All-male fantasy football managers ‘grope’ their way through transfer night

PRESSURE groups are calling for a London fantasy football league to be discontinued because the all-male managers ‘grope’ their way through boozy evenings in the pub.

The shocking allegations were revealed in an undercover sting by a Financial Times journalist who infiltrated the Kenna League auction in August last year.

‘This secretive and alcohol-fuelled group of men make out they’re football experts but in reality they’re just groping their way through the evening,’ said the reporter.

‘In one instance at the August auction I witnessed a manager buy Diego Costa at auction at least a week after the striker had moved to Atletico Madrid.

‘The manager was quite clearly fingering his way around in the dark but the rest of the league, all men, either because they were drunk or wanted the manager to fail, or both probably, waited until the hammer came down and then burst out laughing.

‘It was a disgusting.’

Grainy footage at the auction showed how one manager became so drunk he bought a second Chelsea player and lost Alvaro Morata under the Titus Bramble ruling.

‘He stalked off and played with his phone for a bit while everyone else jeered like animals.’

Following the reports, lobby groups are campaigning for this Friday’s Kenna transfer window to be called off.

‘Think of all the members who’ll be fondled and molested by these reckless and unrepentant Kenna managers drunk on Spanish-branded lager and the moody bottle of schnapps the league chairman plans to bring to the transfer evening,’ said a spokesperson for the Professional Footballers’ Association.

Kenna HQ is putting out an implacable front and insists the transfer window will go ahead as planned.

‘Managers have until midday on Thursday to send their released players to the Kenna, and bidding will begin in earnest at 7pm on Friday,’ said the chairman in a press conference held outside the Holborn Whippet at lunchtime.

‘We have nothing to fear. Our league will bear as much scrutiny as Glenn Murray’s…erm…accounts.’

Kenna table week 22

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 22 - 30 January 2017
Kenna table week 22 – 30 January 2017
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Mkhitaryan, Lacazette, Morata and Barkley all Bramble tied

TWO Kenna League managers find themselves with a tough decision to make ahead of Thursday’s midday transfer deadline.

Henrikh Mkhitaryan and Ross Barkley both made high-profile moves south mean Sporting Lesbian and Piss Poor respectively are both Bramble tied.

Sitting sixth in the table, Sporting Lesbian must now decide between releasing the Armenian midfielder or striker Alexandre Lacazette. Releasing either player could significantly add to the manager’s war chest of £10m.

Meanwhile the Piss Poor manager has make the choice between Ross Barkley and Alvaro Morata.

Piss Poor signed Morata in extraordinary circumstances in the August auction, and it’s thought he’ll stick with the Spaniard over the out of form Barkley.

The Piss Poor manager could be in the market for Mkhitaryan or Lacazette now his star player Alexis Sanchez has moved north.

Managers have until midday on Thursday (1 February) to send their players to be released to Kenna HQ.

The window will open at 7pm this Friday (2 February) in the Hoop & Grapes on Farringdon Road.

Kenna table week 21

Kenna table week 21 - 23 January 2018
Kenna table week 21 – 23 January 2018
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Facades

DARK times at Kenna HQ.

Having failed to publish an update for three weeks, the chairman is under increasing pressure in the corridors of power.

What’s led to the hold up? Why have the Krakow Cup scores only been shared now six teams are eliminated?

Answers are unclear. Charts and graphs have sent weekly updates to the executive. The chairman has certainly been seen in the committee rooms and coffee bars of Jeff House, albeit with a bleak expression, a face like Barry Bennell turning up at the Speed family Christmas.

Whispers around Kenna HQ say perhaps the league has run out of things to say. The league has reached its nadir.

Others say they overheard the chairman – who it must be remembered built his team around Dele Alli – weeping in the executive toilet. Someone reckons they caught him staring into the middle distance with a cup of camomile tea.

Many hope this is just a temporary blip.

They know the chairman’s cocktail cabinet remains locked until the transfer window.

Send your released players to Kenna HQ by midday on Thursday 1 February. Transfer window hammer down at 7pm on Friday 2 February in the Hoop & Grapes, Farringdon Road.

Full scores available from The Rub.

Krakow Cup – 16 January 2018

Krakow Cup - 17 January 2018
Krakow Cup – 17 January 2018

Krakow Cup – 9 January 2018

Krakow Cup - 9 January 2018
Krakow Cup – 9 January 2018

Krakow Cup – 5 January 2018

Krakow Cup - 5 January 2018
Krakow Cup – 5 January 2018

Kenna table week 20

Kenna table week 20 - 16 January 2018
Kenna table week 20 – 16 January 2018

Kenna table week 19

Kenna week 19 - 9 January 2018
Kenna week 19 – 9 January 2018

Kenna table week 18

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 18 - 5 January 2018
Kenna table week 18 – 5 January 2018

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New Year message from the chairman

‘I’m on the wagon until the Kenna transfer window on Friday 2 February.

‘Yes. You have heard that one before.’

Kenna League table week 17

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 17 - 29 December 2017
Kenna table week 17 – 29 December 2017
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