2019 – The Jeff Kenna League

Rising to the top

NEWINGTON Reds all but won the Kenna League on the weekend, but failed register a double.

The debutant manager at Clotted Cream First defeated Reds in a tense Krakow Cup final.

The Wile. E. Coyote of set pieces Trent Alexander-Arnold was the difference, a clean sheet and two assists earning him 13 points.

“Trent be a helluva bhuy, gert lush ee iz,” drawled the Devonian manager of The Cream.

“Fan zee zat, a Janner scoopinnt Krakoff dreckly ee be int Kenna? Although I was savage to see me bhuy Ake gettin minus two. Madazza barbed wire badger, ee iz.”

While Clotted Cream First shaved Reds in the cup, in the league second-placed Hairy Fadjeetas are in no danger shaving anything.

Third placed Fat Ladies also appear unlikely to shave anything from Hairy Fadjeetas’ 13-point advantage this Saturday. Fadges take Raheem Sterling into the game, while Ladies rely on Americ Laporte.

There’s an outside chance Bala Rinas could spring 18 points into third place if Gerard Deulofeu and Ederson combine.

Krakow Cup final – individual scores

Newington Reds 30 – Fab 2, J Evans 7, Robertson 7, Coady 1, C Taylor 0, Mili 1, Hojbjerg 2, Camarasa 0, Babel 1, Murray 7, Higuain 2

Clotted Cream First 33 – Lloris 1, TAA 13, Ake -2, Lascelles 7, Nordtveit 0, McArthur 4, Xhaka 0, H Costa 0, Barkley 2, Kun 7, Austin 1

Kenna week 36

No coming back

IN a week of dramatic football comebacks the Kenna failed to deliver in spectacular fashion as Newington Reds marched undisturbed towards a maiden league title.

Glenn Murray and Gonzalo Higuain (as I said, unspectacular) were both on target to put yet more distance between Newington Reds and the rest of the league.

However, the weekend will be far from a Sunday stroll for the trophyless Reds boss, who will be keen to claim the double by outperforming Kenna debutants Clotted Cream First in the Krakow Cup final.

It will be no easy task. The Devonian manager at ‘The Dairy’ lists final-day specialist Sergio Aguero and set-piece maverick Trent Alexander-Arnold among his ranks.

Battle for second place in the league sees more pressure heaped on the Hairy Fadjeetas manager, who topped the table for most of the season before being usurped by Reds.

Going into the weekend 2008 Kenna champions Fat Ladies ‘snap at the Fadge’, and Ladies’ trio Eden Hazard, Jamie Vardy and Virgil van Dyke are favourites to overturn a 10-point gap.

Not only are the Fadges missing Roberto Firmino to injury, but the boss has been under intense scrutiny from United Arab Emirates authorities for some time.

Rumours abound in the Persian Gulf the Fadges boss fled the region stowed away in an Emirates cabin drinks trolley having formed a relationship with an airline employee.

The Yorkshireman’s exact whereabouts are unknown outside reports from the Swiss Alps he was seen in an Irish bar buying two pints for himself at the same time and telling anyone who would listen he ‘couldn’t give a fucking bollocks’.

At the other end of the table, where the bottom five face relegation, the Kenna’s only Somali manager dropped into the danger zone. Danny Baker has since deleted a tweet.

Kenna table week 35

Full scores available from The Rub.

Let’s get these out the way, shall we?

Sesame Street rubber duck collector Ernie

Doorstop dalliance devotee and dairy delivering daredevil Ernie

Author and daiquiri connoisseur Ernest Hemingway

Leadership legend Ernest Shackleton

Most prolific goalscorer ever in the Polish first division Ernest Pohl

Father of nuclear physics Ernest Rutherford

Gap-toothed American actor Ernest Borgnine

High street jeweller Ernest Jones

Mexican narco ‘Don Neto’ Ernest Fonseca Carillo

FC Barcelona manager Ernesto Valverde

Poster boy of the Cuban revolution Ernesto Che Guevara

Double murderer who escaped justice for 50 years Ernest Broadnax

Megalomaniac cat lover Ernst Stavro Blofeld

Homosexual Nazi executed in 1934 party purge Ernst Rohm

Kingpin bowling nemesis Ernie ‘Big Ern’ McCracken

Kenna table week 34

Full scores available from The Rub

Kenna week 34 - 30 April 2019 — Kenna week 34 – 30 April 2019

Travelling without winning

NEWINGTON Reds put in another commanding performance this week to both pull away at the top of the Kenna League and secure a place in the Krakow Cup final.

