’s manhood.

For chant enthusiasts, comparisons could be made to a video of Manchester United fans chanting about allegations Adam Johnson had an inappropriate sexual encounter with a 15-year-old girl (analysed here two years ago).

At the time, the former Sunderland winger was yet to be convicted.

But while both chants relate to…ahem…Johnsons under scrutiny, in Lukaku’s case defamation is an unlikely issue.

Is any man going to be interviewed outside the Royal Courts of Justice thousands of pounds richer because his penis is smaller than slandered?

In…ahem…short, the Lukaku chant is clearly racist and inappropriate.

But to the chant purist it could beg the question: to what United players could the Made of Stone chant be applied on the grounds of national stereotyping?

Here are some seriously low-quality efforts.

Juan Mata (Spain)

Juan Mata
Likes to chatter
Smokes Ducardos at a bullfight
Doesn’t eat his tea till midnight
Getting the assists
When he talks he lisps

Matteo Darmian (Italy)

Matteo
Darmian
Tackler, passer and a shooter
Says ‘Ciao!’ to girls from his scooter
Pressing down the flank
Reversing in his tank

Daley Blind (Netherlands)

Daley Blind
Smoking blim
Useful defensive solution
Relaxed views on prostitution
Tulips, clogs, windmills
Not that good on hills

Sergio Romero (Argentina)

Sergio
Romero
A magician on the goal line
Steak and Malbec every lunchtime
Acrobatic feats
Can’t help it if he cheats

Anthony Martial (France)

Anthony
Martial
He might take a nifty free kick
But his bike’s covered in garlic
Playing on the wing
Can’t resist a fling

Henrikh Mkhitaryan (Armenia)

Mkhitaryan
He’s Armenian
Our state English education
Means we’ve reached the limitation
Of our trivia
It’s bordered by Georgia?

Zlatan Ibrahimovic (Sweden)

Ibrahimovic
His home country’s rich
Leggy blondes, midsummer parties
Collaborated with the Nazis
Goals and kung fu tough
Saunas in the buff

Michael Carrick (England)

Michael Carrick
Midfield magic
Killer pass he’s always hunting
Local pub’s got George’s bunting
In England he believes
Probably voted Leave

Kenna table week 6

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 6 - 26 September 2017
Kenna table week 6 – 26 September 2017
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So Good They Named Him Twice 2017/18

Weatherall and Anderton
Sicknote: The So Good They Named Him Twice manager

Manager: Weatherall (Liverpool)

Twitter name: @johnredknapp

Since: 2016

Home ground: The Jay-Jay Memorial Park

Training facility: Okocha

Trophy cabinet: empty

Form
2016/17 – 4th

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: Smooth Operator – Sade

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Creditable follow up to 4th place on debut remote – 1,000/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018

No changes.

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017

No changes.

Auction XI (4-3-3)
Remaining budget: £11.5m*

*auction absentee: average remaining budget of managers who attended

Romero, S MUN  £0.50
Moreno, A LIV  £0.50
Yoshida, M SOT  £0.50
Evans, J WBA  £0.50
Smith, A BOU  £0.50
Wilshere, J ARS  £0.50
Puncheon, J CRY  £0.50
Wanyama, V TOT  £0.50
Nolito MCY  £0.50
Remy, L CHE  £0.50
Musa, A LEI  £0.50
 £5.50
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Wandsworth Network Solutions 2017/18

Will and Gunnersaurus Rex
Influences at the highest echelons of the game: The Wandsworth Network Solutions manager (left)

Manager: Will (Worcestershire)

Twitter name: @chainfir3

Since: 2010

Home ground: King George’s Park

Training facility: The Alma

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – 8th in 2010/11)

Kenna Index rating: N/A
2010/11 – 8th
2012/13 – 19th (relegated)
2013/14 – did not enter
2014/15 – did not enter
2015/16 – 7th
2016/17 – 10th

Sympathies: Kidderminster Harriers

Darts music: Mary Jane – Rick James

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Auction absentee only managed to sign de Gea, Baines and Rudiger as targets followed by an unkind auto pick – 100/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 October 2018
Remaining budget: £1.5m

de Gea, D MUN £8.00
Baines, L EVE £13.00
Rudiger, A CHE £11.00
Morgan, W LEI £0.50
Bruno (TW2) BTN £0.50
Can, E LIV £0.50  
Pereyra, R WAT £0.50
Sissoko, M TOT £0.50
Bony, W SWA £0.50
Depoitre, L (TW1) HUD £0.50
Aubameyang, P (TW2) ARS £19.00
£54.5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017 (4-4-2)
Remaining budget: £11m

de Gea, D MUN  £8.00
Baines, L EVE  £13.00
Rudiger, A CHE  £11.00
Bill Cosby BRA  £0.50
Morgan, W LEI  £0.50
Can, E LIV  £0.50
Pereyra, R WAT  £0.50
Sissoko, M TOT  £0.50
Arter, H BOU  £0.50
Bony, W SWA  £0.50
Depoitre, L (TW1) HUD  £0.50
 £36m