Gonzalo Higuain, Andrew Robertson, Conor Coady and Luka Milivojevic combined to thwart a resurgent Pikey Scum in their semi final second leg.

Should Reds now defeat Kenna debutants Clotted Cream First in the final, the manager could become the first in the Kenna to defend the Krakow Cup.

“Having been in the Kenna this long, I almost think it would be more an achievement not to win the league,” said the Reds manager, a nod towards all other founding members having lifted the trophy at some point.

The comment provoked a discussion among journalists. Should the Reds manager claim his maiden League title, who will be the most experienced Kenna manager without a winner’s medal?

Having topped the table for most of this season, Hairy Fadjeetas now appear to be a spent force this campaign and destined for life in Arabic confinement.

Yet the Fadges boss will have only competed for eight seasons by the time his side likely miss out on the league next month.

The treasurer is in his ninth season and looks set to add a fourth, third-place finish to his nearly man cabinet, but it turns out the most experienced manager (10 seasons) without any silverware will be the Judean Peoples’ Front boss.

That trend looks set to continue, given the JPF manager’s recent form for showing up at Kenna events not-so-fresh from all nighters with lonely, middle-aged men who might sell their car.

Krakow Cup – semi final second leg results

Turnpike Pirates 16 (24) – (43) 29 Clotted Cream First

Newington Reds 40 (63) – (46) 38 Pikey Scum

Final, 14 May: Clotted Cream First v Newington Reds

Kenna week 33

Kenna week 32

Reds manager rejects Black Country double talk

IT will be “almost impossible” for Newington Reds to win the double this season, their manager has said.

His Reds side beat Pikey Scum by 15 points on the weekend to put them within touching distance of the Krakow Cup final.

They are already five points clear at the top of the Kenna League, as they attempt to win their first league campaign in 14 years of trying.

“Surviving is a miracle. It’s nice to be there,” the Reds manager said.

“Nobody from Wolverhampton has done it [won the double], so why can we do it? It is almost impossible to achieve everything – that is the truth.”

The closest any Wulfrunian has come to winning both trophies in a season was when the Cowley Casuals manager won the cup in 2014/15, and finished second in the league 22 points behind Sporting Lesbian.

The last Black Country manager to win the league was the Thieving Magpies manager in 2016/17.

“Do you believe we can survive a six-hour Kenna auction drinking lager far stronger than Carling and give a fantastic performance every time? No-one from Wolverhampton can do that,” the Reds manager said.

Krakow Cup – semi-final first leg

Turnpike Pirates 8 – 14 Clotted Cream First

Newington Reds 23 – 8 Pikey Scum

Kenna table week 31

Kenna week 31 - 9 April 2019 — Kenna week 31 – 9 April 2019

Reds go top, Fadges flop

NEWINGTON Reds went top of the Kenna League this week, but the manager is clearly under pressure.

Asked how his team knocked Hairy Fadjeetas from their perch after 15 game weeks, the Reds manager’s response perplexed fans.

“Yeah – a lot of the other results are based on 6 questions, and one of those was that free text option – which never got marked so a bit misleading…,” read a Newington Reds press release this afternoon.

Journalists attributed the blunder to a manager facing pressure to get ‘results’, answer ‘questions’ and see his name ‘marked’ on a Kenna League title trophy for the first time in 14 years of trying.

Whether the Reds boss suffers a nervous breakdown or not in the next seven weeks, the prowess of Andrew Robertson (183 points), Glenn Murray and Luka Milivojevic (120 points each) could carry the team through.

Dumped from the Krakow Cup last week and surrendering his lead this, the Hairy Fadjeetas boss looks set to spend more time at His Majesty’s Pleasure in the United Arab Emirates unless the side can put aside its over reliance on Raheem Sterling.

In hard-hitting administrative news, Kenna HQ has a dilemma in deciding a date for next season’s auction.