Auction XI (4-4-2)
Remaining budget: £11.5m*

*auction absentee: average remaining budget of managers who attended

de Gea, D MUN  £8.00
Baines, L EVE  £13.00
Rudiger, A CHE  £11.00
Mertesacker, P ARS  £0.50
Morgan, W LEI  £0.50
Can, E LIV  £0.50
Sissoko, M TOT  £0.50
Arter, H BOU  £0.50
Pereyra, R WAT  £0.50
Carroll, A WHM  £0.50
Bony, W MCY  £0.50
 £36.00
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Puncheon The Bony Kante 2017/18

Kirk
Big time Kante: The Puncheon The Bony Kante manager

Name: Kirk (Shropshire)

Twitter name: @KirkMcDowell

Since: 2017

Home ground: Jason Wilfred Road

Training facility: The Engolo

Trophy cabinet: Empty (debut season)

Sympathies: Luton Town

Darts music: Punching in a Dream – The Naked and Famous

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: A debutante hasn’t won the Kenna for more than decade, no one has ever won the Kenna without attending the auction, put that in your in-play betting spread sheet and smoke it – 500/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 October 2018

No changes.

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017

No changes.

Auction XI (4-5-1)
Remaining budget: £11.5m (average of managers who attended the auction)

Caballero, W CHE  £0.50
Williams, A EVE  £7.00
Danilo MCY  £0.50
Sakho, M LIV  £0.50
Pieters, E STO  £0.50
Lingard, J MUN  £0.50
Iwobi, A ARS  £8.00
Stanislas, J BOU  £5.50
Gray, D LEI  £0.50
Fer, L SWA  £0.50
Gray, A BUR  £0.50
 £24.50

 

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Wayne Rooney

WATCHING the club’s star striker enter the building from his office window, the manager’s nerves tensed.

Another setback for his team‘s title hopes.

Yet another reminder of just how punishing this league could be.

Nursing the dregs of a Lemon Fanta in his hand, he returned to his desk to wait for his player.

‘Enter,’ he said when the knock on the door came.

Remorse was all over the striker’s face like egg.

‘On my kids’ lives boss, I swear I’ll not get caught again,’ he simpered, hands pressed together, eyebrows on his turnip head pushed up.

Over the next week the whole club would be talking about what the manager said next.

Never one to shy from gossip, his personal assistant, everyone agreed, gave the best account.

‘Enough!’ the manager threw the Fanta can at his player’s head, or at least that what it sounded like from the other side of the door. ‘I’m only in my second season in the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league and I’m already surrounded by pillocks like you undoing all my best efforts to stay in it. I don’t need your snivelling, I need a striker scoring goals, because at the August auction I got drunk and signed Peter Crouch. I already had Xhedran Shaqiri. That’s two Stoke players. Illegal. Bloody illegal. They took Crouch off me and gave me his bloody wife. His wife! Yes, I’ll admit she’s good for morale in the changing rooms, but everything’s getting slotted except the opposition goal. Furthermore, I bought Xhedran Shaqiri last season so the more I think about it the more it dawns it was an absolute dick move by me. There’s a transfer window on Friday 6 October starting from 6.30 to 7pm (earlier for drinks) where I should be improving my first eleven, but I’m dogged by the memory last year of inadvertently doing a cash-plus deal of Manuel Lanzini and £4m for Stewart Downing. You can guess how that turned out. I haven’t been to a transfer window since. I just sit in here drinking cans of Fanta and wondering why I thought £18m was a good deal for Jamie Vardy. Right now I’m 9th, but this time last year I was 8th and then ended in 15th. So get that bloody rear light fixed on your Volkswagen Beetle – what the hell are you doing driving a Beetle, anyway? – do your community service and start scoring some bloody goals.’

‘Yes, boss,’ said the striker and backed out the room.