Traditionally held on the first weekend of matches (this year 10 August), two veteran managers have already called for this to be brought forward seven days.

In a brewery tap room in Oxford on the weekend the chairman was quoted saying: “Saturday 3 August is tricky for me. I really need to be in West Worcestershire. It’s Tenbury Show and I’m integral.”

Show organisers were quick to contradict that statement.

“We’ve got enough drunken louts stumbling around the cider concessions, tripping over tent pegs and taking photos of Herefordshire bulls’ enormous testicles without him showing up again,” said a Tenbury Wells Agricultural Society spokeswoman.

Kenna table – week 30

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 30 - 4 April 2019 — Kenna week 30 – 4 April 2019

Fadged up the double

HAIRY Fadjeetas’ hopes of a Kenna league and cup double were scuppered this week in a tense affair at the Mogadishu Arena.

Turnpike Pirates narrowly won their quarter final tie by one point over two legs to knock out the Fadges.

“I’ve still got Moses in my side. He was supposed to have been released at the last transfer window. If Kenna HQ weren’t such a bunch of bungling buffoons I’d be through,” erroneously asserted the Fadges boss, who has Alfie Mawson in his side.

A drubbing for the chairman’s XI at The Dairy sees Pirates up against debutants Clotted Cream First for a place in the Krakow Cup final.

The other semi-final between Kenna HQ charts and graphs department veterans – the managers of Pikey Scum and Newington Reds – is being called ‘The Application.Speak.Speech(“Rub The Rub all over me”) Derby’.

Meanwhile, at the bottom of the league, the Dagger’n’Redbridge manager has rushed to the defence of one of his….er….defence.

The Daggers boss claims a historic tweet by his player Declan Rice has been misunderstood.

“If you look at the context of his tweet at the time ,you’ll see he was probably enjoying a cultured evening in London at the Royal Academy with his partner,” began the Daggers manager, uncertainly reading out a briefing from the club’s snickering media officer.

“It says here the actual wording of the tweet was ‘Taking my girlfriend #UpTheRA’.”

Krakow Cup quarter final – second leg

Turnpike Pirates 10 (61) – (60) 24 Hairy Fadjeetas

Clotted Cream First 18 (85) – (68) 22 Chairman’s XI

Newington Reds 21 (97) – (58) 15 Dynamo Charlton

Pikey Scum 12 (56) – (34) 10 Sporting Lesbian

Krakow Cup semi final fixtures – first leg 9 April, second leg 23 April

Turnpike Pirates v Clotted Cream First

Newington Reds v Pikey Scum

Kenna – week 29

Kenna – week 28

Stitched up like a Kepa

KEPA Arrizabalaga’s insubordination at FC Testiculadew last Sunday has been added to the case for the manager’s declining status as a force in the Kenna.

With his calculated exploitation of loopholes in league rules and his relentless success on the pitch, the FCT boss once struck fear into the hearts of Kenna administrators and managers alike.

Kepa’s recalcitrance and a drop in league position to 17th has reduced the Tactical Brambler’s image from Ming the Merciless to Louis CK.

His fall from notoriety is being likened to that of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager.

The Welshman once regularly challenged for a top four place, dominated auctions with his gavelled repartee and had a face that looked like it could launch a single-handed amphibious assault on a remote island to neutralise dozens of Norwegian teenagers.

Instead of a Ruger Mini-14 rifle, the JPF manager now stares down the barrel of yet another relegation battle and turns up to transfer windows looking like Tin Tin after a nervous breakdown.

One man windowing much better these days is the Newington Reds manager.

The Reds have spent every week since 22 January climbing the table one place at a time to find themselves in second, just nine points from Hairy Fadjeetas.

There were contributions right through the Reds’ XI this week, but in particular the manager will be pleased to see February transfer window signings Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg, Ryan Babel and Gonzalo Higuain all make an impact.

“The trick is to keep our cool and not let the pressure get to us,” said the Reds manager, lighting his next cigarette from the last and pouring another absinthe.

Krakow Cup – quarter final first leg results

Turnpike Pirates 51 – 36 Hairy Fadjeetas

Clotted Cream First 67 – 46 Chairman’s XI

Newington Reds 76 – 43 Dynamo Charlton

Pikey Scum 42 – 24 Sporting Lesbian

Kenna table week 27

Kenna week 27 - 5 March 2019 — Kenna week 27 – 5 March 2019

Shamima’s choice

Discernment is a matter of good taste.