Kenna table week 5

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 5 - 19 September 2017
Kenna table week 5 – 19 September 2017
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Bala Rinas 2017/18

Lewis
Day release: The Bala Rinas manager

Manager: Lewis (Wales)

Twitter name: @jsl105

Since: 2007 (committee member – league treasurer)

Home ground: Bala Park

Training facility: Tutu Lake

Trophy cabinet: empty

Form
2007/08 – 12th (relegated)
2011/12 – 8th
2012/13 – 13th
2013/14 – 3rd
2014/15 – 3rd
2015/16 – 3rd
2016/17 – 9th

Sympathies: Wrexham

Darts music: C.R.E.A.M. – Wu Tang Clan

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: The league treasurer ended a run of three podium finishes last season with 9th place and having not showed up to the auction a new pattern of disappointing mid-table form has been born – 50/1

Transfer windows

No changes.

Auction XI (4-3-3)
Remaining budget: £11.5m (average of managers who attended the auction)

Elliot, R NEW  £1.50
Naughton, K SWA  £0.50
Shawcross, R STO  £0.50
Taylor, C BUR  £1.00
Suttner, M BTN  £0.50
Willian CHE  £3.50
Fellaini, M MUN  £0.50
Fernandinho MCY  £0.50
Austin, C SOT  £11.00
Ings, D LIV  £0.50
Kachunga, E HUD  £0.50
     £20.50

 

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Klünter #FCK

THE result of last night’s Europa League game between Arsenal and FC Köln is immaterial. 

Instead many people will remember the occasion for the 20,000 Germans who tipped up in central London and stopped traffic. Much to the delight of social media and the surprise of police.

Belting out something in supposedly Rhine Valley accented German, FC Köln fans were recorded in a number of scenarios from marching through Soho…

…to doing a thunderclap outside the Oxford Street branch of Matalan.

Fans then headed north to the Emirates to delay kick off by an hour. High spirits or hooliganism? It feels sensationalist to call it the latter.

But overall many will remember the game for the tremendous support.

The enlightened few, however, will remember it for number 24 on the FC Köln team sheet: Lukas Klünter.

There have been many outstanding names to emerge from Teutonic football. Stefan Kuntz, Julian Draxler and Pascal Zuberbühler to name but three.

Lukas Klünter though. It’s so delicious.

Even with limited knowledge of German pronunciation the umlaut on the ‘ü’ makes it sound like ‘Kloonter’.

Better though is saying it with the flat ‘u’ in English. Klunter.

Should the young defender progress to Die Mannschaft at a future tournament and be involved in either end of a career-ending tackle, surely his name will immediately pass into the English dictionary: ‘Ooh, that was a real Klunter.’

Marvelous.

Klünter has only made 12 appearances for FC Köln first team so far (last night he was subbed off for an attacker as his side chased the game), but we hope to see his name for many years to come.

Or at least until a cheap replica shirt is available on the internet.

Kenna League table week 4

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 4 - 12 September 2017
Kenna table week 4 – 12 September 2017
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Like Donald Trump giving Kim Jong un the keys to the White House

THE chairman is to cede control of an auction in the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league for the first time in history, according to sources at Kenna HQ.

It’s believed the 2018 Dimitri Kharine World Cup auction next June will be coordinated and run by another member of the league.

In the 12 years since the Kenna League founded, the chairman has been responsible for running 13 domestic and six international tournament auctions.

The news prompted jubilant scenes at the Young Boys of Vauxhall training facility Fiddler’s Harris (pictured).

The Young Boys manager, who is also vice chairman of the Kenna League, is a long-time critic of the Kenna leadership, fomenting unrest at every opportunity.

The Welsh-Belgian has claimed he would have been chairman were it not for inherent racism against the people of Wales at Kenna HQ.

Last November, he used the #NotMyChairman protests among Kenna managers to further his own case for taking over the league.

Should the vice chairman assume control of the World Cup auction it’s thought he will make root-and-branch changes to the event.

Last August, the Welshman broke into a 10-minute rant at what he considered unfair processes with the league’s notorious forfeit procedure, the Titus Bramble ruling.

What’s become the traditional venue of the auction, the Hoop and Grapes on Farringdon Road, could also be under threat.

It’s feared the auction could move from a convenient central London location to the Young Boys’ Yewtree Lane home ground in the transport blackhole of Battersea.

‘The chairman’s been running these auctions well for years, but he feels now could be time to let someone else have a go,’ said the source at Kenna HQ.

‘Should he pass control of the auction to the vice chairman, I’m sure it’ll never come to be likened to Donald Trump giving Kim Jong un the keys to the White House.’

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