The caliphate fulfils my discernment in many ways.

Unity in hatred of the capitalist West.

Positive action against the infidels and their false idols.

Better fruit and veg than Roman Road market.

But as an individual of true discernment there was always something missing.

To take part in a truly world-class fantasy football league.

One day I looked down at a severed human head in a bucket and thought: ‘The imperialists are paying dearly for their opulence, but how am I going to be able to bid remotely long enough to sign Paul Pogba at auction with wifi this patchy?’

That’s why I want to return to Britain.

And being discerning there’s only one fantasy football league I would join: the Kenna.

The world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league.

Krakow Cup last sixteen results

First leg 12 February, second leg 26 February

Turnpike Pirates 27 (65) – (62) 33 Test Team please ignore

Clotted Cream First 20 (63) – (52) 16 Fat Ladies

Hairy Fadjeetas 14 (49) – (22) 8 Dagger’n’Redbridge

Piss Poor 5 (21) – (51) 22 Pikey Scum

TNS 32 (58) – (76) 36 Newington Reds

Lokomotiv Leeds 11 (30) – (63) 19 Chairman’s XI

Dulwich Red Sox 27 (46) – (55) 22 Dynamo Charlton

Thieving Magpies 4 (38) – (45) 20 Sporting Lesbian

Krakow Cup quarter final fixtures

First leg 5 March, second leg 19 March

Turnpike Pirates v Hairy Fadjeetas

Clotted Cream First v Chairman’s XI

Newington Reds v Dynamo Charlton

Pikey Scum v Sporting Lesbian

Kenna table week 26

Kenna week 26 - 26 February 2019 — Kenna week 26 – 26 February 2019

Kenna table week 25

Kenna week 25 - 19 February 2019 — Kenna week 25 – 19 February 2019

Kenna table week 24

Kenna week 24 - 12 February 2019 — Kenna week 24 – 12 February 2019

The chairman’s February window keynote address

Managers,

It’s an emotional moment for the chairman.

After 15 years of visiting London pubs as a local, I now stand on the brink of visiting them as a tourist.

Nevertheless, living in Oxford will be no barrier to coming to the Kenna.

I’ve been reflecting a lot recently on my first experience of football and pubs as a Londoner

I got a bar job in the Prince of Wales in Brixton during Euro 2004.

Euro 2004 of course is well known for two things:

It was the last time Wayne Rooney played well for England.
And it was the last major tournament not to have a leading London pub-based fantasy football auction attached to it.

Anyway, back in the Prince of Wales, closing up after England’s exit to Portugal I found a man smoking crack in the gents.

I was quite shocked. I’d come from the country. I’d never seen anyone doing crack before. Sleeping with their cousins maybe…

As I kicked him out I thought: ‘I’m sure London has very few pubs where people do drugs in the toilets.’

The Kenna was founded a year later.

It was August 2005. A summer of unprecedented tumult.

The London Bombings. England winning the Ashes after 17 years. Michael Owen going to Newcastle for £17m.

And out of that defiance, triumph and disappointment the Kenna was born.

The rest is history.

Now there have been many mistakes over the years. But mistakes are there form which to learn.

I’d like to share a three lessons I’ve learned:

If your single tactic is to buy Sergio Aguero no matter the price, don’t overspend by paying £19m for Fabio Borini
If you want to pass a doping test, don’t put the vice chairman in charge of the auction.
On a cold winter’s evening such as this never cross the channel in a Piper-Malibu aircraft. And if you do plan to make a late-night channel crossing in a private aircraft, talk to Sol Campbell.

But overall, when I look back at London and the Kenna, I can’t but feel the world is a lot more complicated than it was for those eight co-founders in the Old Bank of England all those years ago.

We have to legislate for tactical Brambling. We have to legislate for absenteeism. We run auctions over Periscope where Silver gets racially abused for being from Pakistan.

Sometimes I can’t help but look back with nostalgia on those days of innocence.

Euro 2004. Rooney playing with youthful abandon. Someone smoking crack a pub toilet.

There’s a new game tonight. It’s called…